Standard disclaimers.
Notes: I know, I suck. It's been, like what, months? This fic has been on hiatus for months now but I was finally able to finish it. The whole thing sounds strange/pointless, even to me, because it has been so long since the last time I wrote anything like this. The last line was inspired from a book my friend read. I apologize beforehand for the terrible grammar usage because I needed to post this up before I forget about it; will edit later.

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·Moth·

The first thing Kaoru noticed was that the ashtray on the bedside table was perfectly clean. Not one gray speck was on the glass surface, as if the man next to her couldn't bear leaving one shred of her memory in his apartment. The light from the window played on the glass surface, making it shine like a dull jewel. She would smoke out of habit because waiting from him to come back from work induced too much anxiety for her to handle alone. But he always returned, even if it was three in the morning and the light outside turned dark. Covered in blood from head to toe, he would immediately go to the bathroom and turn the shower on. Kaoru would listen to the water running as it made its way noisily through the plumbing of the apartment to the shower head. She was never allowed to enter the bathroom while he showered, or sift through his bloody clothes, or handle his sword that he left on the floor like a forgotten toy. She could only watch and wait and watch.

He would take exactly ten minutes and open the door right when she was stubbing out her second cigarette. When she got his attention, she would take her clothes off garment by garment and when he was impatient, he'd do it for her. Then they would fuck, with or without foreplay. When there was foreplay, there was only stroking of hair and skin. His red hair is so soft compared to the hard angles of his body and when he saw the fascination on her face, he would get annoyed and seize her hands away. Affection is a dangerous thing. This whole relationship is dangerous in the first place, she added in her mind. When there wasn't any foreplay, it would be too quick but satisfying at the same time. Emotion wasn't involved when things went fast because they both didn't have the time to acknowledge it. She figured that she could deal with that.

Kaoru hesitantly turned her head behind her to find his face buried in her shoulder, one arm crooked under the pillow and the other loosely around her waist. This had been going on for a couple of months now, and the results were finally appearing like some kind of test experiment she had conducted. She usually woke up to a cold bed and he was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Coffee and rice with no words exchanged and the food sat in her stomach like a heavy stone. Sometimes she found him talking on the phone, speaking in clipped phrases like 'yes sir' 'it's done' or 'when? who? where?'. And sometimes he wasn't there altogether, not even a whisper of his presence left behind. The bed had been warm these past few days, and that meant something. But she couldn't tell herself that it was always be like this or that it was going work out one day, because it won't. When the time came, everything would fall apart like a piece of wood rotting from all the moisture inside. It made the wood rot, disintegrating in tiny, black pieces that would splinter her skin if she started to pick them up.

It always had to hurt, she thought bitterly.
just leave me alone.

Once she managed to slip out of his loose hold, she searched for her clothes quietly. He was either awake by now because he was so hypersensitive to sound or he really was asleep. The man had an unnerving talent to surprise her, which could be considered a good and bad thing, Kaoru concluded, finding her black bra and underwear under the bed. She stared at the stupid smiling cherries printed on the cotton before sliding them back up her thighs, thinking how stupid she was that she didn't match it with her bra. But the matching underwear is itchy, she recalled. Next she found her ragged jeans and zip-up jacketbecause he hated buttons. Most of the times she wore clothes with buttons but ever since he ruined her favorite shirt by popping all of them, she had to rummage through her closet to find something without them. She holds the clothes in her hands and buries her face in them, her mind rewinding the scenes from last night.

Lips crushed together and all she wanted
she wanted to say was really that
you taste like blood, kenshin.

Fully clothed, Kaoru walked to the living room and sat on the white couch with her feet on top of the white coffee table. She didn't understand why everything was white in the apartment; white curtains, white carpet, white bed sheets. It must be a bitch to clean, she told him one time after noticing that there wasn't one single stain in the room. He only shrugged and said in that monotone voice of his that he liked to clean. Interesting. Strangely enough though, she liked to watch him clean. She would sit on the couch just like she was now, and observe him scrubbing the spots of the blood on the carpet with a toothbrush and cornstarch mix. Kenshin the Mighty wielding a toothbrush instead of a sword, she sometimes commented, smirking when he continued to work diligently without looking up once. He made an excellent maid/housewife and the scowl that he sent her when she lit up a cigarette in the house was priceless. Tempted to smoke a cigarette but not wanting him to clean up the ashes again, Kaoru left the pack in her bag untouched. It was a new habit of hers, piling with the rest of her bad habits.

When did you start? her friends asked her, appalled.

It's nothing, Kaoru answered, lightly touching her neck covered by her scarf. I only smoke when... She had trailed off because what came next was, when I'm thinking about him.

Her musings were cut short when he entered the room soundlessly, red hair splayed unevenly on his head and violet eyes slightly drowsy. "You're up early today," was the first thing that spilled from his mouth, tainted with annoyance. Annoyed because Kaoru woke up first. Annoyed because he slept for too long.

