Sub-temporally Grounded
**Part 6**
* * *
Silence.
I remember almost nothing of the battle itself. Maybe that is for the best.
I remember attacking, pulling back, and attacking again, constantly trying to shield myself against Crayak's darkness as I struck. It went on and on. Maybe only minutes passed on Earth, but maybe it was hours, maybe days, maybe weeks, months. It was like nothing I'd ever been through on Earth. This was more intense; not a battle of who has the strongest jaws, or the fastest blades. This was a battle in dimensions, in time, in mind and soul. A test of willpower as well as strength.
Galaxies faded around us. Suns exploded, swallowing planets and civilizations and moons and comets even other suns in their flames. Black holes curled together and disappeared. Nothing remained. Not a single asteroid, not a single speck of space-dust, survived.
Can anyone understand the demolition? Two beings that fight each other, and the mere force of their attacks obliterate entire solar systems struck by the shockwaves. Can anyone understand the force of the attack itself, when the universe trembles around it and galaxies are ripped apart down to the very molecules, like card houses in a thunderstorm?
I am actually glad I repressed most of it. At that time, my mind was still the mind of a human girl. And that destruction… too vast for me to grasp. Too vast for me to understand, too much for me to mentally overcome having caused it.
What I remember clearly, though, is the immense silence, the salient emptiness, the big hole left in space, after it was over. It felt as if the universe itself was mourning the loss of Crayak; and at the same time a feeling of reprieve was everywhere. Life - what remained of it - drew a huge sigh of relief when Crayak no longer could weaken, cripple and destroy it.
I don't know what happened to Crayak. I honestly don't want to know. I have a feeling it wasn't very pleasant. But I knew he was gone, and wouldn't return. He wouldn't trouble me or anyone else - ever again. I would have said he was dead, but the term wasn't really correct.
I, myself, was alive. Or as much alive as I ever would be, considering that I was completely dead. The proper term would probably just be this: I existed.
I just existed. In my own way. In a way I cannot even begin to understand.
Jake, though, was alive. Properly alive. I'd seen to that. I had made sure his line was strong enough to handle on its own again, and gently placed it back in its place, with the lines of the other remaining Animorphs.
Somehow, that entire part of the universe was left unharmed after our battle. While huge parts were gone, millions of civilizations wiped out… humans, the Andalites, the Hork-Bajir, the Taxxons, and even the Yeerks still lived on, unaltered. I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be interfering in their battle; they were on their own. My interference could hurt as much as it helped.
I had pulled back to my familiar wolf shape, trying to rest. I didn't know pain; I didn't have a body to feel pain. But I knew I was hurt. I knew I was weakened. If someone or something had attacked me right then, struck with all their force, I would have shattered like a delicate porcelain vase dropped down a set of stairs.
I rested, waited, and thought. Dreamed.
I wished so much that I could draw a deep breath. I wished for lungs to fill with air. I wished for hands to close into fists. I wished for jaws to clench. I wished for arms, so I could clasp them around myself to try to ease my sobbing - I wished to be able to sob. I wished for a heart, so I could try to calm its beating. I wished for eyes, so I could close them to keep the tears in. I wished for tears.
But most of all I wished for a body, so that I could feel the pain.
I wanted to be alive. Fully alive. But I knew I couldn't have that. I could have anything in the universe, I could control anything and everything by a simple thought, I could curve space itself, I could stop time, but I could never again have that.
That was gone forever.
"I told you I needed to defeat Crayak," the Ellimist said quietly. "If I had told you what I had in mind…"
"I would have backed out," I said. "I know. And you knew, too."
"I did."
I sighed, space-time shuddering around me. "Let me be, Ellimist. Let me be."
He pulled back, and I focused briefly, using a small part of my will and strength to appear on Earth.
* * *
She appeared as who she had been. She had gathered her friends, the ones called the Animorphs, to say goodbye.
She came out from behind a tree wearing a wavering smile.
Jake's face went a deadly pale. Then anger flushed over it and his fists clenched.
"Crayak?" Rachel's eyes were narrowed.
The image of Cassie shook her head.
"Don't take that form," Jake snarled. "Don't you…"
"Jake, it's me," Cassie said. "Not Crayak."
He shook his head wildly, refusing to look at her. "Not that shape," he said, half begging, half growling. "Any shape but that."
She tried again, her voice soft. "Jake. It's Cassie."
