Ahhh, yes. This is my first Naruto fanfiction, and probably the funniest fanfiction I have ever published! Because of the nature of it, it COULD have been a lemon-fest, but that would be pointless, long, boring, and full of lemons, which I am bad at writing. Instead, you have this slew of hilarious epitaphs. Enjoy, and read and review!
"I am Uzumaki Naruto, destined to be Hokage! And when I am, you'll have to acknowledge me!" said the blond-haired, blue eyes, most hyperactive ninja of Konoha village to Hyuga Neji, the most fate-driven (and albeit, number one rookie of last year) ninja in Konoha. Neji had a long-standing history of hating Naruto. Not surprising, since most people hated Naruto. However, Neji's dislike came from something more than that; it was really because Hinata liked Naruto. And Hinata was Main House scum, and anything that scum likes must be scum as well. And so, Neji hated Naruto because Hinata liked Naruto.
"Baka…You're an idiot, and potato peelings have a better chance of being Hokage." Neji said, narrowing his pupil-less, purple eyes. Neji had odd eyes, just like the rest of the Hyuga clan. The Byakukan ability meant one needed almost transparent eyes, thus the hazy color. Neji and Naruto were standing on the bridge. This bridge was the bridge where Hatake Kakashi, the Copy Ninja himself, had been late for a record of one thousand times. Yes, the bridge was historic, but it was currently the host of a battle of wills. Naruto growled, his fists shaking. Neji was going to get it this time.
"Y-you…I…just wait…" Naruto said, unable to find words that could defeat Neji's flawless insult. Speaking of which, Neji was chuckling with a smug look on his face.
"To be Hokage, you need to be the strongest and wisest ninja in the village. You are neither of these, and never will be. It's not in your destiny. In fact, you probably are the worst at everything in this village…except being stupid, of course," said Neji, in his imposing voice. Naruto growled even deeper. Damn you, Neji. Naruto would have pounded the older boy to a pulp, if he were capable of doing so. Unfortunately, Neji was the best at taijutsu among the village genins. A fistfight was suicide. So, if fistfighting was out of the question, verbal insult was certainly in the question.
"You shut up, pupil-less freak! Don't act so tough just because you pick on weak people like Hinata! And DON'T UNDERESTIMATE ME, DAMMIT!" Naruto screamed. Neji had lost the smug expression, and was now growling as well.
"Don't you EVER speak about my pupils-" Neji said forcefully, but was interrupted by Naruto peeping, or lack thereof. "-you nine-tails bitch!" Neji roared. Neji never, ever swore. For Neji to swear was for him to be very, very angry. He loved his precious eyes, and an insult to them was not taken lightly. Snapping, Neji ran at Naruto, who wasn't expecting a confrontation, and palm striked the blond boy in the stomach. Gentle fist rules dictated that one hacked and coughed blood when such an attack landed, but Naruto simply hunched over, and fell in a fetal position. Neji stood surprised, until he realized that he had hit Naruto right in the groin…
Naruto walked through the rooms of his soul, until he reached a door that read, "My room! Stay out!" The hyperactive ninja never obeyed warnings, so he walked in anyway.
"Yo, Kyuubi!" Naruto screamed. The nine-tailed fox gave a growl of approval. Naruto could see the demon hunched over his television, his face grim in determination. Contrary to popular belief, the demon was probably Naruto's closest friend. Sure, he was evil, but the fox was also easily pacified.
"You remember that Neji guy, right? He insulted you." Naruto said, acting like a little child that ratted on a sibling. Naruto was no longer a little child, even though he acted like one. He was sixteen now, after all. But, old habits die hard.
"Neji's a punk, don't worry about it. Wanna play?" Kyuubi said in his deep, gruff voice. Upon further inspection, Naruto realized that the fox was playing Soul Calibur II on his newly-refined XBOX.
