It seems like just another day of torture in the lives of Team 7. They are soon to be proved wrong. Gai's team and Kakashi's team both volunteer to help out at Konoha Nursing Home. With old people, yes. What results is a day that the unfortunate students will never forget, whether they like it or not…

Nursing Home Nightmares…

Prologue

A quiet morning. Plenty of fog and mist. The air was mysterious, filled with an atmosphere of anticipation. Just the way Sasuke liked it. Except there was just one thing he didn't like about this morning – namely the dancing species of ape in front of him known as "The Miraculous Dancing Ape Uzumaki Naruto."

"Woooohooo! Sasuke I am soooo gonna kick your butt in today's training! JUST WATCH ME!" Naruto whooped as he flexed his pathetic excuses of muscles. Sasuke snorted under his breath. Weren't there such things as natural muscle enhancement pills? Maybe he should recommend them to Naruto…

On second thought that would be much too nice of him.

"OH BABY I'm HOT TODAY!!!!" Naruto bounced around in his hyper-active state, pausing every now and then to make a stupid face that made him look even more like an orangutan…if that were possible. Was that supposed to be a victory dance of some sort? Or was that just normal ADD Monkey behavior? Sasuke didn't know. Oh God, how he wanted to slap the sucker in face.

"Naruto, shut up! Can't you see your annoying Sasuke-kun?" Sakura screeched while whamming Naruto with a nice one-two.

Not bad, Sasuke noted. He had never known that Sakura possessed such elite boxing skills. Usually, she acted like a sissy.

"Settle down, children," Kakashi called as he appeared in a cloud of smoke. "I know you missed your dear sensei."

"As if!" Naruto snorted so hard that Sasuke could almost swear he saw slimy, green snot dripping out of the idiot's nose.

Gross….

"Well, Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto, today we will be completing a mission."

"Well DUH," Naruto drawled.

"Except," Kakashi said, eyeing the team. "We will be doing it with…Gai's team."

"WHAT?! You mean with that freaky bowl cut caterpillar eyebrowed guy!? NO WAY! NUH-UH!" Naruto sat down pointedly and crossed his arms.

Just like the spoiled brat he was.

"Oh, how nice! I can't wait! Won't it be fun, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura fluttered her eyelashes in a pitiful attempt to look pretty.

"…" Sasuke turned so she had a nice view of his back.

"I guess you all will want to know what today's mission is, right? Well. You'll be excited to learn that we will be helping out at a nursing home."

Oh great.

Now we get to be harassed by Mr. Freaky Bowl Cut Caterpillar Eye-browed Guy's Team and help old people urinate in plastic bags. Perfect.

"And just to remind you, this is for a good cause. So I want a positive attitude from all of you. That includes you too, Sasuke." Kakashi eyed the dark-haired genin sternly.

Pfftt. Yeah, I'm so excited to go help old people urinate in plastic bags because it's for a wonderful cause! Don't make me laugh.

"Hn," Sasuke grunted. Kakashi smiled that annoying crinkly-eyed smile of his.

"Shall we be off, then?"

Gai's Team

"Team! Today is the big day!" Gai-sensei careened about the room, flashing his oh-so-shiny smile that resulted from hours of thorough brushing with Trident Whitening Paste.

"Today! We! Shall! Be! Challenging! Team! 7! KAKASHI'S TEAM!" Gai emphasized each word with a flashy pose. Rock Lee gasped in fascination.

This is the day that I prove that I am better than Neji! This is really it! I can do it! I just have to remember what Gai-sensei said! "Brush your teeth twice a day! Floss your teeth, once a day!" That was a really catchy tune, too! Wow, Gai-sensei is so amazing! If only I could be like him…

Lee stared up at Gai-sensei, his dark eyes shining with sheer adoration. Tears of admiration threatened to spill as he choked out, his voice full of emotion, "Oh, Gai-sensei! This is the chance I've been waiting for! Wait till you see what I can do!"

Fierce determination burned in Lee's eyes. He turned to glare at his arch rival Neji, who was leaning nonchalantly against the wall.