Annoyed that he felt comfortable around her.
Around Kaoru.
Felt at peace for the first time
in a long, long time.

Kaoru ignored that, and slowly fell on her side, "I know."

Silence. Then, "Are you going to use the shower?"

"No."

He moved to the bathroom and shut the door.
And Kaoru returned to her musings.

One time, she remembered, he came back to the apartment in his usual appearance of someone that had just been involved in a train wreck accident. Dirty, covered in blood with red streaks running down his face and how he was able to walk around without getting stopped was a mystery to her. But this time his eyes had an unusual emptiness to them and when she had asked what happened, he simply replied that he had killed a woman. It was still odd though, because Kenshin killed women before and even, she scowled, a small handful of children. It was necessary, he had said. Of course. Necessary. But what was wrong this time? She repeated her question and he stared back at her, a flicker of what?something,nothing,maybeiwasjustseeingit? passing through his face before he resumed his impassive state.

"She looked like you," he said before disappearing into the shower.

Kaoru had then simply stared at the closed door for a while before walking to the large emptyemptyempty bed and sinking into it. She heard him slip underneath the covers minutes later; he didn't touch her, only stared. An indefinite amount of time passed and she was close to fall asleep when she finally felt his fingers thread through her hair. Trailing past her cheeks, her shoulders, her arms, her waist, her hip and her thigh­ just touching. She held her breath and didn't move because she was afraid that he would stop afraid that you'll leave me here in the dark. His hand was so cold. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she opened her eyes and slowly reached for him, as if coaxing a frightened animal. He let her shaking hand clasp around his wrist loosely and she guided that hand to her heart because she knew that you want to know if i'm here if i'm real that i'm not dead that you didn't kill me tonight that i won't leave you. Her hands cupping his hand cupping the skin of her chest where her heart throbbed frantically underneath, they stayed like that until she closed her eyes once again and slept.

That was the first time he stayed with her.

···

Kaoru heard the water turn abruptly off and his shadow blocked the light seeping from the space between the bottom of the door and the carpet. The living room was so silent, forcing her to strain her ears to listen to the soft shuffling behind the white door. He was drying his hair now, rubbing the towel harshly against the red clumps of silk falling down his shoulders. The red color turned a few shades darker because of its wetness against his skin, most likely flushed because he turns on the water temperature so high. It's the only way to get the blood out, he told her when she had poked his red skin.

I see.

No, you don't.

She knew what he had really meant and why he didn't want her to see in the first place. Mine alone to bear, he said with his eyes like swirling pools of forgotten memories. Memories of the man he once was and now he struggled painfully to be human again. Some time ago, she had reached out to touch his cheek and he jerked away as if she was about to scald him and vanished to the bedroom. Kaoru didn't follow him there and only sat on the couch, sliding down on her side while folding her hands into her chest. The shuffling continued as she felt something hot slide down her cheeks and it took her a moment to realize that they were tears.No wonder her hair was sticking to her face and everything was starting to blur. She rubbed her face against the soft leather, wishing that it was cotton so it could soak up her tears. It made her face even more hot so she turned her head towards the ceiling to wipe it away with her long sleeve. Instead of the ceiling she saw Kenshin's head, looking down at her with his hair dangling over his shoulder.

"Why are you crying?" he had asked her, voice laced with irritation and mostly confusion.

They looked at each other before she turned away and stared at the ashtray on the coffee table, glistening in the dim light. Feeling embarrassed, she stood and went to the bedroom to find her jacket on the bed where she left it last time. She sighed and brushed the wetness away from her face, knowing that he was waiting for her in the living room. Slipping the jacket on, she returned and have him a smile that was threatening to crack. "Nothing. It doesn't matter." That always seemed to be a good reply.

He only stared at her as she moved to the front door, her white hand reaching out to turn the doorknob. In a flash, his hand covered hers and his mouth was to her ear, whispering:

"Why?"

She lowered her head. "Because you can't."

He spun her around roughly and pressed her against the door, mouth set in a tight line. She could not look into his eyes because they burned like hot coals, angry enough to turn the violet into strange liquid gold. Mine alone. He didn't want to see her cry for him because he couldn't stand having someone else share his pain. It defeated his purpose of killing in the first place. But there she was with tears rolling down her cheeks and he kissed her harshly, desperately trying to stem the flow. Cheeks slightly damp, she threaded her fingers through his wet hair as she was lead back into the bedroom again. Their eyes could not meet throughout the whole time and when it was over, she threw her hand over her face and tried not to break into two.

···

Kaoru blinked.
where am i again?

She turned her head towards the ceiling but instead of staring at the whiteness, she saw Kenshin looking down at her with his wet hair spilling over his face. Kaoru gazed back at him steadily before reaching out for him, caressing his smooth cheek. He felt warm; not because of the shower, but because of the blood flowing beneath the skin. He did not turn away from it but instead, cupped her hand with his own.

"One day, I will give you back your tears."