"Somewhere to Belong"
By Dark Cyradis
Edited: 3.16.05
Disclaimer: I do not own Soukyuu no Fafner or any of its lovely characters. This is a fanwork.
Notes: This story contains shounen-ai (SouKazu/KazuSou) and spoilers for the entire series.
"Ima nara ieru darou? Koko ga sou Rakuen sa…"
- Shangri-La" by angela
A fragrant breeze was blowing through the warm night. Kazuki looked up at the summer stars and smiled. The air was so clear, and the night quiet, though not silent. Cicadas chirped from a nearby bush and from the kitchen window he could hear, a bit distant and muted-sounding, Yumiko's bright laugh and the chinking sound of china being settled into the sink. The shhh of the faucet running, after-dinner conversation, the deeper murmur of his father's voice within the warm tones of the women's. He sighed contentedly, his stomach full, his family (as he had come to think of the Toomi women along with his father) comfortable and secure and enjoying one another's company. Nestled in the softly-sloping foothills below him, hundreds of little households with cheery, yellow light flooding their windows likewise held the promise of comfortable evenings with dinner digesting and family close by. A feeling of belonging seemed to permeate the whole place and envelope everyone within; it reassured Kazuki and calmed him somehow.
I'd almost forgotten about this kind of life, he thought, letting his eyes fondly sweep the moonlit rooftops and palmy fronds that filled Tatsumiya Bay.
It had been nearly a year and a half since the end of the war. Life really had returned to normal here on the island; the few but prominent gaps in the community had become cherished and loving memories now rather than the yawning, aching holes of bereavement they had been at first. A new holiday, Protector's Day, had been instated to honor all those who had lost their lives defending the island, and especially to honor the child pilots who had been the hope of all. It helped the community come to terms with the tragedies of those eleven months, and gave people a place to satisfy their grief even within the peaceful haven of Tatsumiya Island.
The Festival of Lights had been a sobering affair this past year; nearly every family's name was represented in the fleet of funerary lanterns they had set out to sea. Although Kazuki and his father had thankfully come out of the struggle alive—rather miraculously, he thought, considering how deeply they had both been embroiled in the situation— not one of Kazuki's friends could say the same. The Minashiro family, in fact, hadn't even had a single survivor to see the spirits of his family off—at least, not at the time of the festival.
A familiar, secret smile lit Kazuki's face briefly. Thankfully, Soushi had kept his promise and found a way to come back, though it had been a full, miserable year of doubt and longing for Kazuki to wait out. He had been at his worst during that horrible Lantern Festival; it was Kazuki, himself, who had made the Minashiro family's lanterns—Kouzou, Tsubaki, Soushi—and set them one by one to sea, though his hands had been reluctant to release the last one. As fragile and impossible a hope as it had seemed as he watched all the little lanterns a-bob on the lowering tide, he had wanted to believe in Soushi's promise to return.
"If his mind and not his body had been assimilated like Kouyou-kun, perhaps it would be possible," his father had said to him gently. "But even then, you saw what state Kouyou-kun was in in his last days. It would be better to let him go, Kazuki."
Though Kazuki had stubbornly refused to admit that Soushi was dead and gone, he had consented at last to his father's and Toomi Chizuru's pleas to allow a lantern for Soushi to be released at the Festival, at least.
"Even if Soushi-kun promised to return," Chizuru had said in her gentle, heart-weary way, "the town wouldn't understand that. To them, Soushi-kun fell in battle defending them, and they would want to pay tribute to him and to his sacrifice. Please, Kazuki-kun." Her point had been valid and when Kazuki had said so, he had found it rather amusing to see how relieved both adults had looked. He had wondered then why they were asking his permission at all, although it felt right to him to be the one carefully painting the four characters of Soushi's name onto the delicate husk of paper. If it was anything having to do with Soushi, he wanted to be the one to do it.
It was just as Kazuki was beginning to wonder what Soushi was doing at that moment that he caught sight of an odd light at the edge of the tree line behind the Toomis' house. It had been a vivid blue glow on the periphery of his vision, but when he turned to look straight at the woods, it seemed to be but the glint of the pale moonbeams cutting here and there through the dark canopy of trees. He was about to dismiss what he'd seen and turn away again, but quite suddenly, one of the patches of moonlight seemed to move a bit. Kazuki stared disbelievingly as what appeared to be the figure of Minashiro Tsubaki, glowing a translucent blue, detached herself from a moonlight-illuminated tree trunk to stand with her arms clasped casually behind her back, and smiled at him.
"Tsu—Tsubaki…chan?" Kazuki murmured. He blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes. When he looked back towards the woods, though, the apparition was still there, looking rather amused.
"Tsubaki-chan," he said, louder. "Is that you?"
The figure didn't reply, but beckoned for him to come forward. After he'd taken a step, she nodded encouragingly, then whirled around, retreating into the shadows of the woods and glancing back as though to tell him to follow.
Kazuki reached the edge of the woods and paused. He glanced back once at the cheery light and warmth streaming out the Toomi home's windows and then turned to follow the apparition into the chill, silent dimness of the woods. With the sounds and light of civilization fading behind him, Kazuki suddenly felt a bit cold in his thin t-shirt. Still, if Minashiro Tsubaki—or some manifestation of Minashiro Tsubaki—had something she wanted to show him, he thought it best to comply.
Though it was a world of difference from the safe, soft-lit, inhabited town, the woods at night were somehow soothing in their quiet and utter solitude. Lonelier, but soothing. Kazuki's eyes adjusted soon enough to the dimness, and he made his way easily along the wooded path that Tsubaki illuminated. The trail they were following was unfamiliar to him, but it seemed to be heading back down the hill, somewhat towards the town center.
"Uh… Tsubaki-chan?" Kazuki ventured after awhile.
The apparition glanced over her shoulder with a grin to acknowledge that she'd heard, but didn't say anything. She picked up her pace, instead, and was soon a good distance in front of Kazuki.
"Wait!" he called, stumbling along as quickly as he could. She never seemed to falter, and the rougher terrain that they were covering now didn't hinder her in the least, it seemed. Kazuki squinted his eyes and realized that the figure, while appearing to be walking, was actually hovering a few inches off the ground.
