Hi. *Waves* So, I don't know if anyone will still read this, but it's exam period, so I figured, what better thing is there to do than write a story I've abandoned for ages? Yeah, my logic is impeccable. If you read it, cool. If not, cool. Either way, I got to procrastinate.

XIX - Life, In a Nutshell

Despite what she'd told Paige, when Ellie entered Ms. Sauve's office the next day, it had become a big deal. She tugged at her left armwarmer, first pulling the bottom down lower over her hand, then the top higher above her elbow. Ms. Sauve looked at her expectantly, and after meeting her eyes for precisely two microseconds, Ellie shifted her gaze to the clock on the counsellor's desk. But three minutes turned into four, and she could no longer bear the silence.

"Um," she said.

"Yes?"

"So, my dad's awake."

"Laura mentioned that. I'm so glad to hear it!"

Ellie nodded. "I'm going to see him again tonight. At six."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Good, of course," Ellie said, a little too quickly. The counsellor said nothing. "Well, a little nervous, too. Um, yesterday didn't exactly go so well."

"No?"

"No." More silence. "My mom was there, and she wanted to pretend we were some big happy family. Like everything was fine."

"But that's not what you wanted?"

Ellie shook her head. "No. I can't lie to him like that. He's my dad. And she doesn't deserve it. But . . . he doesn't deserve the truth. He deserves better."

"Will she be there when you go today?"

"I made sure she wouldn't be. Well, Ms. Kwan did. She made some calls." Ellie looked up, guilty. "I know, I know. I should have done my own calling. I just can't. Not yet. It's all just too much."

"How have you been handling things since getting out of the hospital?"

An even longer silence, this time. "Okay." Ms. Sauve refused to retract her expectant glance. "Well, mostly okay. Sort of." Ellie laughed nervously. "Why aren't you saying anything?"

"It's my job to listen."

"Look," Ellie burst out, "we both know what I'm not saying. I screwed up. Okay? I screwed up again. I--" She took a short, gasping breath.

"Take your time," Sauve said gently.

Ellie glared at the floor, hearing the seconds tick away. She noticed the specks of dirt, and scuffed one toe across the dirty surface. "You know," she said. "I cut." The words seemed to echo in the suddenly-too-small-too-large office.

Sauve nodded. "Okay. I appreciate you telling me. I know it's not easy."

Ellie blinked, her expression dull. "The cutting is easy."

"Yes, I suppose it is."

"And the telling--the knowing if I do it, I'll have to tell--that's hard. But not cutting is harder. It took me awhile, you know. To find something sharp enough. Because when I grabbed my things from home, I didn't have time to search. Sean hid his razor somewhere. Not that I blame him. And I'd been doing well; you know I had been. So I didn't have a secret stash. So then I was with Ms. Kwan and, I mean, how am I supposed to find something there? Am I supposed to steal from her? I just . . . I didn't know what to do." The words tumbled out, and it was with some relief that Ellie finally shifted her gaze to meet Sauve's eyes. "I didn't know how to do anything else. I don't know how to do anything else."

"So what did you end up doing?"

Ellie shook her head. "It sounds so pathetic when I say it. But I had some of my favourite CD's with me, and I just . . ." she shrugged. "I broke one. And I used it. And I know, it wasn't exactly sanitary or any of that stuff but I didn't care. It didn't matter."

"It sounds like you were feeling pretty desperate."

"Yeah."

"When was this, exactly?"

"After we got back from the hospital. Before school. I think my adrenaline had run out, but the coffee had kicked in. I was, I don't know, agitated. Couldn't seem to sit still for more than five seconds at a time. And hurting, physically, was all I could think about." She swiped at the tears forming in her eyes, faking a yawn to try to cover the show of emotion. "I'm scared it's always going to be like this." She opened her mouth to say more, then shut it again, dropping eye contact once more. Then, "will it always be like this?" She barely whispered the words.

"I don't think it will. Listen, you were in recovery, but not for that long. And your life was uprooted pretty quickly. While I can't say I'm happy about the cutting, I'm not surprised. And that's not because I don't think you can handle things, it's because I think that's how you've learned to handle things. It isn't a long-term solution--I think we can both agree on that--but I don't know that it's worse than some of the alternatives. We'll work on it. And continue to work on it. Together. You're not in this alone."

"I feel like I'm letting everyone down. All the time. You know, I say I'm doing my best and seem to convince them, and you, of that but it feels like I'm hardly trying. When I'm honest with myself, it feels like I should be doing more. Could be doing more. I'm sorry." She squirmed in her seat, growing increasingly uncomfortable with the revelations.

