Feral Desideratum
Stage Six
Pain is a sensation that frightens and attracts all the same. It serves as a biological warning, saying that something is wrong or will go wrong if one does not take immediate action. It is usually followed by pleasure that is its natural and complete opposite making it irresistible to many. Pain is something that all of us could not be born without for our mothers, who become more fragile and sensitive with each conceiving, have to endure it before we do, therefore we become who we are because of pain.
Of course, pain is more often not very helpful when it comes to the growth of an individual. You can become tough and can endure hardship longer than any other person if you are tortured as a child, but you can also be insensitive to others' needs and result to violence in even the simplest of situations. You might break down at the horrible memories stored in your brain, resisting to the instinct of asking your friends for help in fear that they will perceive you as a weakling. You may disentangle yourself from the real world, which you find too judgmental when you haven't even stepped into it with both feet. Your mind will stay negative and locked up in its own pathetic self. You will lose your identity as a person with freedom.
Pleasure, just like its counterpart, also has its negative effects. One cannot face the harsh reality of the world when he becomes accustomed to beauty and peace and love. He cannot think of ways to get out of a problem because he has never faced any, and if he has had one other people have solved it for him. Everything has been laid on his table so when he loses all he has there's nothing he can do but cry and ask himself what went wrong during his swim in the luxuries of life. He cannot decipher the reasons that bring about poverty, war, discrimination, crime, and death. If left alone in a dark empty alley with only the clothes on his back and asked to wait until someone picks him up, he might just wait for a limo to appear in front of him and take him back to his gargantuan mansion where he interacts with no one. For him, life is all about avoiding adversity and embracing opulence.
Curled up on his bed in his dim bedroom with the curtains still covering the windows, Satoshi knew what pain and pleasure exactly were: nuisances. He imagined a world without them in his dreams. It always turned out great. Everything was bias and unpretentious, the ultimate paradise. In his current world, however, there was more pain than any other sensation in his body. A churning in his stomach suddenly appeared, and the blue-haired beauty had to get up, run to the bathroom, and flush last night's dinner out of his mouth, bringing him more agony.
His breathing eventually slowed down, yet the sweat that had formed on his skin during his sleep remained. The dream he had was good. His body just didn't feel anything out of it. Placing a hand on his forehead, Satoshi checked his temperature. He felt throbbing warmth under his palm. He let out a sad sigh. He was officially sick.
'Satoshi-sama, you better rest,' said his alter ego in a gentle whisper. 'And I think it'd be better if you let Saehara-san take over later when Dark strikes. I'm sure they'll be able to handle Dark Mousy,'
"No," Satoshi said hoarsely. He pulled his shirt over his head and swallowed a pill he grabbed from the medicine cabinet. "I can't leave those buffoons alone, especially not alone with Dark. They might do something inappropriate to catch him. I won't allow any of that," He brushed his teeth. "Besides, my condition's not that bad. I'll be able to—" He returned his toothbrush, and he felt a twisting motion that came out of nowhere in his leg muscles. "God…"
After a minute it went away, replaced by a more agonizing sensation in his heart. Satoshi lay on the bathroom floor, his hands clutching his chest. It beat in an abnormal way, pausing every two quick pumps. Satoshi felt the back of his eyes burning. He felt the space around him turning, turning endlessly. There was a metallic taste from somewhere, and the last thing the Commander saw before he passed out was a large blood splat beside him.
The siren shrieked all around the museum. Dark had arrived. He crept inside through the sectioned glass roof that could be opened like a window. He landed as gracefully as a cat on the third floor. His target painting was straight ahead. He walked towards it, entranced by its splendor. It was an image of two angels, one standing upright while the other floated upside-down, their bodies and wings intertwined and making them look like a couple. The big question that it carried along with it was whether the two figures were of the same gender or not. There was no indication whatsoever that one was a girl or that they had any gender at all. Their privates were cleverly covered, and they both had long hair of a different color from the other. Dark thought they made a nice straight pairing.
