Author's Notes: This is a edit/re-written of something that I posted ages ago called, "Erm - Baby Harry". Mostly re-written if I'm being honest, a painstaking task at best - and a fucking nightmare at worst. This is going to be re-vamped as I go along, so wish me luck. I need it. Just like this piece of prose needed a facelift - either that, or a bag to put over its head.
Warning: AU Fifth Year. Mild-swearing.
Summary: The Weasley twins mess up; big time and there to prove it, is a baby. A baby called Harry Potter. Sit back, kick your feet up, relax and read through the ensuring chaos that the prank has caused. AU Fifth Year.
Dedication: To three people, actually. Star, Lala and FoxFire - although, I'm leaning a bit more over to Star, because she's put up with me and my lack of confidence regarding this, all day. -kiss- thank you.
Disclaimer: Nope. Not mine. Imagine the possibilities if they were though!
Nappies and Naked Dancing
By Pickled Rellish
Harry was back at Hogwarts after another boring summer that consisted of feral sneers from his relatives and slow contact with his friends. Right at this moment in time, the Gryffindors were having a party; their cheers and shouts could be heard at least four floors down, and the laughing seemed to be infectious. Quidditch season had started back up not so long ago, and with Wood gone, they needed a new Keeper - to which, Ron Weasley landed the role of - therefore, this party, this victory party, was all that more special. They hadn't lost against Slytherin, which seemed like a sure thing. Ron wasn't what one would call the best of Keepers… Butterbeer, sweets, crisps and everything else imaginable was being passed around the room - Fred and George Weasley had made a sneaky trip to Hogsmeade and came back with their arms stacked high with sweets from Honeydukes.
An Ice Mouse let out a horrible shriek as Neville sat on it.
"Hey, Harry!" one of the twins yelled, catching the bespectacled youths attention. "Want the last bottle of Butterbeer?" he called, waving said bottle in the air and grinning.
Harry nodded, his hand reaching over the crowd to grab it, and after shouting his thanks, he proceeded to open the bottle; tilting his head back, he drank, his Adams Apple bobbing with the action.
The twins stood and watched Harry, nearly vibrating with excitement as they watched him finish the drink off; watched him place the empty brown bottle onto a nearby table that was overflowing with food, and they watched him collapse to the floor, not minutes later, in a mass of wiry limbs. They stopped grinning, looked at each other, and said in unison. "That… wasn't meant to happen."
As practically all of the room was preoccupied with other things - playing Exploding Snap for example, if that crack and pained yelp was anything to go by - it was logical that only those who had been stood around Harry, noticed his now unconscious state. It'd be a little bit hard not to otherwise.
Ron blinked stupidly at the space where, only moments before, Harry had stood and looked directly at his two guilty looking brothers. Scowling at the pair, who no doubt had something to do with this, he redirected his attention to the bundle of robes on the floor. Kneeling down hurriedly, the people around him making space and getting other people's attention in return, he gripped where he presumed in the mass of clothing, was Harry's shoulder, yet only ended up getting a handful of material.
Hermione's eyebrows drew together. "Ron…?" came the whispered question.
Ron issued a grunt in acknowledgement, his fingers twisting in the loose fabric, getting ready to pull up-
"Achoo."
-and his fingers stalled, eyes widening slightly. "Uh… Hermione, that didn't sound like a Harry sneeze, did it?"
By now, this little episode was being watched by the whole of the room; someone had shut the music off, there was no more bottles clinking together as they passed to and fro from person to person, the room was silent, watching the new drama unfold, keeping their whispered exclamations to themselves.
After getting an encouraging look off Hermione, Ron twisted the fabric once more, pulled it up and away.
Startled gasps and animated babble started up at once.
A toddler, no older than two, sat on the floor, his little legs sticking out in front of him and hands covering eyes. His black mop-top of hair fell languidly over his fingers, fingers that he parted slightly to see the crowd with. With a high pitched giggle, the child removed his hands and bubbled out an excited, "Boo!" His glasses slipped off his nose and landed onto the floor with a clatter.
"Oh-" murmured Fred.
"-shit," George finished off.
The tiny child brushed his hair out of his face with both of his hands, allowing the ever infamous lightning bolt scar to shine through in all its angry red glory. Hermione gasped, bringing her own hands to cover her mouth.
Ron swallowed. "Uh… Harry, mate?"
" 'arry!" Harry giggled. " 'arry, 'arry, 'arry, 'arry!"
Ron, eyes flashing with anger, looked up through his bangs at his two pale brothers. "What've you done to Harry?" he growled. "Change him back - and change him back now."
Everyone shifted nervously while they all tried to peer at the baby, trying not to look too obvious. Harry cheekily pulled his tongue out at them all, and they at least had the decency to look away nervously.
"Hold up, little brother," George said, holding up his hands. "I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all of this."
A few of the Gryffindors snorted their amusement.
"Change him back now, George," the red head snarled. Looking down at his best friend, he only now realised that he was naked, showing off his naked self without shame. Cursing slightly, he picked Harry up, managing to only blush slightly while his hand supported Harry, by resting on his bottom. Harry, for his half, only let out a startled yelp at the sudden movement before he wrapped his skinny arms and legs around Ron. He smiled at the slightly blushing freckled lad.
"Technically, he shouldn't even be like that…" Fred muttered, rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous manner.
"What?" Hermione snapped, her eyes narrowing at the pair, her voice deadly calm and controlled.
"Ermph." Weasley twin two croaked.
