kelley28: Thanks very much!
Aki-No-Good: I hope you enjoy this chapter even more!
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Chapter Six: New Regime
At the first meeting of the new government the following morning, there was some animated discussion about who should take which job.
"You stupid old moron!" screamed May, throwing a penknife at Jack, who quickly dived beneath the chair. The weapon jammed itself three inches into a portrait of George Washington.
"W-well, May," protested Jack, rising very slightly up to reiterate his point, "I don't think it's advisable to put you in charge of the armed forces just yet. You've got to admit, you have a teeny bit of an anger problem."
"ANGER PROBLEM!?" roared the eight-year-old, jumping up onto the table and screaming at her boss, "I DO NOT HAVE A GODDAMN ANGER PROBLEM!"
Cliff whimpered silently in his seat at the opposite end of the table, fearing for his own safety. His fight with Kano the previous night was still fresh in his mind and he did not want to get cut up again. He squealed and jumped out of his seat when a large, wet object inserted itself into his ear.
"M-May," stuttered Jack, hiding under his chair, "Even if I w-wanted to give you command of the army-"
"What do you mean IF!?" yelled May.
"I-I mean," continued Jack, "I do want to give you command of the army, it's just that we don't really have a suitable one ready yet."
Ozzie was not particularly perturbed by an eight-year-old having a homicidal outburst, but he did flinch slightly when something began chewing on his turban.
"And another thing!" added May, calming down slightly, "What's with all these bloody camels in here?"
"Cavalry," replied Jack promptly, getting back into his seat. A nearby camel farted loudly.
"Cavalry!?" repeated May, shocked, "Where are horses!?"
"Camels are just like horses," interjected Ozzie, pulling his shredded turban out of the hungry camel's mouth, "Apart from the fact that they spit, leave their, er, refuse everywhere, are bad-tempered and bite people savagely."
"The Mayor was breeding them," added Jack, "So we took advantage of that. I thought you'd like such nasty creatures."
"Yeah May," teased Cliff foolishly, "No need to get the hump." He quickly ducked as a meat clever smashed through his chair and embedded itself in the wall. The camel leaned down and began licking his face again.
"Okay, okay," sighed Jack, getting up, "I'll make you Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces of the Great and Glorious People's Republic of Mineral Island."
"Navy too," replied the new commander ungratefully.
"May!" exclaimed Jack in frustration, "We don't have a navy!"
He jumped for dear life as a machete aimed for his crotch sailed underneath and slammed into the wall, cracking it.
"Find one," was the curt reply.
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"So," said Jack, "What is it that you do?"
"I grow sorghum," came the Deep South drawl of the farmer, complete with stick of wheat in his mouth.
"Well done," said Jack very patronisingly, as though talking to a three-year-old. He was trying to "connect with the people". Continuing his very slow, very loud talking, he asked, "Do you know where I can find boats, lots of them?"
"Well," ruminated the farmer, chewing on his wheat, "I think there be them swan-boat things that the young 'uns make out in. They be down by the cove."
Swan boats? Jack began to remember about the famous swan boats, from all those years ago…
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Many Years Earlier
It was a warm summer night and the youth of the town were engaged in, er, how shall we say, biological activity in the cove of the island. In the gliding swan boats, people were merry and made love, occasionally looking up to steer the boat away from craggy rocks. This was not always successful, as the many sounds of wood splintering and the belated laughs of other teenagers, the kind of mirth that only comes from watching idiots drown.
Jack Breezy was one of these chuckling adolescents. His boat was tied up at the pier and he was lying in it with a black-haired girl who sighed happily and said, "Oh Jack, I love you. You're such a good listener and you always act as though I'm the only girl in the world."
"What?" asked Jack, looking over the water before shifting back into the boat, "Sorry, I was just checking out the ass on that girl in boat number twenty-three."
"I said," repeated the girl, before giving up and saying, "Oh well, never mind. Do you want to go and see that new picture at the movie theatre?"
"Which one?" asked Jack.
"Star Wars."
Jack laughed out loud, "Star Wars!? That's twenty years old!"
"Well, we get movies a little later than everyone else," conceded the girl.
"You get everything bloody late," muttered Jack, "Here, you still think that flares were the greatest invention of the twentieth century."
These musings were swiftly interrupted by the introduction of an angry-looking man wielding a shotgun. He shone a torch into the boat and yelled angrily, "What the hell are you doing with my daughter?"
Whoops, thought Jack quickly, Time for a backup plan.
"Oh!" he said, laughing nervously, "This is your daughter? Why, she's so ugly I thought she was a boy!"
There was an uncomfortable, embarrassed silence for a few seconds before Jack jumped out of the boat and began running down the wharf to freedom.
"I'll get you, you no-good lecher of a city boy!" yelled the man angrily.
"Oh yeah!?" retorted a distant Jack, "WELL DARTH VADER IS LUKE SKYWALKER'S FATHER! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!?"
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"Good times," said Jack aloud, thoughtfully, "Or rather, shit times. Yeah, definitely shit times."
"Well, thank you old man," he continued, "May your lack of intelligence be matched only by your lack of teeth. Say, by the way, would you like a job?"
"Yeah, sure would."
"How would you like to be an admiral? Do you have any naval experience?"
