Meddling Affairs

by Al Kristopher

Once upon a time, the members of the STNJ were invited to the reopening of a state park—one that had been declared off limits due to recent Witch activity. But now it was believed to be free, the public wanted to flock there again. If nothing else, the STNJ was there to oversee the opening and make sure it was completely safe. They pooled together in a big van, remaining icily mute the whole time.

"I won't do it," snorted Sakaki bluntly. "I'm not going to go along with it."

"We need the money," said Karasuma in defeat. "Ever since our contract expired with the normal program, we've all had to take odd jobs here and there just to get by. You think I like this any more than you? At least you and Dojima have the easy parts."

"Easy!" she yelled. "Ya call this easy?"

"Settle down, all of you," sighed Michael, who really had the worst part. "Robin and I have it the roughest, so be glad you're not in our position."

"Don't worry," stated Sakaki, "we are." Dojima changed the subject quickly, though probably by curiosity and not intention.

"Hey, has anyone seen Amon? He's not with us today."

"He told me that this assignment was 'beneath him'," replied Karasuma coolly. "Personally, I agree with him. We shouldn't have taken it. Our reputations would—"

"But as you said, Miss Karasuma, we need the money." Sakaki gave her a smug smile, which was returned flatly. He had her there.

"Oh, very well. …Robin," she said after a pause, "you've not said much on the way here. Is something the matter?" Robin, less spaced out than normal, closed her eyes and shook her head. Then she cleared her throat. She drew in a breath and spoke.

"I hope we don't get a flat tire before we get there…"

"Or run out of gas," added Michael nonchalantly. His voice sounded afar. Karasuma blinked questionably.

"Hmm? Robin, that's not something you normally concern yours—"

POP! BOOM! As if on cue, which it was, the van simultaneously ran out of gas and blew a tire. Michael rolled his eyes and determined that it was a good time as any to start the whole ordeal.

"Well, here goes nothing," he whispered quietly. Then, "Like, we just had to open our big mouths, Rob!" Then, Robin took a bigger breath. It was time to do their duty.

"Yeah, yeah!"

"Well, come on, gang!" blurted Sakaki loudly, perhaps reluctant to be "left behind". "Let's go take a look outside! Maybe there's a garage nearby!" He hopped out the van and led the way, with all but the two older girls staying.

"I can't believe I let myself be talked into this!" exclaimed Karasuma sharply. The younger woman gave a shrug of defeat and smiled.

"Yeah, well, what can ya do? The STNJ is nearly flat broke and hunting Witches isn't what it used to be!" Together they left the van as well, cleared their throats, and resigned themselves to their "assignments".

"Like, the van's not gonna go anywhere!" shrieked Michael in panic. "We're trapped here, man!"

"Don't worry, Mike!" said Sakaki. "I'm sure we could walk wherever we're going! Hey gang, let's go split up and-"

"No, no!" Dojima interceded suddenly and gave him a stern look. "You don't say that yet! In fact, you don't have any lines at all! It's mine and Miho's turn for awhile, then everything pans back to Robin and Michael for comic relief!"

"Eh, I told you this wasn't going to work!" he grumbled. "Look at me! I'm wearing an ascot! I never wear an ascot!" Sakaki yanked on the hideous necktie and pulled it off, throwing it to the ground before performing the coup de gras with his foot.

"You put that back right now!" screamed Dojima. "We're not getting paid unless you have that ascot, I act like a mindless ditz—"

"(Watch how hard that is,)" whispered Michael to Robin. She just blinked in confusion.

"…and Michael, Miho, and Robin say their lines! Now put it on!"

"Oh yeah? Make me!" Dojima growled, but instead of putting up a fight, she calmed down quickly and decided to play it cool. Her trump card was more lethal, anyway.

"All right, you win, Sakaki. We'll just go to conventions from now on!"

"I'll put the ascot on," he grumbled. She grinned and left him to stoop down and wipe the necktie off; Michael sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"Anyway, where were we?"

"I think we were going down this path, looking for help," pointed Robin. Karasuma and Michael each gave her a look, and she quickly realized what she was doing wrong. "Huh? Oh, are we all back into character? Well… I guess I shouldn't have answered. Or if I should, could a better response have been… 'I dunno, Sakaki!'?"

