Chapter 8

Light

"It's as almost if you can't breath, you'll fight, fidget, do anything, just to breath.

Just as long as your breathing you'll be fine. Right?

So many things, happening all at once, it's hard to sort them out.

Then you still can feel.

But If I feel happy, I'm guilty. If I'm guilty, I feel excited."

What do you feel when your excited?

"Dirty."

What causes you to feel scared?

"None of my feelings lead me to feeling scared, although, truth frightens me."

The truth?

"It's so hard to try and feel anything but cramped, crushed. We're capable of producing so many feelings, it's hard to go through all of them. They drowned you."

Sora woke with the sound of the storm outside his window. He frowned, realizing how dark and how late it would be. His hand searched across the sheets for the Cloud's body. A frown pulled at the younger boy's face, as his hand reached nothing but sheets. He turned his head toward the wall, confirming the absent body of Cloud. He sighed, shutting his eyes as he wiped the tiredness from his face. He positioned himself for his head to rest on top of both his arms. While beginning to reposition his legs, a sharp discomfort shot up through his spine. He winced at the process of moving his bottom half, but it wasn't an intolerable pain, just different. A slight blush rushed across the brunette's cheeks as he let his thought's wander back to earlier events.

Having Cloud in him, having the blond part of him, loving him. Those thoughts sent shivers through Sora. He finally knew what it was to be loved, to be in love, and to be connected. It was more then he had imagined, love. The older blond was always in the brunette's thoughts, the way the other lingers even when he's not around. He could still feel Cloud's touch, the fingers that twirl in his hair, that massage his face, it was love that brought all these memories to life. Cloud left, but he's not gone. Sora could feel the warm embrace, the bare skin against his, it was all engraved in his memory, even to the hot breath that tingled at his neck.

To have the other like he did was more than he could ever imagine. It was complete bliss.

It was only a few days ago that he had discovered this inner longing for another, for him. It pulled at him like nothing before, this desire to be with Cloud. Every moment he wasn't with the other, the memories taunted him, recalling each touch on his skin, the fingers that played with his hair. Those moments were frozen in time, he'd always be able to recall Cloud.

Your the purest part of me, I won't let you go, my light.

The words sounded through the brunette's mind. Sora smiled softly, as he pondered on the promise.

I'm the purest part of him, I'm his light. A small frown pulled at the brunette's face. What would it be like not to find your light? Light must be important to him, it's his way of saying how much he values me. A giggle came from the brunette as a deep blush crossed his cheeks. Then something in the back of his mind ceased the fit of laughter and his smile vanished. The words brought a flushed feeling that a cold chill quickly followed.

Does he love me because he sees Aeris in me?

...

Vincent woke to the sound of thunder, his eyes shifted over the ceiling to his closed door. Rolling to lay on his side, he could make out the door clearly, the knob reflected a small glint shinning it's way through the darkness. He let out soft sigh, rubbing at his forehead, brushing the strands of hair from his face. He let his eyes wonder from the door to the clock that illuminated three early morning numbers. In a few hours he'd have to get ready for the last day of school. Friday came quickly this week. For he could imagine it was only just Wednesday.

Though a good part of him didn't mind that it was Friday, it's not like anything changed. He'd never been excited to go to school, a good inner part of him always felt like he didn't belong there anyway. He wasn't connected to anything, anyone there, it was just a mandatory thing. Although, that same large part of him, felt he never fit here either. This home, this family, even his sister. He didn't belong anywhere. He could recall a faint feeling when he did feel like he belonged. Images of Tifa would run across his mind, of when she was alive, she was his balance. Yuffie never seemed too involved with him, nor did he try to have a connection with her. They weren't close.

Vincent sighed, feeling a frown pull at his face. He'd been thinking a lot about Riku lately, about what they've done, and now the outcome of it, this is the consequence of tasting forbidden fruit. Riku was never to be his, he didn't belong to him. Just like many things, he just didn't belong. The older man, who was so kind to take him in, to care for him. Even that was a facade, it was only for her benefit. Nothing really involved him, he wasn't apart of anything. Memories of the therapy sessions mocked their way through Vincent's mind.