What on earth…? Kazuki thought, wondering if he had somehow gotten himself into a ghost story.
At that moment, Tsubaki paused and turned to her right. She flashed Kazuki another cheeky smile and beckoned again before plunging off the trail into the woods.
"Wait!" Kazuki cried, darting into the trees after her. He panted with the effort of keeping his footing over all the tree roots and miscellany of forest vegetation until suddenly, directly in front of him, Tsubaki appeared out of nowhere.
He nearly cried out in surprise but Tsubaki raised a finger to her lips urgently. Nodding, Kazuki silenced the questions on his tongue and quietly followed Tsubaki at a walking pace as she led him toward a clearing nearby. As they approached it, the grass thinned a bit and Kazuki found himself walking on a well-trod, hard-packed dirt trail again. Their progress silent now, they made their way toward the clearing, and Kazuki held his breath in anticipation.
The warm, summer breeze was blowing again, and as it ruffled softly through Kazuki's dark hair, he caught the sound of a voice in the distance. It was warm of timbre, and the speech came steadily, meditatively. Nearing it, Kazuki realized he knew the voice—very well.
Tsubaki stopped abruptly and Kazuki found that they were suddenly just at the clearing's edge, and he could not only hear Soushi's voice very clearly—he could see him as well, sitting reclined on the old, flat rock that had been a favorite hiding spot of Kazuki's when he was young. Sitting in an unusually languid posture, Soushi looked more relaxed that Kazuki had ever seen him. He appeared to be in an extremely contemplative mood, and the steady flow of words streaming from his mouth seemed to be a vocalization of his thoughts rather than speech meant for other ears.
But what on earth was he doing here, Kazuki wondered. It was much too late to be out now—but then, he realized, who does he have waiting at home for him anyway? And home wasn't a snug, cheerily-lit house with calls of, "dinnertime!" for Soushi; he lived alone, in a sterile, little room with white walls and four pieces of furniture.
Feeling for his friend, Kazuki was about to step out of the shadows to greet him when Tsubaki stopped him with a shake of her head. She gestured at a point beyond where Soushi sat, and when Kazuki peered into the brightly-lit space, he realized that Soushi was talking to someone: a small girl, with very long, dark hair. She was standing facing Soushi and seemed to be listening to what he was saying, nodding now and then. As though sensing Kazuki's gaze on her, she looked up and smiled discreetly straight at him. It was another translucent, ghostly Minashiro Tsubaki.
Doing a violent but thankfully silent double-take, Kazuki glanced back down at the figure beside him, who winked, raised a finger to her lips, and slowly faded into nothingness. Blinking back his surprise, Kazuki composed himself and turned his attention forward to the two in the clearing. Obviously, there was something about this conversation that Tsubaki wanted him to hear. And whenever she came to greet him personally, Kazuki knew something important was at hand.
"It's so strange…" Soushi murmured, his gaze distant and thoughtful in the low light. "I've been in the world of adults for so long, far longer than any of them—but still, now that they've come into it, it seems they're all surpassing me so quickly."
"There are different kinds of maturity, Soushi," Tsubaki said softly, and Soushi nodded.
"I know. But what I mean is… love. Love that leads to marriage and adulthood and children. That really must be what the final threshold into adulthood is. It has amazed me to see it happen right before my eyes. In a span of days, I think I saw Kenji become a man and Sakura become a woman. It's the way they interacted with each other, the way Kenji discovered that… that achingly touching frailty of a woman. He was so surprised, especially because it was someone who had always seemed stronger than him, someone he'd looked up to all his childhood. To find her afraid, to find that for the first time, he had something she hadn't that he could offer her… 'I'll become your strength,' he seemed to say. And Sakura learned the strange happiness of being protected, the odd idea that someone so cherished her that there was no need for pride, dominance, and bravado with him. No need for shame if Kenji said he wanted to protect her because they were already one unit, one person … it became a thing as natural to him as protecting his own body."
"But you've felt that feeling, haven't you?"
After a pause, Soushi slowly nodded, his gaze distant. "I… I have, but …"
"Love is love, Soushi," Tsubaki said in a comforting voice. Silence stretched for a long moment before she spoke again with a bit of a smile. "All right, then. So which one is it?"
"Which?" There was genuine puzzlement in the question.
"Yes, which?" Tsubaki said again lightly. "Maya or Kazuki?"
"…Ah," Soushi said at last and peered curiously at his little sister. "Why do you think I… why do you think it's one of them?"
"Well, it's very obvious how much you care for Kazuki," Tsubaki said, smiling. "He was the first person you ever really cared about, right? Back when he injured your eye, you saw clearly for the first time another person. Before that, there was just the self-centric existence of a child… and then your single-minded pursuit of your duty to Father, to the island… and to me.
"But Kazuki changed all that, didn't he? He made you realize that there was more to existence than that, more to what a person needs. You saw another person then, frightened and honest and reaching out to you tentatively. For a long time, I think, he was the only person that you noticed, and that connection never waned for you. But all you could do was watch from the shadows because you couldn't talk to him anymore, not after you learned the truth. Watching him so, you must have noticed much more clearly than those beside him, what a singular person he is. A wonderful person, whom you longed to talk to." She smiled and clasped her hands behind her back. "He really is, Soushi."
"He is," Soushi said, his face unreadable though his eyes looked pensive. "So tell me why you think I'm in love with Toomi."
"Her warmth, her brightness," Tsubaki said sagely and Soushi's eyebrows rose a bit in amusement; it was absolutely unfair that any child who looked that winningly precocious should actually be wise beyond her years. But that was Tsubaki, he thought, and smiled.
Interpreting the smile a bit differently, Tsubaki brightened and nodded. "I thought so. You always treat her with such care, can't say anything sweet around her because you're so nervous, and you kept her out of battle because you didn't want her to be in danger." She giggled a bit in one of her discordant bouts of childishness. "See? You do have it in you to feel that same kind of love that Sakura and Kenji share."
"Tsubaki," Soushi said softly, his eyes obscured in the dimness but the slight smile on his lips catching the moonlight. "It's… a bit more complex than that. You're right that I wanted to keep Toomi out of battle, and you're right that I do 'treat her with care' when I speak to her… I certainly don't want her to get hurt, but it's…" he paused, seeming to search for the words. "It's not because—"
"Are you sure you want to say this, Soushi?"