"Who cares?" grumbled he, straightening the muddy tie. Karasuma managed to smirk.

"Hm, well, I think I was going to say that it'd be a good idea to go down this road and look for help—and if we don't have any more interruptions, we'll get there just fine." Everyone agreed to this, and so in spite of the humiliation it brought, they were all desperate enough to bite the bullet and walk on. Soon, on cue, a pair of white lights appeared before them. Robin suddenly gave a shriek and leaped into Michael's shaking arms.

"Yikes!"

"I-it's a monster!" he yelped. Karasuma didn't need to pretend to be irritated.

"Oh, calm down you two. It's probably just the headlights on a car." Sure enough, a beaten-up old Cadillac drove past their way, the driver leaning his head out to get a look at the wanderers.

"You kids going this way?" he asked. Sakaki took control.

"Yes sir. We're going to the newly-reopened park."

"Uh, best if you just turn around and go the other way! Folk around here say that there's a haunted house not too far from here."

"Like, haunted?" shrieked Michael.

"Yeah, haunted!" shrieked Robin.

"Sir, I'm sure we won't even come across this house on our way, but we'll be sure to keep a look out the same." The driver muttered and continued driving, leaving the five members of STNJ to stand in the growing darkness again. Dojima didn't even need to act to sound amazed.

"A haunted house? Looks like we've got our work cut out for us!"

"If we run into it," remarked the self-appointed leader. "Come on! We'll never make it if we don't hurry!" The gang quietly agreed and followed him, Michael and Robin slacking behind a bit.

"Like, oh boy, Rob," lamented one. "I'll bet you dollars to donuts that we find some brand new way to investigate that haunted house, and then it's another mystery for us!"

"But I don't want to go in a haunted house, Michael!" she yelped.

"Like, neither do I! But considering the gang's reputation, it's almost certain!" Robin letdown a big comic gulp, and followed her friends in spite of the "danger".

…………

It seemed luck was against Robin and Michael, for the haunted house which they so badly wanted to avoid was just a few steps and a scene change away. The two of them shivered in their shoes, teeth chattering and all, at the sight of the large, haunting abode. Sakaki got one look at it and smiled.

"Wow! That must be it! Hey, gang! What say we go inside and solve the mystery of why it's haunted!"

"We can't just do that," replied an irritated Dojima. "We have to have an excuse to go inside. Technically speaking, none of us actually want to go inside a haunted house."

"Like, you can say that again, Dojima!" yelped Michael.

"Yeah, yeah!" agreed Robin. Suddenly, a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder shook the skies, and it began to rain. Everyone more or less groused at Dojima.

"…What?" she said sheepishly. "Oh, so you think I made it rain?"

"Like, it wasn't us who opened our mouths!" remarked Michael.

"Yeah, yeah! Not us!" Dojima sighed.

"Fine. So now we have an excuse. Well, I guess any place is better than getting wet." She and Sakaki led the group forward, into the last place Michael and Robin apparently wanted to go into. It was really humiliating, though, especially since they had been in places far more frightening than that!

"Hello?" called Sakaki, letting his voice echo through the dark, dreary house. "Hello? Is anybody here? Is this a haunted house?"

"Sakaki! You never ask a thing like that!"

"Why are you on my case anyway, Yurika?" he wondered. "We're supposed to be, quote, 'better than chummy' in this scenario, like Robin and Michael, only more so."

"Chummy?" mimed Robin. She looked at Michael and scratched her head, still in character. Michael shrugged.

"Like, I guess they mean they're supposed to be like best buds or something, right Rob?"

"I dunno."

"Come on, everybody, let's not hang around here for long." Karasuma was right—

"Miss Karasuma's right," said Sakaki. Yes… She was right; the group had to go further in. However, they did not go too far when they were stopped by a haunting apparition! A ghostly figure suddenly floated before them, moaning and wailing from beyond the… beyond. Or wherever.

"Ugghh… get out now… get out… Go back to where you came from, and never come back!"