"Cassie's dead!" he shrieked, as Marco put a hand on his arm. To calm him, or comfort him. "I saw it myself, she's dead! Oh… oh, god…" he wobbled, knees giving up their task of holding him up, and would have fallen if Marco hadn't caught him. "Dead," he sobbed. "Dead…"
This is not an amusing game, Crayak, Ax spat. His tail was cocked, as if that would ever have helped against anything as powerful as what they thought was Crayak. Prince Jake told us about what you did to Cassie.
Yeah, Tobias said, his hawk glare as sharp as ever. Leave us alone. Leave us to mourn without your pointless games.
"Go away, Crayak," Rachel said, dismissingly waving a hand and looking down at Jake with pity. Sympathy.
Cassie shook her head. "You don't get it," she said. "It's not Crayak. It's really me. It's… Cassie. I know I'm dead, but…"
Jake flew to his feet, shaking off Marco and glaring at Cassie with eyes burning with hate. "Don't try to fool us! You're not Cassie!"
The wavering smile on her face had been replaced by sadness and fear. Fear of not being recognized; fear of being rejected. "Jake, please…"
"Go away!" Rachel snapped.
"I can prove it," she offered.
How? Tobias asked. There's nothing you can do. Nothing that'll convince us.
"I can morph," she offered, grabbing the first thing that came to mind, focusing - as she had so many times before - on the wolf. Becoming the wolf. See?
Five sets of main eyes and one set of stalk-eyes stared at her.
What? she wondered.
"That wasn't morphing," Marco said, a taunting grin spreading across his face. "Fooled yourself, you red-eyed pack of garbage. You didn't morph the wolf. You just… became the wolf. Yeah, we're convinced alright. We're convinced we were right about you."
She melted back to the form of the girl she had been. They were right; it was not even similar to morphing.
"Where did you hide the Drode's ugly prune face?" Rachel asked.
Show us another trick, Crayak, Tobias said. Show us how to kick your butt.
"Please…" she begged, tears seeping up into her eyes that were not really eyes.
Don't expect any sympathy from us, Crayak, Ax said coldly. You deserve none after what you've done.
She looked from one to the other, and back again. "Crayak's gone," she said. "I'm… I'm an anomaly, and… Crayak's gone. He'll never trouble you again."
Rachel huffed, arms crossed. "You're still saying you're not him? Try something new."
"You really think we wouldn't recognize Cassie if we saw her?" Marco snapped. "You aren't worthy of even thinking about impersonating her. She hasn't done anything to deserve that. She's too innocent to deserve you coming and pretending to be her. Let her rest in peace!"
"But… I am Cassie…"
"You're not Cassie!" Jake leaped forwards, face mad, eyes red, and hands outstretched like claws, grabbing wildly for her throat.
With a sob she disappeared before those hands reached her.
Jake landed on the ground, face and arms first, and slid forwards over the dirt from the momentum, scraping knees and elbows and face and everything in between. His fingers grabbed at the ground and he threw his head back and screamed; "NOT CASSIE!"
* * *
The words haunted me; "Not Cassie!"
I returned to my new shape - or more properly my lack of such - and again wished I was able to weep. Knowing that was impossible, I wished I had a heart to cry in. Because cry I did; in my mind. Which was all that was left of me.
"Not Cassie!"
The words still tear at me when I remember them. But they made me strong; they built me up to what I later became.
I never looked for the Animorphs again. By the time I again opened my mind to the universe, there was no trace of Yeerks, Andalites or humans. New species had sprung up in their places, new wars were being fought, lost, and won.
I didn't bother to find out what had happened in the final phases of my own war. Or who won. It mattered so much, I hoped that the Animorphs and Earth and Andalites had won, but finding out - whatever had happened - would tear up wounds that I preferred to forget. Especially if my friends had lost their battle, because I was sure I could find some way to blame myself for it.
And if they had lost, I would be tempted to interfere. And mixing with time might mess things up in ways I couldn't foresee, or prevent. I needed to become a lot wiser before I began tampering with time and space and events.
I was at least wise enough to realise that.
Sometime later, I have no idea how long had passed, the Ellimist decided to announce what he had been holding in. He had been nearby all the time, but had left me alone - as I had asked him to.
"Crayak once told you that you needed to take over," he said softly. He was keeping a respectful distance, very careful as not to seem hostile. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was afraid. But no; the Ellimist wasn't afraid. Maybe cautious, but not afraid.
