Another Spider-Man 2 Parody
BY LARGEMARGE
Author's Note: This is it! Don't get scared now.
Disclaimer: In the first chapter.
If Only MJ Died Instead of Ock
Over at Ock's evil secret hideout, he's preparing to blow the city – er, to create fusion. Behind him Mary Jane watches and whistles at him.
Ooh boy, you still got it, Otto congratulates himself.
Then MJ starts yelling. "Hey! Yeah, you! I've gotta make a play in, like, twenty minutes. So let me go, okay?"
"Nice try, but...no. And did I mention Spider-Man's dead?Yep, dead as a doornail. Dead, dead, dead."
"He's not dead!" MJ shrieks, overcome at the very thought. "I don't believe you. Not with lips like those..."
"Well, believe whatever you want. Just don't bug me while I'm working on the Large Machine of Death."
Out of the corner of his eye, Otto/Ock sees Spider-Man creeping on the walls. Strangely, he does not seem surprised in the least, despite just declaring the impossibility of his survival. Aha! He's not dead! I knew it!
Meanwhile, Peter surprises MJ and begins to untie her.
"Oh, good. You're still alive," MJ says. "I knew you were too good of a kisser to be dead that easily. Hey, do me a favor, will you?"
"I am!" Peter says urgently, still trying to untie her.
"Oh, I meant besides that. Will you kiss me? I just want to know if you're a better kisser than my fiancé –"
Then Ock attacks Peter, cutting the conversation short. MJ screams a lot more than the situation calls for.
"Ha! I knew Harry wouldn't have the guts to do you in," Ock rages. "Which means I'm gonna have to do it. Like I don't have enough to do already!"
"Shut it down, Ock! " Peter yells in his macho Spider-Man voice. "Or you'll kill more people that I'll be unable to save, and it'll just mean more counseling bills for me. I just can't afford that!" Once again, his jaw does not move.
"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Ock informs him.
"Fine then," Peter says. "For your own sake, I hope you've been working out."
They fight for a while. Oh, and did I meantion MJ's not wearing a bra? Metal stuff starts flying towards the fusion thingy. So does MJ, and it's because of the metal shackles around her feet, not the metal plate in her head.
In a dramatic turn of events, Peter rescues MJ from becoming fusion food and deposits her safely on the ground. "Run!" he yells at her.
She doesn't run. Instead, she decides to hit Ock with a piece of wood. Brilliant.
Of course it doesn't work and MJ gets smacked around a bit. Then, thankfully, we don't see her or her bright ideas for a while.
Suddenly Ock's pointy knife thingy is back, as is his desire to turn Peter into superhero shish kebob. "Ha! You won't get away from me this time!" he vows. "Especially since that random umbrella-toting old lady is nowhere around!"
However, Peter does get away, and Ock gets electrocuted. Again.
Peter, meanwhile, pulls the plug on the whole fusion operation thing. However, the fusion thingy doesn't stop, but continues to grow in intensity in preparation for blowing up the city.
In an effort to reach Otto, Peter takes off his Spidey mask and kneels in front of him. "Hey Otto, how's it going?" he asks while Otto regains consciousness.
"Peter Parker!" Otto recognizes him. "Brilliant but lazy! Hey, what's up?"
"Well, let me explain." Peter pauses. "No, there is too much. Let me sum up. See, this big fusion thingy over here's about to blow. Help me destroy it."
Otto turns obstinate and grabs Peter around the throat in the Mighty Grip of Death. "No way, man! Do you know how long I've been working on that thing? Plus I held up a bank and stuff! We can't just destroy it, just like that!"
"You once spoke to me about intelligence. That it was a gift to be used for the good of mankind."
Otto groans. "Not that stupid moral again! We've already been over this!"
Peter wheezes. "Sometimes to do what's right we have to give up what we really want, like me and MJ."
"The girl with the funny hat?" Otto clarifies.
"Right."
Otto finally releases Peter from the Grip of Death. "Oh, fine. If that's how it's got to be. I'll go destroy the stupid thing. Just doesn't seem fair, though, that I spent the whole movie making it." He goes off, grumbling, to destroy the fusion thingy.
Peter turns around to see MJ gazing at him with the Stare of Stunned Disbelief. They exchange some meaningful glances until a wall starts to fall on MJ.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Peter screams dramatically, because the audience wouldn't have known the full extent of his feelings otherwise.
Mary Jane is totally inept at getting out of the way. In fact, she doesn't even try to. Anyone else feel like braining her? Personally, I was hoping the wall would fall on her and turn her into mashed potatoes.
Peter jumps in front of the wall and holds it up. While he's just standing there, he decides to have a completely irrelevant conversation with Mary Jane.
"Hey, what's happening?" he asks.
"Not much. Gee, you're really strong…" she notices.
"Yeah, this is really heavy," Peter agrees, grunting and groaning a lot to keep the two of them from being turned into pancakes.
Over at the fusion thingy, Otto's tearing the thing down and sending it into the river.
"MJ, in case we die…" Peter wheezes.
"I know…you still owe me twenty bucks. It's okay."
"No, not that," he gasps out.
"What then?"
"There's something I have to tell you…"
"What is it?"
"I'm….Spider-Man," he wheezes.
"Oh. But I already knew that," she points out.
"Oh, fine. Are you going to make me say it?"
