Hi all. This is going to be my first continuation fic (Listen To the Radio doesn't really count). My friend Fire Fairy asked me to dedicate this chapter to her kittens, Fabian and Phineas, who were killed a few weeks ago. So, I dedicate the first chapter of my fic to them, and hope they're enjoying kitty heaven.
"Tala?"
"Go away."
"Tala, what's wrong?"
"I said go away."
"Are you...crying?"
"When I said go away, Bryan, I meant 'go away', not 'stay and ask me stupid questions'!"
Bryan sat down beside Tala and looked over at him, puzzled. "Why are you crying?"
"It's none of your business, okay?" Yelled Tala, hiding his face behind his hands. He sniffed and stifled a sob, and Bryan stared at him, shocked to see Tala being so...emotional...
He reached out a hand and touched Tala's arm. Tala slapped it away and got up, going to the window and looking out. "Tala..."
"Leave me alone..."
"I can't leave you alone when you're like this! Why don't you tell me what's wrong...maybe I can help..."
"Bryan...I...I..." Tala collapsed against the window and sobbed helplessly. "I'm going to die Bryan..."
"What!"
Tala turned, eyes red and swollen, face marked with tears. "I'm...I'm going to die...they said..." He sniffed loudly and took a few deep breaths. "I only have a couple of months left..." He degenerated into sobs again. Bryan stared at him, almost not believing it.
"What?" He asked again, quieter. Tala turned away again, as if he couldn't bear to look at Bryan any more.
"I...I went for a check-up yesterday...a-and...the d-doctor said...when they experimented on me...they...they..." Tala gave a choking sob. "The cells in my heart and lungs are mutating...and there's no way of them doing a-a t-transplant! I...Bryan...I'm not ready to die!"
Bryan simply gaped at him. "A-Are you serious?" Tala nodded, turned, and leaned back against the wall, sliding to the floor.
"I don't want to die...I don't w-want to die, Bryan!" He curled himself up into a little ball of misery. "I don't want to die..." The sight of him so upset made Bryan go over and kneel down beside him, folding his arms around Tala and holding the sobbing redhead against his chest. Tala cried loudly, drowning out all other noise with his sadness, soaking Bryan's shoulder with tears. Bryan just held him, dazed.
"But Tala...you...you can't die..."
"I -am- dying Bryan! Even while I talk to you bits of me are changing and attacking each other! I'm tearing myself apart!" Wailed Tala. He sniffed and clutched at Bryan. "I don't want to die...I don't...I don't want to die..." He said, whispering the plea like a mantra, as if it could somehow change reality and defy the inevitable.
Two days later, and Tala still hadn't told anyone else. He kept on acting just like he normally would, only occasionally he would be a little more...distant. Just that little bit more dreamy, that little bit less responsive. Bryan was sure that if he wasn't looking for differences he wouldn't have noticed it. He was shocked, then, when Tala decided to drop his little bombshell on Spencer and Ian over breakfast. "I'm going to die soon." He said, perfectly normally, as if he were asking for the orange juice or the paper. Spencer and Ian stared at him. "I'm going to die soon." Repeated Tala. "I only have a couple of months left." He swigged down the last of his cup of coffee and walked out, leaving Bryan to assure the other two that this was, indeed, the case.
They went to look for him, and found him in his bedroom, looking into the mirror sadly. "I always wondered what I'd look like when I was older...I guess I'll never know now." He took a deep breath and turned to his friends. "I want you to know that I love you all...you're like family to me..." He said, eyes filling with tears. He opened his arms and they all huddled together in one big, painful hug. Tala started crying, stifled, muffled sobs that he found he couldn't control. "All I want is to be happy...until I...I..." He bit his lip. "Until I die." Bryan found tears filling his own eyes, and then spilling over.
"If there's anything..."
"No...not yet. I just know...I want to be as happy as I can be."
Word travelled, and before long everyone was talking about it. Tala smiled at everyone who wished him luck, or who said they'd miss him. Two days after he had told Spencer and Ian, he had told the Bladebreakers. He should have known Tyson couldn't keep a secret... When the phone had rung for the second time in as many minutes, and Lee had assured Tala that he -would- miss him, Tala disappeared. Bryan found him much later, laying under his bed. "Tala?"
