Rating: PG Archive: Master_Apprentice, OKEB Classification: during TPM, angst Warnings: Angst; major TPM spoilers
Summary: Obi-Wan's reactions late in TPM (no more due to spoilers)
Feedback: Please? With Obi-Wan on top? Or bottom, I guess that depends on you :-) Seriously, please email me :-)
Disclaimer: Um, I won them playing sabbacc? Didn't think so. Dang it. Okay, great George, they are yours. But I like the way we play with them better at times. Meesa maka no monies.
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The first thing that Obi-Wan became aware of was the hum of the laser walls that guarded the sole entrance to the melting pit where a great duel had been won - at a terrible cost. The tears that had streamed down Obi-Wan's face as his Master had spoken his last words had dried, leaving salty paths on his cheeks.
Finally opening his eyes and raising his gaze to look around the room, Obi-Wan was struck by its silence. The harsh sounds of battle had faded into the stillness of mourning. His gaze again settled on Qui-Gon, and he felt another surge of emotion within his heart. Denial waged within him, thoughts of how it wasn't supposed to happen this way.
He was surprised by the half-laugh that tore from his throat as he recalled what Master Qui-Gon would have said to that. Everything happens for a purpose in the Force, Obi-Wan.
Closing his eyes tightly, he took a steadying breath. From the corner of his eye, he saw Qui-Gon's lightsaber, and attached it securely to his belt. A moment later, he carefully picked up his Master and cradled him in his arms.
While he waited for the first of the laser walls to cycle down, Obi-Wan forced his mind to be clear. There would be time for such things as grief later, when his duty to Qui-Gon was completed.
The first familiar face that greeted the weary Jedi, was Queen Amidala. When she had heard of his surprising appearance in the palace medical facilities, she had been shocked by the news that was relayed to her.
With the palace back under the Nubian control, she was again able to walk about freely. With but a single handmaid, she walked silently to the medical chambers. It was there that she found Obi-Wan, standing next to the body of his former master.
Sensing a new presence in the room, Obi-Wan turned to face Amidala, still in her guise of handmaiden. He managed a faint smile for the queen, along with an almost imperceptible nod. "Your Highness," he said with a proper bow.
The queen's eyes were saddened as she looked at Obi-Wan. She could see in his stiff bearing how hard he was working to control his emotions. She couldn't help but think he looked like a lost little boy, who was clutching to his emotions with the restraint of a man.
She looked down at Qui-Gon and back at Obi-Wan. "I was informed of your arrival," she said softly.
Obi-Wan again nodded. "This seemed like the best place to bring him," he paused before adding, "for the time being."
"A wise choice," the queen replied. "Here he will be guarded well. I will see to it."
"Thank you," Obi-Wan replied, again bowing slightly to the young ruler.
Observing the fast-tiring Jedi, Amidala said, "I will be most interested to hear what occurred." Obi-Wan opened his mouth to respond, but the queen held up a hand. "When you are ready, but now is not that time."
His relief showing in his eyes, Obi-Wan found himself incapable of anything but another tilt of his head. "I must speak with the Council first," he said finally. "However, if her Highness wishes as audience, a Jedi is not one to refuse."
"You sound like him," Amidala said quietly, glancing between the fallen Master and his apprentice.
Obi-Wan smiled faintly. "I can only try to live as an example of my Master's teachings," he replied, his gaze resting on Qui-Gon for a brief moment.
The queen nodded, "I only knew him a short while, but he will long be remembered among my people." At Obi-Wan's answering nod, she added quietly, "As will you, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Hearing her words, he tore his gaze from the Jedi to look at her. "Fame is not a virtue sought by a Jedi," he said, his voice a whisper.
"You're right, I'm sure," she said. "Now, why don't you rest? You look exhausted."
"I should stay here," he argued, displeased that he was letting his emotions show.