'Once again, you've arrived before I have,' said Dark with a smirk, talking to the boy standing beside the painting. 'Nothing I didn't expect, I suppose,'
"Would you want something spontaneous, then?" asked Satoshi. "Tell me and I'll be glad to comply to your request,"
Dark shook his head. 'Oh, I believe you and Daisuke have done enough complying with one another…in bed,'
Chuckling, Satoshi said, "You and Krad react exactly the same way regarding that sex episode between Daisuke and I. It was never my intention to take anybody's innocence away, but what can I say? Testosterone in our growing bodies doesn't help with sexual control. Let it go already,"
'It's not just about the physical controversy, Satoshi,' Dark sounded serious. 'I've accepted the fact that even I am involved in your lovers' game, which by the way is confusing my Tamer to the point of madness,'
One of Satoshi's brows arched. "He has not told me of any confusion he's feeling. What are you talking about, Phantom Thief?"
'Let's just say that homosexuality is not something he was ever prepared for,'"He had a choice, Dark. I didn't force myself on him. He wanted me, needed me to slap him back to the truth. He didn't say anything and I was kind enough to read between the lines. If he regrets having even touched me, then he shouldn't have given in the first place,"
'That's the problem right there!' shouted Dark. 'He was too afraid to tell you he wasn't ready to go to second base. You know how Daisuke is. He lets other people have their way before himself. And you're wrong. You're the one who wants him. You're the one who needs him. Everything was fine before you happened. Now you've ruined everything,'
"All I did was love him," replied Satoshi. He looked up at Dark, crying. "If that's wrong, then I'm ready to be sentenced to death,"
Dark gasped. Guilt overwhelmed him. He hurriedly grabbed the painting and took off. Satoshi didn't stop him.
The following morning, all students involved in the play were called for an all-day practice in the gym. Daisuke slipped out of the classroom, carrying with him his bag that contained the wig and the girls' school uniform he needed to transform into Kyo. He had been acting like a girl for a week now, and the awful feeling he thought that would come along with it was nowhere to be found.
Daisuke arrived in the gym, cross-dressed as usual but in a less happy mood. People noticed it, as Kyo did not stop to talk or even wave a lovely good morning to any of them, just as they were accustomed to. The pretty girl went straight to the stage, straight to the acting, and straight to memorizing the rest of her lines when break time was announced. They thought of cheering her up but Satoshi approached her all of a sudden and pulled her backstage where he didn't stop until they arrived inside the dressing room. He asked everyone to go out. They followed in fear that he might get annoyed, not knowing that he already was. The Commander then locked the door, pushing his leading lady on the wall and pinning her by her wrists.
"Tell me what the hell's your problem, Niwa, or I might be tempted to do something you thought I wasn't capable of," demanded Satoshi. His eyes had a different glow, a fiery one that seemed to burn hotter by the second. It gave Daisuke a chill. "Well?"
Gulping down his nervousness, Daisuke replied, "If you're referring to what Dark said last night, he already told you what I was going to say anyway,"
"Don't try my patience, Niwa. Yes, Dark told me you were confused about our relationship, but don't tell me you regret it as well,"
Daisuke didn't answer but looked away. He didn't know what to do next. He didn't regret anything. He didn't hate anybody. He was merely having a hard time sorting out a lot of things, including the thing he had with Satoshi. He wasn't even sure if it existed at all. They had slept together only once. That was it. No kissing, no dates, no nothing had happened afterwards. If that night was one thing it was one of pure raw sex, nothing more, nothing less. It wasn't enough a pathetic excuse to give Satoshi the right to think that he owned Daisuke.
Satoshi exhaled. "You want to do this the hard way?" He had no choice. He had to get back what was strictly his property. "I can make it worse for you,"
"I don't know what you want to hear from me," said Daisuke softly. "You're acting like a crazy person,"
"That's because I'm already crazy. Niwa, I don't want you to say that you love me or whatever. All I want is for you to tell me why you're so confused. What's to be confused about? Is it because we're both guys?"
