As Artie and Marge arrived in a limousine at the entrance to their lavish mansion, a manservant approached to carry in their luggage. "Did anything exciting happen while we were gone?" Artie questioned him.
"Some neighborhood boys tried to climb over the fence," the servant replied in a refined British accent. "The Dobermans chased them away. Other than that, nothing remarkable."
"Good show, Winston," Artie complimented him. The millionaire stood on his toes to kiss his wife, and the couple proceeded into the spacious house.
They employed no chef, as Marge loved to cook and was extremely good at it. As she began to marinate a steak, Artie lounged in the den, reading a computer magazine. He had been out of step with technology in the old reality, and needed to catch up with the latest developments. Part of his brain tuned in to his wife's carefree humming, and wondered why they had no children. Too busy, I guess, he thought. But I'll soon remedy that.
His cell phone rang. He snapped it up from the end table and answered. "Artie Ziff here."
"Hello, Artie," came a woman's seductive voice. "It's me."
I don't know her, but she obviously knows me. She must be a business associate or a close friend, because no one else should have this number. I'll pretend to remember her.
"It's nice to hear from you," he said pleasantly.
"Who is it, Artie?" Marge asked idly.
"That sounded like your wife," said the strange woman on the phone. "You may want to get rid of her."
Artie's spine went cold. Surely what he suspected couldn't be true…
"Er, just a second," he said, rising and walking into the study. Marge watched curiously as he closed the door, sealing himself inside.
"She can't hear us now," he spoke into the phone. "So, what can I do for you?"
"Stop being so formal," the woman chided him. "You know what you can do for me—what you've already done for me. The last time we made love, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven."
Panic filled Artie's throat. "We…we made l-love?" he stammered.
"We sure did," said the caller. "And now that you're back from Comdex, I want to do it again. I know a charming little spot overlooking the city. No one ever goes there this time of year."
It can't be true, Artie thought desperately. I can't have a mistress. I'd never cheat on Marge.
"You're being rather quiet," said the mysterious woman. "The last time you were this quiet was just before you broke up with me."
Artie fumbled for words, but horror had rendered him speechless.
"You know you love me, Artie," the woman said impatiently. "You know it was a mistake to marry Marge. You've told me so yourself on more than one occasion."
Pale from shock, Artie slowly folded up the cell phone. I'm a monster, he told himself.
"He hung up on me," said Mindy.
"Call him again," Homer urged her. The pair had gathered at Mindy's apartment after the close of business.
She dialed Artie Ziff's personal number one more time. No answer came, so she left an earnest voice message. "Please call me back, Artie. I love you. I can't live without you."
Homer kissed her gratefully on the cheek. "That was a superb acting job," he commended her.
Mindy rose and stared firmly at him. "I've kept my end of the bargain," she stated. "Now let's you and me get hitched."
Hurry up, Artie, thought Homer anxiously. Tell Ozmodiar you've changed your mind.
"Er, yes," he said to Mindy. "Yes, I will marry you."
Overwhelmed by delight, the red-headed safety inspector threw herself into Homer's arms. "You've made me the happiest woman on Earth," she gushed. "I can't wait to tell the family."
Then she kissed him. Think unsexy thoughts, he ordered himself, but the passion was too strong to resist, and he was soon returning her kisses with equal fervor.
They hurried giddily from the apartment. Their first destination was the Springfield Retirement Castle, where Homer's father was overjoyed by the news of their engagement.
"Oh, my heart…my heart…" he gasped, clutching at his chest and throat.
"Snap out of it, Dad!" pleaded Homer as he supported the old man's back.
Abe Simpson shortly regained his composure. "I'm all right now," he assured his son. "For a moment I thought I'd heard you say you were getting married."
"We are getting married," said Homer.
Abe's knees buckled. "There it goes again," he choked out, tumbling backwards.
"It's no use," Jasper told Homer. "He's been keeping himself alive for this moment."
"Now I can die," mumbled Abe as a nurse carted him away in a wheelchair.
Once they were sure that the old man would pull through, Homer and Mindy raced through the neighborhood, alerting their relatives and friends, who congratulated them warmly.
"Well, that's just fine and dan-diddly-andy," Ned Flanders enthused. "Marriage is the most wonderful thing that can happen to two people—provided they're a man and a woman."
"When's it gonna be ol' Gil's turn to walk down the aisle?" said Gil bitterly.
"You've walked down the aisle four times already," Mindy reminded him.
"Ol' Gil's got plenty o' practice," Gil joked.
"Don't open it until the wedding," said the Crazy Cat Lady, handing them a gift-wrapped box with small holes in the sides.
"Let me know whether you want your first child to be a boy or a girl," said Professor Frink.
Evening had fallen by the time Mindy returned to her apartment with her fiancé in tow. There was no doubt left—in spite of himself, Homer was in love with her. He struggled to keep Marge and the children at the front of his mind, but they were fading quickly.