"Like, that's the best advice I've heard all day!" shrieked Michael. He and Robin leaped in the air, turned around, and would've scurried back home had not their friends, ever loyal, grabbed them by the scruff of their necks and stopped them.

"Quit being so childish, you two," said Karasuma wearily. "It's obviously some projection. There's no such thing as ghosts."

"Then what was that?" asked Robin. Karasuma grumbled.

"Probably yet another attempt by a badly-disguised villain to scare wanderers away from whatever secret they're after."

"Karasuma!" Sakaki quickly slapped his hands over her mouth, looking more frightened than Robin or Michael. "Jeez, and Dojima gets on my case! You're not supposed to reveal the whole plot of this thing until later, or not at all!" She gruffly pulled his hands away and snorted.

"All right, all right. Well, what should we do? We've figured out that there's something here that doesn't want us here, but we don't know why. I say we look around and—"

"Meddle?" suggested Dojima happily. Karasuma almost snickered.

"Uh, yes. Let's. I'll go with Sakaki and Robin; Dojima, you team up with Michael for awhile."

"Ahem!" Karasuma looked to Sakaki, took an irritated breath, and grumbled.

"Sorry, Sakaki. I forgot this is your line."

"Don't worry!" he sang with scalding happiness. "You'll get your chance soon! Anyway… gang, let's split up! Miss Karasuma, you go with Mike and Rob. Dojima, you come with me."

"It's always the same arrangement every single time," remarked Yurika dryly as she left with Sakaki. "I actually liked Miho's idea better. It really wouldn't kill us to try it a little differently, would it?" Miho Karasuma smiled faintly as she watched the two bicker and walk away, then returned her attention to Michael and Robin. They looked bored, frankly, at least until they remembered what exactly they were doing.

"Well, are you two ready?"

"I suppose so," he said warily. Poor Michael rolled his eyes and remedied, "Like, I mean, we sure aren't, but I guess we have no choice! Right, Rob?"

"Yeah, yeah! …You know," she added under her breath, "I really wish I had been given amore interesting dialogue. This really isn't…" Michael sympathized and patted her shoulder.

"I know, I know. This will all be over soon."

…………

"Let's look in here," suggested Karasuma. Michael and Robin were frightful of looking into new places—after all, something could be hiding in there, waiting to spring out and "get" them—but the sign on the door sent their cares scattering.

"Like, looky here, Rob! It's a kitchen! This haunted house has something going for it after all!" Robin smiled broadly and licked her lips at the thought of all that food, and actually beat Karasuma inside. She took little notice of them and began searching for clues; they went straight for the cabinets.

"There's gotta be some grub around here!" stated Michael as he opened cabinet doors. His search proved to be in vain, for only cobwebs and dust stocked the kitchen. "Say Rob," he called while looking in the high places, "why don't you take a peek in that refrigerator and see if there's something there?"

"Okay, Michael!" Robin opened it up, and jumped in the air in exclamation as she faced a scary zombie chef!

"Yikes!" Robin quickly slammed the door on the zombie chef and blocked it shut with her shivering body. Michael noticed and walked over.

"Like, what's the problem, Rob? Is something there?"

"You don't wanna know," she warned him. He merely scoffed.

"Oh, I bet it's just some bad cheese." Confidently, he swung open the fridge door and smiled. "See? It's just the Creepy Cook. …The Creepy Cook? Zoinks!" Michael slammed the door behind him and ran away, legs scrambling in mid-air and arms stretched out before him. Robin followed, with the Creepy Cook (recently released from the fridge) following close behind. Karasuma, engrossed with the forensics of the kitchen, was completely passed over. She saw the trio rush outside into the main hallway, sighed, and put her gathered clues away.

"Well, I guess there was no avoiding this…" Carefully, she poked her head outside, but once she stepped all the way through, the trio bumped right into her! All four of them crashed to the ground, leaving everyone disoriented.

"Like, what a ride, eh Rob?"

"Michael!" she screamed, bolting upright. "The Creepy Cook's still here!" The Creepy Cook stood up and growled furiously, brandishing meat cleavers in each hand. Karasuma, who had received the brunt of the "attack", stood up stiffly as she realized something was amiss.

