Harry Potter the Severus Snape Parody

By Fangalla Marie

Chapter One: Snape's Son

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me Potter," barked Professor Snape. "Don't make me repeat it."

"I don't believe it," said a bewildered Harry. "How is this even possible?"

"I'm not entirely certain myself, Potter, but Albus has informed me this morning and it appears that I am indeed your father."

"But I look just like my dad, James Potter, except for my mother's emerald green eyes that everyone loves to comment on."

Snape snorted, "You certainly strut around the castle like your father."

"So you admit that you strut in the castle?"

"You know what I meant Potter!"

Smirking Harry said, "So how is it that you're my daddy? I look nothing like you. You have sallow skin, greasy hair and crusty yellow teeth and I'm … well, I'm pretty."

"Apparently your dearly departed mother cast a protean charm on you at birth to make you resemble her husband. However, now that you have come of age, you will soon revert to your true appearance."

"You mean I'm going to look like you?"

"Yes, Potter, you will," said the Potions Master with a sneer.

"I need a drink!"

"On that we agree," Snape said and sat down and poured himself a glass of firewhiskey.

"None for me?" asked Harry.

"No, you don't get any, Potter, this is a man's drink."

"Fine," snapped Harry. "So let me get this right? You didn't have sex with my mother and yet somehow you are my father and not James Potter, as I've always thought. Now that I am almost of legal age it comes out that you are indeed my long lost parent, who just happens to be an evil greasy git of a fake Death Eater."

With smoke coming out of his nostrils from the whiskey, Snape says, "That would be correct. Though Merlin help me, I have no idea how that's possible."

Groaning, Harry sits down and says, "I suddenly feel just like Luke Skywalker."

"Who? Isn't he one of the first year Ravenclaws?"

"No, he's a character from a Muggle fiction who finds out his father is the servant of evil," Harry replied.

Then a thought crossed his mind, a very evil thought, "Daddy?"

"Don't call me that Potter!"

"Daddy," Harry repeated just to annoy Snape, "Do you think that you can talk in a very deep voice like James Earl Jones and then say 'I am your father'?"

Scowling Snape asked, "Who is James Earl Jones?"

"A Muggle actor, with a deep voice, who portrays Darth Vader, Luke's evil father."

"No, I will not! Acting like a Muggle is beneath a pureblood such as myself."

"Yes, a pureblood who managed to father a son with a Muggle born witch and never had sex with her. That's sounds kinda fishy to me. I think you're lying about the sex."

Snape scowled even deeper and took another shot of firewhiskey. "I would never lower myself to father a child on a dirty mud-blood, Potter."

"Don't you mean Harry Snape? After all you're my daddy now," Harry said innocently and then attempted to crawl up onto Snape's lap.

"Get off me Potter. I am not taking any responsibility for you and do not want to ever see you again after you graduate," snarled the potions master.

"But Daddy, I love you."

"ARRRRGH!" screamed Snape and grabbing the bottle of fire whiskey, he bolted from the room leaving Harry Potter alone.

Chuckling the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore stepped out from behind a concealed door with a pocket watch in his hand. Apparently timing the length of that conversation.

Harry smirked and held out his hand and the Headmaster placed a small bag of galleons in it.

"I really didn't think we could convince him that he was you're father, but it appears that you've driven him to drink as well. What is this ritual called again?"

"April Fools, sir," Harry replied as he pocketed the gold. "Next time I say we convince him that he fathered Hermione also."

The Headmaster laughed and the two walked down the corridor together.

To Be Continued … Please Read and Review