I may as well enjoy this new life, he thought darkly. Artie didn't fall for my deception. He's still married to Marge, and he will be forever.
"I've got beer and donuts," said Mindy eagerly. "And Stargate: British Columbia is on."
My only hope is to swallow my pride—mmm, pride—and beg Artie to give up Marge. If there's even a little bit of good in him…hey, did she say beer and donuts?
By the time they had devoured a box of donuts, downed a six-pack of Duff, and enjoyed the TV program, they were entwined in each other's arms.
"I love you so much, Homer," said Mindy in a dulcet tone.
"And I love you, Mindy," was Homer's response. I'll break her heart if I back out now.
They kissed as if the world was ending, and then Mindy rose and started to unfasten her buttons.
Omigod, thought Homer frantically. She wants to do it! I can tell from her face, and the fact that she's taking off her dress! Focus, Homer…Marge…the kids…oh, what's the use? They're gone!
His heart pounded as Mindy's dress sank to the floor. And she's…so beautiful…
Marge had already removed her dress, and changed into a nightgown. She noticed with some concern that her husband Artie was staring dolefully at the ceiling, as if he had suffered a trauma. "What's wrong, dear?" she inquired.
Artie didn't answer for a moment. Then he turned his head, and she saw that his eyes had become moist.
"Our life together is a lie, Marge," he confessed. "You were supposed to marry Homer Simpson, but I stole you from him."
Marge shot him an incredulous look. "Why all this talk about Homer Simpson? I would've forgotten him entirely, if you hadn't brought him up."
Artie sat up, and tears trickled down his cheeks. "I'm not worthy of you, Marge. I'm a selfish, evil man. I thought having you by my side would be enough to make me happy, but I was wrong." He lowered his head in shame. "I'm…I'm unfaithful."
Marge's mouth fell open. "What?" she exclaimed in outrage. "Not again!"
Again?
"You mean I've cheated on you before?" The thought was too much for Artie to endure.
"You didn't get back together with that model, did you?" said Marge accusingly.
"That's it!" Artie bellowed angrily. "OZMODIAR!"
The little green alien materialized before him as he leaped out of the bed.
"Yes, master?"
"I've learned my lesson," said Artie meekly but firmly. "Make things the way they were before."
"As you wish," said Ozmodiar.
"Oh, Mindy…oooh, Mindy, Mindy…"
Homer's ecstasy was harshly interrupted by an offended voice. "Homer, wake up! I'm not Mindy!"
His eyelids flew open. He was in bed, and a woman was in his arms—this much he had expected. What surprised him was the eighteen-inch nightcap on the woman's head.
"Waugh!" he screamed. "Marge!"
"You were expecting Mindy, maybe?"
As his indignant wife glowered at him, Homer started to put the pieces together. Marge is in bed with me…that means we're still married…which means my plan worked…
Relief washed over him. Pulling his arms away from Marge, he thrust them into the air with a triumphant "WOO-HOO!"
"You never say 'woo-hoo' after making love to me," Marge complained.
By now Homer was racing in circles around the bedroom, chanting, "I'm married again! I'm married again!"
As Marge sat up and stretched, Homer grabbed her head and laid a deep, grateful kiss on her lips. He then departed the room and hurried up the stairway, anxious to be reunited with his three children.
"Lisa! I'm so happy to see you again!"
"Dad!" grumbled Lisa, trying in vain to squirm out of his bear hug.
"Maggie! I thought I'd lost you forever!"
"Urgh," whined the infant as her father's grip tightened.
"Good morning, Bart."
"Morning, Homer."
As the family assembled for breakfast, Homer regaled them with a full account of his terrible nightmare, minus a few salacious details.
"Sounded to me like you and Mindy were having a good time," Marge ribbed him.
"I shudder to imagine how I would have turned out with Mindy Simmons as my mom," said Lisa.
"Here are your pancakes," said Marge, setting a plate before her.
"Mmm…pancakes," Lisa salivated.
"So, Lis," said Bart, "when are you gonna invite your blind boyfriend over?"
"Can't talk," Lisa mumbled. "Eating."
Santa's Little Helper trotted into the kitchen, carrying the morning edition of the Springfield Shopper in his mouth. While Homer unrolled it, Bart's eye was caught by a disturbing headline.
"Fortunately, Artie Ziff is in prison, where he can't possibly hurt us," Marge remarked.
"Ay caramba!" Bart cried out.
All eyes turned to the boy. "What is it?" asked Lisa.
Bart pointed at the newspaper with a quivering finger.
"Sideshow Bob has been paroled!"
Indeed, Sideshow Bob was at that moment standing on the doorstep of Edna Krabappel's house, bidding farewell to the teacher. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," the wild-haired former prisoner remarked.
In response, Edna leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek, causing him to blush.
"There'll be more where that came from," she promised him, "once Bart Simpson is dead."
Coming soon: Springfield Springs Forward III