Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN HELLSING, YOU SILLY BAKAS!

Warning: Totally random, most of the story built around the punchline at the end. Enjoy!

It had been a very strange couple of years for Hellsing. Sir Integra had hit thirty, and the Queen had firmly requested that she see about producing an heir for the organization.

After the third suitor in a row attempted to exert control over Integra with the mindset that he would take over the reins once the marriage was made...after the third suitor in a row was placed in the hospital...Her Majesty and Sir Integra had a very long, private chat.

The end result was that Sir Integra was the first to be given Royal Consent to obtain an heir by artificial insemination. She still wasn't pleased at the necessity, but it was better than dealing with the young and stupid amongst the nobility.

The process had to be explained to Alucard. That marvelous task fell to Seras. It had gone over surprisingly well once the elder vampire realized that this meant there would be no one touching Integra. In fact, she would technically be a virgin mother, and her remaining a virgin suited him just fine.

Integra's choice of donor had been somewhat more shocking. Skipping over the catalogues and random chance aspect, she had gone directly to the man she trusted most to provide half the genetics for the Hellsing heir.

Walter.

Walter had actually been the one to tell Alucard about Integra's request, as the vampire had come upon the Angel of Death drinking very heavily in the kitchen. Attempting to process the request, so to speak.

Alucard, unexpectedly, had actually encouraged the old warrior to go through with it. The idea of the next heir being born of the two humans he probably respected the most seemed to interest him.

After much contemplation and much alcohol, Walter agreed. After that was a flurry of doctor visits and such that came with this sort of thing.

And so – Integra was pregnant. With Walter's child, though he'd never laid a hand on her.

Integra pregnant was not something to be trifled with. Many people discovered this to their detriment. Including Enrico Maxwell, who learned firsthand that it is not wise to make comments about a pregnant woman's weight when she has been trained in hand-to-hand combat. Surprisingly, Alexander Anderson had been rather gentlemanly about the whole thing. Who knew he had a soft spot for kids? He'd carried his semi-conscious, black-eyed superior out of the museum meeting with a polite wish for her and the child's health, and an apology – AN APOLOGY – for Maxwell's behavior.

Alucard had laughed himself nearly sick over it.

Seras was an astonishing help. She knew more about feminine things than did Integra, and certainly more than the men. She was someone Integra felt comfortable with over the males when hormone induced tears were falling. And Seras was good at reassuring her superior over what the pregnancy was doing to her iron control.

Time passed as it does, and one cold October night, after much profanity and the removal of guns from Integra's reach, the newest heir to Hellsing was born. And the birth of Sage Dolneaaz Hellsing was celebrated in blood, when Alucard made the mistake of mentioning how ugly human newborns were while standing close enough to Integra for her to grab the Casull and shoot him with it.

It was nearly a year later.

Seras was in the kitchen drinking her blood packet while Walter prepared the food for the child Integra was holding in her arm. Sage had his father's hair and his mother's eyes, and both of their strong personalities. His favorite toy was the squeaky plastic gun that Seras had bought him as a joke. He was chewing on it quite intently when Alucard phased unexpectedly into the room. Seras jumped and dropped her packet, spilling blood on the clean floor.

"Alucard," growled Integra, while he smirked at his fledgling hurrying to clean up the mess and Walter stepping over and around it with the baby's food.

Sage looked up with interest. His bright eyes fixed on the tall red-clothed vampire.

"Al?"

All motion stopped. You could have heard a pin drop in the entire headquarters. Integra looked down at her son in shock.

"Al? Al?" the baby repeated. There was no question that he was talking directly to Alucard.

"His first word –" squeaked Seras, and promptly dove out of the room as Integra's eyes darkened.

"ALUCARD!"

"Al? Al?"

And once again the weirdness quotient for Hellsing shot up another couple of points.