"It's not because I love her," Soushi finished, the firmness in his voice resonant. "She is special, undeniably so, and she carries a brightness with her, a warmth that encourages people, unites them. She's invaluable to the island, to everyone on it, everyone she touches, I know. But…" he looked up at Tsubaki and saw perfect understanding in her eyes. "You already knew, didn't you?"
"I did. I was trying to give you an easy way out."
Soushi nodded. "I know. But I don't mind being honest with you." Her face warmed in a real smile at that, and he returned it wanly. "I remember you asked me once, right after we'd seen Toomi's first battle simulation, whom I would prioritize if both Toomi and Kazuki were in the system. That question confused me so much because I didn't understand what Toomi had to do with anything. But now I see…" Soushi shook his head. "Yes, I certainly noticed Toomi Maya and recognized her power, recognized how rare a compassion she has, and admired it… It would have been nice if I could have fooled myself into thinking that that was love, or if you could have fooled me. Things would be easier now, probably."
"You wouldn't have had to suffer like this if you'd convinced yourself," Tsubaki said. "Even if she ended up with Kazuki, you wouldn't have minded because it was him…"
Soushi nodded ruefully, "I know. But even by the first time you and I met, it was too late. I already understood… how I felt. And I couldn't stop myself from trying to exclude her, from trying to hold her off so that I could just have a bit more time with…" Soushi sighed.
"Well, it happened anyway, of course. Toomi and Kazuki… They match very well, I admit it. Despite his prowess as a warrior, Kazuki is the gentlest soul I've ever known. More so than Hazama Shouko— more, even, than Toomi herself. Toomi has compassion, kindness… but also, a steel and ruthless determination that I never would have expected. In times of need, she uses that inner strength to support the one she loves. And he needs support. He really does."
As Tsubaki regarded him with sympathetic eyes, he smiled a bit nostalgically.
"Whenever we fought together, him in Mark Sein, me in the Siegfried System, far apart but together… I could feel him holding tight to me. I'd expected it in the beginning, of course—it was a new and terrifying experience for him to be fighting for his life against a deadly enemy. But even later, even after his step had unconsciously grown confident, when Mark Sein had become a familiar, well-fitting place for him, and when he had banished all uncertainty from his heart, I still felt him—some part of him, at the very core—holding tight to my hand. The crossing with him was always the deepest. The other pilots accepted me—some more than others— allowed me access to their vision, but there was always a division, always places they would hold tightly closed from me, and I respect that. It is a delicate place to tread and I never meant to abuse what the Siegfried System allowed me to do.
"But with Kazuki… there were no holds, no bars. There was no pride, no hostility for entering where no outsider should. He let me feel everything he felt, and I could sense how comforting he found my presence. His honesty touched me so deeply, his acceptance, his faith… With me beside him, he could do anything; the responsibility of thinking and judging and questioning he left to me because he trusted me, trusted that whatever I did, it would be for the good. It's a high standard to be held at, and it was all the more powerful because he never questioned what I did, never demanded… just accepted, and I found myself completely bound to his will. I wanted to do what he expected of me… wanted never to betray his trust or lose his respect. And I wanted always to be that for him, the rock that he could lean on, someone he could believe in...
"But… there is no more need to fight now. The island has been saved, and all my life's work, everything I was raised to live for… it's finished. I'm of no use to him anymore, or to anyone, really. While the entire island returns to its former self and people return to their alter egos running general stores, making clay pots, drawing manga, there's nowhere for me to go, nothing for me to do. Because I never existed outside of Alvis. I have no one else to go back to being."
Brother and sister were silent for a moment, the words resonating. Tsubaki looked sadly at her elder brother. These were emotions she had known as well, but her race was run, her acceptance complete. He, however, was still there, groping for old threads to pick up that never existed. She watched him sigh and begin speaking again; listening to him, allowing him a place to sort out his own feelings in the presence of a sympathetic ear—that was the best she could do for him now.
"And so I find myself here often, sitting out in the woods behind Alvis, pretending I'm talking to you. I don't have anywhere to go, and no one's looking for me or waiting for me. Everyone greets me warmly when I happen to pass them in the street; they hail me as a hero, as the tactician who commanded our troops to victory... But that's just in passing; I'm no one's destination." He looked up at the girl as if realizing something.
"This… must have been how you felt, Tsubaki. You're the most important person on this island; everyone cares for you, respects you and obeys you. But at the same time, you didn't belong anywhere, or with anyone. The two of us made a grim, little company, didn't we? Both respected, revered, and utterly alone. I wish you were still here now…" He sighed. "I realize now that I could have been the one to give you a place to belong—I should have. I didn't spend enough time with you or talk to you about anything outside of the battle. I should have acted more like a brother, like you said, should have helped you enjoy your time in the outside world more… I guess I was so preoccupied with the battle, and with…" He paused and looked into his sister's eyes sadly. "I wish you were here now so I could do everything properly and show you what peace is like."
"I'm seeing it," Tsubaki said mildly. "I'm not as gone as you think."
Soushi chuckled a bit. "Right. You're here now, I suppose. Somehow."
She smiled. "I'll explain it to you someday, Soushi. But today, we're talking about you."
"Wouldn't it be nice if you were here?" Soushi said languidly, with the baldness of someone who knew he was talking to himself. "Well, if you were really here, you wouldn't need to hear me talk about my miserable self. You already know everything about me, don't you? You were always watching me…"
"Like you were always watching Kazuki. But talking is better than watching, Soushi."
Her brother chuckled softly, reclining further against the dark rocks. "Talking… yes, that's what I love doing best with Kazuki, too. When we talked together, even if we were just talking about the battles or about something trivial like the weather, I always felt more strongly that he was there, and I think it was the same for him, too…"
He paused and eyed the knowing look on his sister's face. "You really do know everything about me, don't you? That used to frighten me, to be honest… things I'd been trying so hard not to show, not to get in the way of my work… you saw it all, and that made it harder for me to ignore those feelings as well." He sighed and then took a deep, cleansing breath, letting his brow relax a bit. When he opened his eyes, they were tranquil, though the remnants of a deep and long-abiding sadness were evident within them.
