Disclaimer: This story was written by my roommate and I at periods of time on the darker side of 2 AM. Therefore we cannot be held responsible for anything. We admit that this is most definitly not our best writing, but oh well, we don't dare change anything.
We also do not own the following:
Harry Potter
Star Wars
Lord of the Rings
Animorphs
Ender's Game & Ender's Shadow
Treasure Island
The Wheel of Time
The Chronicles of Narnia
The Never-Ending Story
The Last Unicorn
Men in Black
And anything else that might appear...
"Hello, my name is Harry Potter."
"Hello, Harry," chanted the rest of the group.
Gandalf smiled and nodded at Harry. "Now, Harry, why don't you tell us how your problem began."
Harry sighed dramatically. "Well…" he said with another sigh. "It all began on a dark and stormy night, when there was a big motorcycle flying through the air—"
Gandalf groaned. "Harry, we've been over this before. Many times. Like we've been over it with everyone. For the love of all that is good, keep it short. We're trying to help you through your problems, not remind you of them." Sadly, I don't think this therapy is working out the way I thought it would.
The rest of the Heroes Anonymous group sighed. Being heroes, they liked to talk about their miserable lives—mostly about them.
Harry looked ready to burst into tears. "Okay, sorry. I know my life isn't important to you. But it's important to be, dang it! Basically, it's all because I'm an orphan, and I have to save the world, and no one loves me and I have no real family—"
Luke Skywalker started to sob. "I hear ya, man! No one understands!"
"Shut up, Luke!" Jake yelled. "At least you have a biological father!"
"Don't you?" Ender Wiggen asked curiously.
Jake shrugged. "Do such details matter?"
"Now, guys," Gandalf said. "Let's get back on topic. Harry here is trying to share with us all his pain."
Ender snickered. "You have no idea what pain is! None of you do! I'll show you real pain!" He jumped up from his folding chair, ready to duel.
"Back to Harry," Gandalf said stiffly. "We were concentrating on Harry. It's Harry's turn."
"It's always Harry's turn!" Susan cried. "What about my pain? I was so ignored!"
Gandalf passed Harry the tissues, praying the kid wouldn't attack anyone. "It's okay, son. Let it all out."
"What about me?" Susan, again.
"Susan, we talked about you last week. It's Harry's turn."
Susan sniffed, picked up her backpack, and walked outside to the vending machine to buy herself some comforting chocolate. Unfortunately, Rand Al'thor had already purchased the last Snickers.
Harry sniffled and blew his nose. "I'm sick and tired of being prophesied to defeat the Dark Lord. It's such a big responsibility. I'm only a little boy."
Ender rolled his eyes. "For crying out loud, you're almost sixteen! When I was half that age, I had already genocided an entire culture of aliens!"
"I hear ya, man!" Luke. Again.
Gandalf raised his hand. "Folks, can we concentrate on the meeting? Please?" This really wasn't working. "Now, Harry, continue."
But Harry didn't want to continue. "No. I'm sick and tired of having to do what everyone expects me to do while they just forget about me and all that I have to do!"
"Fine, Harry. We'll wait till next week. Who wants to go next?"
Everyone raised theirs hands. Except for Susan, who was still crying at the candy machine.
"Okay, Ender," Gandalf said as cheerfully as he could. "Since you seem to be the hostile one and Frodo has already retreated into a corner, you can go next."
Frodo muttered something from the corner, where he was rocking back and forth in fetal position.
Ender stood up in the most dignified manner he could summon. "Well, to begin with, I was unwanted child. Well, I was wanted by my family, but unwanted by a hostile futuristic society, and so I was born specifically to fight aliens. My mother sent me away at age six. I only saw she and the family on and off since then, and I was too old by then to care. I killed three boys and an entire nation of aliens. On accident. My soul has been blackened by despair, and I must purge it by decrying evil in the form of cheap eulogies." At which point he sat back down and smiled. Wickedly.
"Is that all?" Jim Hawkins whined. "Are we done yet?"
Gandalf clenched his teeth. "Yes, just about. Just hang on."
"Do you want to go swimming, Jim?" Edmund grinned. "In… water?"
Jim screamed like a little school girl and jumped onto his seat.
Suddenly Gandalf became… huge. And loud. And storm clouds filled the room. "I had it!" he screamed. "Next week, your therapy will be a quest! Because I'm sick of listening to you guys whine! And this will be good for you!"
All the heroes moaned in pain and staggered slowly out the door, groaning at the wickedness of the wizard.
"White wizard, my ass," Frodo muttered.
Susan continued to cry over the lost Snickers.
Meanwhile, at the pizza parlor, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were holding hands, gazing into one another's eyes with mutual fondness. Mat, Perin, and the Wonder Girls were discussing the movie they had just watched while munching on deep-dish pizza.
"Weren't you just shocked when that evil witch came out of the water?" Han Solo asked, bursting into their conversation.
Egwene nodded, amazed all over again. "Yeah… and she was so… huge! And scary! I thought the little mermaid would perish!"
Hermione smiled. "Love conquered all," then pushed Ron down on the bench and kissed him.
Bean came from the shoot-a-hoop game, breathless and clutching a huge teddy bear, which he gave to Lucy. "Lucy, I won this just for you!"
Lucy squealed happily.
Samwise Gamgee looked impressed. "I need to get one of those for my wife. Bean, do you think you can teach me some tricks with the hoop?"
At which point Bean started explaining, in very technical terms, how to put the basketball through the hoop every time.
Sam nodded and continued to smile, though he was clearly very confused.
