Dear Dairy…..

Do you ever have one of those days when breathing seams to be a chore?

There's a weight on your chest, it's heavy and you know it shouldn't be there, but you have no idea what is causing it to be there.

Today has been one of those days.

Nothing seamed to fit right from the start.

I should have known today was going to be a bad day from the moment my feet hit the floor.

There was just something in the air.

A dark cloud hanging over me.

I should have gone back to bed straight away, pulled the covers up over my head and let myself sleep this off.

Life's a complicated thing.

Has any one ever defined the meaning of the world life?

I don't mean the definition, not like in the dictionary.

I mean a universal meaning of life.

Should life always be a struggle?

Shouldn't good things happen in life?

Why are there days like today?

Steeping out of my house today and into the so called real world where real life takes

place, I was aware of some thing different in the air.

None of the intents we help save no the true horror of this world

Life has been a constant battle.

People always tell you it'll get easier.

To give yourself time.

But how much time do we really have?

Who knows when your number is going to up?

If life is a chore to live, should we continue to work at it?

My life is too complicated for words, even for me to explain to myself, let alone any one else, Prue, Phoebe a new guy I might happen to cross paths with.

Can I ever expect anyone to understand this?

To understand me?

I don't even understand me.

I don't know if I ever will.

All I've ever wanted is a normal life, a job, and friends, someone to come home to in the evenings.

Jeremy to come home to in the evenings.

I don't want to be a witch.

I don't want all these extra reasonability's.

I never asked for them.

Ignorance is bliss.

I whish I was still ignorant.

Ignorant of this, who we are, a life that is not charmed.

A life where I could live my dreams to the full and not have to worry about saving the world day and night.

If only this wasn't my life.

If only I was watching this on some big screen in the cinema.

A film I never wanted to see but Phoebs deranged me along to any way.

Is this ever going to end?

What if?

That's the one question I keep asking my self.

What if?

What if we'd never received our powers?

I could be happy.

I'd be with Jeremy, planning our wedding, a future together.

What if?

What if that were true?

What would my future hold?

What would our future hold?

I wonder silly little things like, would me and his mother still get on?

Phoebe's always been convinced in laws are from hell.

Would we have kids?

Boys?

Girls?

What would we call them?

Would the great honeymoon debate ever have been ended?

Or would it just have lasted forever?

Until we were old and grey and in a care home together.

Where would we have gone?

What would Jeremy be doing?

Still working for the newspaper?

Would he be one of these husbands who bring their work home or one who prefers to keep the office in the office?

What would I be doing?

He made me feel like I could do any thing, be any thing I wanted.

What dreams would I have achieved?

Is it weird that every morning when I wake up next to him?

I'm whishing that this whole witch business has been a horrible dream and it's all going to be back to the way it was before, me waiting for Phoebe to come home from New York.

It all started with me bringing her back.

Is this the universes way of telling me I shouldn't have interfered?

Because if it is it's seriously screwed up.

I want to know where we'd be living.

What our house would be like.

Would we still be in San Francisco?

What would we have inside the house?

How many arguments would we have had over colour schemes and old pieces of Grams' fruiter?

Would Prue have murdered Jeremy for saying something a little out of line like she always told him she would?

What would have happened to us as sisters?

Is this weight on my chest this question?

What if?

I can't help but wonder.

What if?

What if?

What if …