Notes: Hmmm… haven't written in a while, well, here it is, my new one-shot. This fic was written partly because I wanted to try my hand at writing again and also because I actually wanted to join the Valentine's Day contest at Forbidden Love. This will be awfully cliché, with the rain and stuff, but what the heck; it's a Valentine's fic! Early warning, this isn't your average February 14 fic, as it is a bit angsty, and has minimal fluff. This is an experiment, of sorts, as I've never tried to combine angst and fluff before… And because of this, I know this fic will probably not win. But who cares? Leave a review, if you can! Thanks.
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, Robin, Raven or any other DC character included in this short story. I don't own anything.
Until Then
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"Love is never having to say you're sorry."
-Love Story
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..
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Valentine's Day. Winged babies with arrows and pink hearts. Cotton candy hopes and caramel dreams. Some, blooming like iced rain for love found, others shedding stained-glass tears in jagged regret. Once a year, this day comes- a hallmark signifying the end of the cold, bitter winter of loneliness and the beginning of a spring that will simply fade away into fall. All this reminding him of what this day was:
His last chance.
He pondered the events that led to today, the pain, the cost, the stress. And thought about how it might all turn out. Every thing had been set to perfection, every effort taken. But still, he knew- whether it was his natural pessimism or just reason's muted scream in a sea of emotional turmoil- it could all be just for nothing. Rejection wasn't a moment's lapse of confidence away; it was at his very doorstep. And to top it all off, it wasn't his choice whether or not to enter through the vaulted portal. It was hers.
Sighing, the Teen Titan known throughout the world as Robin got up from his bed. He was the former apprentice to the greatest detective in the world, and the leader of the elite fighting team made up of other heroes like him formed to protect a city from evil's ugly forms. But for now, he was just another teenager; a boy upon the threshold of manhood, battling crime and hormones alike everyday.
And he was in love. He was in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. In love with the most talented woman he will probably ever meet. He was in love with Raven.
The only problem was, she didn't feel the same way. At least, not anymore.
Funny, the sheer amount of thoughts that goes through a person's mind when he wakes up in the morning. It's the only time of the day where one can't hide from one's self. The rest, one spends living the charade society calls life, collapsing into bed and a fitful surcease of pain every night. There are only so many hours in a day, and this is the only time where his conscience catches up with the rest of him. When he truly is alone, watching the sun's exudation creep through the blinds he uses to keep the rest of the world out. Making glittering flying fairies out of the nuisance that people call dust; chasing away the shadows that the demons hide in. Everything comes out in the light of dawn's early morning.
He catches his breath, and allows himself this small weakness, this small peace in the midst of his heart's war against circumstance and unfair fate. He allows himself to remember.
A starry night, the last remaining ounces of adrenaline valiantly trying to hold on, fighting for dominance in a body that felt hollow after yet another day of saving the world. Another night of surveying the skies while she meditated beside him. So close, only a meter away. Yet untouchable, shielded from him by a wall of ice.
But tonight would be different. He had decided. Tonight, he would tell her.
They have always shared this special connection, a lingering bond, indelible. They weren't friends- at least, not in the conventional sense. Not like he and Cyborg were. She and Starfire. Both did not truly share the special memories, the talks about nothing at all which bonded two people more than any life-threatening experience ever could. They had just been team mates. No more, no less. Except for one single thing: they understood each other.
Cyborg might have been his best friend, true. They had the same interests, same likes and pet peeves. And God knows, Victor Stone had his share of trauma, too. But it just wasn't enough. Robin couldn't talk to Cyborg about his parents, or his need to hide behind a wall of pomp and circumstance. He just couldn't. Maybe it was a matter of trust. Maybe simple machismo. But he knew that a part of him will always be wearing a mask when he was with his best friend.
Star, too, could never truly understand Raven's darkness. The orange-skinned alien had been raised having not a care in the world. And even when life's unfairness smacked her right in the face, she still managed to keep her innocent naïveté. Raven was darkness incarnate. Starfire was about rainbows and butterflies. Friends they were, that was undeniable. They were the only girls in the group, and had shared an experience which left both with a sense of knowing each other when a certain Puppeteer had attacked them. But did Raven truly trust Star? If she could go back and choose whether or not to let Starfire know everything, would she? No.
That was why their connection had been so special. With a glance, a cup of tea and hot chocolate, the other knew. A mind meld which tore away every mask for both of them only added to what was already there. Trust. Raven just got him. She understood his inner pain which he had to hide from the rest of the world with gaudy colors and cheesy lines. She had to- she hid hers, too. Only with numbness and indifference. And because of that, he had fallen for her.
Tonight. He decided. Decision resolved, he turned around, ready to speak about the things he wished to share with the person who knew him the most.
And found only air waiting for him.
"Damn…"
He had been so resolute, then. Determined and ready for rejection- which in retrospect, he never truly believed he would receive. He was raised by a playboy vigilante. A certain arrogance was only to be expected. But he had never expected it to turn out the way it did.
