Zunascht Nach Tag: Conclusions (Anime and Manga Spoilers)

Hey, I'm Edward Elric, and I've come back from the grave to tell all you curious readers what happens. Oh, did I say I'm dead? Well, I am. Dead as a doornail.

Anyway, the writer, Moses Recinly, got fed up with the story. Seriously, guys, it's not that good. Wait three years, go back, and read it again. You'll see what I mean. Consider this: a fangirl of this story emails Ms. Recinly and writes a pretty obnoxious, though endearing, fanletter. For some obscure reason or another, Ms. Recinly wrote her back. They became best friends, happy ending. The fangirl helped edit the damn thing. They stopped writing it. They moved on to bigger and better things, such as phone RPing, manga reading, and getting injured at the beach. Be careful of jellyfish. And sharp rocks.

The point of that story is that, after about two and a half years, this "fangirl" blossomed into a fine fanlady and reread Zunascht. And laughed. Then she cried, but for all the wrong reasons. She was probably on her period. That aside, did you know that anal sex without lubrication really hurts? Go back and read that first lemon; you'll see what I mean. And did you ever consider that "lemon" is a really weird word to describe sex? Seriously, who came up with that? And why did they stick with it? Isn't it just easier to say "sex?" Makes it easier for the newbies. Don't want to confuse 'em too bad. And what the hell is up with lightbulb!Envy? Does that mean something in particular? I've never found myself envious of any lightbulbs. And seriously, his name is Wrath, not Moofy! If anything, call him Irwin. At least Irwin's a real name. Moofy. It's not even a word. Calling Sesshoumeru "Fluffy," at least, makes sense. I mean, everyone came up with that on their own. He wears a big FLUFFY thing around his neck! People are going to start talking. And yes, I know I do that in the manga. I swear, if you guys start calling me "Fluffy…" but I digress.

I'm sure you're all very curious as to what exactly brought about my death. If you're curious, you're probably a dumbass. Or maybe you're just not too good with the big words, so you skipped over them. In that case, you'd be a really bad alchemist. So take the little AlChEmIsT off of your Myspace, and learn how to use proper capitalization. And by the way, "teh" isn't a word. Nor is "pron" or "secks" or "chu." "Chu" is only acceptable when referring to Pikachu, and it is certainly not acceptable when writing dialogue for Jonouchi.

Okay, back to the whole "me being dead" thing. If you'd been paying the slightest bit of attention, you'd have realized that from the very beginning of the story, I was dying of mitochondritis. For those of you who just skipped over that big word, I was dying of a disease. Fatally ill. SICK. Not gonna get better; Ms. Recinly had planned to kill me from the beginning, and the magical power of Roy's unlubricated anal sex was not enough to save my life. Nor were gay horses. In case you didn't notice, those horses a few chapters back? They were gay. Those shifty glances? Nah, they weren't plotting, except maybe to have some SEX with each other. Either way, I was in recession. RE-CES-SION. Say it with me! Toughen up, fangirls! You too, Mary-Sue! Anyway, the meds actually made my condition worse. I think that was in a chapter. Don't really feel like going back and looking at it right now. So, yes, I died. It was sad. People cried, businesses closed, the Earth stopped turning, and my birthday became a national holiday. Don't forget to mail expensive Fullmetal Day gifts to Ms. Recinly on January 26! Give some to your friends, too! Skip school that day! Send cards to people! It'll be the new section in Hallmark. I hear they were looking for one of those. You know, in case Grandparents' Day fell through, or they ran out of "I'm-sorry-you-have-restless-leg-syndrome" cards.

There is an alternative ending, in which case, the magical power of Roy's anal sex and Al's incessant kitten-collecting DOES, in fact, save my life, and I make a full recovery! HUZZAH! In this story, as soon as I walk out of the hospital, I'm hit by a renegade ambulance and die instantly. So, yes, I died. It was sad. People cried, businesses closed, the Earth stopped turning, etc, etc. Don't forget to mail expensive Fullmetal Day gifts to Ms. Recinly on January 26.

In either case, I'm dead. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I died, I'm dead. It was my time. The automail was going to keep me from living a normal lifespan, anyway. Think about it. Not only are giant hunks of metal huge inconveniences, they take a pretty big toll on the body.

If you're still unhappy with either of these endings, go watch Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series. It'll probably cheer you up. In case that doesn't do the trick, feel free to write your own ending, and submit it to Ms. Recinly! The best one will be posted after this chapter! Hell, rewrite the whole story; we'd appreciate it! She and that fanlady I mentioned earlier were planning on doing it, but, remember: bigger and better things. They're too goddamn busy effing with the jellyfish. Do not try that at home, but if you do, bring vinegar.

You may or may not be pleased to know that my death was not the end of the story. You see, I'd written a letter before I departed. Cliché, I know, but these things just tend to happen when you write fanfiction.

This letter said:

Dearest Moses Recinly,

I want to congratulate you on your success with the fanladies. They seem to simply adore you.

Sorry. Wrong letter. Anyway, the letter in question said something along the lines of:

Dearest Roy Mustang,

I want to congratulate you on your success with the fanladies. They seem to simply adore you. You must, however, turn your attention away from these fine females for just a moment, as it appears that I am dead, and my brother will be desperately depressed without me. As my final wish, I beseech you to fall in love him, have sex with him, or really do anything at all to lift his spirits. Otherwise, I am sure he will quickly follow me into the afterlife, or wherever it is we atheists go when we die.

Farewell, my dearest Roy, and remember that my love for you will continue to burn strongly even after the flame of my life has been extinguished. After all, your flame will keep on burning.

Be gentle with Alphonse. Handle with care. Use lubrication!

Sincerely yours,

Edward N. Elric

p.s. The "N" stands for "Nicholas"

p.p.s. Al's middle name is Ptolemy. I totally won on the middle name front.

p.p.p.s. The "P" is silent. Like "pneumonia," or "pterodactyl." (Come on fangirls, you

can do this.)

Yeah, that's about how it went. Al and Roy fell in love, had some sex, I think one of Al's cats had kittens, and I'm pretty sure one of them was named Edward. Or maybe it was named Nicholas, to make it a little less cliché.

I hope your curiosity has been satisfied and you've been mildly insulted at least once during this diatribe. After all, if you're reading this chapter, you've obviously read most of Zunascht and deserve a little insulting. You're officially a fangirl. Congrats, you don't deserve a trophy. Maybe a pizza trophy.

But don't feel too bad! I died in the anime, too. A couple times, actually. I mean, seriously, I got hit by an effing zeppelin! Who gets hit by an effing zeppelin?

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Edward N. Elric

p.s. It's still Nicholas.