Tala tried to look up and hit his head off one of the slats. He wriggled out from under the bed and waved something in Bryan's face triumphantly. "It fell down there last night, and then I started reading it!" He smiled, then offered the small black book he was holding to Bryan.
"What is it?"
"It's my diary. I want you to read it."
"You...want me to read it?" Repeated Bryan stupidly. "Why?"
"I just do."
Bryan looked down at the book doubtfully. When he looked up Tala had already gone. He sat down on the bed and opened the book.
"I am Tala Ivanov. I am currently fifteen years old, and I live at Balkov Abbey in Russia. I was born in Koblinz, and moved to Moscow when I was eight. Then everything that had been good in the world was turned upside down.
I don't remember much, but I know my mother died when I was ten. Then I lived on the streets. It sounds like a cliché, but I slept rough and ended up getting into prostitution. That was when I was twelve.
After that, I spent my life in a brothel. Most of the time I hated everyone who came in...but one time there was this really nice guy. He came every Thursday, and he always asked for me. He was called Morgan. He was about twenty something. Funny, really. I never knew all that much about him. Never asked him his favourite colour, or his exact age. I don't think he ever told me his surname, but it was a while ago. I don't really remember.
I don't really think it could be called dating, seeing as he paid eight hundred roubles for every hour he spent with me. Didn't matter to him, though. He was loaded. But I suppose after a while I started to...love him. He was...dependable. And then I found out that he came every night and shagged one person every night of the week. Yvan on Monday, Kuvan on Tuesday, Vladimir on Wednesday, and poor, stupid Tala on Thursdays.
After that, I told him I wasn't going to go with him any more and he changed Yvan to Thursdays and started shagging the manager on Mondays. And then of course he told him that I wasn't up to standard. Liar. He never complained until I told him I hated him. But I got thrown out. Now it had been a while since I'd really been on the streets. Couple of years, I think. So it was hard at first, but I knew from way back that if you don't get it quickly you get dead. Or raped, and my past experiences of that were...less than pleasant.
I was fourteen then, and while I was waifing around, some weird guy came up to me. He said his name was Boris Balkov, and that he could see a future for me. So I went with him. Wouldn't you? Well, I suppose you couldn't, seeing as you're a book, but I was freezing, starving, and I was desperate. After all, I didn't really think you could get lower than prostitution.
At first this abbey was a great place, but...then it changed. But I'm tired now, and I need to be up in the morning, so goodnight."
Bryan gaped down at the first page. Tala had written it in tiny writing, all squashed up on the page. He'd scrawled his initials at the bottom, and Bryan traced the letters wonderingly. Why had Tala given him this? Why had he allowed Bryan to read about something so...personal? He read back over the entry, blinking. Tala had been a prostitute? A gay prostitute? He had always had his doubts about Tala's sexual preferences, but...
He turned the page.
"I think I should probably give you a name, but I refuse to indulge myself in stupid whims. You're a diary, and I'm only writing in you to stop myself from going insane. Everything in my life is just so full of...tension at the moment. For a start, Boris, my trainer, beats me up on a regular basis. The owner of the abbey rapes me. And I'm not allowed to tell anyone. And on top of that, training's hard. Physically and mentally. Plus, and this is the real bastard, I'm in love.
His name is Bryan Kuznetsov. He's the second best after me. I'm not bragging or anything. It's not out of pride. It's just a fact. But anyway, about Bryan. He's a few months older than me, and he's taller and broader than me too. He has quite long hair, kind of a greyish purple, and his eyes are a sort of...well...I would say they were lavender. His nose turns up at the end and his hands are huge, much bigger than mine. He seems to have a thing for fur, too- on his boots and his collar.
To be frank, he's almost naive. He asked me what I'd been doing before we came here and I said "Working the streets." Which is the most general term I could find for prostitution. I wasn't ready to admit I'd lived in a brothel. By then I was ashamed of it. But he didn't get it anyway. He thought I was talking about pick pocketing, and I never told him otherwise. He's like me, sort of. He has no time for most people, but he respects me as his captain, and as such doesn't dare ignore me.
