Disclaimer: Didn't you all hear? I don't own TMNT.

Note: This fic. is intended to be utterly absurd and contain ridiculous amounts of good 'ol nonsense. Those with weak hearts, who are pregnant, or any other serious ailments, I advise you to read no further. You have been warned.

The Price of Pepperoni

Getting Prepared

Log Entry 1

Today is the first official day of record for my new experiment. I have developed an untested theory in the my spare time, something I have plenty of since we discovered the Foot planned a little clan reunion in Key West. What's up with that?

Anyway, here's my question that needs to be tested:

What would happen if a test subject were to ingest pizza for every meal, for one month?

Now isn't that our fondest wish? To be able to consume that cheesy circle smothered in tomato sauce with toppings unimaginable sprinkled on top…Ahem, I'm getting off track. Oh shoot, I drooled on my notebook…

Thus I present my hypothesis:

If a turtle were to consume a form of pizza for every meal for one month, then he would bring utter doom to his health.

The only problem now is to conduct the experiment…I shall need to compile a list of necessary items to test this scientific hypothesis.

1. A willing and ready test subject.

That's a no brainer…Mikey will do it. Okay—check.

2. Proper resources, such as ingredients for pizza.

Now, where to obtain the proper funding? Plenty of scientific geniuses have had their projects come to a halt due to a lack of income. I will need to secure some potential investors. Raph and Casey will help…they'd pay anything to see Michelangelo endlessly engorge himself for an entire month. Right then—check.

3. An assistant to help keep records of the test subject's vitals, basic health factors such as weight and blood pressure, and help me form predictions along the way.

Hmm…I suppose April would be the most helpful, but I highly doubt she will want a part in this…er, type of experiment. She wouldn't be able to appreciate the finer details anyway…right. So I guess Leo is the best candidate. It will also make for interesting tensions between him and the test subject. Leo is sure to get on Mikey's case about eating so poorly. Good—check.

4. Convince parental figure/ ninja master that this project has some worth, and that it will not permanently damage Mikey in anyway.

This one shall be more difficult. Master Splinter will hardly approve…perhaps a generous bribe will help him to "look the other way", so to speak. I'll work on that one—check.

I think that covers everything. At the finish of this experiment, we will all hopefully learn something valuable. That finishes my first entry log.

Day One

Log Entry 2

Today is the commencement of Experiment Pizza. When the test subject was asked if he was willing to participate in this scientific study, I was immediately squeezed in a hug until my green skin must have tinged blue from lack of oxygen as he shouted, "Donnie, you've made my dream come true. You're the coolest scientist I know!" Considering Mikey's enthusiastic agreement to be my test subject, I'd say we're off to a solid start.

After discussing a financial aid system with Raphael and Casey, I now have a steady source of income for my project. As I predicted, they were both more than overjoyed to assist in something of this nature. Raph has also kindly volunteered to record the entire process on video. He mentioned something about being able to look back on this and laugh just as hard the first time around, as well as a mutter that sounded like "blackmail". It's actually nice to have support from my normally scientifically inept brothers.

Leo reluctantly agreed to help me gather and record the required data. The only reason I think he is joining in on the project is to make sure no one gets hurt…he shouldn't worry so much, what's the worst that could happen?

Getting Splinter to look the other way proved to be much easier than anticipated. When I mentioned I was willing to do almost anything for him to allow this experiment to happen, his eyes lit up. Ah, that reminds me. Note to self: Make a digital video recorder for Master Splinter to record all of his soaps automatically.

Now then…to fetch Michelangelo so we can take some initial stats before he begins to ingest grotesque amounts of our favorite greasy treat…