"Say what?" she asks in confusion.
"That I love you!" he yells.
"You do?" MJ blushes. "Even though you said you didn't?"
"Well, yeah. That was just a lame attempt to carry on the romantic suspense for a few minutes longer."
Over in the river, Otto sends the machine plunging deep into the water and vows aloud, "I will not die a monster!"
Actually, he will, but why quibble over a little thing like that?
Peter throws off the wall with superhero strength and pulls MJ out of the rubble so they can go build a creepy spider's web.
Oh, and Otto/Ock dies. Presumably.
Over at the creepy web, Peter and Mary Jane stare at each other a lot.
"Guess what?" she asks. "I always knew who you really were. All this time. I was just playing along for the sake of the movies."
"Really?" he asks. "Then you know why we can't be together. Because…well, I don't really know. That part of the plot has never really made sense to me."
She puts a hand on his arm. "It's okay. I understand." She tears up. "But could you get me a tissue?"
Then he lowers her to the ground via his wrist-web and she makes out with Jameson again. Who has big ears, have I pointed out?
Part Two of Return of the Dead Guys:
Back at his mansion, Harry fondles his knife and thinks about Peter and his aftershave lotion. Suddenly…he hears a noise!
"Bwahahahahahahaha!"
Yep, that laugh was definitely hard to miss. He'd heard something, all right.
"Bwahahahahahahaha!"
"Who is it?" Harry asks, frightened. "Who's there?"
"Son, it's me!" Harry's dad appears in the Mirror of Insanity.
"Dad? I thought you were dead! Peter killed you!"
"No, I'm alive in the mirror, Harry. Anytime you need to talk to me, just come back here and we can have a little heart to heart. Now, let's get down to business. You swore you'd kill Spider-Man and avenge my death, and here you've let Peter go! What were you thinking?"
Harry shrugs. "But Peter's my bestest friend in the whole world! How can I kill him?"
"Use the knife, Harry," his father tells him impatiently. "Oh, you were weak. You were always weak. And you always will be weak until you kill Peter Parker! Be strong, Harry! Avenge me!"
"Nooooo!" Harry yells at the mirror before breaking it in. "I'm not Hamlet!"
Behind the mirror Harry discovers the Secret Green Goblin Lair. Which is kinda creepy, but he hangs out there for a little while anyway. What can this mean for the next movie? Dun dun dun!
Over at Mary Jane and JonBoy's wedding, MJ looks really depressed. Besides that, her bridesmaids are wearing black. That's just asking for some kind of trouble.
Meanwhile, in the chapel, everyone waits for MJ to come walking down the aisle, but instead a black-clad bridesmaid comes running in with a note for the pseudo-groom. He reads it and looks ticked off.
"Call Debra," Mr. Jameson whispers to his wife.
"The caterer?" she asks, confused.
"Tell her not to open the peanuts."
Mary Jane runs through a park in her wedding dress, which, incidentally, looks like another Mentos commercial.
Up in his apartment, Peter's sitting on his bed with the door open, staring depressingly out of the window. And it's certainly lucky MJ's not throwing a car or anything at him, because for some reason he didn't hear her come up behind him.
So anyway, then Peter finally notices Mary Jane standing there. He jumps. "Whoa, you scared the crap out of me." He notices the wedding dress. "Say, don't you have somewhere to be right now?"
"Just my wedding, but that's no big deal," she tells him. "Actually, I just ran out on Jon. And not just because he's a terrible kisser."
"Then why?" Peter asks out of curiosity.
She shrugs. "Peter. I can't survive without you. As often as I get kidnapped by evil villains, I need you around to keep saving me all the time. In the name of self-preservation, I've run out on Jon."
"Okay, but you should know Mr. Jameson's the only one who'll buy my pictures. When he finds out you ran out on his son for me…I'm just saying, he probably won't want to buy any of my pictures from now on, so you're gonna have to support us. Which is good for me, cause then I won't have to miss my afternoon soap..."
MJ interrupts. "Can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? Even though I'm totally inept at getting away from evil villains, I candecide for myself who I want to marry. Oh, and just so you know, I am definitely not living in this hellhole of an apartment. My place is way nicer."
"Um, okay,"
"So here I am, standing in your doorway. I've always been standing in your doorway."
Peter pauses to consider. "Well, only if by always you mean, at best, the last year."
She sighs with frustration. "Okay, fine! So I haven't always been standing in your doorway! I was hoping you would just forget the first movie ever happened."
"Okay," Peter finally says. "So can we make out now? Because you know that's the only reason the audience is still here."
They kiss, but they're interrupted by a police siren.
Peter looks torn.
"Oh, don't worry about me," she tells him. "I'll just be here packing up your stuff." She turns away from him but Peter doesn't move.
"Well?" he asks impatiently. "Are you going to say it?"
She folds her arms. "Do I have to?"
"Say it," Peter demands.
She sighs. "But it's the stupidest line of the whole movie! Well, apart from that whole chocolate cake scene, I mean. Oh, all right." There's a small pause while she takes a breath, then says, "…go get 'em, tiger."
Peter flies off happily, while MJ runs to the window to watch with a melancholy look on her face.
"What a stupid line to end on," she mutters to herself.
Author's Note: Thanks again to everyone who has kindly reviewed! Hope I haven't permanently offended any Spider-Man fans.