His alarm clock read 6:04 am. It was entirely too early to join the realm of the living. Especially today of all days. So he decided to stay tucked under the covers, letting his mind wander just as his eyes did the same, going over his room's sparse furnishings, newspaper clippings, and cluttered tools. Flying fairies dancing in air
"Why, Robin? Why? Why can't I just be normal? Like any other kid you'd meet on the street? Like the guy who works part time at the pizza place? Like you?" She asked, out of the blue, startling him from his reverie.
He was on the edge of the roof, crouching low and reveling in the softly stinging sensation of icy rain burning against his skin. He had not expected her to be here. She had not spoken to him in a week, ever since that night on the roof where nothing had happened.
He turned, ready to give her a raised eyebrow, but just stared, instead.
She was soaked from head to toe, indigo locks a shade darker than usual framing her shadow less face, cloak falling heavily and wetly around her form, betraying the fact that she had been there, behind him as he was staring into nothingness, for a while. Her eyes were trained directly at him, puffy and wide, strangely vulnerable, intensely emotional.
"Raven? My god… how long have you been there? Have you been crying? If it was Beast Boy, I'm so going to kill him. You're wet, you should get inside and d-" He faltered, realized his own state of dampness, and blushed into her gaze. Quiet loomed over them, accentuating the soft screams of the sky's tears as they fell to their messy deaths.
"Just answer me, please. Why is life so unfair? Why can't everything just turn out the way it should? Why can't there be any happy endings, like the ones I read about in my books? Why are some people just lucky, and others doomed to hate themselves for what they were born into being, or what they have become? Why are other's allowed to feel, and I can't? Why are other's allowed to love, and I can't? Why?" She cried, droplets of glistening moonlight mixing with the rain cascading down her porcelain cheeks. Washed away, only to be replaced by more.
"I don't know." He answered simply, no longer hiding behind the mask he kept up for the others' benefit. He was their leader, and to the rest of the world, a shining example of everything they wanted for themselves. He had to be perfect at all times, all-knowing, ever brave. A hero.
But for now, he shook off the walls, and was simply himself, staring into the eyes of a kindred spirit, a tortured soul trapped within powers that she never asked for.
"I don't know, Rae." Ignoring the utter desperation and hurt he saw flitting through her purple eyes. "I really don't know. Why is life unfair? I can't answer that. Maybe no one can."
He absently reached out with a gloved hand to stroke her cheek, wipe away the warm tears he found there. A look of content flashed through her face, her form unconsciously leaning towards his, for warmth or for comfort, he did not know. Maybe a bit of both.
"All I know is that no matter what, you should never give up. Life is unfair, Raven, there is no arguing with that. For every child in a happy home, five are out there- floating through life, living in a day to day basis with hurt and squalor as their only playmates. For every happy thought, whether it be a song, a drawing, or an ideal, thousands died along the way." He said, voice quivering with emotion, his own tears marking a slow descent down his profile.
"Robin, I-" she trailed off, her voice caught in her throat, another thought dying. A pale hand reached up and cupped his cheek, going higher until it took off the black mask that covered his eyes from the rest of the world, like the blinds for his windows in his room.
"Life is unfair, always has been and always will be. And because of that, it is our duty to keep on trying to make it better. Our responsibility to strive for a better future. For ourselves and the rest of the world. We may seem to have nothing to begin with, Raven, no special powers, no freedom to feel, but we all seem to have forgotten that we've always had something inside of us that keeps us going."
"But what's the use? Why should we submit ourselves to the pain of this hell we call life, fight for the beautiful thought that we don't want to die? Why should we?" Her voiced cracked, her hand trembling as it gently stroked his face.
"Because if we won't, who will? The purpose of living your life is finding your reason for living, and never letting it die, Rae… we see it everyday. Some people call it God, other's science. Some like to call it their holy grail, their personal legend. I'd like to call it hope. Hope, Raven. That's the only reason why we are here. To find what gives us hope, never letting it fade away." He whispered, his breath tickling her ear, his eyes staring at the pitter-patter of the rain.
"Have you found it, Rob- Richard? Have you found it? Or is it just a myth to inspire? A Dulcinea?"
The clouds parted, revealing a shred of eternity, stars glowing in the satin of the night, laughing at how funny the moon looked.
"Yes, Rae, I have. I found her a few months ago, and she's always been right in front of me, I was just too blind to see it. The one person that keeps me from breaking down when I realize how alone I truly am by showing me that I'm not. The only reason why I wake up each morning, ready to fight for a better world, because I know that no one deserves it more than she does. And until then, I will never give up, never surrender. And I've been wanting to tell her about all this for so long now… she's-" He sucked in his breath, a hollow sound- soft as a whisper but echoing around him, drowning out the sounds of the world outside. He felt her drawing closer, her arms wrapping around him as he spoke, his hands stroking her hair.
"You."