Legolas said something in elfin and whooshed his long blonde hair. All the females sighed.
"Man, I wish I had a way with women like Legolas does," said Gimli.
"How do you think the others are doing in therapy?" Mat asked. "They haven't hung out with us in a while."
"I'm sure they're fine," Marco said. "They're heroes, they'll make it."
One week later…
"No!" Rand, Jake, Harry, Luke, Susan, Edmund, Ender, Frodo, and Jim screamed in unison. All they had found, upon arriving at the usual group therapy meeting place, was a map and a note on the board in Elvish runes.
"Frodo?" Rand called. "Can you read this?"
Frodo pulled out his handy-dandy pocket guide to elvish. "In order to win the treasure hunt—"
"Yay!" cried Jim.
"—You must gather the following items:
1. A cat.
2. A hat.
3. A princess (preferably blonde, luscious, and locked in a tower and/or dungeon.)
4. Bunnies.
5. Five golden rings.
6. A weapon to defeat an evil villain.
7. The ultimate piece of classic literature.
8. A half-eaten McDonald's hamburger with no ketchup locked in a Sketcher's shoebox at the top of the tallest tower in the city. Consult map if confused or lost.
9. Help one old woman across the street.
10. Plant a tree. It's Arbor Day.
11. Kill Little Red Riding Hood's wolf.
12. The One Ring.
At which point Frodo swooned into a faint.
Jake blinked. "Okay… Well, that doesn't sound too hard. Somebody grab Frodo and let's go."
Luke and Rand both started forward, stopped, and glared at each other.
"I wanna do it!" Luke shouted.
"No!" screamed Rand. "You're not strong enough! I'm the boss! I'm the oldest one here! Except for Frodo, but he's a wimp anyways. It's my job!"
Luke pulled out his light saber. "Wanna bet? I can make him lighter."
Yoda strolled past the open door on the way to the group therapy session he headed. "Beware the dark side, for destroy you it will."
Luke swore and threw his light saber across the room.
At which point Yoda chuckled and wandered off.
"I never get to kill anybody worth killing" Luke cried. "It's so hard to be the one to bring balance to the force." At which point he staggered over to where his light saber lay, picked it up, and clipped it to his belt.
"Can we go already?" Ender asked impatiently. "We could be spreading Galactic peace right now, but no! Some people are just too selfish to do the right thing immediately. They need a freakin' list!"
"And some people are just so self-righteous that they died with out me." Susan whined. "And I am hungry. The machine all week has been out of candy; Rand just has to have everything, doesn't he?"
Harry quickly hid his Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans behind his back.
"Lets go already," Jake and Jim said in unison. Jake demonstrated it by turning into a hawk and flying into a closed window.
"Luke, get the hawk." Rand picked up his sword and walked out, forgetting Frodo. The others followed Luke, who was carrying Jake the Hawk.
"Let's see," Rand said as soon as they were out of the community affairs building. "What should we do first?"
The heroes all kind of looked at each other.
"Which is the hardest thing?" asked Ender.
"The hamburger," Jim replied. "It sounds all detailed. So it's probably harder."
As that was excellent logic, everyone agreed. Now all they had to do was find the tallest building in the city. Fortunately for them, Gandalf had marked the building with a big red X.
"X marks the spot," Edmund said in a very lame joke.
"Arrrg," growled Jim. "That's not funny. I had… bad experiences on that island."
Susan giggled.
"It's not funny!"
"Yeah, it is. Everyone agrees with me, right?"
Everyone else nodded enthusiastically.
They walked up to the building. It was big. And tall. And its street number was 999.
Edmund and Susan screamed bloody murder. "That's the Devil's number upside down! It goes against all blatantly Christian symbolism book series!"
Jake and Harry rolled their eyes and strolled in, followed by the others. Rand finally had to drag the two siblings in.
A man sat reading his newspaper across from a giant fan. He didn't even look up as the group entered.
"We need to get to the top of this building," Luke said.
The man grumbled something. "To throw that hawk off?"
"No. There's a hamburger in a box up there!"
"Sure there is. Should I call the people in the white coats and tell them you want a ride?"
Rand sighed. "No, we're on a mission! We need to get up there! The voices tell me to!"
The man frowned. "You know, you're not helping your case."
So Susan threw herself flirtatiously at the man. "Please, sir! We really need to get up there."
The man pulled out a communication device. "J, I think you should really get down here. I think you should see these people."
The heroes smiled. Finally, they were getting somewhere.
A man in a black suit walked out of the elevator. The elevator that hadn't been there before. He frowned when he saw the group. "Who the hell are you?"
"We're to retrieve a hamburger," Ender said. "From the top of your building. Gandalf sent us. And I'll strangle you if you don't help us!"
"Well, that's not very nice. What are they teaching you kids in school these days? Obviously not manners."
"They teach us some things," Harry protested. "I can do, you know, math and stuff."
The man in the suit winked at the newspaper guy. "Sure. Come on, guys, it's time to leave."
"No, we can't!" Jim cried. "We have to get the hamburger!"
"I said, it's time to leave. And you can get that hawk out of here as well."
Luke said, "You will take us to the top floor," while waving his hand like an idiot in front of the man's face.
The man laughed. "You know, I think I just might… not. Because Jedi mind tricks do not work on me, because Jedis do not exist. They are simply figments of your imagination combined with gas reflecting from the light of Venus. What are you, geek fest?"
"You idiot, Luke," Rand muttered.
"Here," said the man. "Let me show you my mind trick." He pulled out a silver stick. "Now I want all of you to just look at the little red light…"
To Be Continued...