"…Now that it's all over, now that I've fulfilled my duty, I guess I can say it: I wish I wasn't me. I wish I hadn't been Minashiro Kouzou's son. I wish I had been one of the kids who had been spared from the knowledge, the responsibility. I wish I had grown up laughing and joking like the others and that I knew how to talk to them now. I wish our family… could have been normal." He gave his sister a meaningful look and she simply shrugged, though Soushi saw that her smile was wistful.
"At the same time, though" he continued, "I really am glad that I was the one. I would feel… so guilty if someone else—one of my friends, someone my own age—had grown up with all of that on his shoulders. I'd rather it be me, I'd rather be the one to face the harder road if someone had to. That's the conscious decision I would have made if I'd been given the choice, I'm sure of it. But making that decision, I never would have thought about how alone I would be for so many years afterward. That was the worst of it, having this heavy secret and no one to talk to about it. But really," he laughed a bit dryly, "what would I do, then? Wish that Kazuki had suffered along with me?"
"And why not?" Tsubaki asked. "If you could have had someone to help ease your suffering, why not wish for it?"
Soushi shook his head. "Not Kazuki."
"Wouldn't it have been nice, though?" Tsubaki said, somewhat dreamily. "If all these years, Kazuki had shared that secret with you?"
"…Yes," Soushi admitted slowly. "Imagining it now, it would have been… like paradise. The two of us alone would have known, and brought together by our shared secret, we'd be comrades, conspirators, thick as thieves. We'd have been even closer than we are now… imagine that," he said with such satisfaction in his voice that Tsubaki had to chuckle to herself. She fondly watched the look on Soushi's face as he allowed himself to savor the thought, though only for a moment. Soon enough, the expression soured, and the dark reality of the past eight years came sweeping back into him.
"But then, for my selfish happiness, Kazuki would have had to suffer. And he wouldn't have grown up to be who he is now."
"That would have been a shame," Tsubaki agreed.
"Yes," Soushi said gravely. "He has… the rarest kind of honesty. So kind without trying, so brave without a trace of arrogance, sincere in everything he does… Having the view of him I have in the Siegfried System, I see a person, a whole person, laid out in all his strengths and weaknesses, thoughts, hopes, and desires… and I understand that what I have before me is a rare and precious sight. I want to stay with Kazuki, be by his side always to drink in that precious light he emits, to be nourished by it, fortified. I can't explain it fully, but I know that being with him makes me better, more like someone I want to be. Does that… make any sense?"
"I understand it, Soushi." A knowing smile. "And you're right, I think. But go on."
Soushi nodded. "And he… he's the only one who's ever let me stay beside him and made me feel comfortable, wanted, and less awkward than I know I am. I wish I could be like that with everyone, like he is, but I just… don't know how anymore. And he doesn't mind. He makes me feel as though it's all right to be the way I am, or at least," he gave a wry laugh, "that there's hope even for someone like me. …But now that the fight is over, what right do I have to stay beside him? His future lies along the path to adulthood: marriage and family. I can offer him neither of these things."
"But you could offer him something, couldn't you?" Tsubaki said, her voice suddenly a bit loud in the quiet clearing. "You want everything for the best for him, don't you? So what would you do for him, to make him happy?"
"To make him happy? Anything I could," Soushi said with that straightforward earnestness that Tsubaki found so touching. She watched him consider for a moment before going on. "He'd always have my companionship… my love, for what it's worth, my devotion. And it would never wane. I would shelter him, support him, keep him safe, and help him grow, just as he helps me grow. He'll be a leader in our community, someone people will trust and follow. He'll grow to do great things and I want to be beside him to help him reach that potential. I want to see his face, I want to see him smiling. I want him to hold to me still for strength, and I want never to fail him…!
"…But he doesn't need me anymore, does he?" Soushi's turned his head to the side, away from his sister's gaze. When he spoke again, he was unable to hide the anguish in his voice. "He has Toomi to do all those things now. Whatever I could have offered him, I have already given, and there's nothing anymore that he could want from me."
Tsubaki's small hands seemed to reach out toward him for a moment, but she paused. He shook his head quickly and composed himself, swiping briefly and irritably at his eyes as he turned back to face her. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Soushi." He looked up at the hint of laughter in her voice. Tsubaki was smiling fondly at him. "I'm glad to hear you speaking so honestly, finally. I was hoping this would help you."
Soushi nodded a bit. "It has. These… these thoughts have been filling my head for so long now, it… i-it's a relief to be able to say them out loud." He gave her a sad but grateful look. "Thank you, Tsubaki, for talking with me."
"I'm glad I could help, Soushi. But you know, I can't stay for much longer."
"Why?"
Tsubaki gave him a cheeky grin. "Would you miss me, Soushi?"
"You know I do."
She smiled fully at that, and nodded, looking content. "Thank you, Soushi. I have to go, but… I think you'll be all right," Tsubaki said, and her smile widened so that it almost looked mischievous. "Why don't you talk to him, instead?"
"What?"
Still looking much too mirthful, she nodded her head to the right and with a start, Soushi whirled around and nearly jumped back in surprise. Standing in the trees behind him, looking very solid, present, and un-dreamlike, was the very object of his reverie.
"Kazuki…!"
He was standing there watching Soushi with a solemn expression on his face, and for once, Soushi found it hard to guess what he was feeling.
"How… how long have you been there?" Soushi cried, jumping to his feet and standing tense, as though his body was debating whether or not to bolt away.
Kazuki blinked once, and began walking slowly, deliberately, toward Soushi, his gaze very serious though not unkind.
He's confused—no, unhappy, conflicted… or curious? …He's going to hit me, Soushi's brain flitted from one interpretation of that look to another, wont as it was to analyze every expression, every word, every glance from that face. This really isn't the time for this, Soushi's rational mind thought in annoyance, trying to quell the inventory and find some convincing lie to excuse what Kazuki had heard—when suddenly, all thought stopped completely. He felt Kazuki's presence very close, and his arms, warm and solid, around him.
"Soushi," Kazuki's honey-warm voice rumbled against his chest.
"Ka…Kazuki…" Soushi whispered, surprised to catch the scent of Kazuki's shampoo as he took in a shaky breath. Kazuki was really there, pressed against him in a very firm embrace.