Weasley twin one took over. "Well. You see, Hermione darling, Love of my Life, Shinning Star of Gryffindor, Bookworm to-"
"-I'm waiting," Hermione barked, tapping her foot against the stone floor.
"-ah, yes, well, anyway. What Mr. Potter has ingested happens to be a previously untested product from our new line in Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes… and, er, it didn't quite work to plan. Still got some bugs in it, it seems."
"Oh, you two are unbelievable," snapped the bushy haired youth, her hand clenching on her hip. Noticing Harry squirming in Ron's hold, and Ron not looking too pleased athaving a wiggling, naked, baby in his arms, she turned part of her anger and annoyance onto him. "Oh for heaven's sake, Ron! Cover Harry up, he must be freezing in here!" Snatching Harry's t-shirt up off the floor, ignoring the robe and other articles of clothing, she pulled it over Harry's protesting head.
"Noooo!" he whined, squirming and bucking all the more - so much so that Ron nearly dropped him. "I no wanna be dressed!"
Finally wrestling the t-shirt onto Harry - the thing that was too big for the fifteen-year-old was simply enormous for this puny child, and the neck hole drooped so much that his right arm was hanging out of it - Hermione took him out of a relieved Ron's arms, and held him herself. "There, that's better."
Harry blew a very sloppy raspberry at her in reply.
That broke the previously mounting tension and, after everyone shot dirty looks over to the twins, they all pulled in closer, so that they could get a better look at the now baby Harry Potter.
"He's adorably gorgeous," a seventh year spoke up, trailing a hand over Harry's cheek. Harry turned his head and tried to bite the aforementioned hand. His missed by millimetres and the limb was pulled back sharply.
The room laughed.
"Oh Harry," Hermione sighed. Harry cocked his head in reply and blinked. "Why is it always you?" a moment of completive silence passed by. "We'd better tell a Professor, Ron. Do you think Professor McGonagall will still be awake?"
"I think she may."
The room craned their necks as one, looking over to the portrait entrance with startled gasps. There stood Professor McGonagall; it couldn't have been written better.
"Professor McGonagall!" gasped the Prefect, her free hand clutching her heart. The twins tried to slink away, but luckily, Hermione caught them out of the corner of her eye. "Oh no you don't!" she rounded up on them, not quite unlike Mrs. Weasley. "You two are responsible for this and you'll take the necessary fall for it too."
"What are you doing here?" Ron blurted out, his mouth not quite connected to his brain.
McGonagall rose an eyebrow - she was perhaps, besides Snape, the only teacher that could look formidable while wearing her night clothes - and answered, sounding quite indignant as she spoke, "I came to tell you all to go to bed - I know how these… celebration parties can linger. It seems, however, that my presence is needed for much more. What is it, Granger?" she turned to the Prefect and for the first time since steeping into the room, she noticed the child wrapped around the girl's side. "What, Miss. Granger, is that?"
"Hiya!" Harry chirped happily, waving one of his tiny hands at the elderly woman.
The hard lines on Minerva's face softened as she looked at the incredibly cute child that was currently clinging onto Hermione like a lifeline. It was no doubt who it was, she'd remember that face anywhere, even if in her memory banks he was younger, he still looked the same. "Mr. Potter?" she uttered breathlessly.
"Professor! It's awful. Fred and George Weasley," here, half of the room shot them glares full of contempt, "poisoned Harry."
"Here now," cut in Fred, insulted. "I wouldn't say we poisoned him!"
"I concur. We were just testing one of our products on him." George added smartly.
McGonagall rubbed her temples - she felt a headache coming on. "You two never fail to disappoint me. Am I correct in saying that this was given to Potter, without prior knowledge on his half?" the two identical guilty faces spoke volumes more than anything they could have said. "I thought as much. Please tell me, that in all your misplaced wisdom, that the ingredients have been written down?"
Twin one saluted. "We always do, Professor, but I'm afraid that it's a Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes top secret recipe and-"
"-go and fetch those ingredients, now," the Transfiguration Professor snapped sharply, cutting him off halfway.
"-Yes, Sir-"
"-right away, Sir!" and with that said, the twins slipped upstairs to the dormitories, both commenting on how teachers, these days, had no sense of humour.
She sighed, rolling her eyes at their antics; she'd deal with them later. "Miss. Granger, if you'd be so kind as to hand over Potter over. I know of a certain Headmaster and Matron who'd be delighted to hear about this." Holding her arms out, Harry raised his own to meet them and began to try to squirm out of Hermione's grip. McGonagall fought back a smile as she eased Harry onto her hip; his legs wrapped around her waist, while his arms locked around her neck.
He giggled softly. "Hiya," he said again.
She smiled down at him before resuming her Head of House; addressing the whole room, she spoke, "Tell those two… imbeciles to meet me in my office, as soon as they've found that ingredient list."
"Yes Professor," everyone answered, nearly at the same time.
As she turned to leave, Hermione's voice stopped her with a heartfelt, "Professor?"
She readjusted the wiggling Harry and didn't bother to turn around. "Yes, Miss. Granger?"
"Will Harry… well, will Harry ever get back to… get back to normal, Professor?"
Minerva sighed deeply. "I'm not entirely certain, as it all depends what those classroom clowns have put into their concoction. I believe he shall be fine though… goodnight, Miss. Granger." With that, all said and done, she left the Gryffindor Common Room, her nightgown swirling around her heels as she left. She then began the not-so-long walk - or stalk, as the case may be - to the Hospital Wing, with a fidgeting, practically naked, baby-boy hero sitting on her hip.