Time has passed since the coalition woke up from their drunken stupor. Cao Cao woke up and he drowsily sitting on his horse trying not to fall off. "Mhm... Yup. Snow and hangovers mix very well..." Cao Cao suddenly closed his eyes and moments later fell asleep.
Yuan Shao suddenly yelled, voice slurred, "All Units! This is a just battle to punish these traitors that ravish this land! Go and tear down this stupid Si Shui so we can go home already!"
"Home is where the rump rests..." Liu Bei giggled and started to jog in place and began to stretches and warm ups. It seemed as if he was getting ready to fight while everyone else, "Sun Jian, you know what to do!" Yuan Shao directed his gaze towards the man who was fixing his afro and red jump suit. Straightening his medallion one last time, Sun Jian gave a salute and ordered his men to move out. Yuan Shao then ordered Gonsun Zan and Liu Bei to head west and attack from the north while Cao Cao heads south to meet up with Sun Jian's forces after wrapping around the hills. Other generals would remain by Yuan Shao's side. "Yuan Shu!"
"Yeah?" Yuan Shu said sitting on his horse, arms crossed on resting on the animals head.
"Don't forget that you're in charge of the supplies."
"Can I burn the supplies?"
"We need them! I swear to god if you even think about doing such a thing I will wring your neck!"
"Damn..."
Before long each force went their own separate way. However one of Yuan Shao's officers went along with Sun Jian. It was Zhang He.
"Hey... who's the lady?" Han Dang asked Huang Gai.
"Huh, she doesn't look familiar. Why dont you ask?"
"I can't! I get all nervous around girls..." Han Dang frowned. "They creep me out and their always so bossy! It also doesn't help we're all kind of old." Huang Gai laughed.
"Lord Sun Jian!" Cheng Pu cried as he ran up to his lord.
"Yah?"
"Why is Zhang He marching with us?" Pu pointed.
"Eh? I don't see Zhang He anywhere..." Sun Jian placed his hand over his eyes and squinted. Examining every soldier's face, he couldn't seem to find him. "Nope... don't see him..."
"There! The one that looks like a woman!"
"Oh Lord! That's Zhang He?" Sun Jian shrieked as he turned around and payed attention where he walked. "If he's a guy... why does he have boobs?"
"What?" Cheng Pu turned to look. "Those aren't breasts, my lord, that's actually a part of his gear."
"...Did he intend for it to look like that?"
"I don't even want to think about it." Cheng Pu sighed as he looked at Zu Mao whom was on a horse riding silently along. "You alright, Zu Mao?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah I'm alright." Zu Mao grumbled. He was a bit cranky that no one remembers who he is. "Stupid bastards..."
"Not everyone is a bastard except for maybe that Cao Cao fellow" Pu smirked as he went alongside of Mao.
Zu Mao jumped from his horse and landed in Cheng Pu's arms. "Your the only one that understands me!" Zu Mao then kissed Cheng Pu on the cheek. The older general froze in place as Zu Mao panicked a bit at his own actions.
Pu responded. "Let's not speak of this again."
"I taught them well." Sun Jian kept on walking as he wiped a tear from his eye.
Later...
"Lord Cao Cao, are you feeling alright?" asked Cao Hong. Who was the one of the few who did not get drunk the night before. "You seem a little... out of it."
"I wonder, Cao Hong, could it be the fact that the entire coalition stayed up late and drank to their heart's content?!" Cao Cao cried from his horse. He was on it backward and his sword fell from his waist long ago, but Hong picked it up and carried it around. Also the little hat on Cao's head was tilted on his head somewhat. "I feel like I want to throw up soon so why don't you go pester Xiahou Yuan and Dun?"
Cao Hong looked over and noticed both of them were in a wagon being pulled by a somewhat sober Cao Ren. "For our sake I hope there is no enemy generals nearby."
"Enemy generals! Its Li Su and Niou Fu!" some soldier screamed as he turned tail and ran away.
Cao Cao only laughed at the situation unfolding. "It is only Li Su and Niou Fu against all of us! We have at least a good six officer lead on these fools! Units charge and take down the enemy!" So it was then Cao Cao's units ... charged. Some stumbled, some even fell over, half of them fell asleep standing. "Har har! I can tell our feign sleep tactics are working like a charm!"
"Ugh, I really wish he would stop yelling." Yue Jing mumbled quietly. "Besides what feign sleep tactic? When did we learn that?"
