Help
AN: This was based purely on me listening to the song "Breathe me" by Sia. I suggest you listen to it for this story. It is a simply beautiful and haunting song and I felt it really portrayed Charlie's mindset. I am going to be putting the lyrics throughout the story in italics.
Romance/friendship pairing: Charlie/Amita
Rated: PG
Amita moved quietly through the halls of Cal Sci. She had been waiting for Charlie in her car for nearly 30 minutes now. She was now used to having to wait for him since he was easily distracted with that brain of his. At first it had annoyed her, but now she realise that was just how he worked.
If a thought popped into his head, he dropped whatever he was doing to figure it out on the nearest surface he was able to write on. That included some surfaces she wished he left alone, she thought morosely about her bathroom mirror and an unsuspecting tube of her lipstick.
She knocked lightly on the door to his office. It was where she had left him. She grinned slightly at the fact he had called out, "I'll be there in a minute," as she had left to go start her car. The famous last words of Professor Charlie Eppes, she thought to herself.
Help, I have done it again
Normally when she went to go find Charlie she would find him furiously jotting down equations. His books, jacket, bag or bike, whatever he had been carrying at the time of the epiphany, dropped haphazardly on the floor.
I have been here many times before
She would clear her throat or call his name, usually more than once, and he would finally look up at her. First, he would appear dazed, like he couldn't quite place her name. Then a look of realization would come, quickly followed by embarrassment, as he realized he had once again forgotten about her. She would just smile and ask him if he was ready to go yet.
Hurt myself again today
Amita received no reply from Charlie within the classroom but if he was actually in the throes of his next mathematical conquest, she hadn't really been expecting one. She pushed the door open and was surprised to find that the lights were off. The room was lit only by the setting sun, filling it with a warm orange light that was uniquely Southern Californian.
Also absent was the familiar snap and scrape of chalk on a blackboard. She looked around in the dim light and was about to leave, thinking he wasn't there, when she noticed a figure slumped down against the wall.
She frowned, it was Charlie. His back was against the wall as he sat on the floor. His forearms were resting on his drawn up knees, his hands hanging between them. His head was leaned back against the wall.
"Charlie?" He made no move to answer as he stared with unfocused eyes ahead of him.
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Amita moved until she was standing beside him. She looked down at the eerily silent man with concern and spoke his name again, "Charlie?"
Finally his head turned slowly and he looked up at her. "Hey…" His voice sounded far away… Distracted. Unnaturally quiet. He made no move to get up, however, and he turned his gaze back to the point unknown in front of him.
Amita frowned and sat down carefully next to him. "Are you alright?" She placed her hand lightly on his arm, trying to bring his attention back to her.
He glanced for a moment at her hand on his arm before speaking in the same distracted tone, "Sorry to keep you waiting…I got side tracked."
She shook head slightly. "What's wrong, Charlie?"
He continued on as if he'd not even heard her question. "I know I said I'd be a minute but I wasn't. I do that a lot to you don't I? Leave you hanging?"
He swallowed and looked at her imploringly. "I don't mean to you know? I just get so wrapped up in my thoughts." He said the last part bitterly.
She smiled slightly. "No it's ok, Charlie. I'm used to it, really, it's no big deal."
He frowned. "You shouldn't have to be used to it. You deserve better than that. You deserve so much better than how I treat you." He looked into her eyes in such a way that she felt her heart hammer in her chest, "Amita, you are…" He paused, "beyond wonderful. And I take advantage of that sometimes."
Amita was starting to get worried. "Charlie, what is this all about? Why are you…"
He cut her off in a dejected voice. "I screwed up."
Ouch I have lost myself again
She frowned again, "Charlie, I already told you, it's no big deal that I had to wait for you."
He shook his head vaguely. "It's not that." He scowled, "Its not just that."
She waited for him to continue and he held up a photograph that she hadn't noticed he'd been holding, "I found it when I was looking for my keys in my desk."
