Authors Note
I have been a fan since the release of book one and decided my first attempt at Darren Shaw fanfic would be a harmless one-shot fluff about my favourite Cirque du Freak character , Mr. Larten Crepsley. This is in no way mocking the novels real characters. Enjoy.

Title: Cirque Du Pants
Genre: Parody
Type: One Shot
Set near the beginning of Hunters of the Dusk

Cirque Du Pants

The murky sky loomed over Vampire Mountain that morning, the deep plums and gold's of bruised human skin. Ordinarily I, Darren Shan, may have thought this was an omen of horrific events to come, but I never gave it a second thought after all I had seen in the time of my metamorphosis.

I awaited the arrival of my companion mentor, Larten Crepsley. The last time I had seen him he had been stumbling, half asleep into his coffin, and we had briefly made plans to meet the following morning, to set out in search of vampaneze and their newly recruited vampets.

"Have you seen?" I asked Harkat Mulds. Harkat's wide, lidless eyes dimmed.

"'Fraid not Darren." He replied.

I had always admired the aloof Larten Crepsley, from the scar his face bore, to the danger he had faced over years of being a vampire. I had also come to respect his invasiveness, understanding it came of the territory of spending so much time with him. Of course, I would never actually tell him of my admiration-I wasn't giving that satisfaction of him knowing I greatly adored the man, after all the good and bad things I'd seen. After our bumpy beginning when he had first blooded me and made me his assistant, I had despised him and he had been fully aware of it...

"Well, he is supposed to meet me. We have a duty to fulfill."

"Should I...go fetch him?" Harkat asked meekly. He didn't always stall for words, only occasionally by habit, or when he was agitated.

"No, we'll wait."

I sometimes wondered if Mr. Crepsley...somehow envied me. There he was-a respected full vampire who had surely proved himself, yet the very boy he had blooded at such a young age by chance, had become a prince.

He still had not arrived...I supposed he must have been embarrassed about the man-to-man conversation that had taken place earlier that night. He had helped himself hardily to the ale, but had not been drunk. There was no reason he couldn't have remembered the discussion.

"So Creps, growing up as a dashing young vampire. You must have been somehow like other men."

"I do not understand where you are going with this..." He replied reluctantly, his brow furrowed.

"You know. Like other men. Humans. With urges, needs...desires."

He shook his head slowly as if pretending he couldn't possibly be following me.

"Have any crushes?"I finally blurted.

"Darren!"

"Well?"

He pulled at his collar and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He cleared his throat.

"Well...there was this one girl. But she was not a vampire. And it was a very long time ago." He added hastily.

Debbie Hemlock shot through my mind, abruptly yet vividly.

"That's a great excuse, sir. Was she good looking?"

He spat out a mouthful of drink. Then trying to maintain his cool, "She was...very what's the word? Hot." He joked, though using his precise manner of speaking, enunciating each and every syllable. I tossed back my head laughing. He tried.

"What about your intimate life? Any tips for an inexperienced young vampire?"

"Darren." He had hissed warningly.

Yes. He was without a doubt, standing me up because he was embarrassed.

"Are you nervous?" Harkat asked. I had begun to gnaw at my chewed down fingernails.

"No." I lied. I was apprehensive, but only slightly. As a half-vampire I had been through a mountain of adventures, mostly which I had pulled through by the skin of my teeth. I had lost my hair, and counted enough cuts and bruises to last even a vampire's lifetime. Just recently my hair had fully grown back, when I had thought I would be bald for the rest of time.

"What is he doing?" I cursed under my breath. "It's not like he has that much to do!" I thought of Mr. Crepsley prepping-wearing a leather jacket and running a comb through his crop of orange hair, and almost laughed out loud.

I was feeling slightly worried now...It wasn't like Mr. Crepsley to be so tardy. Maybe something real bad had happened. It wasn't that uncommon.

"I think I'm going to go find him myself."

Harkat nodded in agreement, and the tiny creature followed as I headed towards the wing which held his 'sleeping quarters'. He could do the coffin thing, I found myself more at home in my hammock. Must be that human still left in me.

I passed a few honourable vampires I knew who nodded in contentment and respect. Sometimes I still found it hard to believe I was a vampire prince.

"Have you seen Crepsley?" I asked one, whose name I had long forgotten and didn't have the pride to ask him again.

"No, sorry." The unknown vampire apologized with a shrug.

I hightailed it to the sleeping quarters.

"...are you decent?" I called out in the stone chamber. No reply. Frowning, I made my way inside. "Mr. Crepsley?"

"Darren!" I heard a man's voice raise in pitch, a shriek- much as a man could without his voice completely cracking. I whirled around but it was too late.

"CREPSLEY!" I roared, shielding my eyes from the sight more painful then sun. There the vampire stood, his pants gathered around his bony white ankles, wearing nothing but a black blouse and his underwear. The tiny underwear was black, speckled with blood red polka dots (how on earth had he found himself underwear like that? He's a bloody vampire-no pun intended). I had definitely caught him at a bad time. "What are you doing?"

"I was dressing before you so rudely barged in." He snapped. His orange hair had been slicked back away from his eyes and although he had woken up late, I still blamed him for me walking in on him half dressed.

"Turn away." He ordered. I realized I was still there, face to face with a half dressed Mr. Crepsley. Yet I still stood there, unable to move as if in shock. Maybe I'd gone into a coma. "Turn away!"

With his trousers up, I still found myself unable to look him in the eye. We stood only two feet apart, avoiding stares.

Harkat finally broke down into giggles at the obviously awkward tension between vampires. I had spent a long time with Crepsley. Through low downs and high ups, but never had I seen him so..personally. So vulnerable, so...humanlike. It had been something I'd never wanted to experience. Perhaps we should have been more comfortable with each other, but I had been entirely caught off guard.

"Alright...yes I suppose I am ready now. Prepared to...Set off?" He cleared his throat, his flushed cheeks untameable.

"Uh...ready as I'll...probably ever be." I replied, swallowing the lump in my throat.

"Right." He retorted weakly.

"Yeah..." I trailed off.

"So, you first sire?"

"No you...I uh...insist."

"Well then..." He smoothed back his hair. "Alright."

He whipped a thick red cloak around his shoulders, his face red.

When I really thought about it, though humiliating and terribly awkward on both parties, it suddenly struck me as hilarious.. I couldn't contain myself from playing it up.

"My, my Larten, where did you get that underwear? 'The Naughty Vamp'?" I snickered. "Perhaps an old flame...Maybe Evanna?"

"Darren!" Crepsley's eyes glowered.

"What? All I meant was that I'd like a pair for myself."

He huffed and flounced away, his long cape cascading out behind him.

Harkat was engulfed with laughter the entire time, chortling into his hand."Cirque...Cirque du Non Pants."

"Harkat!" We yelled in unison.

"Pants a lot!" Mr. Crepsley scowled with the fires of hell in his eyes and roared. "Thanks a lot."

Cirque Du Non Pants...I'd have to remember that one.