"Hold on! My glasses! I can't see without them!"

"You don't wear glasses," said Robin quietly, suddenly getting out of character. She presented her own pair and showed them to her. "I'm the only one who wears them, other than Michael. Really, it would make more sense if either of us were to say that."

A pause. Robin sighed.

"Yikes!" She squirmed to her feet and ran away, Michael and Miho following. The Creepy Cook soon was on their tail, growling and muttering bad puns about how he would cook the intruders. He chased them deep into one of the thousands of hallways, sending Karasuma blasting through one door and Michael and Robin through the other. They quickly slammed the door behind them and stood against it, weathering the banging the Creepy Cook made on the other side. Finally, it stopped.

"Like, I guess he gave up, eh Rob?" Robin agreed and wiped her forehead in relief. A few scenes over, a familiar hand pulled a lever, sending Michael and Robin (in their scene) suddenly sliding down a… slide that had opened suddenly in their room.

"What are the odds?" muttered Michael casually. He and Robin grabbed hold of each other and screamed all the way down, landing safely in a large metal container.

"What a ride!" gasped Robin.

"Like, you can say that again, Rob! Hmm… wonder where we are. And something sure smells good!" Robin sniffed the air, agreeing with her companion. Suddenly, as the two of them turned around, they saw the Creepy Cook throwing spices and vegetables on them. They were sitting in a cooking pot!

"YIKES!" They leaped out and scurried away before the Creepy Cook could simmer them any further, and the chase was on again!

…………

"So what do we do once we're alone?"

"I haven't a clue. Maybe we just sit and wait for the comic relief to come by. Sometimes we might get into trouble, but not nearly as much as Michael or Robin would…"

"Ssst! Sakaki! We're back!" Sakaki jerked around and gave a startled shriek.

"D'uh! Uh, right! (Ahem) Well, Dojima, uh… what clues have you uncovered today?"

"Well, Sakaki, I found a used ashtray, an old clock radio, a cup, several tires, five fish bones—"

"And a partridge in a pear tree."

"I hate that song!"

"Sorry, couldn't help it." Dojima sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Hm? What's wrong, Yurika?"

"You just had to butt in with that awful joke!"

"It wasn't me." Sakaki shrugged, leaving Dojima to really wonder. She suddenly got chills as she turned around slowly, and saw the Creepy Cook right behind her! And he had a butcher knife!

"Sakaki…!"

"Yeah, I know," he grumbled. "The Chase Scene, right? (sigh) Well, it's better than conventions." Poor Sakaki resigned himself to his fate, jumped in the air, and ran with Dojima as the Crazy Cook stomped after them. Wait a minute—can this guy be in two places at once?

"Three places!" shouted Karasuma, who was also being chased by him. "I'm assuming… this can be explained… at a later time!"

Karasuma ran into a hallway with six different doors, diving into one with the Creepy Cook following her. At her heels were Michael, Robin, and Creepy Cook 1; behind them were Sakaki, Dojima, and 3. Michael and Robin burst out of one door, with Sakaki and the Creepy Cook chasing them, followed by Karasuma and Dojima. They came out another, with Creepy Cook chasing Robin, and Michael and Sakaki chasing Karasuma. Soon Michael chased Robin, as Creepy Cook chased Dojima and Karasuma, while Sakaki ran from Creepy Cook. Robin was chasing Michael, who chased Karasuma into chasing the Creepy Cook, then Sakaki chased Creepy Cook and Dojima while Michael, Creepy Cook, and Dojima chased Robin. Robin and Creepy Cook chased Dojima, Karasuma, and Michael, and Sakaki and Creepy Cook chased Robin, Sakaki, Dojima, Creepy Cook, and Robin. The Creepy Cook chased everybody, who chased Robin and Dojima, then Karasuma chased Dojima, Robin, Karasuma, Creepy Cook, and Michael, who was chasing Sakaki, then Bob Dole chased Robin who chased Yogi Bear and Darth Vader as Sakaki, Robin, Steve McQueen and Dojima chased Robin, Creepy Cook, Batman, and Ron Howard, until Creepy Cook chased everyone back out the hallway.