With a shake of her head, the queen interrupted him. Placing a hand on his elbow, she led him to the doorway. "You've done your part, now let us do ours."
"What about the boy?" Obi-Wan asked before she could continue.
Amidala smiled, "He helped save us all. But for the time being, he is being cared for."
"I should speak with him," Obi-Wan insisted.
Nodding, Amidala relented. "As you wish, Jedi Kenobi. I shall take you to him if you would like."
Bowing, Obi-Wan spared a glance at where Qui-Gon lay and said, "I thank you for your kindness."
With a final look back at his master, Obi-Wan let himself be led from the chamber. Briefly he found himself wondering how far away one could venture from their own heart. He knew his was lying on a medi-bed in the medical room, and he merely felt empty inside.
As Amidala led Obi-Wan from the room, she found herself wondering if anyone would be there to comfort the young Jedi when his pain finally caught up to him.
After a short walk, the queen stopped in beside a silver door. "He's in here," she said, pressing the pad to the right of the door to open it.
When the door slid open, Anakin looked up, and seeing Amidala, he smiled. "You came to see me?" he asked, walking over to her.
Amidala smiled softly, and stepped into the room so that Obi-Wan could follow. Anakin looked first at Amidala and then at Obi-Wan. He didn't need the extra senses he had always relied on to read the sadness in their faces.
"Anakin, I promise to come and see you later, but I have duties to attend to right now," the young woman said, ruffling his hair slightly. "Okay?" When he nodded, she turned and left the room.
Obi-Wan bowed out of respect to the formidable young leader and then turned his attention back to Anakin. The small boy swallowed nervously, his eyes open wide before he said, "I knew something was wrong, but no one would tell me."
Obi-Wan winced slightly, but nodded. Awkwardly, he placed a hand on Anakin's shoulder as he had often seen Qui-Gon do, and led him to a bench. He then asked, "How did you know?"
Anakin shrugged, staring at the floor. "I just felt it, sorta. Besides, Qui-Gon would have been to see me already if everything was okay."
"You're right," Obi-Wan said, sitting next to the boy. His voice was a hoarse whisper when he added, "You would have been one of the first he would have sought out."
Anakin looked up at Obi-Wan, trying to read the older man's eyes. "What happened?" he asked in a small voice, cutting directly to the point.
"There was a duel," Obi-Wan explained, managing to maintain his own warring emotions for Anakin's sake. "It was the same warrior that Master Qui-Gon faced on Tatooine."
Anakin looked at Obi-Wan. His bright blue eyes were open wide before he turning his gaze to look at his hands. His voice seemed even slighter than before, "That's what I thought."
Obi-Wan placed a hand on Anakin's shoulder. "It's okay to be sad, Anakin."
The boy nodded, and Obi-Wan heard him sniffle softly. "But what if I feel like it's my fault?" Anakin asked a few moments later, looking back up at Obi-Wan with tears shining in his eyes.
"Things happen for a purpose, Anakin. That is what Master Qui-Gon would say," Obi-Wan explained, knowing that he was presenting Anakin with advice that he himself was still struggling to accept. "How is it you feel that it is your fault?" Obi-Wan asked gently.
Anakin shrugged, fumbling with his hands absently. "I just do," he replied. Gazing up at Obi- Wan, he said, "You feel like it's your fault, too, I can tell."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes for a brief moment, but didn't respond to Anakin's comment. He took a deep breath, again managing to reign in his emotions. "Before he died," he said finally, "I promised my Master that I would train you."
"But I thought the council refused my training."
Obi-Wan nodded. "Even still. I will do what I must to honor my word to my Master."
Anakin nodded, the words not bringing the joy they might once have. His gaze still meeting Obi- Wan's, Anakin whispered, "Why do I feel like part of my heart is missing?"
Blinking slowly, Obi-Wan sought to comfort the boy. He pulled the boy into a tight embrace, smoothing his hair as Anakin buried his face in his tunics. "The galaxy has lost a great Jedi, Anakin," Obi-Wan tried to explain, still holding onto Anakin, "but you have lost a great friend.
