CHAPTER 1 RUTHIE

Why is this happening to me? He's supposed to be like my brother, I can't have feelings for him. They've been lingering there for a while. He moved in almost a year ago and these "feelings", or whatever you want to call them, have been there almost as long. I try to remind myself that it's just a crush; nothing will ever come of it. But then I see him coming down the stairs holding the twins hands and my heart just melts. The way he says my name reaches to the very depth of my soul. "Ruthie… Ruthie? Are you listening?"

"Sorry Mr. Graham, I spaced off there for a second. But I'm back now."

"So glad to have you join us, will you please pay attention? Adam, what did you think of the rhetoric used by Shakespeare in Much Ado about Nothing?"

Whew, that was a close one. I'm just glad that no one in my family was here to see that. Especially Martin, there I go again. Why is it everything I think about ends up coming back to him? Well, there's the bell, at last this class is over. I hope I see Martin in the hall. No, no I don't, if I see him, then I'll get that giggly girl feeling in the back of my throat and he'll know something is up.

There he is, talking to Zoe… why is he still friends with her? "Hi Ruthie." Uhhh, he said hi, what do I do? Why is this so hard, I know what comes next, I say hi back. I open my mouth, but words don't come out.

"Hhhh…. uhhhh… ummmm… hi." He just kind of looks at me with a confused face. Ugh, I don't deserve for a boy to like me, I am a total putz. Why couldn't I just say 'Hi Martin, how is school going today?' or 'Hey Martin, that shirt looks really nice on you?' But no, I had to blather on with sounds, they weren't even words.

"Is everything, okay?"

"Umm, yeah, everything is fine. I'm just really very thirsty. I have to go, I'll see you later Martin." There, not graceful but at least it was a complete sentence, with words. I hurry down the hall and slip into the Ladies' Room, I just about blew it. I can withhold my feelings for a while, I can act normal. We'll continue being friends; we'll talk, and if in the meantime we happen to get really close… so be it.

The last class of the day is finally over. Mom or Dad can't pick me up today, so I guess I'll just have to go watch Martin at baseball practice. What a shame, I have to watch Martin for two hours and then I get to ride home with him.

As I sit there I wonder if Martin thinks I still like Mac, because as I stare at him, Mac stares at him and then at me. But, if Mac thinks I like him, it's not that big of a deal because I don't like him anymore. Not the way I like Martin.

He is so good at baseball, he plays shortstop and not one ball is getting past him. I'll bet he makes it to the big leagues. Wouldn't that be something? Practice is getting over and I see him coming toward me, whew, just play it cool. I can do this. I can be friends with him and not let him know how much I truly like him. "You ready to go?" Then I hear his out of breath voice and see his sweaty face, and I don't know if I can keep this a secret. He is just so cute.

"Yeah, let's go." There, that came out just fine. I can do this. We walk toward his car and he makes small talk about things like school and homework. I make it through gracefully, if I do say so myself. Finally we are pulling into the driveway, and I can go up to my room and think about Martin without worrying about getting caught. That's a relief.

As I'm sitting in my room I here a song on the radio that makes me think about my little situation, Redundant by Green Day.

Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice,

I 'm speechless and redundant 'cause I love you's not enough,

I'm lost for words

How do songs do that anyway, they have a song for exactly what you're feeling at the time. My music must be too loud because Lucy comes upstairs to tell me to turn it down. "I've been calling you for like five minutes… what's up?"

"Nothing… I was just thinking. Was there ever a boy that you liked so much it consumed you, but you knew that nothing would come of it? 'Cause there is this guy that I really like, but I can't tell him. He'd never like me back, and I'm friends with him. I don't want things to get weird."

"Ruthie… I'm going to tell you what Mom told me when I was your age and this exact thing was happening to me, 'Is it better to be safe and have him as a friend, or is he worth the risk? You never know, he might be "the one."' So Ruth, is he worth it?"

"I don't know. This is the first time I've ever felt like this; I didn't even like Peter this much. How do I know? I don't want to mess things up, because I have these silly feelings for him. He's everything I never knew I always wanted."

"I guess my only advice then is to pray. God will help you make the right decision. Because even if things don't work out between you and this guy, if it's what He told you to do, then it was the right decision. Do you want to tell me who it is?"