"No, I'm busy. Anyway, I came here to ask if you could let me borrow all of your chakra, so I can teach Neji a lesson." Naruto asked, his voice dripping with desperation. He had used this tone often to subdue his soul mate (literally), and expected it to work now.
"NO WAY! You bum! You waste so much chakra all day doing stupid things like that sexiness jutsu that I barely have ANY energy left to play my XBOX! I have to use my limitless chakra to run it! And limitless chakra runs out, you know!" Kyuubi howled. Naruto raised an eyebrow. Something didn't add up.
"Umm…doesn't limitless mean it never runs out?" He asked. The fox sweatdropped. "Besides, Sexy no Jutsu is my most powerful asset! I beat the Third with it!" Kyuubi screamed in horror as he realized a computer-controlled Taki had mugged him, brutally, in the few seconds he was talking with his host. The demon was playing as Nightmare.
"Argh…wait a minute. If you beat the Third, aren't you technically Hokage now?" Kyubbi asked. Naruto rubbed his chin, to make the impression that he was thinking. He was really just imagining how Neji would take it if his earlocks were pulled right out of his head.
"Not really. You have to be the strongest in the village. I can't even beat Shikamaru! Well, unless you help, of course." Naruto said. His demonic friend nodded, his eyebrows downcast as he pondered.
"Who said you had to be strongest? You just need to beat everybody, right? And if you beat the Third…" the nine-tails said. Naruto almost shrieked out in joy as he realized the potential. Konoha was full of blatant perverts. They would fall prey to his Sexy and Harem no Jutsus in seconds! SECONDS!
"You're a genius! Just for that, I'll let you control me when we eat ramen tonight! You can finally have a taste!" Naruto said happily. The fox held out a massive claw and patted Naruto on the head.
"No problem kid. Now pick up that controller so I can own you!" Kyubbi said with a grin. He couldn't grin, however, because his teeth were too big, so it looked like a demonic and maniacal smile, but it had the same effect.
"Not a chance!"
Konoha village. An entity SO powerful, other villages set aside their differences and fought for the good of all…besides Kohona…in an attempt to destroy Konoha. It had THAT much power. Of course, anyone could see that, will all the talent that came from it. Konoha was home to that Uchiha Sasuke. Deep within it were the roots of the Hyuga clan, with their purple eyes. It was home to copy ninja Kakashi, who had mastered thousands of jutsu. It had been the birthplace and deathplace of the most selfless Hokage, the fourth, who sacrificed himself to save an entire populace! But, with all the strength in Konoha village, there was one weakness.
They were ALL perverts.
Regardless of how much many tried to hide it, the shinobi of Konoha had a soft spot for hot women. Perhaps it was because there weren't enough sexy women in their lives for them to not get ridiculously excited over someone in a bathing suit. Perhaps, it was a genetic trait that hampered their ability to interact and get laid. Either way, in the context of Konoha village, Sexy no Jutsu was INVINCIBLE. And so, it orchestrated Uzumaki Naruto's rise to power…
Naruto stalked through the tree branches, intent on his target. Hyuga Neji was training a few meters away, punching the favorite tree trunk that everyone seemed to have. Now, it was time for Naruto's revenge.
She stopped and stealthily slid through the trees. Sighting her target, Naruto grinned. Neji would suffer this day. Naruto checked over herself to see if there was any flaw in her appearance. The forehead protector was removed for increased sexiness. She had on a tight pink shirt bearing the symbol of Konoha and shorts. Naruto's long, blond hair was in ponytails at both sides of her head, for they would be major factors in the downfall of Hyuga Neji. Speaking of which, Neji was leaning against a tree trunk, catching his breath. The time was now…
Neji sighed and stared ahead of him. His life was continuously becoming more and more boring, and his desperation continued to grow. He had always wondered why he was so saddened, depressed, and irritable these days, and had found the answer a few days before as he rested in-between his training sessions. It was girl trouble. Or the lack thereof. That's right, the great Hyuga Neji was desperate for intimacy, and he would go crazy if he didn't get some soon. To tell the truth, poor Neji had never even touched a girl outside of his mother and Hinata, when he pounded the daylights out of her in the preliminaries for the third Chuunin exam. He had helped Tenten lay down when she broke her foot one day. That was as intimate as it could have gotten.