"You…you're really here?" Soushi whispered, rustling a few soft, dark hairs with his breath.
The embrace loosened a bit and Kazuki drew back to look up at him. He was wearing the same expression as before—unfamiliar, and almost unfathomable to Soushi, though now he could see the smile deep in those dark eyes, the tenderness. Kazuki reached up to Soushi's face and lightly brushed his fingertips through the long strands of hair, over his brow, and gently touched the scar that made its way jaggedly from above that lucid, serious eye, down to the pale cheek. Kazuki finally let the smile in his gaze spread onto his lips.
"I'm here, Soushi," he said and then shook his head in bemusement, his eyes very fond. "Why… why didn't you ever tell me all of this before?"
"Be-because…" Soushi stammered, suddenly (and very irrationally, he thought) extremely nervous. "I… I thought you…that you, well… well, what about Toomi?" he demanded.
Kazuki raised an eyebrow. "Toomi?" He smiled mischievously. "Weren't you the one who was saying just now, 'why do you think I'm in love with Toomi?' Well… then, why do you think that I'm in love with Toomi?"
"It's just… you're so close—"
"Aren't we closer?"
"Yes, but she's… she calms you down, you said—"
"You said you calm me down in battle. And you do."
"But outside of battle—"
"You never talk to me."
"I do. I try—"
Kazuki smiled. "I know. In your own way, I can see how much more familiar you are with me than with anyone else. If I talk with Toomi more, it's because she just talks more in general than you do." When Soushi still looked unconvinced, Kazuki sighed and shook his head, his lips still grinning. "Toomi does comfort me, and I care about her, very much. But it's like I care about my father, or for Kenji and Sakura, and for Canon, too. I want to protect them and comfort them, share good times with them… I guess you could call that love, too, but… But it's not—" He cupped Soushi's face in his hands and drew it closer to him. "It's not love like it is with you. It's not love like I want to touch you, hold you, comfort you, know everything about you, talk with you and see you and be with you every moment…! It's not love like… like this," he whispered, and reached up to kiss Soushi's lips.
He drew away after a moment and looked up to find tears streaming down Soushi's cheeks.
"Kazuki," Soushi whispered, gazing at him with the most heart-breaking look Kazuki had ever seen. He stood there with a desperate, trembling hope in his eyes, someone who had denied himself everything he'd ever wanted and now utterly helpless when his most cherished desire lay within reach. Kazuki could see how badly he wanted to believe, and how he didn't dare to.
"Soushi," Kazuki said, his voice very tender, "I'm here." He reached up and stroked Soushi's cheek gently, brushing the tears away from those pleading eyes he loved so well. "I'm here, and I'll never leave. Because this is the only place I want to be—with you. Forever."
Soushi's mouth trembled, wanting to say something but still unable. Kazuki shook his head and smiled at him reassuringly. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything. You've already told me… everything. Everything I ever wanted to hear. Everything I waited to hear for so long— and never dared to hope for." He drew a deep breath and continued in a steadier voice. "When… when I lost you, last year," he said, looking steadily into Soushi's face and wiping the last of the tears away from it, "I made a vow, you know, when I got back here. I stepped out of Mark Sein and I saw Tatsumiya Island again—my home, my Paradise—and it looked so strange to me, so desolate. Empty. And I made a promise then and there—to you. To wait for you. Forever. Because I understood then that there is no paradise for me anywhere without you."
"Kazuki…"
"When you came back I… all I wanted to do was run to you, hold you, touch you, make sure you were here and real and with me again. I thought about it all the time while you were gone, dreamed about meeting you again, dreamed about all the things I would say to you, everything we'd do. I thought, at last, we would be able to be together always."
"Then why…?" Soushi said, his voice returning hoarse.
"I… I was afraid," Kazuki said. "I was so happy to have you back, so indescribably happy just to have you by my side again that I was afraid that if I… if I asked for any more, it would all be taken from me again." He shook his head and for a second, his eyes filled with distress. "You don't know… how I felt then. When suddenly, you, without warning, without a trace—you just vanished and I didn't know where you were, or what was happening to you, or how I could help you, save you, see you! It was the most horrible thing I'd ever felt in my life and I was terrified that you'd be gone again. So I told myself it was enough to have what we had before. And… and I thought that was what you wanted, too, so if I said anymore it would just be a burden on you."
"Kazuki," Soushi said, his voice his own again and filled with a fondness that warmed Kazuki to the core. "Was I that difficult to see through?"
"You were the one in the Siegfried System," Kazuki said with a small grin.
Soushi chuckled. "I guess you're right. But after everything we'd been through… How could you not even guess that I loved you?"
"I… I thought…" Kazuki's face was suddenly very red. "I thought you… liked Toomi, too…"
At the utterly incredulous look on Soushi's face, Kazuki burst out laughing and all tension was gone from them.
"I really… really can't believe that," Soushi choked out at last. "I was… so jealous of her, and though I tried hard to hide it, I thought everyone could still tell. She certainly could. But all this time, people thought… you thought…!" And he had to laugh as well, that rare, rich, full laugh that Kazuki would come to know and love very well over the years.
"Somehow, we created a triangle where there wasn't one," Kazuki noted after the two had settled comfortably on Soushi's former seat and lay gazing up at the sky, their heads nestled against one another's.
"I think Toomi does love you, though," Soushi said after a pause.
"I don't know…"
"She does. I'm fairly sure everyone else noticed, too. Just not you, Kazuki," Soushi said with a chuckle at Kazuki's perturbed look.
"I… guess I really have a hard time telling," Kazuki admitted at last. "First you, now Toomi… I wonder who else's love I've accidentally ignored…"
Soushi's eyebrow twitched, but he stayed silent. Best not to tempt fate… he thought, though he doubted any of the other contenders had a chance. He was about to make a non-committal reply when Kazuki suddenly turned, settling on one elbow, and leaned over him. Soushi blinked, waiting to see what he meant to do or say, but Kazuki simply hovered there, looking down fondly at the other boy.
"It doesn't really matter," Kazuki said after a moment, smiling adorably. He laid his free hand lightly on Soushi's chest, letting his thumb slide across it in a small caress.
"Kazuki…?"