"Men and women were made for each other. If we continue doing this, what will people say? They'll laugh at us and chase us to the streets,"
"What people say?" Satoshi thundered. "Why do you care about what they say, huh? Look at me when I'm talking to you," He took Daisuke's face by the chin, forcing him to look straight. "Your behavior's not making any sense to me, Niwa. This is not you. This is not the boy I fell in love with. What has happened to you? Are you sickened by me now?"
"I was never sickened by you. Never," answered Daisuke calmly. "I think we have to end this, Hiwatari-kun. You and I aren't for each other. It's the total opposite. You know that, and I know that. There's no use breaking the rules,"
"You aren't thinking for yourself, are you? Dark's making all the decisions for you,"
"He gives his opinions. I judge before I give approval so don't go blaming him. I've also thought about it. This is the best thing for the both of us,"
"Between you and me, nothing's ever going to be the best decision," Satoshi let go of Daisuke and went out of the room. The redhead rubbed his reddened wrists. Somehow, Satoshi's warmth refused to go away.
Satoshi's head was spinning out of control. He massaged his throbbing temples, his eyes going out of focus and his legs wobbling as he walked along the hallway. His stomach was in a tight knot and he knew that if he didn't go to the nurse's office he was going to make a mess for everyone to see.
He straightened himself when a group of students passed by, and cringed in the pain he held in those five seconds. He then arrived outside, where he went to the wash area and placed his head under a running faucet. His headache grew at contact with the cold water. Still, the blue-haired boy was stubborn and knew he had to fight the terrible feeling. He took some water in his hands and drank it. His throat felt sore.
Meanwhile, Kyo had transformed back to Daisuke who decided to get lunch. He happened to pass by the small playground. There was someone in the row of sinks at the side of the grassy space. Sure enough, it was Satoshi. The Commander was leaning on one of the basins, his head soaking in water. He looked like he was having a hard time.
'Don't you dare,' Dark warned. 'You're the one who broke up with him. Don't be the one to reconcile with him first, too!'
"I won't," said Daisuke albeit in a cheerless manner. "That would make me a jerk," He walked on.
Satoshi's peripheral vision revealed a redhead in the distance, stopping for a while then walking away. The Commander doubted it was the person he most wanted to comfort him. Daisuke didn't love him anymore. He had to accept that no matter how painful it was, or how much it was a burden for him.
'I'm the only one who really loves you, Satoshi-sama. Keep that well in mind,' whispered Krad. He appeared behind Satoshi, and then wrapped his arms around his Tamer's chest. 'I won't hurt you, unlike that childish redhead you like so much. What ever do you see in him?'
Satoshi didn't reply. He closed his eyes, feeling Krad's affectionate presence. He had always hated being touched by the blonde but at that moment it felt different, almost desirable. Satoshi turned and sank into Krad's strong arms. So warm. Krad sifted Satoshi's hair between his fingers. He loved having his master need him even if it occurred sometimes only. It made him feel loved and his need of protecting someone was fulfilled. He knew, though, that it wasn't going to last that long.
"Krad…" called Satoshi. He was like a child when he spoke, a child that had been hurt too many times. "I don't believe you can love someone like me. I was born with hatred all around me. Until now I am still detestable. So why, Krad? It doesn't make sense,"
'Whoever said love had to be sensible? I love you for who you are. That's what matters most,'"Take me somewhere far away, Krad," begged Satoshi. "I don't want to be here anymore. Please. Let's leave this place,"
Krad sympathized with his hurting Tamer. Almost every aspect of the boy's being was damaged. The only solution was to avoid any more conflicts. Krad spread his wings wider, feathers flying everywhere, and covered the both of them. Satoshi waited. When he let go of Krad, he saw that they were in a place splashed entirely with white. They were sitting on a soft endless floor of pillows and blankets.