I knew. Because I wasn't afraid. Simply couldn't be. I could, but… it wasn't the type of panicking fear you feel when you are alive. It is a cold, calculating fear, perhaps like the fear a cat or tiger would feel. A cocky, confident, but-perhaps-I-better-be-careful feeling. More of a warning tingle in the back of your neck than real fear.
He continued. "I will leave now."
"I know," I replied.
A flicker of a smile. "Of course you do."
"Where will you go?" I asked, more to be nice than out of any real interest. I was back as wolf, just to have some sort of comfort in having a shape. Or a shadow of one. Wolves were another creature that was gone; just as humans.
"Who knows?" smiled the bluish old man who was not really an old man at all. He held that guise when he spoke to me, maybe to make me feel better. "Another place. Another galaxy. Another reality."
I nodded my wolf head. "This place is mine now."
"Yes. It is."
"It belongs to me. I guard it; I keep it safe. I control it."
"Yes. You do."
"Go away, Ellimist, because this is where our paths part. This is where you leave. This is where I begin my…" a short hesitation; saying the word would be accepting what had happened, what was happening, and what would happen.
But there was no use in denying it any further. There was no use holding back what was inevitable; the tide would reach the shore, whether I tried to stop it or not. "This is where I begin my new existence."
He nodded, again, this time fading away from his guise and back to the curves of space-time and twists of dimensions and time that he really was. Very similar to those that I really was.
"Yes," he agreed. "It is time, Anomaly."
And that's when the being who once, during what seemed like and very well could be a millennia ago, had been a human girl called Cassie, finally realized who she really was.
And not long, or many millennia, after that the most advanced species in her part of the universe shuddered with superstition and wonder and even fear when they heard someone mention the mysterious, all-powerful Anomalies.
* * *
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Author's Note;
Finished. *sigh*. Sad ending, huh? Lonely. Poor Cassie.
*Oh, just great. Great. Now I'm feeling sorry for my characters. I'm getting sentimental. I can't get sentimental! I still got a few nasty cliffhanger/hehe-they're-in-trouble-again idead up my sleeve!*
Just review this one, okay? You've read the story, I put if up for you to read, just this small favour in return... how hard can it be? Tell me how the ending could have been happy. Or happier, at least.
**Part 6**
* * *
Silence.
I remember almost nothing of the battle itself. Maybe that is for the best.
I remember attacking, pulling back, and attacking again, constantly trying to shield myself against Crayak's darkness as I struck. It went on and on. Maybe only minutes passed on Earth, but maybe it was hours, maybe days, maybe weeks, months. It was like nothing I'd ever been through on Earth. This was more intense; not a battle of who has the strongest jaws, or the fastest blades. This was a battle in dimensions, in time, in mind and soul. A test of willpower as well as strength.
Galaxies faded around us. Suns exploded, swallowing planets and civilizations and moons and comets even other suns in their flames. Black holes curled together and disappeared. Nothing remained. Not a single asteroid, not a single speck of space-dust, survived.
Can anyone understand the demolition? Two beings that fight each other, and the mere force of their attacks obliterate entire solar systems struck by the shockwaves. Can anyone understand the force of the attack itself, when the universe trembles around it and galaxies are ripped apart down to the very molecules, like card houses in a thunderstorm?
I am actually glad I repressed most of it. At that time, my mind was still the mind of a human girl. And that destruction… too vast for me to grasp. Too vast for me to understand, too much for me to mentally overcome having caused it.
What I remember clearly, though, is the immense silence, the salient emptiness, the big hole left in space, after it was over. It felt as if the universe itself was mourning the loss of Crayak; and at the same time a feeling of reprieve was everywhere. Life - what remained of it - drew a huge sigh of relief when Crayak no longer could weaken, cripple and destroy it.
I don't know what happened to Crayak. I honestly don't want to know. I have a feeling it wasn't very pleasant. But I knew he was gone, and wouldn't return. He wouldn't trouble me or anyone else - ever again. I would have said he was dead, but the term wasn't really correct.
I, myself, was alive. Or as much alive as I ever would be, considering that I was completely dead. The proper term would probably just be this: I existed.
I just existed. In my own way. In a way I cannot even begin to understand.
Jake, though, was alive. Properly alive. I'd seen to that. I had made sure his line was strong enough to handle on its own again, and gently placed it back in its place, with the lines of the other remaining Animorphs.