Kazuki shook his head and leaned in closer so that his warm weight settled on Soushi's chest and their noses nearly touched. "The only person I want to love me is right here." And he leaned in to capture Soushi's lips in another kiss. It was fuller this time, closer. Perhaps it was the solidness of having Kazuki on top of him, pressed as close as possible, but Soushi suddenly felt the other's presence more powerfully than he ever had before in that kiss. It's almost like a conversation, he thought, and marveled at the idea that there were other ways to simultaneously prove your separateness and togetherness besides talking.
As Kazuki released his lips for a moment to draw in some air, Soushi, still musing, commented, "This is even better than talking," and blinked in surprise when Kazuki burst into laughter again. "What?"
"Only you, Soushi," Kazuki chuckled and squeezed him tight in delighted affection. "But that's what I love about you."
"What?" Soushi demanded again, still not quite understanding.
"Was that your first kiss?"
"Yes."
"Ah, I see."
Soushi frowned. "It wasn't yours?"
"Sort of…" Kazuki said, looking bemused. "Sakura kissed me once, at a party when we were playing a game. I lost, and the penalty was to kiss the person with the second lowest score, and that was Sakura." He laughed. "It wasn't a very passionate kiss, but it was a new sensation. And it made me wonder sometimes…" That deep, mysterious look entered Kazuki's eyes again as he leaned in closer over Soushi, who found himself breathing harder. "…how your lips would feel."
Desire, Soushi realized. That was the expression in Kazuki's eyes right now, the unnamable emotion that made Soushi feel both excited and a bit frightened.
When Kazuki leaned in to kiss him again, Soushi slowly parted his lips and let Kazuki dip down deeper. After a few intensifying moments, however, Kazuki felt a soft push on his chest and reluctantly pulled back.
"What's the matter?" he asked a bit worriedly. "Am I… going too fast?"
"I…it's not that, Kazuki," Soushi said, breathing hard, his face rather fetchingly flushed. "If we're… going to be doing this for awhile, I was wondering if you wanted to move to my room." He nodded his head toward the direction of a hill not far beyond. "There's an entrance to Alvis right over there."
Kazuki's eyebrows had risen in surprise. "You mean… you mean you'd let me stay the night?"
"I never want to be apart from you again," Soushi said, looking very seriously into his eyes. Kazuki felt his lover's arms encircle him firmly. "I never want to lose this."
"Soushi," Kazuki chuckled, "you're never going to lose this." He ran his fingers through the long, pale strands of hair lying splayed over the dark rock with a teasing smile, trying to ease the sudden crease in Soushi's brow. "Not after we had to wait so long for this. And I said I would always—"
He cut off suddenly, his eyes growing wide.
"What's the matter?" Soushi asked in alarm.
Kazuki smacked his hand against his head. "My father…" he groaned. "I left him at the Toomis'!"
"What?"
"We were having dinner there and I just stepped outside for a minute to get some air and then I saw Tsubaki—"
"Tsubaki!" Soushi cried, sitting up abruptly and nearly knocking Kazuki off of him. "Is she still here!"
"I don't know!" a now equally-panicked Kazuki cried, looking wildly around the clearing. "I-I didn't notice her anymore after we started talking…"
"Neither did I. But she did say… she couldn't stay much longer…"
"Um… I hope… she didn't see all that…" Kazuki said, his blush quite starkly apparent despite the dimness.
Soushi sighed then looked back at Kazuki with a wry chuckle. "Maybe we do get a little too engrossed in one another…"
"How's that a bad thing?" Kazuki asked, his grin returning now that he felt reassured they were alone. He slipped his arms back around Soushi's waist with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
"Well… you were saying something about your father?"
"Oh, right…" Kazuki sighed. "I guess… I should go back… They might get worried."
"We have been here for awhile," Soushi agreed with a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Kazuki looked up at Soushi and found his deep blue eyes averted, trying to hide the disappointment.
"I…I'm really sorry, Soushi," Kazuki said, trying to convey in the caress that stroked his lover's cheek how genuinely he meant it.
"It's fine, Kazuki," Soushi said reassuringly as he took Kazuki's hand from his face and gave it a soft squeeze. Drawing a deep breath, Soushi summoned his composed persona back to the forefront and pulled away from Kazuki quickly. "Tomorrow, when we've got things planned better, we can continue this."
Kazuki nodded, looking a bit more reassured but still a tad guilty. "Tomorrow, for sure, Soushi. I promise I won't let you be alone."
Soushi smiled at that. "I'll look forward to it, Kazuki. Good night."
"Sleep well," Kazuki said, the tenderness in his voice reverberating through the space between them.
Soushi dipped his head once, smiling, then turned and walked back toward Alvis and his stark, solitary, little room deep in the sterile belly of the military fortress. Kazuki watched him go, taking comfort in the straightness of his shoulders as he walked, the assuredness of his step. Kazuki's own legs turned to go as well, but somehow, he just couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from his lover's back as it moved away from him.
How strong that back seemed, just like everything about Soushi was strong, assured, and powerful. But as he watched it, a single pale, animated object alive in a frighteningly still, blue landscape, it seemed fragile suddenly, a tiny, living point against the giant, unmoving masses of the earth and sea and sky. One vivid little flame making his own light and movement against the vast darkness closing in around him, one solitary life that could be snuffed out so easily by the cold wind it caught and tossed on. Suddenly, the distance, the separation from Soushi was unbearably frightening; Kazuki's legs turned of their own volition and tore back across the clearing towards that retreating back, his pace gaining speed and urgency with each step.
Hearing the flurry of footsteps behind him, Soushi had just enough time to turn around before he was hit full in the chest with a frantic Kazuki who clutched tightly at him as though he was the last refuge in a crumbling world.
"Kazuki! What's wrong?"
"I…" Kazuki shook his head, his face buried in Soushi's chest. A long moment passed in which Kazuki simply huddled against him, savoring the feeling of his lover's warmth, his body, his breath and gradually, the fear eased out of him. Soushi was there, all around him, holding him, stroking his hair. So close together, his presence was again a powerful one that filled the space around them and pushed away the darkness and impassivity of the earth that had seemed about to swallow him up a moment ago. Feeling a bit foolish now, Kazuki released the taller boy and looked up at him sheepishly.
