The Apple Tree War
A comedy of apples
By tikitikirevenge

Legal note: I do not own any characters in this story. They all belong to Nintendo. If you think I should own them, send hate mail to Nintendo explaining how I am far more creative, intelligent and… er… cool than them. And then they'll like me a lot more.

Before I begin, I would like to explain why I wrote this story. To date, I have published three stories so far, one an obvious parody/rant, and two which consisted of vague plot lines and random humour. I am now going to try to attempt the impossible, and write a non-random funny story. That's right, you won't see the phrase "peanut moon" even once in this entire story! Correction, "peanut moon" appears once now. Make that twice.
"Why?", the 1.62 of you who care ask. Well, that's because I've decided that I'm going to call all characters male until someone tells me I'm wrong so th… do you want me to skip straight to the story? I thought as much. So without any further Ado: (get it? Ado? ha ha ha ha ha not funny)
Here we go…
Anyone there?
Okay, here I go…

The Players
Kirby: A pink spherical male with rosy cheeks and an appetite which is almost insatiable (a couple of planets might do the trick). He is not, repeat not, a cream puff. I don't even know what a cream puff is. However, I can safely say that he is a pink spherical male with rosy cheeks and an almost-insatiable appetite. He seems like a friendly person, and he looks adorable.
King Dedede: A frog who looks and acts like a penguin, but is really a frog. A blue frog. With a beak. And wings. It seems as if Dedede is also quite generous when choosing his own meals, judging by his waistline and the whole gourmet race scenario. He has a big mallet. If the mallet is on top of you, that's bad.
Waddle Dees: They're cute.
Rick: A hamster.
Coo: An owl.
Kine: A blue and yellow fish.
Pitch: A very, very small green bird (remember, Kirby is only about 18cm tall). He looks angry a lot of the time.
Chuchu: A pink octopus wearing a red ribbon. She's female.
Nago: A cat. (Very imaginative descriptions, eh?)
Gooey: A blue blob, who is like Dark Matter, but a good guy. (That is, his eyes look totally out of place like Dark Matter, but he's small and easy to knock away with a twig.)
Dark Matter: Some evil thing. "Dark matter" sounds better, all considered. Dark Matter can possess everybody in the entire universe except for Kirby because Kirby is pink.
Kirby: Did I mention he wears red shoes?
Nightmare: I'm sure there's something really funny I could say about its name, but I can't think of it. Pretend I said it anyway.
Grill: A cowgirl turnip. No, I don't believe that either.
Ado Magical painter. It is quite likely that Ado and Adeline are one and the same, so Ado will be considered a female in this story (as not even the creative mind behind the Kirby franchise would give a male a name like that).
Chef Kawasaki: A chef. Wearing a chef's hat. He's good with a frying pan.
Jennifer: A character who has no relevance to the story, but was included because she sounds real cool.
Kirby: And his jester hat when he becomes Beam Kirby is really cute.
Tick: I know that naming conventions differ, so I'll make this clear: they're the little cute guys with red pointed spike hats of death. You don't want to be above them at any given moment.
Poppy brothers: They're all very joyful and evil. And they run around on apples.
Nruff: Sooooo cute!
Kirby: And in those N64 games where he says "Hii!" it just makes me cry in joy.
Okay, I'll shut up now.

Act 1 - Establishment; Introduction; Setting

Our story begins beneath, of all things, an apple tree. This wasn't just any old apple tree, mind you. This was Whispy Woods, a young apple tree. (Or so he'd have us believe.)
Beneath him were two people: King Dedede and Dark Matter. Dark Matter had learnt that it was extremely rude to possess random bystanders, and was constantly trying to improve his etiquette.
"Excuse me," said Dark Matter. "May I possess you?"
"No thank you," replied King Dedede.
"Please?"
"I can't say no to a polite person," said King Dedede, shrugging.
But before Dark Matter could take over Dedede, a Warp Star went flying by and hit Dedede in the head, knocking him out cold.
"Oh dearie me," said Dark Matter. "What am I to do?"

Many months later…
"I know," said Dark Matter. "I'll possess someone else." And with that, he went off. To possess someone else.

