Well…'Tis been a while since I've written anything because I'm so damn pissed at admin. Stupid rules…Anyway, I guess I shouldn't be sulking right now. This fic is about the Knights of Pluto, because they're really funny but highly neglected, so here's to my favorite incompetent military force, second only to the Night Watch of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Knights of Pluto or any other FFIX character. They belong to Square-Enix or whatever the heck it is that they're called these days.
The Knight Errant
Chapter 1: Where is Haagen?
Let us consider the heroes: Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, Freya, Eiko, Steiner, Quina, and Amarant. See how they have failed to save Alexandria, even with the summoning of Alexander. However, see how they did their best to protect it from the hoards of evil. How great they are… How powerful they are… How completely irrelevant they are to this story (except possibly Adelbert Steiner).
Blutzen and Kohel were sitting at the base of the west tower, hard at work and making plans for reconstruction. "This is gonna be one heck of a clean-up job…" said Kohel, the fat one.
"Yeah…I have no idea how to even begin…" replied Blutzen.
"Yeah…"
"Yup. Verrry difficult…"
"You know it…"
"Well, we should get started, then."
"Yes, let's begin!"
"…"
"……"
"Hey, did you hear that Weimar is seeing that flower girl in town?" asked Blutzen.
"No! Really? I thought he was flirting with that soldier!" said Kohel.
"Well…We all were, so I guess you can't really count that as cheating."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. By the way, does it strike you as odd that we haven't seen Haagen for a week?"
"Um…Well I just assumed that he's on vacation somewhere…"
"Right after our city was destroyed?"
"Hmm, I guess you're right. I wonder where he went."
Meanwhile, at the inner edge of the petrified Evil Forest, on the shores of the river, Haagen awoke from his weeklong slumber. "Feel my…fury…Wha-ow my head!" When the Pluto Knight's vision and mind cleared he looked around at his surroundings. A certain existential dread began to creep up on him. "Oh…crap."
Laudo, gifted writer, sensitive soul, and military man (well, sort of), decided that it was time to begin writing his book on the destruction and reconstruction of Alexandria. He had interviewed many of the townspeople and most of the Knights of Pluto, including himself. Right now he had just finished speaking to Breireicht, one of the older members of the Pluto Knights. Poor Laudo had to temporarily shut his mind off to keep from going insane from Breireicht's lengthy descriptions of people he knew. "Yes, well that's…nice. So Breireicht, I have to go talk to Haagen now. Do you know where he is?" asked Laudo.
"Ah, you mean young, enthusiastic Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII, the-" started the knight.
"Uh, hey! Is that General Beatrix I see? I thought she died! Gotta go! Thank you! Bye!"
That was close, thought Laudo. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to ask someone else. There was Mullenkedheim, wondering when they'll rebuild the kitchen. He's a nice guy, but sometimes not very helpful. He does make a very good sandwich, though. Laudo caught sight of Dojebon, and started chasing after him. "Dojebon! Hey, Dojebon, slow down! Dojebon! Please, slow…down…" gasped Laudo as he finally got Dojebon's attention.
"Hey, Laudo. Could you make this quick? I'm really busy," said Dojebon.
"Urgh…Gasp…Have…have you…wheeze…"
"Are you okay? You don't look so good, Laudo. I always said you could do with more exercise."
"I-I'm fine. Have you seen Haagen?"
"Haagen? Isn't he around somewhere?"
"No. No one's seen him for at least a week."
"He's missing? But…but he's my best friend! He wouldn't just leave!" said Dojebon. His eyes narrowed. "What have you done to him?"
"Huh? Nothing!"
"Oh. Are you sure?"
"Yes. I didn't do anything to Haagen."
"Well, alright then. If he's really been missing for a week, then maybe we should go look for him."
They gathered the remaining Knights of Pluto and explained the situation to them. And so, the Save the Endangered Haagen Committee (SEHC) was formed.
Meanwhile..."H-hello? Is anybody there? Dojebon? Captain? Mom?" squeaked Haagen. No one answered. "Laura has a big butt!" he shouted, and then ducked, fearful of possible retaliation from a vengeful ex-girlfriend. When it seemed that he really was alone, he sagged with despair. "What am I gonna do? No friends, no food, no shelter…And my underwear itches…" he sighed. Well, might as well start on the lonely journey home.
After a few days, he finally finished building a raft. Nature was fine. It was nice, but only when it was far away. Haagen had soon learned that fishing was harder than it seemed, and that birds were not all that friendly. But, having passed all that misery, he set out on his raft. He had taken off his clothes to wash them, an act that would have surprised Laura, if only she was here. The past few days spent in communion with nature had left Haagen disillusioned and frustrated, so he decided to vent his rage. Stark naked, he shouted, "Ha! Just watch me, Mother )!#(ing Nature! This is what I think of your stupid woodland creatures!" and gestured. Nearby, perched on a rock, a crow watched him with interest. Feeling embarrassed and deflated, he looked for something to cover himself. Since his clothes were still drying, he settled on his helmet. "This is so degrading…" he muttered.
First chapter done! So, what do you think! Please review so I can update!