Oh, he thinks he's so fine and cool! Well he's nothing compared to Gai-sensei! Don't worry…I will beat you, Neji! With plain hard work and determination!

"That's the spirit, Lee! Oh, the fountain of youth is so full of energy!"

"Ten-ten, aren't you so excited?! This is our big chance!" Rock Lee exploded, bursting with enthusiasm.

"Um…yeah, Lee. Of course!" Ten-ten forced a smile. She couldn't help but feel a little sympathy for the mildly deranged boy. It wasn't that he was mean or anything – in fact he was overly nice – but he was slightly…different, if you get what I mean.

"I can't wait! I'm so excited!" Lee babbled, jumping up and down. Neji smirked indifferently. What a hopeless nut case. Though his tai-jutsu wasn't too shabby, he supposed. But Lee, of course, would never measure up to the standard of genius that he, Hyuuga Neji, was at. And I mean never. Not a chance.

"Gai-sensei! Where will we be going? I want to get there as soon as possible!"

"Lee, I'm so proud to see your enthusiasm! To let all of you know, we will be visiting and helping out at a nursing home!" Gai waited for the eruption of cheers from his pupils.

"A nursing home?" Ten-ten asked dubiously. "You mean…with old people?"

"Now, Ten-ten! Old people are wise! You should feel privileged to be around them!" Gai-sensei reproved, showing off his dazzling Trident-y smile. Neji snorted a little.

"And exactly what is the point of this mission?" Neji asked, arching an eyebrow.

"It's for a good cause! To help the old people of Konoha!" Gai-sensei replied in a matter-of-factly way. "Now, no more wasting time! We don't want to be late for our appointment with Kakashi! OFF TO KONOHA NURSING HOME!"

End of Prologue

Chapter 1 – Pedophile Alert (Sakura)

Sakura grumbled under her breath as they approached Konoha Nursing Home. Old people were everywhere. She gagged as the full blow of old-people smell hit her in a nauseating wave.

Gai's Team approached the Konoha Nursing Home at around the same time. The two teams exchanged greetings. Well, more like Gai-sensei and Rock Lee exchanged greetings with everyone else.

"Kakashi-sensei! My team shall beat your team today! If they don't, I will eat 25 raw jellyfish!"

"Whatever you want Gai…just make sure you don't kill yourself while you're at it. I don't want to be responsible for your death."

"Do not worry, Kakashi! You are a worthy opponent! Your cool and hip attitude makes me burn with envy!"

"Heheh…right, Gai. Now excuse me, I must instruct my students."

"That's right! Lee, Ten-ten, Neji, come over here! We must devise a plot to defeat Kakashi's team!" Gai's eyes gleamed dangerously. As for Kakashi….

"Uh…well, Team 7. It seems like we need to have duties assigned in the office. Come along, now."

The team padded along reluctantly behind Kakashi, with Naruto mumbling profanities, Sakura raging inside, and Sasuke…well, being "cool."

Gah. This is soooooo stupid! How am I going to impress Sasuke around a bunch of old perverted fogies?! There better not be any pedophiles around this place….

Sakura shuddered involuntarily. She stared uneasily at the row of gaunt faces lining the room. They gazed back unwaveringly, their luminous eyes haunting her.

Please, God no…

She felt her pulse quicken in panic. This place could take years off your life. Innerly, she blamed Kakashi for scarring her for the rest of her life. What kind of teacher takes beautiful, innocent girls to a place over flooding with scary old men with twisted minds?!

Oh great. Just what I need. Nightmares about stalking pedophiles…

Team 7 made their way down the eerily white hall to a door made of oak wood. The door was opened by a strict-looking nurse, who beckoned them into the office. Kakashi and the three genin shuffled nervously inside.

"Let me see here…you three are Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto, I presume?" the nurse adjusted her dark-rimmed glasses. "It's so kind of you to volunteer to help the elders at Konoha home. You know, they get really lonely out here…"

WHAT?! Kakashi volunteered us?! So it wasn't a mission!? That conniving little…

Sakura clenched and unclenched her fists, grinding her teeth at the same time.

