It's like one of those horror movies where you can't do much but cover your eyes and hope the main character doesn't open the door because whatever's behind it is bad news. You can't help but peek through your fingers since you want to know what happens, and you always end up startled even though you knew something would jump out at you from the screen. It's why you watch the movie in the first place.

That's kind of what it's like to be in love with Dallas Winston.

Well, maybe I won't call it love. Love isn't a very tuff word, though I'm sure Ponyboy wouldn't agree with me. He's always thinking about real deep stuff like that. He'd probably say something like being in love makes you strong or brave. That's just the way he is, I guess. As for me, I think being in love makes you even more of a wimp than you are without it. When you're in love you gotta be careful not to hurt or get hurt, or else it ain't worth it. It's all or nothing and that's real scary, at least to me.

I knew I shouldn't have let it happen, anyway. It was a stupid move to make. I'm always making stupid moves, though, so I don't know why I was so surprised when I figured it out. And it was real sudden, too. It was almost like I woke up one morning, sat up and said it out loud. It sounded weird to say, but for some reason it sounded right, even though it was wrong. I'm not too good at right and wrong. I like what feels good and what makes everyone else happy. Shoot, sometimes I don't blame my old man when hits me. If it makes him feel better, then maybe it's all right.

It felt right to hide it, at least, because the whole thing was wrong from the start. What kind of an idiot goes around shouting that kind of thing from the rooftops, anyway? Dally would probably kick my ass and never talk to me again if I ever said anything. Heck, if Dally can get mad enough to knock some kid's teeth out just for asking him to move over at the candy store counter, I don't want to think about what he'd do if I ever told him I liked the way he put his arm around my shoulders when he was too drunk to find his way back to Tim Shepard's by himself. Or how much I hated his girlfriend and the way she couldn't keep her greedy hands off him whenever they went to the drive in with me and Pony. Yeah, if Dally ever found out how much I liked him, he'd murder me on the spot and not care one way or the other about going to jail for it.

It's just that he's so tuff and I'm...not. He's the kind of guy who can talk big and actually back it up, not like Two-Bit Matthews or Curly Shepard. The kind of guy that even though you can't always count on him to be there when you need him, he's got your back if he happens to show up. Dally's different than Ponyboy or Two-Bit. He ain't movie star good-looking like Pony's brother Soda, and he ain't real responsible like Pony's other brother Darry. I don't know what he is. I just wish I could be sort of like him instead of defenseless little Johnny Cade. Poor ol' Johnnycake who can't sleep in his own bed all the time because his old man can't stop smackin' him around long enough for his head to hit the pillow.

Maybe I'm just crazy. I've been called lots of things before, but never crazy, so I guess it makes sense for me to be nuts. I wish it could have stayed that way, me thinkin' I'm nuts and no one else knowing. But sooner or later, the crazy ones always seem to confess.