"I believe that you are doing your best. Not because you tell me you are, but because I see it. I don't know if that's any comfort to you. But give it a little longer, okay?" She offered a gentle smile. "You did well today. Same time tomorrow?"

Ellie nodded, relieved to be off the hook for the moment. "Yeah, I guess so." She stood, awkwardly, and heaved her backpack up and over one shoulder.

"Good luck tonight."

Ellie allowed herself a small smile. "Thanks. I think it'll be good. Even if it's hard. I think tonight will be okay." She took three short steps to the door, twisted the metal knob, and left the room without looking back.

She very nearly bumped into one Paige Michalchuk.

"Long time, no see," Paige managed.

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah."

Paige narrowed her eyes almost imperceptibly at the dazed look on the red-head's face. "Are you okay?" Ellie seemed to snap to attention at that. She gestured at the door. "Ah, yes."

"I will be," Ellie said. She stopped herself from adding the words of uncertainty swirling in her head. Surely if she stopped saying them, that would be the first step to stopping the thoughts. "Your turn for the inquisition, then?"

"No, actually. I was just on my way out." Ellie gave her a quizzical look. "I dropped classes. I just finished my second--and last--of the day."

"Lucky."

"What about you?"

"Art. Not that I'll be doing anything, since I finished my painting last week, when I was in the hospital."

Paige barely had a moment to think before she heard her own voice. "Then come get coffee with me instead."

"With you?" Ellie echoed.

"Well, I mean, if you don't want to go to class." Paige back-pedalled desperately, hoping to save some shred of her self-esteem. "You just seemed to want to skip it, that's all."

"You're right. I do. Let's go."

They made an interesting pair, as they exited the building. Paige, heavy-footed in old sneakers and a new pair of size large sweatpants (pink) trudged with her head down and shoulders slumped. And Ellie, in her sullen blacks and reds and solid combat boots lifted her face to the sun, closing her eyes for a moment and letting the warmth seep into her pores. It was an uncharacteristic role reversal, but neither noticed the irony in their body language. And three minutes later, they were across the street and in the very deserted Dot.

Ellie headed for a window seat, but Paige directed her into the corner instead. "No offence hon, but I'm not really looking for an audience."

"Because you're with me."

"Because I haven't showered in three days and you're supposed to be in class."

Ellie smirked. "Good point. The naughty corner it is." Ellie perched one of the chairs, and watched curiously as Paige plopped down into another. "Still not feeling so well?"

"I think I'm getting a bit better," Paige said, but she didn't sound convinced.

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Coffee and junk food it is. Want to split a large fries?"

And suddenly, Paige's stomach was rumbling. "Sure," she said, before she could stop herself.

Ellie trod over to the counter to order, not bothering to wait for the one staff member to notice their presence and visit the table instead. When she returned, Paige was staring blankly into space, and Ellie saw that her hands were trembling.

"Hey," she said. "Are you okay? You're shaking."

Paige glanced down, then up again. "Oh, that. Yeah, when I get tired, it happens. Which is all the time lately."

"Oh," Ellie said. "Well, maybe food will help." As if on cue, the waitress appeared and set two coffees before them, and a large basket of fries with smaller cups of ketchup. Ellie smiled. "Dig in!" She popped a fry into her mouth, and Paige did the same after a moment's hesitation.

It didn't take them long to demolish their food. And then, for Paige, the anxiety set in. She cleared her throat, took a nervous sip of her almost-gone coffee, and squirmed around in her seat. "'Scuse me for a minute," she said, and headed to the washroom before Ellie could respond.

She darted into one of the stalls, yanking the door shut behind her, and dropped to her knees. She was already gagging; lately, it seemed, more often than not, she didn't even need to force the vomiting. There were tears in her eyes, from the exertion, the acrid stench, and the desperation at what she was doing, but she scarcely noticed. She ripped off a piece of toilet paper, patted clean her mouth, flushed the toilet, and opened the stall door, only to see Ellie standing right in her way, eyes wide. "H-hi," Paige stammered.

"Hi," Ellie repeated, voice dulled.

"I was just--"

"Are you--"

"Fine," Paige said. "Totally fine."

"Oh. It's just, you didn't sound fine."

"What were you doing in here, anyway?"

"I had to pee--wait, why are we talking about me? Paige?"

Paige pushed past Ellie, and with a violent twist of the taps, shoved her hands in under the running water. She got some soap from the pump and began washing, meticulously scrubbing every bit of dirt, and imagined dirt, from her skin and under her nails.

"Totally fine," Paige repeated. And Ellie didn't quite know how to respond to that.