"Is something the matter, Sakura? You look like you have diarrhea." Kakashi said. Sakura gaped at him.

He did NOT just say that in front of Sasuke!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…STUPID!#

"N-nothing, please continue," Sakura forced a wan little smile, trying to regain her composure. Her eyebrow twitched slightly. She winced as she saw Sasuke smirk. Kakashi would pay, even if he was her sensei. She would make sure of it. To shame her – in front of Sasuke, no less – that was simply an unpardonable sin. She wouldn't go easy on him just because he was hot.

Wait.

…

KAKASHI!?

HOT!?

That is so wrong! He's like….She calculated mentally. FOURTEEN YEARS MY SENIOR!

Sakura blanched.

…

The old people smell must be making me delirious or something…

The nurse cleared her throat. "As I was saying, each of you will be assigned a certain task. After each shift, you will rotate your duties. First off…Uzumaki Naruto."

Naruto jumped up and saluted. "What can I do for you, lovely madam?"

The nurse smiled. "My, what a nice-mannered young man we have here. Hmm, you can have the duty of entertaining the folks. Remember to do as they ask, and always treat them with respect." She patted Naruto fondly on the head. Naruto beamed triumphantly.

What a little kiss-up! Hmph! I would never fall to such a low level.

"Next is Haruno Sakura. You will have the task of feeding the elders at lunch time."

"Yes ma'am, anything that pleases you!" Sakura fluttered her eyelashes emphatically.

Well, not as bad as I expected. I mean, feeding a bunch of old people can't be too bad, can it?

"Why sir, you have such a nice bunch of well-behaved children. You must be privileged to be their care-taker." Kakashi scratched his head lazily.

"Of course, madam, they are absolutely delightful." He smiled at her.

Gosh, Kakashi was hot when he was nice.

Oh God.

I did NOT just think that!

He is evil, lazy, scheming, annoying, vulgar, perverted, and…

Kakashi's gaze fell on Sakura and he smiled at her.

Hot.

"And lastly, Uchiha Sasuke. You, young man, will have the duty of…assisting the elders to…uh…….'relieve' themselves when the need strikes. Is that clear?"

Sasuke just stared at her with a look of bewilderment. She had not just said what he had thought she had said. Right?!

"Relieve…themselves…" Sasuke mumbled dazedly. "I must have…heard….wrong…"

He grew pale.

Oh no! What happened to my poor Sasuke?! If that woman had anything to do with it, I'll make SURE she pays!

"Are you ok, Sasuke?" Sakura asked, lines of concern etched in her face. She reached up to touch his forehead, but Sasuke slapped her hand away.

"I'm fine!" Sasuke growled. "Just…leave me alone." He started talking to himself again, muttering incoherently like an insane old geezer.

The Lord have mercy on him…

Poor Sasuke…weeps for Sasuke let's just hope things get better, ne? -

Ok, it's my first/second attempt at a Naruto fanfic…Yeah, so my story sucks. XP DEAL WITH IT! TT

Chapter 2 – Not the Lice! (Neji)

How stupid.

Stupid beyond reasoning.

Helping at a nursing home? Give me a break.

Why did I have to end up with the insane teacher? What did I do to deserve being stuck with a bunch of worthless sissies as team members?! Okay, so maybe I'm not always the nicest person…and maybe I'm a little harsh on Hinata…and maybe I am a little stuck up…

Wait! I'm not stuck up. Scratch that. It's everyone else's fault for being stupid!

Hmph.

But still. A NURSING HOME? Helping out OLD people? For goodness sake!

But alas. It seems that a cruel fate always follows the talented. Talented individuals like me, of course.

"Lee, Ten-ten, Neji, come over here! We must devise a plot to defeat Kakashi's team!"

Lee practically bunny-hopped over to where Gai was standing. Ten-ten and Neji strolled over casually.