A sob reverberated in his room, making the little particles of dust seem a bit more somber. It took him a while to realize it was from him.
He reached up and felt the hot tears slide down his face to fall on his pillow, leaving small damp areas in the fabric, fading away.
God, he had loved her so much. With every ounce of his being, with every sigh of his soul. And what followed were the happiest moments of his life. Days filled with content and joy, talks about life and hotdogs extending far into the night. Shared glances and stolen kisses, plans about the future, secrets revealed.
But it did not last.
Nothing gold stays, a poet named Frost once said. And in his youthful enthusiasm, he committed the fallacy so common among his fears. He had really hoped for forever, only to be crushed when he realized that illusions only last so long. She had asked, that night, whether he thought that this reason for living was just a Dulcinea, only flame and air, and he had denied the thought. What was a dream, inspiring as it may be, compared to what he shared with Raven?
Alas, doubts and insecurities had rent their fragile relationship asunder. Marring it to a point where neither could look at the other before feeling uncomfortable. They had tried to make it work, again and again. But it was of no use. Every thing they did gave them a few days of happiness, then bitter disappointment as both realized how much they were lying to themselves. Every glance now bringing the burning pain of frustration, longing and regret.
So he had devised a way of getting her back, borne out of desperation and remorse. Just thinking about the holiday reminded him of dead plans and beautiful songs made over four months ago. He had started on the second day of the month, leaving a single rose at her doorstep every day. Thirteen, all in all; a special number for its uniqueness. He had planned to give here the last rose in person, along with a letter telling her how much he thought he would regret losing what they had- no, still had.
A letter which now lay at his bedside, the flying fairies frolicking on its surface, mocking his inability to go through with this last endeavor. Mocking his tears.
His alarm clock beeped. 7:00 am. The rays lining the boundaries of his refuge now glaringly pronounced. It had been two months now, since they broke up. Yet he still wasn't over her. His tears had stopped, ending his first real session of mourning for this love won and lost.
He had told her she was his reason for living. And both have truly believed that, even for just a short while. In the light of day, it soon proved to be only a pipe dream, a naïve notion formed by infatuation. But for a while, both of them believed it. And that's all that really mattered. It had given them hope, a will to live, a desire for a brighter future. And for that short while, it was true.
He had gone through a lot in the past few weeks. Sang a beautiful thought until it died in his throat, hoped for something he knew was doomed. Life really does imitate art. Star-crossed lovers. That's what he called them once. Two people, so far apart emotionally, but sharing a connection that transcended trials and disappointments. But just like Romeo and Juliet, that type of love could not live for long in this life as unfair as it was foul.
In a moment of weakness, he had asked her frozen countenance where his angel went. That he thought they had promised each other forever. And she had simply said that his angel was dead. And that forever ended a long time ago.
At the time, it had hurt him more than anything ever did in his short life. Now, it just left him with a sense of yearning. A yearning for finding- yet again, his reason. He had been crushed after he and Raven had broken up. But he would never forget her. The memories of sunsets and dragonflies would always remain with him. And these were what you called forever. He had loved her more than life itself. And he had been loved in return. Looking back, that was more than most people could say.
You're wrong, Raven. He thought. Angels don't die. They just fly away.
And then the flying fairies started singing as a light chuckle invaded their domain, the first one in a long while.
He stood there, on the edge of the roof, surveying the world around him. The sun beaming like a proud god from way up high, renewing some things in blessed radiance, letting others die in cold shadow.
Robin smiled as he watched the sea gulls fly around the tower, making him wish that he could one day just fly away like that, free from all the pain of living, of loving. But until then, he would just have to fight. For others, the rest of the world, and for himself.
A few floors below, a young woman with indigo eyes rimmed red with unshed tears opened her door and picked up the gift she knew she would find there. A simple red rose, thorns making the flower beautiful. As her hands traced the soft petals, she found a note attached on the floor, previously tucked under the thing she now held in her hand. As apprehension flooded her mind, she read it. A small smile breaking her stoic expression as she mouthed the words written by the first person she had ever loved and set free. Two simple words, meaning more to her than any flowery poetry or tear streaked letter ever would.
Thank You.
Valentine's Day. Dancing stars and mocking fairies. Melancholy sea gulls and judgmental suns. Some, blooming like iced rain for love found, others shedding stained-glass tears in jagged regret. Once a year, this day comes, a milestone signifying the end of the cold, bitter winter of pain and the beginning of a spring that will fade away into golden autumn. Beautiful songs filling the air with sweet thoughts before dying, only to be replaced by new ones- but never to be forgotten. All this reminding them of what this day was:
A celebration.
"There is no Dulcinea, She is only flame and air.
But how lovely life would seem,
If every man could weave a dream,
To save him from despair.
To each his Dulcinea, though she's only flame and air."
-Don Quixote
Notes: So, what do you think? Feedback is much loved. Thanks so much for reading. Just e-mail me if you want to read the unedited version.