"Well, sir," recollected the old man, taking his cap off and scratching his bald head, "I once rode on one at a country fair with my grandpappy when I was ten."
"Good enough," replied Jack, "Report to the town hall at 6pm."
"I'll wear my least-dung-covered overalls!" exclaimed the old man excitedly, going into his house to tell everyone the good news.
Jack walked over to the cove to begin commandeering the vessels. His dream was becoming reality at long last.
God it felt good.
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"Okay then," began Jack to the long table of his cabinet, "I hereby appoint myself as Mayor of Mineral Island. Cliff will be my deputy."
"Wooo!" yelled Cliff in excitement, before being backhanded by an irate May.
"May will be Lord Chief General, Grand, Mega, Ultra, Supreme Commanding Overlord of the Armed Forces of the Entire Universe," continued Jack. He had kept extending this grandiose title due to the express wishes of May and a highly-powered submachine gun.
"Ozzie will be our Chief of Police and Random Assault Squadron, Chef will be Captain of the Elf Guard and Drug Distribution and that random old man I met will be Admiral of the Fleet."
"What's a fleet sonny?" asked the old man, scratching his head.
"Ahahahahaha," laughed Jack nervously, trying to avoid May's penetrating glare, "He's showing his naval expertise already! Why, I bet he even – aaaah!"
"Listen to me you pompous asshole!" growled May pulling Jack down to her level, "You mean I've got a seventy-five-year-old idiot working under me?" Meanwhile, the Admiral of the Fleet was about to poke a whirling fan to see what would happen.
"Um, yeah," conceded Jack, trying not to rip his own ear off by resisting, "But look at it this way. Would you want an intelligent person under you? Someone who may present a threat to your benevolent tyranny over the army? Or would you prefer a harmless and ineffectual moron?"
"Hmm," considered May, "Good point. Besides, I can always kill him later when he is of no more use."
"Atta girl," replied Jack, who raised himself back up and announced, "Okay people, we have a government. But what form of government should it be?"
"Not democracy," argued Ozzie, "Because that's no fun if the people can kick you out for corruption, abuse of power, illegal activities and other little things like that."
"Good point," agreed Jack, "But what about communism, fascism, monarchy, despotism, fundamentalism, socialism, conservatism, liberalism, anarchism, aristocracy, authoritarianism, feudalism, kleptocracy, hierocracy, isocracy, isonomy, kritarchy, krytocracy, meritocracy, ochlocracy, oligarchy, plutocracy, republicanism, thalassocracy, theocracy, timocracy, totalitarianism or one of those parties that tries to legalize marijuana?
"How about all of them," suggested Cliff, "Just to be on the safe side?"
"Excellent idea!" exclaimed Jack, banging the table with his fist. There was excited agreement. As the cabinet began talking about constructing their new paradise, Aqua ran in and saluted.
"Excuse me Mayor," he announced, "But there is a man and a woman to see you."
"Send them in," ordered Jack, making that dismissive hand-signal that all great dictators do. He'd always wanted to do that.
Mary came in. The black-haired librarian cleared her throat and announced, "I'm sorry to disturb you, Mayor Jack, but Gray heard about the new government and was wondering if he could get a job?"
"Well, why didn't he ask?" asked Jack.
"He's a bit quiet," admitted Mary, "so I thought I'd ask for him. He's a bit shy."
At that point, Gray came in; or rather, the door seemed to explode into wooden shards and Gray ran through, bellowing, "WHAT'S UP, MAYOR JACK!?"
Jack was taken aback by this greeting, but composed himself and replied uncertainly, "Er, I'm fine thank you Gray."
"GOOD!" roared the blacksmith apprentice, stomping up to the new Mayor, "SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE A BODYGUARD WHO CAN DEAL WITH THREATS LIKE THIS GUY HERE?" He indicated Cliff, who bore a look of pure terror.
"Um," began Jack, "The thing is…"
"OKAY THEN!" Gray screamed, "TAKE THIS YOU VILLAIN!" He head butted Cliff, who collapsed in his seat. Gray finished off by yelling, "PHEW! THAT WAS LUCKY! HE COULD HAVE BEEN DANGEROUS, MAYOR JACK!"
"Thank you Gray," smiled Jack, "I can't offer you a full-time job, since you'll probably end up killing half my cabinet in your, er, enthusiasm, but whenever there's a major event on, I'll call you. You'll be paid well for your sadism, uh, I mean, protection."
"THANK YOU MAYOR JACK!" whispered Gray, in awe of his new master's approval, "I WON'T LET YOU DOWN!"
He bowed and rushed out the door. Mary blushed and said, "I think he's beginning to get over his shyness."
"Right," muttered Jack, unconvinced. As Mary curtsied and left, he announced proudly, "Tomorrow gentlemen and lady, we will proclaim our new regime to the whole world; the whole world being this island of course. Ahahahahahahahahaha! Ahahahahahahaha!"
This set off a spree of evil laughter in everyone, which was promising for a while, until the smell of camel made everyone begin to cough and splutter.
"Damn it," Jack coughed, "Where are those throat sweets?"
"I think," replied Cliff between retches, "that the camels ate them."
"Ah hell," wheezed Jack.