Author's Note: Months of hard journey has made it difficult for me to update until now. I would like to say hi from the bottom of my warm and cheesy heart. Unfortunately I am a bit more melted now than I was before, because of the heat in a certain Mount Doom, but that segment of the story comes quite a bit later. So I am a quite warm hunk of cheese now. A certain hobbit called Diamond called me a hot hunk the other day. Yes! pumps fist… remembers hunks of cheese have no fists… cries

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. Or anything, really… Suing me would be really mean and when people are really mean to me I usually spend a very long time weeping, which is very sad, because warm hunks of cheese cry only when their souls hurt and YES cheese has a soul… remember that next time you eat cheese…

Well, the excitement of my adventure quickly wore off. I had a very unpleasant surprise when I discovered that rubbing up against Frodo's velvet vest, something that used to be very nice, left parts of me on the material. I shivered a little and in shivering accidentally poked myself on the hard piece of bread, which broke off a lonely corner of me. This was a good thing and a bad thing. The corner that was broken off was the one that was most crusty. However, it is never pleasant to lose a piece of yourself.

Imagine losing a toe. Imagine having it stabbed off by hard bread.

I also made a very disturbing discovery that not many people know, because it is a very hushed up thing. Frodo always carries around tiny baby kangaroos in his bags. They don't even have fur. I was just making friends with one when he scooped it out and ate it. I caught a glance of its scared baby eyes just before it was popped into Frodo's all consuming mouth.

Oh, how I wept.

Sam was a bit of a refuge for me. He was very nice to me and in fact would pet me a lot. He always told me, "Frodo has his Precious, you can be mine." He never ate me and did not understand that warm hunks of cheese do not eat and would always try to slip me a bit of food.

Sam is a very nice fellow. Nice, but not smart. For instance, after a very long while in a field (Sam had made me a tiny window in Frodo's sack so I could peer out now and then) we got to a certain point where Sam declared he had never been further from home. How ludicrous. I knew for a fact he had been to Mount Doom to make a deal with an orc for a rare baseball card. Silly, silly Sam. Like you wouldn't remember selling one-eighty-fifth of your soul for a baseball card. But that's Sam, little brain, but good hobbit.

It was soon after this point when Frodo was suddenly knocked over by a quickly moving figure. I shrieked in surprise and so did one of the baby kangaroos, but that did not stop Frodo from landing on me. Never listen to Frodo when he tells you what he weighs. He is heavy. No denying it.

I was smashed but fortunately one of Frodo's pairs of underwear cushioned my landing. I call this fortunate but am not sure if it actually is, since he is notorious for using this article of clothing as Kleenex. It smelled clean, though, so I was grateful for its support. I was a bit worried when it started cuddling with me, but stranger things have happened than a hunk of warm cheese that has lost its crusty corner snuggling with a clean pair of underwear while being squished by a hobbit.

Excuse me, I just sneezed. Some dust from the mantel is still on me. I do not have a nose and do not know how I sneeze. I do, though.

Let us continue the story.

Frodo finally remembered that there were things in his bag he was crushing and in a rare nice moment got up and whispered sorry, but also took the opportunity to eat another baby kangaroo. When he was up I saw that the hobbits that had caused the distraction were Merry and Pippin.

Let me tell you about Merry and Pippin. I like them a lot. Pippin is especially nice. He has told me he actually knows how it feels to be a hunk of warm cheese and spent an entire day pretending to be one with me. He told me he appreciates me like no one else and wrapped in my warm cheesy body a tiny bit of chocolate. It was very pleasant. Merry is also a good hobbit. He has told me that his large noise has actually made him feel that there is a flesh colored hunk of warm cheese always living on his face. I felt so bad for him. I mean, being a hunk of warm cheese has its own trials and tribulations, but to be a hobbit with a flesh colored hunk of warm cheese always on your face would be much harder in my opinion. As we all know, cheese should not be flesh colored. So please, for your own health, if you have some flesh colored cheese in your refrigerator or on your counter, set it gently in the garden and let it free.

Well as usual they were stealing vegetables from the garden. I have no objection. If they are eating vegetables they are not eating me.

I guess they heard something because they took off at a very fast rate. I was enjoying the rush of wind through my hair. (Well, I admit I don't have hair. But I had accidentally rubbed against Frodo's hairbrush at one point and his hair had sort of stuck to me. So I felt the rush of wind through the strands of hair stuck in my body.)

Then the fun ended.

They tumbled off the end of a cliff and down down down.

Oh how it hurt.

Then I heard someone yell "MUSHROOMS!" and I knew it was all ok. Not all of you may know but the word mushrooms is actually a secret code word for "no danger, all clear, let us dance, invite the whale."

Obviously if you do not know the whale this does not make much sense.

Everyone was pretty happy that all was clear and they could dance and invite the whale. They began making the inaudible whale call but unfortunately Frodo interrupted by screaming "GET OFF THE ROAD!"

He rudely got everyone off.

I was face to face with a caterpillar.

I heard a Ringwraith but didn't care. The caterpillar stuck out its tongue and left.

I cry.