She drew her worried gaze from Charlie to look at the photograph.
The colour photo had that yellow tinge that older photographs commonly have. It depicted two boys, one older and one younger, grinning broadly with a pretty woman between them; their arms slung over each other's shoulders. The woman looked mid-laugh, a pose she had probably thought unflattering but anyone else who saw it would simply be forced to smile at the infectious atmosphere of the picture and the pure joy on her face.
The older of the boys had dirt smudged over his tanned face and a clean, paler forehead that told of hard work done while wearing a ball cap. The younger boy's grin was proudly showing off a space where a tooth or two should have been.
It was the quintessential family picture. She looked up at Charlie.
"That's Don and me," he explained.
Amita smiled softly, she hadn't needed to be told that. She had recognized them instantly. She also recognized the woman that Charlie had not mentioned in the picture. He rarely talked about his mother, but she had seen pictures of her in his house.
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
He sighed heavily, "And that's my mom. She was beautiful…"
She looked at him, a little surprised that he mentioned his mother, before she spoke. "Yes, very." She smiled softly. "She looks happy in this picture."
Charlie nodded as he continued to gaze at the picture. "That was after one of Don's baseball games. He made the game winning hit that day. Bases loaded and everything." A small smile played across his lips. "Mom and Dad took us out for ice cream afterward. Let me have a big cone too, not the small one they usually made me get."
Amita smiled but stayed silent, letting him continue.
Charlie cleared his throat. "She always had vanilla. Always. Never tried anything else. She said that there was no point to complicating something as simple as ice cream." His voice was getting hoarse as he continued on. "She was one of those perfect ones, the parent that most kids dream of getting. She always believed in me. And she never lost her patience with me either," he laughed slightly, "and god knows I can be a pain in the butt."
He bit his lip and his brow furrowed. "She was always there for me. No matter what." Pain and anger flashed in his eyes, "And when she needed me…I was nowhere to be seen."
Yeah I think that I might break
Amita opened her mouth to interject but everything she wanted to say seemed inadequate.
Charlie's voice was teeming with anguish and Amita felt her heart ache for him, "I spent the last days of her life in a room working on a math problem I knew was unsolvable. I knew it." His voice broke but he continued on. "She died and I wasn't there: to hold her hand one last time, to make her smile, to say goodbye." He slumped forward, his forehead resting on his arms. "What kind of person does that? What kind of son does that?" His voice hitched in his throat as he muttered softly, his voice overflowing with grief, "God, I was awful!"
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Amita felt tears of her own build up in the back of her eyes and she interrupted him softly, "Charlie, no." She pulled herself closer to him. She slid her palm across his face, turning him to look at her. The look of desolation and guilt in his eyes took her breath away for a moment. She had never seen him so unhinged. His normally vibrant eyes seemed dull, the only sparkle coming from the unshed tears barely held at bay. And this look scared her. It scared her to her very core and she desperately wished there was something she could do to bring her old Charlie back.
She looked into his eyes and implored him to see reason, "You are not a bad man Charlie. You were hurting and sad and you dealt with your grief the only way you knew how."
Be my friend
This seemed to distress him even more, "But Dad and Don, they were hurting just as bad. I didn't see them running away and hiding. I mean, they practically had to drag me to her funeral!" His eyes welled up again and his voice trembled. "I don't think I've ever seen Don as mad as he was with me on that day. He had every right to be angry, she was his mother too. But none of that even crossed my mind. I just kept right on working on that stupid math problem."
Amita smoothed back a stray curl from his face. "Charlie, you will never be like everybody else. You're different, special. And you are going to react to situations differently from everyone else."
He laughed humorlessly. "If that means spurning my mother on her death bed then I don't want it anymore," he said with disgust. A look of horror suddenly crossed his face. "What if she didn't know that I loved her? God, I Don't think I told her that the last time I saw her!" His eyes filled with fresh tears. "She died without me telling her I love her!"