"The one everyone learned last night whilst we drank the night away!" Laughing, Cao Cao almost fell from his horse and attempted to keep his seat before sliding completely off and thudding against the ground.
"Guys, I could use some help over here and I could use it now!" Cao Hong weeped as Li Su and Niou Fu loomed over head.
"So this is the forces that belongs to the Hero of Chaos?" Li Su questioned as he readied his spear. "I'm a bit disappointed."
"Haha, right? They look like a bunch of amateur soldiers to me..." Niou Fu smirked as he also readied his spear. Suddenly Cao Hong lifted a leg and stuck a hand out towards them, palm out.
"Do not come any closer! For I am a highly trained and skilled warrior and I'm not afraid to use what it is I know to slay you!" Cao Hong chanted.
"What a yapper on this one. I'll kill you with one arm tied behind my back!" Li Su yelled back.
"Shut up!" Cao Hong cried as he get back into a normal position. "Well... it was nice knowing me and not any of you drunken assholes!" Cao Hong yelled at the sleeping Cao Cao and his officers.
"H-hold on…" Cao Cao groaned as he tried to reposition himself on the horse. "I'm almost back on and then I'll definitely give you a hand… Just, let me get… I'm almost there…"
Further to the north of the battlefield...
"Remember the force. I have to remember the force as it once was before I started my journey." Liu Bei mumbled with his eyes closed. Liu Bei was surrounded on all sides though by soldiers of Li Ru's and Guo Si's. "Hiii-yaaa!" Liu Bei let out a shriek as he brought up his fist, back handing someone. Soon another soldier came running at him, tip of his sword aimed for his heart. However Liu Bei spun around and brought about his bare knuckles into the face of the man sending him to the floor. Then Liu Bei jumped up and kicked his leg connecting with the jaw of another soldier and then again he spun around to head butt some guy in the nose. "Bring it on! Raaaaaah!"
Guan Yu and Zhang Fei watched... "Hm, since when did Liu Bei become so good at fighting? Wasn't he hiding during the entire fight against that Zhang Jue forces." Zhang Fei said rubbing his chin.
"The man watches to much movies... thats all I have to say." Guan Yu said as he made his way westward to follow the hills. Swinging his halberd back and forth cleaving through enemy soldiers, he slowly made his way towards an open field.
"Say, aren't you Guan Yu the barber?" An enemy soldier cried out catching Guan Yu's attention. "You don't think you'd be able to give me a haircut would you?"
Guan Yu swung his blade and lopped off the poor man's head. "Oops… maybe that was a little too much off the top." He cackled.
"Eat saber O Fool!" Liu Bei screamed as he wielded his lightsaber again. He swung it this way and that and soon he was running through crowds of people just swinging away. "Hahaha!" Liu Bei was running around with his tongue dangling out of his mouth. Zhang Fei was smacking people this way and that with his spear and eventually was clobbered by Liu Bei on accident. Not noticing, Liu Bei came running by again and trampled Fei.
"Blaahh!" Zhang Fei groaned as he twitched on the floor. "Pay attention you idiot!"
"Zhang Fei! Your injured! Quick eat this small piece of Baozi! It'll make you feel better" Guan Yu reached behind him and threw the said Baozi at Fei. Reaching out, Fei missed the grab and the Baozi thokked against his forehead knocking him out. "Somehow, I should've seen that coming but in the end, I'm glad I still did it…"
Later towards Sun Jian, he was preparing his army for the charge on Si Shui...
"Alrighty then..." Sun Jian mumbled as he scoped the field. No enemy soldiers were waiting for them. Just the walls of Si Shui loomed over head. "If this wasn't a trap, I dont know what is."
"I know what you mean..." Cheng Pu whispered as he too was scoping the field.
Han Dang smirked. "They were afraid of the Tiger and ran away with their tails between their legs!"
"You think so?" Sun Jian said as he looked at Dang.
"I dunno. Maybe?"
"The one time I decide to listen to you Han Dang and you can't even give me a confident answer. I am ashamed." Shaking his head disappointedly, Han Dang sulked.
"Perhaps we should ready a messenger to send to Yuan Shu to ready our supplies." Zu Mao said. Huang Gai agreed that if their supplies were ready, they wouldn't have much to worry about. So .. Sun Jian sent a messenger.
As soon as the messenger left, the gates of Si Shui opened with two officers, Hu Zhen and Zhao Cen, along with hundreds upon hundreds of soldiers came charging out with the look of bloodlust in the their eyes...
