Author's Notes: First off, let me thank a few people. Razzz, your story "Man to Man" inspired me to write this, so I hope you like it. Thanks to Chris Davies, whose never ending supply of Sailor Moon fanfics helps me through the withdrawals of not having new episodes. Keep up the great work. Also, a thanks to all the other fanfic writers out there whose work I have enjoyed. You are too numerous to list everyone, but I bet you know who you are. Last, but not least, thanks to Gilberto David (Tuxedo Kamen) Grana and Tim Hunton for being patient enough to read my story and make some suggestions so hopefully it's near perfect by this time.
Timeline: This story takes place a few days after Serena and Darien
get back together, but before the end of Sailor Moon R.
Insecurities
Part 1
By Corina "Mako" Borsuk
On this sunny afternoon, a young couple strolled through the park. The dark haired man had his right arm wrapped protectively around the young girl as she leaned against him ever so slightly. To any casual observer, it would seem that everything was perfect for the pair, but things were far from perfect.
"Serena, is something wrong? You seem a little distracted."
It took a few, noticeable moments before the blond looked up in response. "I'm fine Darien, really. Everything is fine," she said quietly.
Darien wasn't convinced. He knew something was bothering her. He just didn't know what. Ever since he met her after class, she'd been quiet and withdrawn. Even when he suggested a trip to the arcade or the maltshop, she had remained silent. This wasn't like Serena at all and it worried him.
After everything he had put her through the last few weeks, all the pain and heartache, he wanted to do everything he could to make her happy. He couldn't do anything, though, if he didn't know what was wrong. That just meant he'd have to try again. He owed Serena that much and more.
"Are you sure you're ok? You're not sick or," here Darien paused. When he continued, his tone was more subdued. "Or mad at me for breaking up with you before?" Suddenly, Serena had him in a vice-like hug, which almost knocked Darien to the ground. Regaining his balance, he wrapped his arms around Serena and returned the hug.
"Of course I'm not mad at you muffin. I know you just did it to protect me." The two maintained the embrace for a few more moments before resuming their walk. As they continued on, both were lost in thought. Darien was reassured that Serena wasn't upset with him, but he wasn't satisfied that she was all right. She had lapsed back into silence with a serious, worried expression etched on her beautiful face.
Suddenly, Serena began to shiver and Darien could almost feel her confusion and fear. In response, he held her just a little tighter. He wanted so badly to comfort her, to make right whatever was wrong. It hurt him a little that she didn't confide in him, but he wouldn't force things. For now, all he could do was be there for her. That would have to be enough.
Suddenly, the silence was broken as Serena, in a quivering voice, asked, "Darien, do you love me? I mean, really love me?"
So, that's what's bothering her, thought Darien. He should have guessed. After the break-up, it wasn't surprising she would be a little insecure about their relationship. Even before that, Serena had often asked that question. It didn't surprise or offend him, not anymore. The first few times she'd asked, Darien was disappointed that she had so little faith in his love. Now he knew she asked not because she doubted him, but because she doubted herself.
Darien had never known anyone with as little self-confidence as Serena. She doubted every action, every decision. It was even worse when she was Sailor Moon. She had no faith in herself or her abilities. Once, Serena even admitted to him she didn't think she was worthy of being Sailor Moon or the moon princess. Darien took it upon himself to encourage her whenever he could. That was one of the reasons he gave those speeches as Tuxedo Mask. Even he had to admit they were sometimes a bit corny, but it was important Serena learn to believe in herself.
So, when she asked him if he loved her, Darien knew she was really doubting her own self worth. He also knew the best and only way to snap her out of this was to reassure her that he did indeed love her.
Darien came to a stop, Serena stopping with him. Her head was bowed down as she stared at the ground. Darien cupped her chin in his hand and gently lifted her head up to face him. He waited until she was looking him in the eyes before speaking.
"Serena, you should know by now that no matter what happens, I will always be your prince and you will always be my princess." Darien expected Serena's usual reaction, a hug or at least a smile, but the response he received shocked him more than words could say.