"You feel like something is missing, because it is. You will find it again, however, when you remember that Qui-Gon will always be with you." He paused, his voice dropping low as he added, "No Jedi is ever truly gone, Anakin. There is no death, there is the Force."
Anakin pulled out of the hug, feeling very much alone in the galaxy. "Why don't you get some sleep now, Anakin?" Obi-Wan asked. "You've had a long day."
The boy nodded, and stood. Turning his gaze on Obi-Wan, the Padawan was taken aback by the understanding he saw in the blue depths. "I know you believe what you just said, but you don't accept it."
He wiped away at the drying tear tracks on his cheeks as he turned to walk to the back room. Looking over his shoulder at where Obi-Wan sat, silent, he added, "You didn't leave your heart with him, he left part of his with you."
Obi-Wan shook himself from his shock at Anakin's words. They were mature and insightful for such a young boy, and they stirred the emotions within him. Shaking his head, Obi-Wan followed Anakin into the bedroom. After tucking him into the bed with extra thick covers, he smiled faintly as he finally spoke.
"Goodnight, Anakin."
Anakin nodded, fighting a yawn. "'Night, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan stood and walked through the rooms and into the hallway. Once the door slid shut behind him, he noticed a young woman in a flowing crimson robe standing there.
He acknowledged her with a tilt of his head. "Her highness asked that I lead you to your quarters," the handmaiden explained, gesturing to the left. "This way, please."
"Thank you, but I'm sure you have things to do."
"My duty is to help you, Honored Jedi," she replied, looking up into Obi-Wan's empty eyes.
Obi-Wan shook his head, and closed his eyes briefly. With a slight movement of his hand, he replied, "Your duty is to your Queen, not to me."
With a nod, she said, "Yes, Honored Jedi." The handmaiden then turned and left him. He watched for a moment as she walked back down the hallway.
Sparing a glance back at the door to Anakin's rooms, Obi-Wan turned and walked down the corridor. Now that he was left alone, Obi-Wan walked through the hushed corridors of the palace. After some time, he looked around the seemingly deserted area of the palace he had found.
The silence was overwhelming. Obi-Wan found himself without a distraction. Taking a deep breath, he pushed back the turbulent emotion that so wanted to fill the empty place in his heart.
Later, Obi-Wan wondered how long he had been moving through the halls. He could feel Anakin, and could tell that he was indeed still fast asleep. Reaching out further, he discovered that it was none other than the young queen that now sat with him.
The time alone had allowed him to gather his thoughts. Struck with a sense of purpose, he began walking toward the hanger bay. It bothered him for a moment that he had not thought to claim his and Qui-Gon's cloaks earlier.
"Jedi Kenobi?" a voice interrupted Obi-Wan's thoughts, and stilled his walk through the endless corridors of the palace.
Shaking his head, Obi-Wan looked up to see the captain of the queen's guards standing before him. "Captain Panaka? What may I do for you?"
The man shook his head, clearly able to read the sorrow in the young man's features. "I wanted to bring these to you," he said, gesturing toward the bundle he gently carried in his arms.
Obi-Wan looked down, and closed his eyes briefly as his gaze came to rest on the familiar brown cloth. "I had been on my way to claim them," he said, his eyes not leaving the cloaks.
"I knew you would want them," Panaka said, handing Obi-Wan his lighter brown cloak. Taking the offered garment, he ducked his head slightly as he replaced its familiar weight on his shoulders.
He fought the trembling in his fingers as he took Qui-Gon's cloak from the solemn guard. He could still feel the resonance of his Master's spirit on the material. "Thank you," he said, his voice husky with emotion.
Nodding, Panaka replied, "Is there anything else you require?"
My Master Obi-Wan's heart cried silently, before he again choked back the rebellious emotion. "I have all I require, thank you," he finally said with a brief nod.