"Where are we…?" He asked in curiosity. Krad helped him to stand up. The brightness continued infinitely on all sides. Satoshi was amazed, and felt a peacefulness he had not received in such a long time. He inhaled, the sweet-smelling air filling his nostrils and calming him further. The anguish was gone, thanks to Krad.
'I have taken an image from your mind, Satoshi-sama, and turned it to reality,' explained Krad with a smile, admiring his work. 'In other words, this is your world. This is what we can safely call your happy place. It's amazing, really. I never thought someone like yourself finds serenity in this type of environment. But you deserve it, Satoshi-sama. You have been into so much trouble lately. You need to let go once in a while,'
"So this is all mine," Satoshi sounded a bit overjoyed. "Is it so strange that I am the creator of this place?"
Krad grinned, charmed by his young companion. 'It takes a moment or two to sink in, but it's pretty acceptable,' He turned his head to the side, looking at Satoshi's delighted expression. 'I didn't know you were such a softie, Satoshi-sama,'
Satoshi glared at him and smiled. "Who are you calling a softie, huh? Who?" He picked up two pillows. Krad knew what was coming. "Maybe you're the softie!" The Commander hit Krad with a pillow, then another. Krad tried to evade but the gentle strikes kept on coming and feathers from the pillows' stuffing began to escape and float momentarily in the air, swaying from side to side as they went back down. "Who's the softie now, Krad?"
'Oh. So this is your little game, Satoshi-sama?" Krad took three pillows, one in each hand and one more tucked under his elbow. 'Then I have no choice but to play as well,'
"It's not about whether you know the game, Krad," teased Satoshi. "It's how good you are at it," He hit Krad on the head, receiving a soft blow on the back from his opponent. Krad gave him two gentle whacks on the arms while he aimed for Krad's face. Their pillow fight went uninterrupted, each painless blow beating away Satoshi's dilemmas. For the first time, Krad saw his Tamer smile a genuine smile, and what was so special about it was that the reason for it was Krad himself.
The blonde had never felt so jovial before.
A tiny glimpse of light always reflects
On every tear a heartbroken person sheds.
Upon waking up, Satoshi found himself in his bedroom. The alarm clock on his side table read four in the afternoon. The Commander's headache came back without warning, causing him to wince in pain. So it was all just a dream? The pillows? The friendly fight with Krad? It had been too good to be true, after all. When Satoshi sat up his eyes grew in shock. At the other end of the room was Daisuke, seated on a chair and silently watching him.
"W-what are you doing here?" asked Satoshi. The hesitance in his voice was unusual to be present.
"Yumi asked me to find you during practice when you disappeared," said Daisuke. He, too, was slightly timid. "I told them I saw you in the wash area, and true enough you were there. I offered to take you back here. Now that you're awake, I better be going," He stood up.
"Is it really over?" Daisuke looked at Satoshi. He was embracing his legs close to him. "It can't be over between us…right?"
Daisuke turned solemn. "We never mentioned anything starting, Hiwatari-kun. If you think we did, forget about it. This is hard for me, too, you know,"
"If it's hard for you then why is it so easy for you to leave me?"
Daisuke felt the tears coming. He would always be the one to brighten Satoshi's day, but now he was the one bringing in the storm clouds. His heart felt heavy -- brought about by culpability and the urge to take back everything he and Dark said. Seeing Satoshi miserable was like a bullet being shot in his head. It was good enough to kill him.
"I'm sorry, Hiwatari-kun. I never voiced out my true feelings, and when they resurfaced I couldn't cope with them. I was overwhelmed by everything. I believe now's the time to say it all, so we can part well," He went to Satoshi, holding him around his shoulders. "I love you to the last of my breath, to every drop of my blood, and to each pump my heart makes. To lose you would be death for me, but I realize that I am not the one for you. I am only your misery…" Daisuke abridged the short distance between their lips. "Goodbye, Hiwatari-kun. You have brought me nothing…but happiness," Tears spilling from his eyes, the redhead kissed Satoshi with all the passion he had in him. Their fingers entwined, as though they were holding onto each other for dear life. It felt good, but what would come after will surely erase that feeling.