A few minutes later…
Kirby was sitting under Whispy Woods with his female friend… hmm… come to think of it, there aren't many female characters on Pop Star, are there?
…Nago's a cat. He'd do.
So anyway, Kirby and Nago were sitting under Whispy Woods, kissing passionately- no, it doesn't work. Kine is too noncommittal, and I can't use Dedede for the sake of plot continuity, so… Chuchu! Yes, Kirby was sitting under the apple tree kissing Chuchu passionately. Why? Because they were good friends. Why? I don't know!
"Could you kiss a little bit more quietly?" yawned Whispy. "I'm trying to sleep."
"Trees don't sleep," said Chuchu suspiciously.
"True," said Whispy Woods. "I'll just watch you two kiss then."
Kirby and Chuchu glanced at each other momentarily before edging away ever so slowly.
"Don't go!" said Whispy Woods, trying to give chase. "I'll-" He realised he was rooted to the spot. In his attempts to follow, an apple went flying from his leaves, and went flying onto Kirby's head. Kirby being the bouncy fellow he is, the apple ricocheted off and landed on Chuchu's head before tumbling to earth (or Pop Star, if you'd prefer).
This is where the plot complication begins.
You see, Kirby noticed the apple falling on his head but failed to notice it landing on Chuchu's head. Chuchu conversely noticed the apple landing on her head but did not realise that it also landed on Kirby's head. This led to some minor misunderstandings.
"HOW DARE YOU DROP AN APPLE ON MY HEAD?" yelled Kirby at Chuchu.
"Oh sure, twist the truth," said Chuchu, readying her tentacles for some punching fun!
"YOU TOLD WHISPY TO THROW IT AT ME!"
"Did not! Whispy threw it at me because you asked him to!"
Whispy Woods interrupted. "Pardon me, but as a matter of fact, the app-"
"Shut up," said Chuchu in her special death threat voice.
"Yes'm," said Whispy Woods meekly.
"You listen to me," said Chuchu, pushing Kirby against a rock. "You may think you've gotten away with it, but I swear you'll be sorry that you ever tried throwing apples at me."
"You threw the apple at me!" said Kirby. "And I have the ice cream to prove it!" He pulled out an ice cream cone from behind his back and ate it.
The two of them looked angrily at each other. Then they stormed off. Chuchu headed back to the grassy plains of Green Greens. Kirby went back to Whispy.
"Could I have more apples?" he said.
"Fine," sighed Whispy Woods. "But promise me that you two will make it all up and become good fri-"
Kirby snatched a few ripe apples and ran for it.
"Am I the only person here with the slightest sign of wisdom?" sighed Whispy Woods.
"No," yelled Coo as he flew past. "I'm wise too, wise guy. Get it, wise guy? Because it's an insult too? And we're both wis-" Coo flew into Whispy's face.
"Not a good day," sighed the apple tree (Whispy, not Coo).
"Mommy? May I have the milk?" said King Dedede, finally coming to.
Whispy hit him in the face.
"Bad doggie," muttered Dedede.
"That's more like it," said a smiling Whispy.

And so Whispy Woods began a fearsome grudge, stuffing up things for everyone else like he always does. Did you hear that Whispy? Yes, that's right! I'm insulting you! What are you going to do about it?
Anyway, I was just about to explain what happened next.
Chuchu arrived back at the river and went straight to her good friend, Kine.
"Kine, you're my friend, right?"
"Yes," said Kine.
"You owe me a favour, right?"
"I do?"
"Yes, you do. Well, I need you to help me with so-"
"I'm not eating Kirby."
"Oh… in which case, do you have any firearms?"
"Fish don't keep firearms," said Kine exasperatedly. "Now be quiet. I'm trying to finish eating this sushi."
Chuchu thought desperately. "But Kirby hit me."
"He WHAT?" said Kine, completely forgetting his manners and grammar.
"He told Whispy to throw an apple at me."
"Hmm… perhaps I could kill him, after all."
"That's the spirit," said Chuchu, straightening her ribbon.

Somewhere fairly close by, Kirby was talking to Nago. "And I think Chuchu is trying to kill me," he concluded. "I need your protection."
"What do I get out of it?"
"You can eat Pitch."
"Deal."
Kirby pulled out a baseball bat. "If you see Chuchu come by, hit her with this. Then cook her."
"I don't think I can eat her… maybe if I take the ribbon off first?"
"No, no, the ribbon is part of the flavour."

Chuchu stormed into King Dedede's castle and went straight up to Dedede.
"WHO DARES DISTURB MY PEACEFUL SLUMBER?" roared Dedede.
"It's the middle of the day."
"WHO DARES DISTURB WHATEVER I WAS JUST DOING?"
Dark Matter flew in and possessed Chuchu. "Ha!" it said. "Now I can take over the world!"
"Dark Matter," whispered Dedede. "I don't mean to alarm you, but you just possessed Chuchu."
"So?"
"Chuchu is a female octopus."
"Uh-huh."
"A female octopus."
"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Dark Matter, fleeing the scene. "I POSSESSED A FEMALE!"
Chuchu woke up and snuck discreetly out of the room via the room of Bells and Heavy Metal Instruments.
"Our afternoon meal is getting away!" roared Dedede. "Quick, stop her!"
"It's morning!" shouted Chuchu, buying herself time.
"It is? Funny, I could have sworn… wait! Get her!"
Millions of Waddle Dees made a dash for Chuchu, missed slightly, and fell into a giant pit. Chuchu climbed down the castle walls and left, passing Kirby on the way.
Kirby stormed into King Dedede's castle and went straight up to Dedede.
"Mr Penguin?" said Kirby.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
"Beakface?"
"Call me 'Mr. Penguin'."
"Could you help me kill this octopus?"
"I'd never do anything for yo-"
"It's a girl octopus," whispered Kirby quietly.
"A girl? I see," said Dedede, stroking his beak. "All right, I'll help you."
"Are we friends now?"
"NO!"
Kirby shrugged. "One day you're going to wake up and find that you really need a friend after all."
"I am?" said Dedede, surprised.
"Yes. You'll… you'll be sorry that you didn't make yourself a friend when you could have, and you'll forever try to make up for it, but you'll never be able to reclaim all that time you wasted trying to work out whether 'you'll' stands for 'you will' or 'you shall' when you could have been working out who your best friend was."
"But not right now?"
"Not right now."
"Well, I'll worry about that later," said the King. "Meanwhile, let's throw stones at female octopi!"
"Sounds good to me!"