Somehow, that entire part of the universe was left unharmed after our battle. While huge parts were gone, millions of civilizations wiped out… humans, the Andalites, the Hork-Bajir, the Taxxons, and even the Yeerks still lived on, unaltered. I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be interfering in their battle; they were on their own. My interference could hurt as much as it helped.
I had pulled back to my familiar wolf shape, trying to rest. I didn't know pain; I didn't have a body to feel pain. But I knew I was hurt. I knew I was weakened. If someone or something had attacked me right then, struck with all their force, I would have shattered like a delicate porcelain vase dropped down a set of stairs.
I rested, waited, and thought. Dreamed.
I wished so much that I could draw a deep breath. I wished for lungs to fill with air. I wished for hands to close into fists. I wished for jaws to clench. I wished for arms, so I could clasp them around myself to try to ease my sobbing - I wished to be able to sob. I wished for a heart, so I could try to calm its beating. I wished for eyes, so I could close them to keep the tears in. I wished for tears.
But most of all I wished for a body, so that I could feel the pain.
I wanted to be alive. Fully alive. But I knew I couldn't have that. I could have anything in the universe, I could control anything and everything by a simple thought, I could curve space itself, I could stop time, but I could never again have that.
That was gone forever.
"I told you I needed to defeat Crayak," the Ellimist said quietly. "If I had told you what I had in mind…"
"I would have backed out," I said. "I know. And you knew, too."
"I did."
I sighed, space-time shuddering around me. "Let me be, Ellimist. Let me be."
He pulled back, and I focused briefly, using a small part of my will and strength to appear on Earth.
* * *
She appeared as who she had been. She had gathered her friends, the ones called the Animorphs, to say goodbye.
She came out from behind a tree wearing a wavering smile.
Jake's face went a deadly pale. Then anger flushed over it and his fists clenched.
"Crayak?" Rachel's eyes were narrowed.
The image of Cassie shook her head.
"Don't take that form," Jake snarled. "Don't you…"
"Jake, it's me," Cassie said. "Not Crayak."
He shook his head wildly, refusing to look at her. "Not that shape," he said, half begging, half growling. "Any shape but that."
She tried again, her voice soft. "Jake. It's Cassie."
"Cassie's dead!" he shrieked, as Marco put a hand on his arm. To calm him, or comfort him. "I saw it myself, she's dead! Oh… oh, god…" he wobbled, knees giving up their task of holding him up, and would have fallen if Marco hadn't caught him. "Dead," he sobbed. "Dead…"
This is not an amusing game, Crayak, Ax spat. His tail was cocked, as if that would ever have helped against anything as powerful as what they thought was Crayak. Prince Jake told us about what you did to Cassie.
Yeah, Tobias said, his hawk glare as sharp as ever. Leave us alone. Leave us to mourn without your pointless games.
"Go away, Crayak," Rachel said, dismissingly waving a hand and looking down at Jake with pity. Sympathy.
Cassie shook her head. "You don't get it," she said. "It's not Crayak. It's really me. It's… Cassie. I know I'm dead, but…"
Jake flew to his feet, shaking off Marco and glaring at Cassie with eyes burning with hate. "Don't try to fool us! You're not Cassie!"
The wavering smile on her face had been replaced by sadness and fear. Fear of not being recognized; fear of being rejected. "Jake, please…"
"Go away!" Rachel snapped.
"I can prove it," she offered.
How? Tobias asked. There's nothing you can do. Nothing that'll convince us.
"I can morph," she offered, grabbing the first thing that came to mind, focusing - as she had so many times before - on the wolf. Becoming the wolf. See?
Five sets of main eyes and one set of stalk-eyes stared at her.
What? she wondered.
"That wasn't morphing," Marco said, a taunting grin spreading across his face. "Fooled yourself, you red-eyed pack of garbage. You didn't morph the wolf. You just… became the wolf. Yeah, we're convinced alright. We're convinced we were right about you."
She melted back to the form of the girl she had been. They were right; it was not even similar to morphing.
"Where did you hide the Drode's ugly prune face?" Rachel asked.
Show us another trick, Crayak, Tobias said. Show us how to kick your butt.
"Please…" she begged, tears seeping up into her eyes that were not really eyes.
Don't expect any sympathy from us, Crayak, Ax said coldly. You deserve none after what you've done.
She looked from one to the other, and back again. "Crayak's gone," she said. "I'm… I'm an anomaly, and… Crayak's gone. He'll never trouble you again."