"I see they were waiting for us?" Huang Gai said as he pulled the small boat from his back and readied into a fighting position.
"Seriously, Huang Gai, can't you find a weapon within reason to use? That thing is completely distracting!" Sun Jian barked.
"Says the guy with a giant afro and sword with a bunch of jingly rings on it."
Cheng Pu hissed at the two of them. "Can't we just focus on the enemy ahead of us before we get wiped out and give the enemy a clear path towards our main camp?"
"You're right!" Sun Jian said. "All units, charge! Show them the power of our army with our traditional swords and spears and not boats!"
"Now you're just being an ass on purpose, my lord!" Thus the units of Sun Jian charged Hu Zhen and Zhao Cen.
Later, however, Sun Jian's messenger arrived at Yuan Shu's camp...
"Lord Yuan Shu! Sun Jian demands you ready and send the supplies!" the messenger said as he went down on one knee.
"If I send the supplies out now the glory will all be Sun Jian's..." Yuan Shu grumbled. "Do not send them out yet... in fact, burn them! Burn all of it! Hahaha!"
"But Yuan Shao said 'not' to burn them..." a soldier butted in.
"Ah, yes, that is true but is Yuan Shao here currently?"
"No...?"
"Then you will do as I say or I'll kill you here with a smile!" Yuan Shu laughed maniacally. "Hopefully, the Tiger of Jiang Dong will perish and then when he does, my unit will come in and win the glory we rightfully deserve!" With that Yuan Shu turned his back towards the messenger and made his way inside his tent where he would watch TV and slack off.
However the messenger just sat there before mumbling... "And people wonder why you aren't a playable character…"
"You might want to get that fact straight dear messenger, I am a unique character now so get out of my face before I have your head placed on a pike!"
"You're alone? Are you crazy?" Li Ru said as Liu Bei was surrounded on all sides. Soldiers readied their weapons and were about to swing but were stopped when Guan Yu and Zhang Fei came rushing to their brother's aid. Off to their left Gongsun Zan was riding up on his horse knocking over those who were in his way.
"Lord Liu Bei!" Gongsun Zan cried. "Stop trying to get yourself killed, we haven't even breached Si Shui yet!"
Liu Bei groaned as if being scolded by his father. "It's so much fun though with the danger, the excitement and risk!"
"You've lost it!" Gongsun Zan interrupted as he rode next to Liu Bei and took his lightsaber.
"Eep! M-my lightsaber!"
"Keep focused on the matters at hand and maybe I'll consider giving it back!"
"Oh fine... " Grumbling, Liu Bei pulled out his regular sword and went to go catch up with his brothers whom were fighting. "Asshole."
"Hey look!" Guan Yu pointed slightly at a wall made of logs. It looked as if it was blocking a path leading to somewhere but the other brothers took no notice. Only Gongsun Zan approached and looked beyond the wall to see a trail.
"Liu Bei!" Gongsun Zan cried waving his sword around in the air.
"What?"
"Come look at what we've found!"
"What?"
"Just come look!"
"...At what?"
"Liu Bei, will you just get over here and look at this damn thing?!"
"You take my lightsaber from me and you expect me to do anything willingly? God, you're so demanding." Liu Bei walked on over and looked at the wall that was slightly taller than him. "...What?"
"I swear to god. When we bring down Dong Zhuo im going to castrate you..." muttered Gongsun Zan.
"Castrate?! You ain't touching my baozi's!" Liu Bei screamed and turned and ran away for some reason as Zan tried to stop him before grumbling.
Later...
"Lord Yuan Shao!" a man spoke.
"Yeah?" Yuan Shao responded with a coke can up by his lips.
"The messenger for Yuan Shu has arrived. Sun Jian says it is time to send out the supplies as they were engaged into battle just an hour ago. Perhaps we should comply and send them out?"
"Of course! Sun Jian is leading the charge and not agreeing to this would mean certain doom on our troops! Mostly Sun Jian's... but mine as well! And an army of nobility cant be beaten by a band of traitors! No sir, not my army. Nope.. never..." Yuan Shao said with a firm tone. He also pounded the table now and then between words.
"Yes. Your army really is great. They got composure and style..."
"Oh no, that was from my loyal officer, Zhang He as he taught them all that stuff. He required grace and finesse and a bit of discipline but I don't know how he got everyone to agree to that."
"Well. He has that intimidating look in his eyes whenever he talks about dance. He sure does.. those sparkling blue eyes that gleam with every look and shine as bright as the full moon when he gazes into the open fire."