"Charlie..." Amita felt her throat constrict. Throughout this entire conversation she had felt at a loss, unsure of how to comfort Charlie in his broken state. But with a sudden feeling of certainty, she now knew exactly what she was supposed to do. She slid her arms around him and pulled him close into a warm embrace, wishing it would take away his pain.
Hold me, wrap me up
Charlie's arms slid around her in return, pulling her tightly against him.
She was immediately engulfed in all the wonderful and warm smells that were uniquely Charlie. She placed a kiss on his temple and whispered, "She knew Charlie. She knew why you couldn't come to visit. She knew it and she understood it." Amita pulled back slightly and looked into his eyes.
Unfold me
She persisted with a quiet conviction, "And she knew you loved her. She loved you and you loved her your entire life. She knew that didn't stop when she got sick. Your mother understood everything you did and not once did it cross her mind that it was because you didn't love her. Mothers know that their kids love them and they understand why they do the things they do."
I am small
She held him tight again and whispered as Charlie's body trembled, "She knew you loved her very much, Charlie. So don't allow yourself to believe otherwise." She held him close and felt his body relax against hers. As the tension left him, she allowed herself to explore the experience of holding him. His warmth seeped through their clothes and mingled with hers making her stomach do a little flip. She bit her lip slightly and tightened her hold on him. She turned her face into the crook of his neck and let out a breath.
I'm needy
Amita felt a small shiver run through Charlie. She realized that she had just breathed down the neck of his shirt. She felt her face heat up slightly and she pulled back, slightly ashamed for feeling the way she was while he grieved.
Charlie didn't seem to notice her slight discomfort though, as he studied her face.
She began to fidget under his intense gaze. "What?" She asked self-consciously as she tucked her hair behind one ear nervously.
He let out a breath of his own and smiled softly at her. "Thank you."
She smiled and met his gaze, shrugging slightly. "Any time, Charlie. That's what I'm here for."
He continued to study her and again her heart beat a bit faster.
"Amita?"
Something in his voice sent a thrill through her body, "Yes, Charlie?"
He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts before continuing. "I think the thing that bothered me most about my mother's…" he paused again but went on with only the slightest quake in his voice, "…death, was all the things I didn't have a chance to say to her. The really important things. And even if she did already know them, I still should have said them to her." He sighed, "I don't want to make that same mistake with the rest of the people in my life I care about."
She looked at him questioningly. "What do you…"
Charlie cut her off. "You know how my Dad asked, 'What's more important: learning or love'?"
Amita was about to respond when Charlie leaned forward and captured her lips with his in a tender but ardent kiss.
Warm me up
For a moment she sat, simply stunned. But her shock was quickly replaced by every emotion she had felt and pushed down for Charlie over the time she had known him. She eagerly leaned into him, kissing him back with an equaled intensity. The feeling of his lips against her sent shivers down to her toes as she readily took in this long awaited moment.
She lightly grasped the collar of his shirt, loving the feeling of his body heat against her hands as her fingers gently skimmed the bare skin at his neck.
As their breath became short they slowly pulled apart, with Charlie's warm hand now at the back of her neck, his thumb caressing where her ear and jaw met.
Charlie's dark brown eyes studied hers for a moment as they collected their breath. He smiled tenderly before whispering, "I choose love."
Amita heart fumbled in her chest. Bliss filled her as she realized that months of waiting for this man had not been for nothing and she smiled. "Me too," she whispered softly back before losing herself in another intoxicating kiss.
And breathe me
I have to add a shout out now. To my savior, my Beta, M.Marchand. She put aside her own story just to beta mine and her indepth look at it made me go Eep (scared noise) and Aah (understanding noise) all at once. She is brilliant and without her this story wouldn't be what it is. So I think you should (if you havn't already) check out her Numb3r fics here on fanfictiondotnet. It will blow you away. M, you rock my socks. Your friend, Belligerent-Road-Pylon (not cone).
Now review please!