Rachel huffed, arms crossed. "You're still saying you're not him? Try something new."
"You really think we wouldn't recognize Cassie if we saw her?" Marco snapped. "You aren't worthy of even thinking about impersonating her. She hasn't done anything to deserve that. She's too innocent to deserve you coming and pretending to be her. Let her rest in peace!"
"But… I am Cassie…"
"You're not Cassie!" Jake leaped forwards, face mad, eyes red, and hands outstretched like claws, grabbing wildly for her throat.
With a sob she disappeared before those hands reached her.
Jake landed on the ground, face and arms first, and slid forwards over the dirt from the momentum, scraping knees and elbows and face and everything in between. His fingers grabbed at the ground and he threw his head back and screamed; "NOT CASSIE!"
* * *
The words haunted me; "Not Cassie!"
I returned to my new shape - or more properly my lack of such - and again wished I was able to weep. Knowing that was impossible, I wished I had a heart to cry in. Because cry I did; in my mind. Which was all that was left of me.
"Not Cassie!"
The words still tear at me when I remember them. But they made me strong; they built me up to what I later became.
I never looked for the Animorphs again. By the time I again opened my mind to the universe, there was no trace of Yeerks, Andalites or humans. New species had sprung up in their places, new wars were being fought, lost, and won.
I didn't bother to find out what had happened in the final phases of my own war. Or who won. It mattered so much, I hoped that the Animorphs and Earth and Andalites had won, but finding out - whatever had happened - would tear up wounds that I preferred to forget. Especially if my friends had lost their battle, because I was sure I could find some way to blame myself for it.
And if they had lost, I would be tempted to interfere. And mixing with time might mess things up in ways I couldn't foresee, or prevent. I needed to become a lot wiser before I began tampering with time and space and events.
I was at least wise enough to realise that.
Sometime later, I have no idea how long had passed, the Ellimist decided to announce what he had been holding in. He had been nearby all the time, but had left me alone - as I had asked him to.
"Crayak once told you that you needed to take over," he said softly. He was keeping a respectful distance, very careful as not to seem hostile. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was afraid. But no; the Ellimist wasn't afraid. Maybe cautious, but not afraid.
I knew. Because I wasn't afraid. Simply couldn't be. I could, but… it wasn't the type of panicking fear you feel when you are alive. It is a cold, calculating fear, perhaps like the fear a cat or tiger would feel. A cocky, confident, but-perhaps-I-better-be-careful feeling. More of a warning tingle in the back of your neck than real fear.
He continued. "I will leave now."
"I know," I replied.
A flicker of a smile. "Of course you do."
"Where will you go?" I asked, more to be nice than out of any real interest. I was back as wolf, just to have some sort of comfort in having a shape. Or a shadow of one. Wolves were another creature that was gone; just as humans.
"Who knows?" smiled the bluish old man who was not really an old man at all. He held that guise when he spoke to me, maybe to make me feel better. "Another place. Another galaxy. Another reality."
I nodded my wolf head. "This place is mine now."
"Yes. It is."
"It belongs to me. I guard it; I keep it safe. I control it."
"Yes. You do."
"Go away, Ellimist, because this is where our paths part. This is where you leave. This is where I begin my…" a short hesitation; saying the word would be accepting what had happened, what was happening, and what would happen.
But there was no use in denying it any further. There was no use holding back what was inevitable; the tide would reach the shore, whether I tried to stop it or not. "This is where I begin my new existence."
He nodded, again, this time fading away from his guise and back to the curves of space-time and twists of dimensions and time that he really was. Very similar to those that I really was.
"Yes," he agreed. "It is time, Anomaly."
And that's when the being who once, during what seemed like and very well could be a millennia ago, had been a human girl called Cassie, finally realized who she really was.
And not long, or many millennia, after that the most advanced species in her part of the universe shuddered with superstition and wonder and even fear when they heard someone mention the mysterious, all-powerful Anomalies.
* * *
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Author's Note;
Finished. *sigh*. Sad ending, huh? Lonely. Poor Cassie.
*Oh, just great. Great. Now I'm feeling sorry for my characters. I'm getting sentimental. I can't get sentimental! I still got a few nasty cliffhanger/hehe-they're-in-trouble-again idead up my sleeve!*
Just review this one, okay? You've read the story, I put if up for you to read, just this small favour in return... how hard can it be? Tell me how the ending could have been happy. Or happier, at least.