Soft Stars
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gilmore Girls or its characters.
DEDICATION: This is dedicated to Claire - Thanks for helping me with some of the early stuff/ideas! and Arianna - You have been such a big help! I finished the first chapter for you! Thanks!
SUMMARY: AU. Set in Season 5 with possible references to all episodes up to "So… Good Talk."
RATING: PG-13 for language
Prologue
Someone knocks on the exam room door. Lorelai glances at Rory and gives her a weak smile.
"Come in," she says. The door opens and the doctor comes in. The doctor, a woman, has a concerned look on her face. Rory takes notice, but she remains silent. Lorelai tries to lighten the mood.
"What's up doc? Am I dying?"
"Mom!" Rory glares at Lorelai. The doctor shifts and rubs the back of her neck, looking uncomfortable.
"Miss Gilmore"
"Lorelai."
"Lorelai, could we discuss these results alone?"
"No," Rory says. "I want to be here." The doctor glances at Lorelai.
"She can stay." The doctor's lips twitch downward, not quite a frown.
"Okay. Lorelai, you have pancreatic cancer." Rory lets out an audible sob before covering her mouth with her hands. Lorelai stares at the doctor in shock.
"How… how bad is it?"
"Stage IV. What that means is this: the cancer has spread from your pancreas to your liver and lungs. We also refer to this as advanced cancer."
"I don't understand. How is the possible? I've been fine!" The doctor offers a sympathetic smile.
"The symptoms that you described match those of pancreatic cancer. The tests that we ran confirmed it."
"Why didn't I know before now?"
"Pancreatic cancer often goes unnoticed in the early stages."
"How-how long?"
"I can't say for sure…"
Chapter 1 - Broken Harmony
Rory stares at the coffin. Her mind is in overdrive. She hates it all, the dress, the flowers, the fake sympathies. She doesn't know how she has climbed out of the bed the last few days. A gentle hand touches her shoulder. She doesn't know who it is, and she doesn't care anymore. She makes a quick turn and presses her face into him or her. Him, it's definitely a him, she thinks, feeling his suit. Strong arms reach around her and pull her into a bone-crushing hug.
Rory hasn't cried yet. She knows she's not devoid of feelings, but she's dead to the world around her. Six words have been playing in her head, over and over.
"We couldn't save her. I'm sorry." Fuck that. Fuck it all. She wonders if the doctor has ever heard those words. Sugarcoating it doesn't help. It makes it hurt more. Why can't they just fucking say it? It doesn't change the truth. The truth is this: Lorelai is dead.
He doesn't speak. Though he's never lost, lost in the sense of death, a parent, he has some idea of how she feels. He knows that no words will make this better. No words will make the pain hurt less. She just needs someone to hold onto right now. He doesn't think she even cares who it is right now.
He's right. She just wants to have someone to hold and be held back. She's turned away the comfort of friends and family. They don't really know her. They don't want to know her this way, this broken, lost shell of a person. She just wants someone who will hold her and talk to her for that person. She can't ignore Lorelai's death, and she doesn't want people to tell her that everything's going to be okay. Maybe they're right, but she's afraid of the path that it will take to get there.
This isn't a movie, and he's not there to just pick her up and make everything right again. Nothing is going to do that, and nothing is ever going to be the same again. He's just there for her. He's what she needs most right now: a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, and someone who understands her. She knows he understands because he doesn't say the empty words that everyone else has said.
He debated about whether he should come, but he's glad he did. He and Rory have a rocky past, but that's what it is now: the past. The future can't be lived by the past, and right now, Rory's afraid to face the future.
The words come, the words that she's been waiting to hear. It's almost like a sweet melody.
"I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to."
And the tears begin to fall.
She's not afraid to cry now. He's not going to try to wipe the tears away and make it all better because they both know he can't do that.
Never letting go of Rory, he leads her to a couch, and they sit down together. The tears aren't stopping, but he doesn't try to stop them. He strokes her hair gently as she leans her head on his shoulder and cries.
"Don't go," she says. "Don't leave me."
"I won't," he whispers. This isn't enough for Rory. She needs him here.
"Promise me. Promise me you won't leave."
"I promise." He gives Rory a soft kiss on the forehead and glances up as someone walks by. He makes brief eye contact with the person. In that moment, all wrongs between the two are made right, and his world is spinning freely. Then, the moment is over, and he turns back to Rory, to a world that is spinning on a broken axle.
Rory watches people get up and talk about the person that Lorelai was, but she only hears a steady rhythm of sound. Their words are lost to her, and she doesn't want to hear them. She knows what kind of person her best friend was, and she knows about every moment of her best friend's life.
His arm is wrapped around her tightly. She's delicate and vulnerable. It hurts him to see her this way. She doesn't deserve this, and Lorelai didn't deserve to die this way, but life doesn't always work in favor of what people deserve. He's been around enough to know this.
Rory slips her hand into her purse and her fingers clench a folded letter. She remembers what Lorelai told her about it.
"When I'm gone, I want you to read this. Read it, and remember that I'm always here for you, no matter what."
As Rory unfolds the letter, tears begin to fall again, but he doesn't move a muscle as her eyes scan the page.
Dear Rory, you may find this letter to be a lot more serious than... well… me. Don't remember me this way. Don't remember the way I was when I was sick. Remember the way we lived life, and the way that we've always been there for each other. Remember me. I will always be here for you, and when you think I'm not, I want you to read this poem.
I Did Not Die
Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.
I am not there. I did not die.
Melinda Sue Pacho
Love Always, Mom
Carefully, Rory folds the letter and puts it back in her purse. She wipes tears from her eyes, but a single tear slips away and rolls down her cheek. He reaches out and wipes it away with his thumb, and the gesture is enough to make Rory want to cry again. She doesn't this time, and inside, another piece of her breaks apart.
People begin to walk by the coffin. Rory watches quietly. Friends and Stars Hollow residents offer sympathetic smiles, but she remains motionless. Then, she realizes that it's her turn. She doesn't know if she can even walk the short distance to the coffin, but he's there, and he's not leaving.
They stand up together, and he keeps his arm around her waist, holding her close. She leans against him as they walk up to the coffin alone.
A picture of Lorelai stares at them, and he can't take his eyes off of it. Rory touches the coffin gently. Crying, she leans forward and kisses it. He's holding her up right now, both physically and mentally.
It's time for her to walk away from the coffin, but it's more than that. She's turning away from everything that she has always known. A new path is ahead, and for the first time, Lorelai won't be there to help her through it.
It's the symbol of a now broken harmony that had once been her life.
A/N: That's all for today! Review! Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is very welcome! I'm excited about the next chapter, and there will be a next chapter. My wonderful inspiration will make sure it happens, right Ari?