She's so beautiful.
I never should have come to the place I'm at, but it's too much to think about.
Her face is more peaceful in this slumber than I have ever seen before.
And it's all my fault.
I couldn't handle my affection, my lust and now I have to . . . what? Go back to that pitiful life I tried to live before? All I want is to love her. To be with her, sleeping peacefully beside her, tangled under her tan and burgundy sheets, but it's not to be. It can't be. My dream has come true in a whirlwind of grunts and graceful sighs and the waking from it is torture.
Never thought that waking up after the best of dreams could be so horrific. I don't know what's worse, the foreboding that I'll never be able to taste that dream again, or that I've seen it all before. Dozens if not thousands of times, and they always end in the same way: someone's body on a cold metal slab.
In times of war, the ancient Amazons would meet with their male counterparts and mate, warrior to warrior, the next day to see the same men on the battlefield and slaughter them, or be slaughtered by them. What is this war that has the world echoing beyond time and that frail piece of social etiquette that deems it unethical to speak of? Still, it whispers and permiates everything. Every word, every gesture, every feeling, every piece of time with one sex and the other. We try to hide it with small skirmishes of feminism and homosexuality, but in the dusk of the day the war is still the same.
A comfortable sigh eminates from the dark brown haired woman laying smoothly in her covers beside me. Why can't I have her? Why would it not be right? Tucking her more firmly into her covers I kiss her forehead, smoothing the hair cascading in small streams across her face. Rising from beside the bed, I take my clothes from the floor and cover my nakedness all the while telling myself that no one will know, no one will figure out the mystery. No one will ask questions. . . If I believed that, I would be discrediting my team's forensic abilities. I stop at the buttons to my shirt, neglecting them to the sunlight.
The noon day Vegas sun is peeking through the holes in her apartment's thick burgundy black shades. Even the sun wants to unveil our secret. It was only once, only one night, one. . . infinite moment that will stay with me forever.
Problem is, it will stay with her, too. I've been so selfish these past few hours I didn't stop to think of how awkward life at work will become for us. Catherine'll be the first to notice something different. Especially in me.
Turning away from the window, I can hear her breathing getting heavier, more sporratic. A thin layer of sweaty film is rising onto her skin and her brow is furled. Her skin is cold to the touch. She's having a nightmare. It seems she needs me, if only for one day. I settle my body onto the bed, hearing the springs grieve their burden to the soft foam of the matress as I reach for her grasping hand pulling at the thin sheets. Taking it in mine, I wince at the strength of her fingers, bending lower, closer to her ear, I whisper,
"Sara" she heard me, mouth crept open slightly, it seemed to calm her, but I notice my own scowl as I feel her body tense with another wave of the nightmare. Putting my hand on her slick, naked back I whisper again, closer to her ear,
"Sara"
She woke up screaming. Acting quickly, I held her upwright body as she panted and shook, I don't think she knows I'm real.
"Let go! Let go of me! Get away!" she yells, struggling with my soothing hands. Letting go of her, I keep talking, hoping she'll wake up.
"Sara! Sara, it's me. Gil, shh, Sara, I'm here, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do, just tell me what to do!"
Heavily panting, I hear her answer garbled through the blankets, where she's sunk into the fetal position.
"It. . . was awful" I can barely make out her whisper, but encouraged with her words, I bend lower to her.
"What can I do?" I ask, watching her relax a bit and turn around to face me.
"Talk" she gulped. There is something heart breaking in seeing one of the strongest women in the world almost speechless in tears and terrors. Nestling into her, I pick up her amazing body and caress her carefully in my lap. I don't know what to say, so I just . . . begin.
"I. . ." I hear myself heave a heavy sigh, I'm no good at this.
"I don't think. . . damn it, Sara I'm no good at this. This whole. . . being. . . I guess life saps the strength out of people. Especially their words. And what are we without words? According to Shakespeare, life's a stage. I'm not so sure. Life's more of a theatre under the stars, or a catacomb beneath a heavy layer of rock, like Plato's Cave. I guess when you showed me something more than shadows I got scared of what the shadows would think, and I almost left without saying goodbye. . . without saying anything and it kills me. It kills me, Sara that we can't just give this a chance, that. . . that I'm your boss. It shouldn't matter, should it? . . . god Sara, you're so beautiful it's driving me insane! I guess I can better understand why people go to the extremes they do when . . . when you can show me such passion. I never really lived before. . . I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be making you feel better, not load you down with . . . I'm no good at this, Sara"
Turning to have her back to my chest, Sara reaches and clasps my hands in hers, "You're better than you think" I hear her, but it doesn't register as she sinks back down to the warm softness of her queen sized bed. I follow.
"Thanks for not leaving. . or whatever" Sara says, I must have chuckled, because she's turned to look at me with smiling eyes. The smile catches. Taking a daring move, I go to tickle her sides. She's most vulnerable there. I know that from an unfortunate incident between her and Greg. Unfortunate for Greg. He had crept behind her during Analysis, and poked his index fingers into the soft spots in her sides. You could hear her scream at county lock-up. Then again, it took Warrick and Nick to grab her before she killed him with a stray autopsy scalpel. Everyone had a good laugh over morning coffee. Greg's reaction?
"Seriously, I didn't know she was that ticklish!"
I must've been laughing, because she's looking at me funny.
"What?"
". . . Nothing"
"Something. What? Do I have something on my forehead?" she says that with that strange crinkle in her forehead that's so endearing. I'm afraid I'm getting lost in her face.
"No. . ."
"So,"
"I was just. . . thinking about the time Greg rammed his fingers in your sides"
"Aahh, I can beat that" she smirks, slapping my chest softly with her fingers.
"Try" I retort, rubbing my hands up and down her smooth toned back.
"What about. . . aha! The time Catherine hid behind your bug collection and made eery noises before tapping your head with a fake arm?"
Shuddering, I remember the heebie-jeebies,
"Blah. That was different"
"You screamed like a school girl!"
"Says who!?"
"The whole department! Brass thought Lindsey had gotten a hold of your spider collection!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
The sounds of our laughter feel. . like sweet bliss. Our foreheads touching, we instinctively clear our throats as my eyes go wide.
"What. . . are we doing?"
"Does this bother you?" she asks, running her hands down my chest, pulling my unbuttoned shirt aside.
"Not as much as. . ." my throat catches. I just can't say it.
"As much as going back to work?"
I nod. Why did God make you so intoxicating? I feel like a lepper being caressed by an angel.
"Suppose we don't tell them?"
"They'll know."
"Maybe not"
"Sara..."
"No, Gil, you listen. I'm not ready or prepared to give you up yet. Damn the others, they'll just have to . . . to live with it"
"Can we? Can we promise each other to act with an appropriate working relationship no matter what happens between us?"
"Little too late to be questioning that. We're going to have to deal with it, and that's final"
"I can. . do that" I gulp, standing on the destructive edge of the war between protocol and animal instinct. Instinct wins.
Leaning up, I savagely catch her breath in a kiss, ending everything in another bought of the passion that begot the problem in the first place.