Note: I wrote this for a friend, more like a sister, for her birthday with the initial idea from my sister. I figured that others would enjoy the story as well, so read!
Harry Potter awoke to find himself sprawled on his back on a dank stone floor in what appeared to be either a very dark castle or a cave decorated to look like one. He groaned and tried to sit up though his head spun. The last thing he remembered before getting hit with a stunner was running down a dark alley in Hogsmeade to get away from the Creevy brothers' now very large Harry Potter fan club. Oh, yeah, and Lucius Malfoy and some of his Death Eater friends plotting something, most likely Harry's demise, had also been down that alley.
Most other people would have immediately started to panic if they found themselves in this situation, but to Harry this was rather normal. He looked around to see half a dozen hooded figures standing around him in the flickering torchlight.
"He's awake!" one squealed. That would be Bellatrix Lestrange.
"Oh, hello, guys," said Harry. "Been awhile, hasn't it? How's old Voldemort?" He smiled as all the Death Eaters twitched.
"Do not speak the name!" hissed one who sounded like Rookwood.
"What's wrong with the boy?" asked another. Definitely Malfoy. "Shouldn't he be cowering in fear or royally pissed at us for abducting him yet again?"
"I found something that Muggles are good for: Valium," Harry answered. "Right now I'm so high that I don't give a rat's ass what you do to me."
The Death Eater farthest to his right growled. "If he's perpetually happy, then how is tormenting him going to be fun? I don't know about you, but I can't enjoy a torture session if the victim is rolling around on the ground, laughing, and saying, 'That tickles' instead of screaming in agony."
"Would you like some of my Valium? It'll make you feel better about that."
One of the Death Eaters turned to the one next to him. "The Dark Lord will know what to do with him."
"Aren't you goons ever going to think for yourselves?" asked Harry. "I would think that with all six of you thinking together you might be able to come up with some wonderful bit of torture to use on me. And before you do that and fry all your brains with that extra work, why am I here? Does Voldemort really think that he's going to be able to kill me though he's failed, what, five times already?"
"DO NOT SPEAK THE NAME!" wailed Rookwood.
"Why not? I'm actually starting to like the sound of it…Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort"
Five of the Death Eaters started twitching so violently that Harry thought that he'd caused them all to have seizures. One managed to grab Harry by his collar and drag him to his feet. "POTTER! I'll cut your tongue out with a spoon!"
"A spoon, Professor Snape?" Harry asked sweetly.
Infuriated even more by the teenager's lack of any emotion besides glee, Snape growled, "It's dull, it'll hurt more than a knife, you twit!"
"Release the boy!" yelled a high, cold voice that Harry knew about as well as Ron and Hermione's.
"I was wondering when you'd finally show up, Voldemort, my old buddy," Harry muttered as Snape relaxed his hold on him. "Took your own sweet time coming down here to welcome me."
The Dark Lord narrowed his red, snakelike eyes and grabbed the Death Eater closest to him. "Why is Potter not writhing in agony like I ordered, Wormtail?"
"M-m-m-my lord," stuttered Wormtail, "P-p-potter says that the Muggles have powerful devices called Valium that protect him from torture."
Snape added, "We knew that you would also enjoy finding ways of maiming the boy yourself, my lord."
"Indeed I will, Severus," said Voldemort. "Muggles do not possess any technology that can withstand my power!" He raised his wand and aimed it at Harry. "Crucio!"
Harry merely twitched where he stood. "Hey, that stings!"
Voldemort's eyes glowed with rage. "CRUCIO!"
Harry shuddered like he felt a slight chill. "Dude, it's not going to work."
"SILENCE! I will not tolerate your insolence!"
"Look, no matter how hard to try to use Cruciatis on me, the most I'll feel is a tingly sensation all over my body. Try something else. How about a duel?"
"I'm not falling for that one a second time! Last time you escaped even though you were severely injured. Now I don't even have that advantage!"
"So you're admitting that you can't win against a sixteen-year-old punk who just refuses to die?"
"NO!" Voldemort glanced quickly around his circle of Death Eaters to see if their faith in him was faltering. Harry gave him a smug grin. "I'll prove to you all that I, Lord Voldemort, am far more powerful than this child! Give him back his wand!"
"Uh, my lord," interrupted Lucius, "that doesn't sound wise. It could be a trap."
"Why don't you shut up and do as I command?" hissed Voldemort.
Lucius shrugged his shoulders and gave Harry back his wand. The Death Eaters backed up against the walls of the room, leaving Harry and Voldemort in the center. Harry concentrated on the spell that he'd been practicing for a month now for just this occasion. He prayed that this crazy idea would work.
Voldemort contorted his face in what must have been his version of a smile and raised his wand. "AVADA"
Before he could finish the curse, Harry pointed his wand at Voldemort and yelled, OBLIVIATE!"
Voldemort stumbled backwards and blinked.
Crap! thought Harry. So much for that working!
Instead of laughing and cursing Harry, Voldemort looked around the room and asked Harry, "And you are…?"
Harry had to focus to keep his jaw from dropping. It worked! "I'm…nobody important," he said.
"I want to say 'Larry'."
"Yeah, I'm Larry, just the kid next door. No need to worry about me, I'll find my way home." Harry ran for the door as fast as he could before the Death Eaters intervened or Voldemort recovered from the spell. Once he was down the dark corridor and saw shafts of natural light streaming from a window, he jumped and screamed, "I'M FREE! SO LONG, SUCKERS!"
The Death Eaters stared at one another in shock. "Well, that was unexpected," said Snape.
"What do we do now?" asked Wormtail.
"I don't know about you guys, but I'm taking him," Snape pointed to Voldemort who was now wandering around the room inspecting the cracks in the stonework, "to the Ministry of Magic. I'm sure they've got a hefty reward out for him."
Snape took hold of Voldemort's arm. "Come along, Tom, it's time for you to go home."
"Oh, wonderful! I was thinking that this place was rather dreary," said Voldemort.
The End!