Serena stiffened in his arms, tears welling up in her beautiful blue eyes. She began to sob, deep, wracking sobs. She pushed herself from his arms, turning to face him. The pained look in her eyes tore at Darien's soul. Tentatively, he reached out to her, but she pulled away.
"It's true, isn't it?" Serena asked between broken sobs. "You don't really love me. You never did. I always knew you could never love a stupid, clumsy, crybaby like me. Raye was right, you only protect me because you think you have too, because of what was. Well, you don't have to pretend anymore. I won't expect you to come to my rescue or be nice to me or anything ever again!"
Darien just stood there, staring at Serena. He didn't understand what was going on, not a word. All he knew was Serena was deeply upset and he wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her. He took a slow step toward her, whispering her name. Just before his fingers could wipe away the tears running down her cheek, Serena gave one last sob, turned and raced away. For a moment, Darien was too stunned to do anything but watch. When it finally hit him, he raced after her at top speed. Serena was already in the street by the time he reached the corner. He winced as a car just barely managed to miss hitting her. By the time he made it across the street, Serena was nowhere in sight.
Darien leaned against a wall a sighed. He still didn't understand what had upset Serena so much. And what in the world had she been talking about? Of course he loved her. And what did she mean he could stop pretending? None of it made any sense. He had to find Serena and find out what was going on. Darien closed his eyes, concentrating, counting on the fact he would be able to sense where she was, just as he always did. He got a sense of her general direction, but before he could pinpoint her, his eyes snapped open.
"Raye was right."
He distinctly remembered Serena saying that Raye was right, but right about what? Somehow, Darien knew that when he found the answer to that, he would know what was wrong with Serena. That decided, he pushed himself away from the wall he was leaning against and headed for the Cherry Hill Temple.
**********
As Darien walked up the steps to the Cherry Hill Temple, the first thing he saw was a raven-haired beauty wearing the traditional garb of a Shinto priestess. The girl was down on her knees, her palm open as two midnight black ravens literally ate right out of her hand. Darien shook his head, knowing the birds would probably flee as soon as he approached, but it couldn't be helped. He had to talk to her.
When Darien was a few feet from the top of the steps, the two birds predictably winged off at his approach. Raye looked up and waved at Darien, even as she began getting to her feet. "Hi Darien. If you're looking for Serena, she isn't here."
"Actually Raye, I was just with Serena and that's why I need to talk to you."
"You need to talk to me?" Raye asked, a little flustered. "Well, uh, sure. Follow me." She led him to the patio and motioned for him to sit beside her. Patiently, she waited for Darien to say what was on his mind.
"Look Raye, Serena's really upset about something and I think you can tell me what it is."
"Me? How would I know what upset that Meatball Head. Maybe she lost her comic books again."
"Raye, I'm serious. She was really upset. She started sobbing and . . . and then she ran away from me."
"She what? She ran from you?"
"Yeah, but before that she said something about you being right."
"Well, of course I'm right. It's about time that ditz realized that." The look Darien gave her made her snap her mouth shut. When she continued, she was much more serious. "Right about what?"
"I was hoping you could tell me."
"Well, what else did she say?"
"Something about how I never loved her, how I could stop pretending. But I have no idea what she's talking about."
Raye was starting to get an idea what this was all about, but she wanted to be sure before she said anything to Darien. "What were you two talking about before that?"
"Uhm, she was sort of depressed and she asked if I loved her."
"What did you say?"
"I told her I loved her, of course," Darien said indignantly, after all, what else did Raye think he would say. Except he hadn't actually said the words I love you, he admitted to himself, but Serena knew what he meant.
"What else, exactly?"
"I told her she would always be my princess and I would always be her prince, why?"
"Damn, that Meatball Head would pick now to listen to me."
"Listen to you about what? What's going on?"
"Yesterday, Serena and I had a fight. She got on my nerves and I guess I said some things I shouldn't have. I told her . . ." Raye paused, not wanting to admit to Darien what she'd done. She was ashamed of herself for causing him and Serena pain they certainly didn't need. They both had been through more than their share of heartache in recent weeks and here she was adding to it.