"Then if you'll excuse me," Panaka replied. He turned to leave before again regarding the fatigued Jedi. He added, "If you should require something, do not hesitate to ask."
"Thank you," Obi-Wan again said, "but my place is to serve, not to be served."
Panaka again nodded, but didn't respond. Instead, he shook his head almost sadly and turned, disappearing around a corner in the hallway from which he had appeared.
For a moment, Obi-Wan stood motionless in the corridor, merely looking at the heavy fabric that lay warm in his hands.
"Master what am I to do now?" he whispered to no one but himself.
Somberly touching the cloak, an idea formed in his mind. Obi-Wan turned suddenly, and with a newfound purpose walked back toward where his Master's body lay.
When he first arrived at the medical area, Obi-Wan noted the guard standing beside the door. The guard nodded to Obi-Wan, and opened the door.
At first, Obi-Wan was taken aback by the fact that Qui-Gon was no longer where he had left him; but before he had the chance to voice his question, a droid hovered over to him.
"Are you injured?" it asked, it's voice humming. Obi-Wan shook his head. He suffered from no wounds that a medic-droid could cure.
"I am looking for . . ." He swallowed uneasily before saying, "The remains of Master Qui-Gon Jinn."
The droid nodded, and began to move toward a room behind the crowded treatment area. "This way please."
Obi-Wan followed the droid, and suppressed a shiver as he entered a small, cool room. Qui-Gon lay on a medi-bed, looking as noble in death as he had in life. Obi-Wan fought against the urge to wish his Master were only sleeping.
He nodded absentmindedly as the medic-droid left the small room, his gaze never leaving Qui-Gon. For a moment, Obi-Wan stood motionless, just inside the doorway. His every instinct would not let him believe that it was truly his Master lying there.
The Force itself seemed to deny it was truly Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon must really be gone, because for the first time in over half of his life, Obi-Wan could not feel him.
Walking across the room, Obi-Wan held Qui-Gon's cloak securely in his hands. Tearing his gaze from Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan looked down to see the white outlines of his knuckles against the skin from where he was clutching the cherished cloak. It was but a thin connection to the Master he had lost.
The Master he still felt as if he had failed.
Pushing the thought aside, Obi-Wan focused on Qui-Gon, and paying him the honor he deserved. Standing next to the bed, he began unfolding the cloak.
Leaning forward, Obi-Wan lay the cloak over his Master. Carefully, he smoothed the wrinkles from the robe until it lay evenly over Qui-Gon, the hood folded back over his chest.
Obi-Wan felt the edges of the cloak brush against his legs in the stirring air currents in the cooled room. The spontaneous touch caused a shiver to run down his spine, yet it was not the touch he longed to feel. That touch would never be again.
Blinking slowly, he bowed his head. A single tear escaped his eyes and traced a path down his cheek. The teardrop fell from his chin, landing on Qui-Gon's cloak.
"My Master," he whispered solemnly.
Obi-Wan rested his hands on Qui-Gon's arm. He stood there not moving, his head still bowed, for some time. The coolness of the room seemed to echo the feeling in his heart as he stood watch over his Master.
Raising his head, he looked from his hands to Qui-Gon's face. He couldn't bring himself to tear his gaze from Qui-Gon's face. It was as if he sought to absorb every feature of the beloved features.
He hesitantly reached out, and was surprised to see that his hand was shaking. He curled his fingers into a fist, willing his hand still as best he could. Obi-Wan then brushed Qui-Gon's hair away from his cheeks, so that it lay neatly on the medi-bed.
His fingers grazed Qui-Gon's cheek and Obi-Wan felt a hot moisture burning his eyes. Pulling his hand back, he blinked rapidly, struggling to control the tears that longed to course down his cheeks.