Sephiroth insisted on having me meet with him every so often. It didn't take long until the man realized how detached I am. I'm a lot different then Riku, then most of them. I think he thought I might have been dangerous to myself. Or maybe it was just covering the promise you made to her. Clever you, changing professions, being certified to become my therapist. Could you really say you were that concerned? Or maybe there was something in me you were curious about, you couldn't unleash me to any other, you wanted to know about me, about my past, about what lurks in the deepest part of my mind. Although you were always professional in our sessions, you never were biased, and you never pried, you were patient and allowed me to talk, even if it were about things you already knew. Some part of you had to know, I wouldn't discuss things you could never know. About Riku and I, about my feelings toward your son.

So why put yourself in that situation, why put me in that situation? Wasn't the whole idea of a therapy session is to talk about your problems? Did you already know, were you trying to keep me from confessing? Were you keeping me from progressing, leading me to only repress? Well look what at what you have done, clever Sephiroth, very clever. All I'm doing is talking to myself, keeping things inside, not confessing, constantly analyzing everyone, every situation. I haven't the skill to talk, to hear my words flow from my mouth, to confess. And look where it's gotten me, I could never confess to your son how I felt, until it was to late. You must have known, you've molded me mute. You're not protecting me, your containing me.

Light flashed through his room, then a few moments later thunder sounded.

Vincent rose from the bed, his feet made contact with the cool floor, he slowly made his way toward the door.

Do you need protection from your feelings?

Do you believe in destiny? In fate?

Your part of my family now.

I've been in control of myself for a long time, not getting involved with concerns that aren't mine, keeping my distance from people. Nothing bothers me, no one bothers me.

Family, what is it anyway? A mother, father and children, all living happily under one roof? Destiny, could I believe that destiny led me to this fate? What kind of fate is this? Loosing one I loved only to find another I can never love.

This is punishment, destiny is nothing than that. Would I want to have never meet Riku, if it meant bringing back Tifa?

Is your family's destiny any better?

I don't believe my life has already been planned out. I feel that I make my own decisions, and live with the consequences for my actions. I do not blame destiny for my mistakes, I'm not destined to fail, nor am I to win. The only thing I live by is the moment.

You said that so freely, so openly. But I don't believe it! Sephiroth, we all blame, there's always someone to be blamed. We're all surrounded by this death and we all blame someone. We can cover it up by saying such horrors just happen, but it happened to all of us. I don't blame destiny, for taking the ones I loved. Someone has to be held accountable, things don't just happen, we make things happen!

What keeps you from going out? Making new friends? Vincent your always alone.

I'm not alone! I'll always have my memories, I'll always be able to feel Tifa, to feel Riku. I'm not alone.

Vincent found himself intensely eying at the dull knob of the door, the glint had disappeared, as his shadow lay heavily on the door. He wrapped his heated fingers around it then pulled the door open.

Darkened eyes met his. Riku.

Vincent frowned at the other who stood outside his door frame, the pale skin, the sad expression, the dull white hair that would be silver under light.

I suppose you want me to hold you, to wrap comforting arms around you? To help you forget about how rejection feels. You come to me like this, I welcome you like this. Riku, you know how weak I am, I can't pretend to be strong, though I can imagine what it would be like to deny you. Many times before I've told you no, and all those times it's been just as this, imagined. I could never say it to you, instead I'll wait here, muted, until you tell me I can speak, until you tell me I can move I'll stay. I'll wait until I find you looking for me. I want you to find me waiting here, for you.

Vincent was unaware of the sound of a door opening from down the hall. His eyes were locked with Riku's darkened ones. He reached out with a hand hovering it just above Riku's shoulder. With a sigh, he let it fall to the cold clothed shoulder. A light smirk found it's way to Vincent's face.

Even though I'm touching you, even though I could kiss you, it would not be real. Our relationship was built on a false foundation. This is why it'd be no different, to actually kiss you to hold you, then to imagine myself doing so. Both occurrences run from reality, this is what I have. The ability to taste you, but never to have you.

"Vincent?" An inquiring tone echoing through the hall.

Vincent felt a startle within him jolt his hand, and it fell through the cloth shoulder, the vision of Riku dissipated then fled from sight. Vincent drew in a deep breath of air, letting it out slowly, almost painfully. He stepped from his room to the hallway seeing to his left the taller man.

"Sephiroth." He let the name fall lazily from his lips.

The older man walked slowly to Vincent. His silver hair swayed messily from behind him. Sephiroth pulled at his white shirt, then ran a hand tiredly over his face.