I didn't say about that, did I? I'm the captain of the abbey beyblading team, the Blitzkrieg team. I have no idea why Boris decided it was going to be Blitzkrieg- I mean, that's German, and we're a Russian team, but like I was saying, I'm the captain. Bryan's after me, and then a guy called Spencer, and then Ian.
And I'm in love with Bryan. But I can't tell him. Sucks, huh?
There was a line of ink scratched up the page at that point, from where Tala had obviously almost fallen asleep.
"I'm really tired now...so 'night."
Bryan gaped down at the page, then stood up. "Tala!" He called. Footsteps, and then Tala appeared in the doorway. Bryan waved the diary at him helplessly. "You...what...I...love?" He managed eventually. Then, "Prostitute?" Tala nodded. "Voltaire-!" Another nod. "You never told me!"
"You never thought what you thought was wrong. I...didn't want to tell you. But now I want you to understand. I want you to know all about me before..." Tala took a deep breath. He was still getting to grips with the idea. "Before I die. And I'll warn you now, most of it's depressing. But it's all there. Everything. You probably don't want to...but...think of it as one of the last favours I'm ever going to ask you." Bryan was silent for a moment or two, then spoke.
"Now I understand why you weren't impressed when Spencer said he got laid..." Tala nodded.
"He got laid. Once. With a woman..." He pulled a face. "People say sex between a man and a woman is the best thing going, but sex with another man...it's better. So much better..." Bryan found himself blushing, and Tala sat down next to him, turning the page and reading his own writing with nosy interest. Bryan decided that he would continue reading.
"I haven't written in this diary for a long time. At the moment, we (the ex-Blitzkrieg team) are living in Moscow. At the -other- side, far away from the abbey. We got out of there ages ago, so now we're a solo team. It's good. Life's good. Well, pretty good anyway. No more Boris, no more Voltaire, and I'm captain so I decide how long and how hard we train.
Bryan's still a problem, though. He never talks about women, and he never talks about men, so I can't work out if he's gay or not. It's hard to think of anyone so manly being gay, but when I was at the brothel, there were a few butch guys every now and then. It sometimes makes me angry, because I want to know if I have a chance with him, but then I remember that we're fifteen, or in his case, almost sixteen. Normal people are just finding out about sex now, and I guess that means that he's never thought about it all that much.
Spencer thinks he's so clever at the minute because he met some ugly girl and had sex with her. From what he says, they went to a cheap hotel. Can you say sleazy? Even most prostitutes have better taste, and treat their partners better. Or maybe it's just gay men? When I was first in the streets I went with a couple of women, but when I got into men I was hooked. Gay sex is addictive. Wonder what Bryan would say if he knew I was writing things like this?
Ah, who knows. But I do know that every time I look at him I have to fight down an urge to just grab him and kiss him until he melts. Thing is though, I often wonder if it would be different if I had sex with Bryan. Would it be like it used to be? Or would it be different because I actually love him? I used to think I loved Morgan, but the more I think about it, it was me wishing it was love. It was fake, and I can tell because what I feel about Bryan is so much stronger. I should really stop thinking the things I do, but...oh, what's the use? Night."
"Tala...I..."
"Would it be so bad?" Tala's voice was low. "I'll be dead soon anyway. Don't you even want to know what it feels like-?" Bryan blinked.
"Tala..." Tala smiled sadly and got up.
"Maybe you should read the rest of it. I..." He walked to the door. "I'm sorry. I won't ask about it any more." And he was gone, leaving Bryan sat there, feeling like a burglar in Tala's room, stealing his secrets. He turned another page.
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I wonder if perhaps...if things had been different...maybe I would be with Bryan now. Maybe...I wouldn't be gay. Maybe I wouldn't want to be with him. Sometimes I play around with fantasy universes in my head, but sooner or later you have to go back to being real again.