Whew!

As the gang ran out into the hallway, with Creepy Cook following them (mysteriously, only one), Dojima skidded to a halt. She held out her hands, effectively stopping the Creepy Cook as well. Then, as her comrades did before her, she performed her part with only half a heart.

"(Ahem) Wow! You look like you could use some makeup! Here!" She quickly slapped his face with a puff full of powder, sending a fit of coughs racking through his lungs. The Creepy Cook, used to having powdery products poured on his face, wiped it off and growled.

"Well, so much for that idea!" Dojima quickly ran and tried to regain her composure as the Creepy Cook followed her. Karasuma, feeling that the STNJ had worked for its wages, decided to stop everything quickly.

"Oh for the love of… let me!" She stopped and stuck her foot out, tripping the Creepy Cook mightily! It flew through the air and smashed right through a wall, paralyzing it indefinitely!

"Hey, not bad!" grinned Sakaki. "But don't Michael and Robin usually solve these cases?"

There was an understandably awkward pause.

"This is a 'special' moment when somebody else gets to have the glory," managed poor Miho. Sakaki nodded his head and guided the gang over to where their villain of the week was. Before they all went for the unmasking ceremony, however, Michael stopped Miho.

"Hold on a second, Miss Karasuma. I believe we still have the matter of our catch phrases…"

"Oh, please… Michael, don't you think we've suffered enough indignity? Dojima's had to act like an idiot, Sakaki has to wear an ascot, I can't imagine what poor Robin's going through, and now you're asking me to say my line? No wonder Amon didn't participate!" Impatiently, Michael frowned, crossed his arms, and tapped his foot on the floor.

"Miss Karasuma… I said my line. Once, yes, but it counted."

"Well I didn't hear it, and I won't say mine until I hear yours." Michael took a big sigh, gritted his teeth, and resigned himself one more time to humiliation.

"…Zoinks," he murmured. Karasuma didn't look much happier. "…Well!"

"Oh, fine: Jinkies. There. Are we happy?"

"Yes, we're happy. Come on. Let's get this over with. Personally, though, I'd rather have an enema than go through with this again."

"That," said Miho as she followed Michael into the next room, "was a little more information than I needed."

…………

"Hey gang! Look! We caught the bad guy!"

"We know, Sakaki."

"Hey, I don't enjoy this any more than any of you," he muttered bitterly. "Let's just get this over with so we can get paid. (Ahem!) Now to see who it really is!" Sakaki removed the fake rubber mask off the Creepy Cook's head, and gasped as he saw…

"Amon!"

Bum bum bummm!

"But we thought you weren't participating in this," said Karasuma. As usual, Amon gave them a dirty look.

"I wasn't, but you left me no choice. I knew I had to get the STNJ back to its normal job, and since you all were so desperate, I thought this was the only way. I'm only going to say this once: forget doing anything else, at least anything this demeaning. Even Sakaki deserves better."

"Yeah," he sighed humbly, "I'm just the butt of every joke." Amon scowled quietly, and kept his tongue for so long that Michael began to grow concerned.

"Amon!"

"Hmm?"

"Your line!" he hissed. Amon turned away and stared at the wall.

"I will say nothing." Luckily, Karasuma covered for Amon quickly, in her usual professional manner. The STNJ was so lucky to have her.

"I'm sure you would've gotten away with… whatever you were doing," she said placidly, "that is, if it weren't for us meddling kids."

"Kids?"

"It's just an expression," she replied. Everyone took a large breath of relief, Dojima helping Amon to his feet.

"So is it over?" asked Dojima.

"Uh, not quite," replied Michael. "We still need the comical ending. Speaking of which, where's Robin?" Everyone looked around for the title character, and decided that since it was a comical ending, they'd check the kitchen. As they walked in, they found Robin stuffing herself with cake.

"Robin! You were supposed to save room for your Robin Snacks!"

"Uh… Robby-Robby… Roo?" As she sat there awkwardly, face plastered with frosting, everyone (except Amon) broke out in bad laughter.

Five days later, the STNJ lost all their money in a lawsuit filed by Hanna-Barbara.

The End