"I… that doesn't sound intimidating at all!" Yuan Shao cried.
"Depends on who you ask."
"I'm not going to delve into that remark nor do I want to know. Just, make sure you get word out to Yuan Shu about those supplies if he hasn't sent them out already."
"These fiendish rogues!" Xiahou Dun screamed still a bit hungover. He swayed this way and that and one time he bumped into Xiahou Yuan he turned and yelled at him to watch where he was going or he would shove a shoe up his ass. Xiahou Yuan yelled back and then before everyone knew it, they were fighting each other.
"My my... we aren't progressing very well are we?" Cao Cao mumbled as his eyes blinked one after the other. He was on his horse but his sword was on the floor next to him and somehow his boot ended up in Cao Rens hands as he was swinging it as a weapon.
"Why? Why god... why did I have to become related to these bumbling idiots?" Cao Hong whispered as he was most likely the only one in Cao Cao's unit who was still feeling alright and able to fight.
"Yes Cao Hong! Fight! Fight for meeee!" Cao Cao cheered.
"Shut up! I'm fighting for my life you twit!"
"Does someone need a hug?"
"I swear to god when this is all over I'm going to resign and become a hermit in the mountains so I never have to deal with this shit ever again."
"I think you do.. c'mere grumpy pants!" Cao Cao stumbled off his horse and made his way to Cao Hong. Hong gawked and ran away but the hungover Cao Cao caught up and wrapped his hands around his body. "Feel the love, Hong... just take it aaaall in…" Screaming and kicking, Cao Hong desperately tried to break free but alas failed.
"This isn't good guys!" Li Dian yelled as he stood next to Yue Jin, the two of them back to back "I think we're losing!"
Yue Jing tried to swing his weapon but fell over onto his back before throwing up slightly. "That wine definitely isn't setting well with all this fighting maneuvering going on."
"What the..?" Cao Ren looked over to his fallen ally. "Get up and stop looking like a lightweight!"
Yue Jin mumbled. "Easier for… easier for… Ugh, I can't even talk without the taste of wine coming up from my stomach and into my throat. Li Dian, just wake me up when the fighting is done with, yeah?"
"I'll wake you up with a sword in your face."
"That works too so long as I wake up when you do it. Thanks buddy."
"Lord Sun Jian!" Zu Mao shouted.
"Huh?" Sun Jian looked over as he punched a peon across the face sending him to the floor. Pouncing next to Zu Mao he smiled with his tongue dangling from his lips. "What's up faceless?"
"Please, don't say that. I already feel useless as it is and that's just making the low blows worse."
"Ha ha ha! You'll get over it, Mao! Now, what is it you would like to speak about with the Tiger of Jiang Dong in this little epic fight of ours?" A small tear runs down Sun Jian's cheek.
"Anyways... it appears we have yet to receive supplies from Yuan Shu."
"I noticed. Where are the supplies! Our morale is dwindling!" Sun Jian yelled as he looked this way and that for any response. Suddenly Si Shui opened once more, the officer, Hua Xiong, could be seen riding out with a couple more hundred soldiers. It wasn't going well for Sun Jian's troops as they were already having problems with Hu Zhen and Zhao Cen.
"My lord! Please let me use the bomb thing! It will be our only chance to even out the odds!" Huang Gai yelled from amidst the crowd.
"But we deemed it dangerous for someone your age to be handling a weapon like that! Remember last time you had bombs and used a decently sized mace back in the day?"
"C'mon, my lord! It's not like I'm going to throw one directly at you! I've gotten better with them I promise!"
"I don't know about that."
"Lord Sun Jian!"
"Oh, fine go ahead but I swear it will only be for this one time before certain companies realize you're back to your old ways." Sun Jian was suddenly interrupted as a soldier of Hu Zhen jumped and tackled Sun Jian. Letting out a grunt, he stabbed the man in the stomach and pushed him away. "Eeeww! He got blood all over me!"
Cheng Pu was holding his own as Han Dang was still a little shaky from the night before. It wouldn't be long though before the two would pass out from exhaustion.
"Damnit! We need those supplies now!" Sun Jian cried. No longer was he trying to act goofy but more seriously. He would not allow his men to die all because some butthead doesn't want to send the supplies.
However at Yuan Shu's camp, he and his men were playing Go and drinking wine that came from Sun Jian's supply convoy.