Daisuke pulled away, still crying. He stared at Satoshi looking at him with pleading eyes. He quickly got up and left. It wouldn't help to stay longer.
Krad was silent when he and Satoshi were alone. For the second time, his Tamer sobbed because of Daisuke.
There was a half moon in the night sky, an orange glow making it stand out amongst the soft gray clouds that scattered below it. Daisuke watched it just floating there – his own mind was deep in thought somewhere, too – wondering what was going to happen to he and Satoshi from that day on. Ideas rushed in his mind, not one of them helpful in making him feel normal again. I'm always the one breaking him.
'Your self-accusation is not the best thing to be having right now,' said Dark. 'This is what you wanted, Daisuke, and you got it. Be glad, will you?'
Daisuke felt the night breeze on his face. It blew against his ear, attempting to tell him that everything was going to be all right. He didn't hear it, though.
"I lost the only person that ever really loved me," said Daisuke in an undertone. "Way to go, Daisuke," He said sarcastically. "Smile for the cameras,"
'You're being too hard on yourself. There are other people who love you, Dai-chan,'
"But they're not Hiwatari-kun," snapped Daisuke. He was angry, really angry that he had come up with such a twaddle decision. He wasn't used to hurting other people, especially not Satoshi. Yet, he had done it. He felt like the 'Heartbreaker of the Century'. Fuck it.
The phone rang downstairs. The caller asked for Daisuke. The redhead's heart thumped heavily in his chest as he went to the first floor. Could it be Satoshi begging him to take him back? No. That sounded desperate and so unlike the Commander. He often kept his deep thoughts to himself.
"Hello? This is Daisuke. Who's this?"
"Ah you're not polite when it comes to talking to people on the phone!" said a girl's voice.
"Ha-Harada-san!" exclaimed Daisuke, recognizing Risa at once. "I'm so sorry. I'll be polite next time,"
"You better," scolded Risa jokingly. "Anyway, tomorrow's Saturday. I was thinking that you could come with my sister and I to the mall. We're going to start finding a costume for me, and Yumi said I should ask someone from the Costumes department to help me. Riku's just an assistant, you see, and I understand you're in Costumes. Am I right?"
Daisuke swallowed. He couldn't tell anyone he was part of the cast, too, and the leading lady for that matter. "I try to help in all the departments, yes,"
"Good. Then we'll expect you in front of the fountain at say…ten-thirty?"
"Ten-thirty's fine, Harada-san," agreed Daisuke. "I'll be there fifteen minutes early,"
"Even better," said Risa cheerfully. "I'm sure you'll have fun. I invited Satoshi-kun to tag along with us. I know how much you two enjoy each other's company. Oops. I have to go now, Niwa-kun. We're going to have dinner. See you tomorrow!" The line went dead.
Daisuke couldn't believe it. He had just broken up with Satoshi. Now they were going to see each other a day after their breakup.
He suddenly had the funny feeling that fate was playing with them.
Author's Note: It took me five days to write this 'cause I got lost, and in my own story, too! I pretty much spilled all the angsty situations I had racked up in my cerebral cortex, hypothalamus, or whatever in this chapter. Most of them don't make sense so let it go. The next stage will contain possibly even more sadness. I'm getting sad just writing this since I always get a headache right after. Thanks to all the people who have given me reviews. When I wake up in the morning and find that I have another review, my eyes instantly become clear. I'm such a sucker for reviews.
Oh yeah. I'm quite busy these days so expect a VERY late update. Sorry. Two weeks, maybe? I don't know. I'll try my best to make it sooner but like I said, don't even expect anything. Thanks for all your reviews.