"I need to get laid…" Neji said stoically. The sad thing was, he didn't exactly know how, or how to get to that stage. Neji had never been very social, and was much much worse at seducing girls than his rivals. Sasuke did it without lifting a finger. Naruto…well, Naruto wasn't a rival. Gaara didn't count, he wasn't from Konoha. Lee had apparently been kissed by a girl before, which Neji didn't believe. At least Lee had enough guts to lie.
"Want me to help you with that?" A feminine sounding, and downright sexy, voice called from in front of him. Neji looked up and gaped at what he could call the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. It was a girl; she stood at about two inches under him; she had long, silky blond hair that shimmered in the Konoha sun; she had long, perfect legs; she had a soft, supple waist that Neji could almost feel with his eyes. She was walking towards him, her hips swishing left and right, left and right, like a pendulum. A sexy pendulum.
"Neji…I've dreamed about you…" the girl said. She had full lips that were smiling seductively, and cute little cat-like whisker marks on her face. Her breasts were well-proportions and firm, and she looked like a goddess without even trying! Neji started hyperventilating (slightly), trying to look macho while realizing in his panic that something was swelling in his pants.
The girl walked closer. Neji could see into her clear blue eyes…they were so vibrant, and he saw himself in them. Was this a dream? Was it possible for someone this amazing to be approaching him? Was this a joke? Would he pinch himself and see Lee laughing, his hands formed in a genjutsu seal? But Lee couldn't do genjutsu, so…was it fate? Yes. It was fate. Fate had dealt him a good hand at last.
"Neji…" the girl said in a dreamy voice. She straddled herself comfortable on Neji's lap, making sure to gyrate her hips slowly to excite him. Neji squealed and grabbed a hunk of grass on the floor to keep himself from losing control. This wasn't happening. He felt like crapping his pants. The girl placed a delicate hand on Neji's face, as she stroked it softly. She stared into his eyes, her hand slowly caressing the boy's face, until she leaned in and planted a long, passionate kiss on his lips. Neji was beginning to feel uncomfortable. He squirmed under her weight, trying to free the bulge that was crowding his undergarments and was now becoming painfully hard.
"Neji…this is destiny, my love. We were meant to be together! Neji, touch me. Please…I love you…" the blond-haired girl said. Neji stared forward, unable to move. He was too stunned. This was incredible. The girl pushed herself further up his lap and ground her hips against his, planting her face in the crook of his neck, lightly sucking it. The Hyuga moved a hand up, trembling, and laid it on the girl's back, rubbing it in a circular motion. He laughed weakly when she looked at him in disappointment.
"My love…is this as far as you want to go?" She said alluringly, pulling her Konoha-emblemed shirt over her head in one swift motion, revealing her perfect bust. She took Neji's hand and placed it on her left breast, all the while resting her head between his neck and shoulders, breathing into the sensitive skin. Under her, Neji shuddered inwardly and gave a squeal, before feeling an odd sensation in his groin and some wetness in his pants.
"Awww…now you ruined my fun…" The girl said in mock sadness. She gave him a fleeting kiss, before whispering in his ear, "Meet me at the bridge, Neji. I'll fulfil your wildest dreams…" When Neji opened his eyes, she was gone.
"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA cough HHAHAHHAHAHAHA" said Naruto as he walked away from the forest clearing. He placed his hands behind his head and kept laughing. Sexy no Jutsu was indeed all mighty.
And that's chapter one! Thanks for reading! Review as soon as you can, for more will come for your pleasure. I have no idea what the next chapter will hold, since I am writing this on impulse, but it'll be good! It's always good.