Author: Angel of Fire SG1
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Liz
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis…damnit…
Spoilers: General
Note: Now this one I have NO idea where it came from…
You said it wasn't my fault.
You said even if I'd gone back for her that nothing could have been done.
You said that I should stop beating my self up over it
That it was in the past…
How is it that we're supposed to forget when things like this happen? Am I supposed to pack up and go somewhere else and pretend as though she never existed? Do you want me to tell you that I don't care, that somehow I never cared?
I'm afraid I can't do that. Instead I can only stay here and do what I can for her, do what I know she would have wanted me to do.
She should never have been out there that day. How can you say its not my fault, when I was the one that brought her along? I was the one stupid enough to think it was safe for her, I should never have thought that, not without checking it all out properly.
I should have learnt my lesson from the Genii…
But I didn't learn my lesson, and now I'll forever be paying the price for it. Forever paying a fee for a lesson I never learnt. Sometimes I stand out on the balcony, watching the ocean, knowing that was what she would be doing if she were here.
Knowing that it's my fault she's not.
It's times like those I wish she had never come to Atlantis. She should have been back on Earth, peacefully negotiating with rival nations, not fighting life-sucking aliens. She didn't belong here, yet somehow she did more than anyone.
I hadn't wanted her to leave, I always wanted her by my side, but now I wish that I hadn't listened to myself, that I'd made her go back to Earth when we'd had the chance. She would have hated it but at least she'd be alive.
At least I'd know she was alive.
Knowing was at least better than wandering, hoping every time that the gate activation that maybe it wasn't the offworld team, that somehow, maybe, she'd come back. But instead every time the gate opened and it wasn't her the emotion built up inside of me again.
Now, not only did I know she wasn't coming, but I knew it was my fault. I could have gone after her, no matter what the damn Colonel said. It was my fault and I had to save her.
I should have saved her.
But it had been impossible.
Again I had watched the gate activate, not on schedule. By now I was expecting a team to come through. Instead we received an out-dated code.
A year old code to be exact.
A code belonging to Dr Elizabeth Weir.
I stood there in the gate room looking across at you. You were alive. For the first time in a year I smiled and ran forward and hugged someone. Hugged you…
You said it wasn't my fault.
You said even if I'd gone back for you that nothing could have been done.
You said that I should stop beating my self up over it
That it was in the past…