The pain that he had been pushing aside since Qui-Gon fell silent in his arms demanded his attention. Obi-Wan's eyes closed as he tried to bite back the sob that sought to rip from his chest. Unsuccessful, his back shook with the pent up emotion that poured forth.
Obi-Wan felt his legs shaking, and slowly slid down the wall behind him. Once he was resting on the floor, still facing the side of Qui-Gon's bed, he pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. His cloak pooled around him on the floor, enveloping him.
Tears long-hidden broke free to course down his cheeks unnoticed. His shoulders shook with the force of the emotions, and he rested his forehead on his knees.
The emptiness that settled where his heart once was seemed for a moment to be filled with the release the tears provided. Wiping his cheeks absently on the sleeve of his cloak, Obi-Wan looked up to where Qui-Gon lay.
The posturing that had kept him moving since his Master's death left him, and Obi-Wan allowed himself to wonder if he would ever feel whole again.
He felt foolish, wishing that it would be Qui-Gon who might reach out to console him. For as long as Obi-Wan cared to remember, it had always been Qui-Gon who eased his pain.
Obi-Wan startled when a hand squeezed his arm. He looked up with red-rimmed eyes to see Amidala sit next to him. She had been wary of seeking the Jedi out, until she had seen Obi-Wan sitting next to Qui-Gon. Her heart went out to him.
The queen had been sitting with Anakin when she had received a call from Captain Panaka. He had informed her of both his brief visit with the Jedi, and Madri's, the guard assigned to watch the medical bay, report that Obi-Wan had returned. After straightening the covers over Anakin, she had walked back to the medical area.
When he opened his mouth to speak, she cut him off. In a quiet voice she said, "Captain Panaka alerted me you came back here. I thought you could possibly use a friend." She smiled softly, and added, "I was right."
"I thought you were with Anakin," he said eventually. "You concern should be with him."
Amidala nodded. "I was, but he isn't the only one who lost someone today."
Obi-Wan glanced at Amidala before looking up at Qui-Gon. "I failed him," he said finally, his voice was such a faint whisper that the queen almost missed the words.
Amidala's eyes softened. "That doesn't sound like what Master Qui-Gon would say."
Obi-Wan shook his head, for the moment he felt lost. "No, it doesn't."
"What would Master Qui-Gon say?" she asked in a whisper.
A flicker of a smile crossed Obi-Wan's lips, but didn't quite reach his eyes. "That the battle was won. And that everything happens for a reason."
Amidala smiled, "And how would you respond?"
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan answered, again with the faintest hint of a smile on his features. Moments later, he met Amidala's concerned gaze, and said, "I miss him."
She could think of no words that might ease the pain that laced the words. The young woman could not imagine losing someone as close as the two Jedi had been. Instead of speaking, she squeezed his arm again, hoping that the gesture of support would be understood.
Obi-Wan nodded. "Thank you."
"I haven't done anything."
"Yes you have," he said. "Before you came, without my Master I felt completely alone."
Amidala smiled warmly. "You're not alone, Obi-Wan," she said, dropping his formal title. "You carry him with you," she observed. "I can see a lot of him in you." She searched his eyes before adding, "And, formality aside, your actions here have earned the respect of many. They have also earned my friendship."
"As I said," Obi-Wan commented, "thank you."
Obi-Wan stood, and held out a hand to help Amidala to her feet. Turning to where Qui-Gon lay, Obi-Wan closed his eyes briefly. Leaning forward, he rested his forehead lightly on Qui-Gon's. Pulling back, he touched Qui-Gon's cheek.
"I love you, my Master." He spoke so softly that Amidala couldn't understand the words.
When he straightened, Amidala smiled sadly. "Come now," she said, taking his hand. "I will show you to your chambers."
Obi-Wan looked at the hand that held his own. It was as if the young woman, mature beyond her years, had thrown him a lifeline.
With a long glance at his Master, he let himself be led from the room. The pain still burned in his heart, the loss had cut too deeply. But his heart wasn't quite as empty.
End