"I said you didn't really love her. I told her you only stayed with her because you thought you had to, because she's the princess. And that's why you rescued her as Sailor Moon too. If you really loved her, you would have loved her before you knew she was Sailor Moon and the princess. I told her you were too smart and sophisticated to love some stupid crybaby."
"Why Raye? Why would you say something like that?"
"Because I had enough of everyone always codling her and helping her when she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Because I'm tired of her not taking her duty as Sailor Moon seriously, because we always have to bail her out of trouble. There are a dozen reasons that I was angry with her that day, but mostly it was because I was jealous that she has you and I don't!" Raye's eyes began to shimmer with unshed tears and she turned to flee inside the temple before Darien could see. Darien was faster, grabbing her arm and holding her there.
"Raye, I'm sorry. I never knew you felt that way. To me, we were just friends. Serena's the only girl I could ever love."
"How could you not know?" Raye shouted. "It was painfully obvious to everyone else, even Serena. She was even jealous for awhile. But I guess I should have expected that from you. You've always been good at keeping yourself at a distance from everything and everyone. The only problem with that is that when you finally want to get close, you don't know how, do you?
"I know I was wrong. I don't have any claim to you and don't worry, I won't let my feelings come between you and Serena anymore. But I'm not the only one to blame. You're just as responsible for this as I am."
Now it was Darien's turn to be angry, but his was a quieter, colder anger. "I don't see how this is my fault. You were the one who intentionally hurt one of your best friends. You're the one who let jealousy cloud your judgement. Serena and I are the victims here."
"Serena yes, you, Darien, no. Think about it for just a second. Would Serena have believed a single thing I said if you hadn't given her reason to doubt your love?"
"You know I broke up with Serena for her own protection. I never wanted to hurt her."
"Never wanted to hurt her, or never wanted to hurt yourself? I'm not just talking about the break up, although I have to wonder why you didn't trust Serena enough to share your fears with her. I'm talking about everything, like the way you keep yourself at a distance from her, physically and emotionally."
"I don't . . ."
"Oh, please. You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, even if you don't want to admit it. I've seen the two of you together. I've seen the way you back away from her, separate yourself from her when people are around. Even when you think you're alone, you hold back, as if you're afraid to really hold her close. And you hold back your heart too. I know Serena shares just about everything with you, her hopes and dreams, her fears. She trusts you without question, without reservation, but you don't return that trust. You hold back, never revealing to her your true feelings. You hide everything behind references to the past, or evasive answers. Ask yourself, how many times have you ever just held Serena in your arms and told her that you love her, right now, unconditionally? Have you ever just opened up to her and shared yourself, your soul, with her as she so readily does with you?
"I don't think you have because I don't think you can. I think inside you're just a little boy who's terrified to let anyone in because you might be hurt like you have before. You've built walls around your heart to protect you from being hurt, but those same walls drive away any chance at happiness and love. They separate you from everyone, preventing you from trusting, from caring too deeply because you believe that can only lead to pain, but the pain comes from not trusting, not loving. If you're not careful, you'll lose the one thing that has brought any real joy to your life. Serena may be one of the most trusting and giving people I know, but no one can continue to give so much of themselves without getting a little something in return. So you had better learn to break through the walls around your heart, learn to give Serena the love she so desperately needs and deserves, because if you don't, you may lose her forever."
All the time Raye was saying this, Darien had maintained his grip on her arm, but when she stopped, he let go as if his hand was on fire. He wanted to deny every word Raye just said, but he couldn't. The words rang too true, too close to home. She was right, he had held back, trying to keep his true feelings hidden so he couldn't be hurt. So instead, he had hurt the one person in the world who made him happy, who brought light to his life, the person he loved more than life itself. But maybe, if he was lucky, maybe it wasn't too late to set things right, to tell Serena what was truly in his heart.
"Thank you Raye. I know what I have to do now." With that, Darien turned and walked away.
**********
continued in part 2