"Han Dang! Cheng Pu! Pull back! You'll get yourself surrounded if your not careful!" Sun Jian yelled cupping his hands over his mouth. The two looked back and nodded. Han Dang being his stupid self, tripped and fell over. Cheng Pu seeing this went to aid his friend who for some reason instantly fell asleep.
"Curse the man who invented wine!" Cheng Pu screamed at the top of his lungs as he had Han Dang by the foot, dragging him, and his spear in the other swinging like a madman.
Zhang He suddenly leaped forward, struck a pose, and landed with two large gauntlets with claws protruding out from the knuckle area. "Fear not, warriors of Jiang Dong! I am here to assist!" A spin here and a glide here, the majestic, beautiful warrior made quick work of the enemy forces who encroached on the coalition. Laughing, he continued to shred through the enemy ranks.
"Well, damn, this guy is doing all the work for us." Sun Jian blinked. "Maybe we should just let him do all the work."
Back to our lightsaber wielding friend...
"Liu Bei!" Zhang Fei cried as he ran up to his brother. "The north gates of Si Shui are shut tightly! We won't be able to break through from the north! We'll most likely have to head back and join the forces of Sun Jian or Cao Cao."
"What! No way am I marching all that way to join that weird disco tiger and the over confident, yet stylish looking, ninny!" Liu Bei grumbled as he looked over his shoulder towards the wall that was made of logs. Perhaps if they somehow got past it to see where it leads. "Stand back Fei... for I shall now use... the force!" Cheering Liu Bei rolled up his sleeves and stuck out both hands, palms facing the wall.
It wasn't long before Gongsun Zan and Guan Yu arrived after clearing the area of Li Ru's soldiers. "What's he doing?" Gongsun Zan asked.
"Using the force.."
"He can't do that.. that's not even a skill set he knows." Zan said. "Why can't he be serious and try and use a bit of stategy to help us figure this out?!"
Guan Yu stroked his beard. "I've come to realize that once brother sets his mind to do something, he'll do it. Unless he gets scared then by all means, I'd be more willing to help you on your endeavors, Lord Gongsun Zan."
"So you're telling me we're going to sit here and let this man do this thing called 'the force' while are allies are probably in danger?"
"Yeah."
"Humm..." Liu Bei chanted with his eyes closed and sweat dripping from his cheeks. Moving this wall would prove that he could use the force. Minutes later he was swearing beneath his breath and the veins on his forehead were about to burst.
"C'mon! Lets just go back!" A shout came from behind.
"Never!" Liu Bei screamed as he dropped his arms and ran at the wall. He then began to pound on it with his fists and kicking it like a young child who is stubborn. Before long the wall started to shake and collapse which surprised everyone including Liu Bei.
"Wow! I guess he can use the force!" Gongsun Zan said a bit confused at what happened. Guan Yu was frowning as he examined the wall that was assembled poorly. It had no mass and was standing on a log or two. Someone was bad at woodworking and this wall was only meant to delay marching rather than rerouting.
"Damn Straight! Now you can't doubt me or I'll choke you with the force!" Liu bei said with glee. "Pwuaha! Onward!"
As the four along with some soldiers charged, they come up to a fort with supplies in every direction.
"Pff... supplies.. i guess we should head back." Liu bei groaned as he turned around.
"No wait! If we take this place, it would help our allies out by a lot!"
"No kidding? Alright everyone, let's take this place down! Remember, if there are any pancake storages, lemme know right away!" laughing, the forces under Gongsun Zan and Liu Bei managed to take the fort that send rapid news through the army of Li Jue who was in command of this battle for Dong Zhuo.
"I can't believe they managed to get past that well built wall that was blocking the road towards our food supply!" Li Jue growled. "I knew I should've hired a professional instead of that shady craftsman."
"Do not worry... I shall ride past through the north gate and attack their leader, Yuan Shao. Once I do this, Dong Zhuo will have nothing to fear from this band of old angry men. Leave it to me... " A female spoke suddenly as he walked behind Li Jue. Surprised by this, Li Jue whipped around yet smirked when he saw whom it was that was willing to charge with few troops...
"Aah! I see you have arrived, Lu Lingqi" Li Jue cackled menacingly as a woman marched with sleek white armor and two large antennae coming from her helmet. On her back was large shuriken. Lu Lingqu hopped onto her horse and commanded her troops through the north gate. As she marched, she stared dead ahead on the path she was on.
"Yuan Shao! You may be a man of nobility but not even that can save your hide from the daughter of Lu Bu, Lu Lingqu!"