"Um, not right now, I might eventually. But I'm going to keep it quiet for now."

"Okay, but if you ever want to talk… I'm here for you."

"Thanks Luce."

As Lucy leaves my room she says, "Oh, hey Martin, if you need to talk to Ruthie we're done talking now." Oh my god, he heard, he knows everything. Thank goodness I didn't tell Lucy it was him. Play it cool, act totally normal.

"Yeah Martin, you can come on in."

"I was just thinking… do you want to hang out with Mac and me. We're going to the Promenade for pizza."

"Sure, let me ask Mom if it's okay. Mom! Can I go to the Promenade with Martin!"

"Sure Honey, don't be back too late. Do you have homework? Because if you do I want it done before you go."

"Already finished it, thanks. We'll be back soon."

"Hey Martin, I have a couple of things to do before we go, I'll meet you downstairs in ten minutes."

"Fine, I'll be waiting in the living room." Yes, yes, yes! I'm so excited. I want to look nice, but not to nice he might suspect something if I do. Promptly ten minutes later I'm stepping on the last stair and I tell him I'm ready to go.

While we're walking to the car I remember that he said we're meeting Mac there. "By the way, you didn't say anything to Mac did you? He was looking at me funny today."

"I might have let it slip that you had a crush on him. Do you still have a crush on him?"

"No, and there's no need pretending like you didn't hear me talking to Lucy. I like… this other guy." I guess I must have had a goofy gushy face when I said that because he replied, 'It's that serious huh, who is he?' "Uh, no one important, I'd really rather not talk about it. I think he's seeing someone, plus he's your age."

"My age? Ruthie now you have to tell me, this will be bothering me for weeks. Plus, that was not a 'no big deal face' that was a 'this is true love' face."

"Well, you'll just have to tough it, 'cause I'm not saying anything. You won't get a word out of me." We pull into a parking spot near the pizza place. As we near the seating area we spot Mac. "Look there's Mac, let's go talk to him." I've found a way out of telling him for now, but the ride home will be a killer.

"Hey guys, I already grabbed a table. It's over there." It's a lot chillier than I thought it was, I'm shivering. This is not good.

"Looks great, but can we maybe eat inside, I'm really cold." Martin hands me his jacket and tells me 'that it's such a nice night; it'd be a shame to be inside.' Well, I can't argue with that. Especially with Martin's warm jacket snuggled around me. I can still smell his cologne; I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I then quickly open my eyes looking around, and being so thankful that Martin was looking at Mac. "Okay, that's fine with me. Thanks for your jacket."

"Yeah, don't even worry about it." But it's all I can think about, most guys wouldn't even think about handing me their jacket. Most would just say something to the effect of 'you should have worn something warmer.' But not Martin, he's a true gentleman. He even held open the door for me when we were going to get our pizza.

I realize I've been spacing for a couple of minutes so when I finally start listening again, I'm distraught to hear Mac asking Martin, "Man did you see that girl in Pre-calc today? I think her name is Marcy, she was looking mighty fine." I don't want Martin thinking that way. I like him; I don't want him thinking other girls are pretty.

So before he can reply I say, "Can we talk about something other than girls? I don't talk to you about what guys are looking good."

"What's with her?" Mac just doesn't get it.

"She likes a new guy. He's in our grade, but she won't tell me who he is."

"Martin, why did you tell him that? I'm not even going to tell you who it is, why do you think I'll tell Mac?

"Well thanks Ruthie that makes me feel really special. Maybe if we both bug her enough, she'll break."

"That was my plan." Why are they doing this to me? I can't tell them. When and if I tell Martin, I most certainly don't want Mac to be there!

"It's not gonna work guys, my mind is a steel trap. I won't let even a letter slip. I'll tell you when I'm ready for you to know. Now, unless you two stop harassing me, I'm going to walk home." This turned out to be a great night. As I'm getting up Martin touches my arm, "We'll stop, for now. But sooner or later you're going to have to tell me." I sit back down, so thankful for the momentary silence.

The rest of the evening goes by and there's not much to tell. We ate, we laughed, and we left. Now I'm sitting in my room dreaming about how great Martin would look holding my hand as we lay under the stars. That's the last though I have before I drift off to sleep.

To be continued…

Author's Notes:

Redundant by Green Day

Chapter 2 should be up in a couple of days