"It…it's just… well, no, I… It-it's nothing …" Kazuki sighed, exasperated at himself. He was about to apologize and march himself resolutely back to the Toomis' when he caught the look in Soushi's eyes. There was such a glow in them; his entire face was transformed with the gratitude that shined in his eyes. And suddenly, Kazuki understood.
The horrible and wonderful surge of emotion he had just experienced… this was the feeling behind those cool, opaque eyes, behind the distance that Soushi had tried to keep from everyone, behind the harsh words, the impassivity, the silent desperation that broke through in his expression when he looked at Kazuki sometimes. From the beginning, Soushi had been trying to suppress this feeling, this brimming, soul-shaking love and the gut-wrenching fear that came with it. Growing up understanding the ways of war, the sacrifices, the transience of life, he had both desperately feared and longed for the one who could make him feel so deeply. He understood then how Soushi's heart had broken everytime he'd sent Kazuki into battle, how it must have filled with the fear that this most precious of all things would pass into the oblivion that surrounded and threatened it constantly. He looked at his lover and saw everything, a universe and an infinity of beautiful, sad, courageous, loving, frightening and joyous things, all encased in the fragile and cherished form that was Soushi. And he understood that this was what Soushi had seen when he had looked at Kazuki and said he never wanted to be apart from him again.
I'm always a step behind, Kazuki thought ruefully to himself. Just the way it took me so long to understand how precious the island was, how it was worth giving everything to fight for.
"Soushi," he said, locking their gazes together, his voice very solemn. "I don't ever want to be apart from you again."
Soushi smiled then, a smile brimming with everything Kazuki had felt and now understood he shared with him. "Thank you, Kazuki," Soushi whispered, touching his lover's cheek. He nodded, looking much more resolute than he had before. "That's enough for me. Really. I'll be all right tonight. You should get back to your father before it gets too late."
But Kazuki shook his head, an oddly determined smile filling his face. "I've got an idea. Let's go, Soushi."
"Where?"
"To your room."
"What? N-now?"
"Yep," he said simply, taking Soushi's hand and leading him towards the entrance to Alvis.
"But…but your father—" Soushi faltered. As happy as he was that Kazuki now seemed to understand and return his feelings, he hadn't quite prepared himself for what was to come.
"Don't worry about that," Kazuki said brightly, his step far too energetic. Not quite sure what to do, Soushi obediently swiped his key card at the entrance to admit them into Alvis, and again, a minute later, to open the door to his small room.
"All right," Kazuki said, his face taking on that focused, gaming look it wore when he was about to spar, "get undressed, Soushi."
"Wh-what?" Soushi cried. This was most definitely moving too quickly for him. "J-just like that? Get undressed?"
"Come on, we don't have much time," Kazuki said as he began turning down the covers on Soushi's bed.
"But… but…" Soushi sputtered, quite frozen where he was. Kazuki glanced up at him and gave him an exasperated sigh.
"Come on, Soushi, you don't need me to come over there and do it for you, do you?"
"N-no!" Soushi cried indignantly, blushing horribly as his hand unconsciously clutched the collar of his shirt closed.
"Then don't be so stubborn," Kazuki said in a maddeningly reasonable voice as he crossed the room to Soushi's closet.
"But—!" Soushi began, only to be cut off by a bundle of soft fabric hitting him in the face.
"Hurry up and change, already!"
"Wha… what?" Soushi pulled the garments away from his face and realized he was holding his pajamas. "My night clothes? You mean you want me to change for bed?"
"Of course!" Kazuki said innocently. "What did you think I meant when I told you to get undressed?"
Soushi's eyes narrowed and he whirled on his heel, marching huffily away from the other boy. "Just for that, I'm going to change in the bathroom."
"Aw, wait a second, Sou—"
Kazuki sighed as the firm hiss of the airlock sealed the bathroom door securely shut. Well, that's for tomorrow anyway, he consoled himself. He found the panel of light switches and experimented until he found a dim, blue light that cast a sleepy, cozy wash of nighttime color over the stark whiteness of the walls.
Perfect, he thought. He wandered back towards Soushi's bed and unconsciously picked up the pillow to fluff but found it a stiff, foamy, orthopedically-conscientious affair that he dropped quickly back on the bed in disgust. He would most definitely be bringing his own downy pillows from home for tomorrow night.
"What's all this?"
Kazuki turned to find a barefoot, pajamas-clad Soushi glancing around the darkened room as he stepped out of the bathroom. He smothered a smile and Soushi glanced at him suspiciously.
"What?" Soushi demanded.
"You…" Kazuki began, unable to suppress what undoubtedly must have been a very goofy smile, "you look very cute in pajamas."
Caught off-guard again, Soushi checked at the threshold of the bathroom and Kazuki took the opportunity to compose himself.
"Come on over," he said, patting the bed and then taking a step back from it. Soushi padded over and, casting a last, mistrustful glance at Kazuki, settled himself in it.
"Now what?"
"Now this," Kazuki said patiently, moving back toward the bed and leaning over it to pull the covers over a tensing Soushi. "It would have been better if you had a window… it's a lot nicer if you can see the stars. Or have some moonlight shining in."
At the questioning look from his lover, Kazuki smiled at him—a softer, calmer smile than Soushi had seen in awhile—and kneeled down beside the bed. Tension that Soushi hadn't realized had been in his shoulders relaxed out of them. Kazuki noticed and smiled encouragingly.
"Now, lie back," he said, his voice gentle still, but soothing now rather than romantic as it had been earlier. Soushi complied and Kazuki pulled the blankets up to his chin and tucked them gently around him.
"Kazuki…" Soushi murmured, watching his lover in bemusement. "What…?"
Kazuki grinned. His voice regaining some of its usual energy, he said, "Tucking you in, of course."
"But why?"
"This is my great idea," Kazuki said, suddenly child-like again in his enthusiasm. "Since I can't stay with you all night, I thought I could at least stay until you fall asleep. Then, in the morning, we can see each other again, first thing!"
Soushi had to smile, albeit a tad exasperatedly, at that. "But Kazuki… it usually takes me awhile to fall asleep."
"Why?"
"Well… I just have a lot on my mind, usually."
"Then all we have to do is get your mind off of things!"
Soushi raised a skeptical eyebrow. "And how do you propose to do that?"