But most of the time, real hurts. Especially when I remember that real means Bryan isn't... I don't know what he isn't, but I'm not with him in the way I want to be. Every time I look at him it hurts. Because I love him and I'll never be able to tell him how I feel. Maybe when we're older...much older...I'll tell him. Maybe by the time I'm old I won't feel as strongly about him. I...I can't write about this any more. Maybe I'll just give up this diary. I mean...what if he finds it? So... I suppose this is my last entry. Bye diary."
Bryan could have cried. He stood up, tucking the diary into his pocket. He crept downstairs and found Tala standing at the kitchen counter, dipping his finger in the sugar bowl and licking it, then dipping it in again. Bryan watched him for a second, then sneaked over behind him. He placed his hands on Tala's stomach, pressing up close behind him. He didn't quite know what to do then, so he moved his hands further round, crossing them across Tala's front. He kissed the back of Tala's neck gently and held him tighter. "Tala..."
"Oh Bryan..." Whispered Tala. He leaned against Bryan, tears in his eyes. "Don't do this because you feel you have to...I..."
"Shh."
Tala turned, burrowing himself into Bryan's embrace as if Bryan could save him, as if Bryan had the power to take what was real and break it apart, then put it back together and make it right again. "Bryan..." Tala choked. "I'm scared...I'm so scared..."
"Tala..." Bryan stroked Tala's hair and cradled him close. Suddenly he felt an enormous pain in his chest and started to cry softly. "Tala...this isn't fair...there's no time..."
"There's time...there's a time and a place for everything under the sun...someone told me that once...and it's true. Oh Bryan...Bryan I love you...I don't want to go..."
"I don't want you to go...Tala..." Bryan grasped Tala's shoulders roughly and kissed him. It was a clumsy, inexperienced kiss, but it soon deepened until Tala and Bryan were laid across the table, kissing and crying and whispering to each other. Tala clutched at Bryan as if he were never going to let go, but in a second of agony Bryan realised that he would have to let go...that this life, this beautiful, wonderful person with whom he'd shared so much and yet so painfully little was going to be gone. Erased...winked out of existence like a bubble.
"Tala..." Bryan's hands ran along Tala's shoulders and down his arms, then up his back and neck, stroking over his cheeks and nose and eyes. He stood up off the table and caressed Tala's lips. "I wish-"
"Don't wish. There's not time for wishing. Whatever you want, ask for it and if I can give you it I will. If what they said was true I only have seven weeks left...I want them to be happy. And making you happy would make me happy. I want to leave you happy, Bryan."
"I don't want you to leave me at all, Tala..."
"But I have to...I've thought about it and thought about it, and I'm starting to accept it. But I'm scared. I haven't -done- anything yet. You've read far enough to see that my life has been a string of mistakes and I want to be happy before I die. I was never happy as a prostitute...I was never happy in the abbey...I've never been really happy..."
Bryan couldn't bear to hear it any more. He yanked Tala closer and closed his lips over the redhead's, cutting off the words he didn't want to hear. Tala pulled away tearfully. "Bryan...don't ignore it. I'm going to die. I won't be here any more."
"No!"
"I'm going to die!"
Bryan pulled away from him, horrified. "Why did you wait so long to tell me! Why couldn't you have SAID something! I don't want you to die! I want to learn about you! I want to grow old with you! I want you to be with me! How can you give me those feelings and then leave!" He yelled. Tala's lip quivered again and Bryan suddenly felt like a monster. "Tala..."
"I never meant to hurt you Bryan!" Wailed Tala. "I was scared! I've spent my life scared! I don't know when I haven't been! I couldn't tell you because I thought you'd reject me and then I would have DIED! NOT THAT IT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE NOW!" He screamed. Bryan flinched and backed away.
"No...No..."
"IT'S NOT YOU WHO'S GOING TO DIE!" Bryan burst into tears and grabbed hold of Tala again
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." He kissed Tala, hands clamped around Tala's upper arms, crushing the two of them together. Tala struggled away, rubbing his arms and whimpering. Bryan backed away from him, shaking his head. "I'm sorry..." He watched tears fill Tala's eyes. He had gone to try and comfort Tala and had only succeeded in hurting him. "I'm sorry..." He gazed into Tala's tear-filled eyes for a second and then ran.
So, what did you think? Good, bad, indifferent? Reviews would be appreciated!