"But first! We must go to the office and get our duties assigned. THEN we shall devise a plot that will bring about Kakashi's DEFEAT!" A look of satisfaction crossed Gai's face. "Come! To the office!"

Gai skipped down the hallway, stopping every so often to blind a wrinkled elder with his impressive smile. Lee followed his suit, a miniature Gai. That was a scary thought. ONE Gai was enough, thank you.

The team traveled down the hall, Gai and Lee prancing about energetically, Ten-ten casting discreet glances at Neji, and Neji with his hands jammed deep in his pockets, staring morosely at the ground with the intensity of a neurobiologist.

They stopped at a battered looking door. An old woman, resembling a raisin, opened the door.

"Come in, come in," she said, her voice grating harshly in Neji's ears. The team stepped into the room. "Let's see here…let me find my list…" The old woman sifted slowly through the mound of papers and trash on her desk. A few minutes ticked by.

"Um…I can't seem to find it…excuse me a moment…" The old woman mumbled to herself as she searched for the list.

Neji tapped his foot impatiently. He couldn't stand to wait in the room much longer, as it smelled of cigarettes and prunes – two things he greatly detested.

"Hmm…that's strange…I thought I put it somewhere around here…" She stood and scratched her hair.

It was then that Neji noticed something crawling in her hair, almost as if it were alive…..

LICE!?

Upon closer examination, he discovered that it was indeed lice. And quite a lot of it, too. Huge swarms of wriggling lice. In her hair. The lice squirmed about, tumbling on top of one another, their sticky antennae probing through her hair, some of them diving and burrowing into her scalp…

Oh God.

No.

No.

NO!

Neji almost puked. He clutched his stomach.

"Neji? Are you alright?" Ten-ten eyed him curiously. "What's the matter?"

Neji didn't reply.

"Hello? Earth to Neji?" She waved her hand in front of his eyes frantically. "Hey Gai-sensei! I think something's wrong with Neji!"

Gai glanced at Neji momentarily. "Oh, it's nothing! Neji is just excited because of the mission! Isn't that right, Neji?"

Neji's senses swam as he pictures hordes of lice wriggling their tiny arms and legs at him in sickening glee…

He screwed his eyes shut and resisted the urge to scream.

"Neji? Ten-ten poked his shoulder.

"Neji?" Gai-sensei tapped Neji lightly on the back.

"NEJI!!!!!!!!!" Lee screamed loudly in Neji's ears.

Neji eyes popped open as he leapt back about 10 feet. It took him a few moments to regain his composure.

God, that stupid Lee. He almost gave me a heart attack.

"Lee, you almost gave me a heart attack," he glared coldly. Lee smiled happily.

"Neji, you scared me! For a moment I didn't know if you were okay or not! I'm just glad you're back to normal!"

That idiot. I'm nowhere NEAR being "okay"! What do you think!? I'm traumatized for the rest of my life for crying out loud!

He glanced warily at the old woman who had her back turned to them and shuddered.

"Aha! I've found it!" the woman held up a crinkled sheet of paper above her head in triumph. She fumbled a moment with her spectacles.

"Now let's see here…first off, Ten-ten. You will be responsible for making sure all the elders are comfortable, ok miss?"

Ten-ten nodded humbly.

"As for Lee…you are assigned to help the elders get their daily exercise, including stretching and such."

"Hai, ma'am! This is just perfect for me!" Lee's eyes shone with determination. "I promise to do my best to help the elders of Konoha!"

"Lastly, Hyuuga Neji. I have something special for you, young man."

Neji felt his stomach lurch apprehensively. He tried not to notice that several of the bolder lice were crawling on her forehead.

"Yes ma'am?"

Please, something not too horrible….please…I promise I'll be a good boy from now on…JUST PLEASE!

"You," she said, smiling in a way that Neji found eerily sinister. "Will be my assistant for the day!"

Muahahha. How I love to torture dear Neji 3. It's my life ambition! D

Actually when I was writing it…I got kinda creeped out by all the lice stuff too --; shudders Eeep….