"Well…"
As Kazuki paused to consider, Soushi thought to himself, you could always kiss me senseless like you did earlier. That would certainly empty his mind effectively—but, admittedly, Soushi would likely find himself less able to calm down and go to sleep afterwards. He glanced at the other's face and found him, rather endearingly, still deep in thought over the problem. Soushi was about to tell him that this was enough and that Kazuki should just head home, when Kazuki's pensive face suddenly brightened.
"I've got it! Soushi," he said so eagerly that Soushi wondered if Kazuki hadn't arrived at the same idea he'd had earlier.
"Ah… what?"
"What lullaby did your dad used to sing you before bed?"
"Wh…what?"
"Lullaby. My dad used to sing to me when I was little to get me to go to sleep. And sometimes when I was older too, like after I had a nightmare or something and couldn't calm my mind down." Kazuki grinned, pleased. "See? It should work on you, too. So tell me, do you remember any lullabies your dad used to sing to you?"
"Uh, well…"
"Hmm?"
"My father… wasn't really… the singing type…"
Kazuki looked genuinely appalled. "You mean he never sang to you before bed? Did he tell you bedtime stories, then?"
"…Sometimes he would tell me about the different classifications of Festum before I went to sleep…"
Silence filled the room. Kazuki's eyebrow twitched. Feeling somehow as though he had done something wrong, Soushi discreetly sank further into his blankets. A pause. Then, suddenly, in a flurry of motion, Kazuki threw himself at a surprised Soushi, wrapped his arms around him and hugged him hard.
"Soushi!" Kazuki all but wailed.
"Wh-what!" a baffled and flushed Soushi cried. When Kazuki drew back to cup his face with his hands, Soushi got a good look at the almost tearful look in the other's eyes. Kazuki shook his head as though in defiance.
"Well, it doesn't matter," Kazuki said determinedly. "I'm here now. And from now on, I'll take care of you properly, Soushi. That's a promise."
Soushi found himself smiling, both touched and exasperated. Before he could open his mouth to say anything, though, Kazuki had pulled his legs up on the bed beside Soushi with a quick, "Here, move over, Soushi."
Once he was settled with his body curled against Soushi's on the outside of the blankets, he gently pulled Soushi's head to rest against his shoulder.
"There, that's better, right?" he said, the vibrations of his words wiggling their way up his chest to Soushi's cheek and ear.
"I… guess," Soushi said somewhat doubtfully.
"All right! Now for a song…" Kazuki was silent for only a moment this time, and began soon enough. "Starlight surrounds you, love—"
"But I don't even have a window—"
"Don't interrupt! Just… pretend." Kazuki cleared his throat, trying to quell his embarrassment. He was doing this for Soushi's sake, after all. "Okay… ahem, starlight surrounds you, love, as I lie here beside you. Your light transcends the stars, a beacon in—"
"This sounds more like a love song than a lullaby to me."
"Soushi," Kazuki groaned. "Could you just listen?"
"I am listening. I don't think this is a song you would sing to a baby."
"Why not?"
"The vocabulary is too difficult."
"Soushi, a baby doesn't know any vocabulary."
"But stars and things are beyond their comprehension."
"That's not the point!" Kazuki sighed, and willed himself to be patient. "Soushi, just listen to the song and try not to think about other things, okay? Give it a chance."
Hearing the tinge of pleading in his voice, Soushi nodded quickly, scolding himself for giving his poor Kazuki a hard time when he was trying to do something nice for him. "All right, Kazuki. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," a placated Kazuki said. "Now, one more time… Starlight surrounds you, love, as I lie here beside you. Your light transcends the stars, a beacon in the night. The burning sun fades away next to your eyes…"
Kazuki raised his free hand slowly and began stroking Soushi's hair, rhythmically, soothingly. It felt incredibly comforting to Soushi somehow, and he unconsciously cuddled closer to Kazuki, the natural tension of limbs in daily motion easing gradually out of him. Kazuki's warm body felt wonderful just then, and the sound of his voice, soft, tender in his ear, suddenly sent a wave of lulling ease washing over him the way a soak in a nice, hot bath did. And like the temperate waters continued to lap deliciously against his tired body, Kazuki's caressing voice continued, steady and calming, to salve his tired mind.
"La la la, sleep now, my love, rest against my heart. Take my hand, whisper to me and my wings will fly us away. La la la, dream now, my love, dream of distant skies. Beyond the horizon, a lovers' paradise…"
After a pause, a sleepy, little voice said, "…You have a nice voice, Kazuki."
Kazuki smiled and continued stroking Soushi's hair, pleased at the slowing and deepening of his lover's breath and the complete limpness of the long limbs draped over him. After a moment, he began the song again softly, keeping his body still except for the hand that stroked his lover's drowsing brow. He smiled down at the long, thick lashes settled soundly on the pale cheeks, the slightly parted, pink lips that nearly brushed the chest Soushi rested his cheek on.
The sanctuary was absolute; Soushi had never felt so impregnably safe, so completely enveloped in warmth and acceptance and security. In the last, hazy moments before he slipped away into the soundest, deepest sleep he had had in a very long time, he understood that he had found what it was that he'd never realized he had longed for.
Somewhere, at last, I belong…
When he was sure that Soushi was completely asleep, Kazuki eased himself carefully out from under his lover's relaxed body, watching closely to see that he didn't wake him. Once free, he pulled the covers securely back around Soushi's shoulders, just below his soft, adorably parted lips. Keeping his touch feather-light, Kazuki ran his hand one more time over the thick, silky strands of hair and leaned down to brush a parting kiss on Soushi's forehead.
He toed his soft sneakers back on and moved silently to the door. The airlock hissed quietly as the door slid open on the starkly-bright hallway, but Soushi didn't stir. Kazuki paused at the doorway to look again at his sleeping lover, his shadow stretching all the way back to the foot of the bed as though reluctant to part from its occupant.
"Tomorrow," he whispered. "For sure. I'll see you tomorrow, Soushi." And everyday after that. Forever.
Owari
Note: You can sing that lullaby to the tune of "Sora" from Escaflowne… ;
Sorry it was long and rambly—I was still figuring Soushi and Kazuki and their relationship out… Next time will be tighter, but I hope you enjoyed it! (Please review! )