Charlie: Hello folks of the Final Fantasy Section. I haven't seen y'all ever since them bastards took down FF training camp . er… okay anyways. I got a funny idea for a fic at lunch today, and I figure I'd give it a shot to see how it goes.
Just a few things though, all the characters in FFX are gonna be given different names, but their roles are basically the same.
Tidus: Patric
Yuna: Yvonne
Wakka: Dennis
Lulu: Jessica
Rikku: Audrey
Auron: Chris
Kimahri: Charlie
Yes…they have the same roles and powers, but they actually have a sense of reality. So they think that the entire "journey" and all the cloisters of trials and puzzles are just retarded. This is a satirical work poking fun at RPGs and stuffs. So hope you guys have fun.
Patric walked through the ruins in the stranged new land. He wondered if it was all a sick dream that he could wake up from at any moment. As he moved into the center of the structure, a devastated room resembling a shrine welcomed him. Shivering at the freakishly cold temperature within the room, he moved towards the center.
"Wow…" He said as he arrived. "A conveniently placed campfire, without the fire. Oh joy, oh rapture. What the freaking heck am I supposed to do now!"
Looking around, for he was truly cold, he attempted to find something, anything that could get the fire started again. Looking ahead of him, he saw a bunch of flowers, but they were placed in a way so that the water had soaked them through…useless. So he turned and headed towards the many branches that lead away from the central chamber.
Arriving at one branch, he found some flint, perfectly shaped for starting a fire, placed in a wooden box, which was amazing still intact, while everything around it looked as if it were either smashed or fell a thousand feet.
Shrugging, Patric picked up the flint and continued his search. He moved in and out of corridors, searching for anything to use as fuel for the fire. It was only until he had gotten to the corridor on the exact opposite side of the flint did he find some dried flowers that were, interesting enough, just lying there, as if it was waiting for him to go get it.
After gathering both items, Patric returned to the center, and began work on the fireplace that just happened to be there in a perfect arrangement at the dead center of the dome with smoke still rising from a recently burning campfire. It seemed a bit too convenient to Patric.
But a while later, the warmth of the heat got to him and Patric fell into a deep slumber. Hours later, he woke up to find the fire going out on him.
"Oh great…" Patric thought out loud. "Ain't this just perfect? Now I gotta go find more wood…"
Just then, he heard a strange noise that sounded like metal rods clanging on a metal surface. As he looked up, he found the world's ugliest spider hanging from the roof.
"Holy shit, what the hell is THAT thing?" He yelled as the spider moved in a circle around him and jumped off to attack him.
Patric immediately pulled out his sword from, well, he didn't exactly know how it worked, but just that it just appeared when he needed to use it. Kinda creepy if he actually thought about it, but he didn't so it didn't bug him.
For the next few minutes, Patric and the spider continuously took turns hitting each other. To Patric, the entire practice seemed stupid. Hit, get hit, then hit again, wee! Oh yeah, he was having loads of fun.
Then just as he was feeling a bit overwhelmed, the entire section of the wall blew in and people dressed in really retarded wetsuits stormed in with what seemed like egg beaters stuck to a plastic children's toy. The shortest one of them stepped in next to Patric and got into a really retarded stance.
"Uhh, so who are you?" Patric asked the newcomer.
The newcomer looked at him, and decided to ignore him. Instead, she, or so Patric assumed because of her long blonde hair and accentuated…chest area, pulled out a grenade and proceeded to bomb the hell out of the spider. Patric watched the hideous beast get swallowed up by the flames and then nearly choked to see it still alive. But then after thinking about it a little, it made sense. After all, if it survived twenty or so blunt hits to the head with a really big sword, why would a little fire hurt it?
Well, after say thirty more minutes of mindless smacking back and forth, the spider just suddenly decided to die. Patric noted with surprise that a grenade suddenly popped out from the spider's carcass. Wondering how that was physically possible, he picked the explosive up and turned towards the freaky power rangers who had blasted their way in.
"Uhh…soo…who are you guys again?"
Someone spoke in a weirdish language and a few others began smacking him with their guns.
"Ow! Hey, quit it!"
The people were laughing now and pointing their guns at him. Then, the girl who had fought with him said something Patric assumed to be "stop." The men immediately pulled back their guns. Then the girl leaned in, close enough so that Patric could smell her hair.
"Whoa there… I just met you and I don't think it's appropriate to do this on a first date now…"
But before he knew it, the girl said another word that sounded like "Kunno" or "Cunno" or whatever the hell she pronounced it. Then she hit him hard in the sweet spot. Patric felt a sharp pain beyond anything he's known and then blacked out.
When Patric woke up again, he was on a deck of a really weird looking ship that was overloaded with search lights, most of which were pointed in completely random directions and was probably only useful for telling people that a bunch of idiots were out at sea. Patric hoped that the vessel he was on wasn't at war with anyone, because it stuck out like a sore thumb.
He was alone on the deck, but since the ship was moving somewhere with a speed faster than the current, he assumed someone was actually driving the thing. In time though, he became really hungry and nobody has shown up yet. He found it interesting that they didn't tie him up, and since this awkward piece of contraption had a ton machinery on deck, Patric considered destroying the better half of it and hoped that it would kill the bastards just as he starved to death.
But then he felt a shark kick to his head and found that girl from before with a tray of food. Abandoning all pretenses because he was really freaking hungry, Patric lunged for the tray and gulfed it down, even though he didn't have any utensils and the food looked like a bunch of stickers on a tray, that didn't even resemble anything. Presently, he found himself choking on the crud that he was wolfing down. So he grabbed the girl's canteen, much to her surprise.
After he finished drinking, he wiped his mouth and handed back the canteen. Then he looked at the girl.
"Okay, so who are you again? Oh wait, nevermind, you don't speak the language."
The girl rolled her eyes and said. "The name's Audrey you freaking prick."
Patric was taken by surprise at her response. "Wow, you actually understand and speak my language!"
The girl looked and sounded irritated at his response. "No shit Sherlock!"
"Hey!" Patric said, disgruntled. "You bust in, speak some funky code language, kick me in the crotch and starve me half to death. Am I supposed to assume you just KNOW the language? Or even HUMAN for that matter!"
Audrey went up and slapped Patric across the face. "How dare you talk to a lady like that!"
Patric rubbed his face and grumbled, but he just sat there. There was no point in talking to her anymore.
Audrey cleared her throat and continued. "Well, anyways…I talked those deadbeats in the back and they agreed to let you stay, as long as you work."
Patric rolled his eyes. "Oh whoop-de-freaking-doo, now I get to be slave labor instead of shark bait. Look how HAPPY I am."
"…We could always use you as shark bait if you prefer." Audrey said, not amused by his sarcasm.
Patric sighed. "Oh all right." He mumbled. "What fun job do I have to do?"
Charlie: I swear, if I was Tidus, I wouldn't be "Hello there, what is your name?" At the beginning. I'd be "WTF YOU B! WHY'D YOU DO THAT!"
Well, anyways, hope you get a few cheap laughs from this. I'll have the character list at the beginning of every chapter, so you won't get confused.
Well anyways, Review please and don't hesitate to have me change a few things if you want me to.