Rick panted heavily. "I need a break."
"Shut up and keep digging," said Chuchu, poring over her… that's disgusting, isn't it? You know, the base word "pore" and and octopus featuring in the same sentence? Never mind.
"What the heck is the point of this exercise?" Rick put down the shovel and collapsed onto his back.
"If we dig trenches deep enough, we can… um… push Kirby in!"
"I see…" said Rick. "So that's why we're digging the trenches?"
"Right."
"And what exactly are all these mounted periscopic slingshots for?"
"That's need to know," said Chuchu, straightening her ribbon.
"I think I know what you're planning," said Rick. "But if you're going to do what I think you are, these small pebbles won't be enough. We need – Gordos!"
"You're joking," gasped Kine, who somehow was walking on land.
"It's hard enough getting a Gordo off your front lawn," said Chuchu. "How are we supposed to use them as weapons?"
"We threaten them," said Rick. "Tell them we'll destroy them if we don't help."
"And the Gordos are supposed to believe we can destroy them?"
"No, but if they think we're being that stupid, they'll help anyway."
"Good thinking," said Chuchu.
Kirby walked up to Rick. "Hi, Rick!" he said cheerily. "Listen, I'm trying to murder Chuchu. You see her, over there? Yeah, the one shouting at me. Well, I'm going to need your help. You're a- wait! Why are you helping Chuchu? Are you on her side? Well, I'll ha-"
Kirby was interrupted by Chuchu hitting him in the face, sending him flying off Pop Star.
"Thanks," said Rick. "I was worried I wouldn't be able to get away."
"No problem," said Chuchu.
"Now you've done it," said Kine. "If Kirby is flying through space, how are we supposed to kill him?"
Chuchu thought about that for a while. "Comic coincidence."
Kirby somehow landed back on Pop Star into a pit of Ticks. The evil kind.

Now, I'll just remind any people who haven't given up yet that Whispy Woods is to blame for all of this. Yes, that's right. Go to your gaming console of choice and beat him up a bit. Isn't that better, now?

A few hours later, in a peaceful part of Green Greens, a Waddle Dee was trying to draw another Waddle Dee. It may have been successful, but using air as a canvas has its drawbacks.
The infamous Gooey snuck up behind the Waddle-Dee-drawing Waddle Dee who was drawing a Waddle Dee who was being drawn by a Waddle Dee.
He drooled slightly at the thought of his next meal. "Mmm… drawn and depicted Waddle Dee…"
"HI GOOEY!" said Kirby. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY? ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THOSE TWO WADDLE DEES?"
"Be quiet!" hissed Gooey.
"Oops," said Kirby. "They're running away."
"No problem!" Gooey's tongue shot out towards the Waddle Dees.
They scampered up a hill and dived behind a tree, but the tongue followed them. The Waddle Dees ran towards the nearest pit of spikes available.
Kirby turned to Gooey, whose tongue seemed to be extending to the length of a Kirby-style sandwich (that is, very long).
"I need you to help me kill an evil octopus," he explained.
"The one that we're friends with?" wondered Gooey.
"Exactly."
"No problem! I'll just-" At that moment Gooey's tongue ran into a Nruff's back, causing him considerable pain.
"I'll just be leaving now," said Kirby, edging away.

Meanwhile, on Shiver Star, Ado was almost done painting a nasty, scary unconquerable machine that would take over the world. Luckily, she realised at the last moment that this action might have negative consequences. Hastily, she drew a big smiley face on the front of the machine.
"There," she sighed. "A nice, jolly, jovial, peaceful machine capable of taking over the universe after obliterating it and destroying every little creature in it." (That was deliberate irony.)

Back to Pop Star:
Coo awoke from his dazed stupor.
"Are you okay?" said Whispy Woods.
"Fine, fine," said Coo. "Incidentally, does it happen that you heard that joke I made earlier? About the possible double meaning of wise to result in antonymous descriptions? Ha ha ha! And I said, 'wise guy'? And that mea-"
Whispy hit Coo with a bough.
"Some people are better left unconscious," he sighed.