"What are you doing up so early?" His hand fell to his side, rubbing against his dark boxer shorts.

Vincent's eyes fell from the man's, landing to the bathroom door that stood just a few inches behind Sephiroth, "The thunder woke me." Vincent admitted, though the storm outside had quietened down.

Sephiroth nodded his head, "Ah, yes, it was quite loud for a while there."

"Why are you awake?" Vincent questioned the older man.

Sephiroth stretched his arms above his head then let them cross over his chest. He leaned his body to the wall, his shoulder supporting him. "My being didn't desire to rest any longer."

Vincent nodded, taking note of how the hallway seemed to lighten suddenly, bringing the early morning through the house.

"Oh, I see."

"How about you, going to allow yourself more time for that replenishing slumber? Or rather, are you planning to continue staring out into the hallway?"

Vincent had to admit, Sephiroth had a very defined way of saying the simplest of things. However he still was uneasy with his earlier thoughts of the man.

Of the unnerving thought about how Sephiroth seemed to keep Vincent in line.

"Um, no... I'll accompany you."

Sephiroth raised his brows, "Oh?" A small smirk ran across his face, "Alright then." He straightened himself from the wall, walking to the smaller brunette, then wrapped an arm around Vincent's shoulders. "I'll make you breakfast." The words more of a question then a statement.

Vincent's lips thinned into a shadow of a frown, "No, I'm not hungry."

I'm just confused.

Sephiroth let out a soft 'hmf'. Making their way to the kitchen, in which Vincent detached from under Sephiroth's arm to sit on the stool at the island. Sephiroth poked his head in the fridge, brought out two bottles of water, then closed it. He handed one to Vincent, then sat himself across from the brunette.

For a while they were silent. Vincent eyed his water, as Sephiroth sipped at his. Then having completed the bottle of water, the silver haired man tossed it into the open trash. Vincent eyed the hand that reached toward him, watching it hover above his own, then feeling the other's heat on his skin.

"Vincent?" Sephiroth patted his larger hand on top of the small teen's.

"Yeah." Vincent was quick to acknowledge Sephiroth.

"What's troubling you? Vincent you seem, well, more detached then usual."

Vincent let his eyes meet Sephiroth's, he felt the elder's hand pull from the contact with his own. Sephiroth was almost expressionless, though concern showed through the deep blue eyes. Vincent frowned at seeing the thick concern generate from Sephiroth's eyes. Part of him inwardly ached at seeing the man upset, knowing he'd had some cause in it. Then the other part of him, felt sickened, from the inner thoughts he'd had about the older man earlier that morning. Both emotions screamed loudly within Vincent's mind, though he found it easy to drown them out with the intense gaze Sephiroth was giving him. His blue hue swirled within the orbs. A thought crossed the brunette's mind, almost disturbing, some how the blue put up a warning, a veil of forewarning. The color was off, like Sephiroth's eyes shouldn't be blue, but green.

"Vincent?"

"We're all damned." The words came all too quickly.

Sephiroth repositioned himself, a hint saying the words made him feel uncomfortable.

"Why?" Vincent's voice was soft, and carried the low undertone of pain.

"I don't think that we're damned." Sephiroth offered.

"No, we are." The dark haired boy was quick to answer.

The older man cleared his throat, "Why do you think so?"

"Maybe we're just drawn to each other. Our pains, our losses, recognize it in each other."

"Could you be a little more clearer, I'm not following any of what your saying." Sephiroth's tone was agitated.

"Tifa's death, brought me to you, to here." To Riku.

Sephiroth frowned, taking his eyes from Vincent's, he seemed fidgety at the subject, "I know it didn't happen under the best circumstances, but I'm glad to have known you." The older man offered, almost as a way to prevent Vincent from diving any further into the subject.

"Then there's Aeris." Vincent said cynically.

The older man's eyes shot from the oblivion of avoidance to Vincent's. His expression showed one of almost horror, "Vincent?" The man said his name quickly, his tone was high, he was surprised.

"Does it mean anything that she was how she was. We all knew her, loved her." Vincent paused, eying the uncomfortable man. "So why did she have to die?"

Sephiroth frowned, then rubbed at his forehead.

"I don't think she had to die, I just think it's one of those things that just.. happened." A light sigh, "Like your sister, I know she had a good heart."

"It's not fair, there's so many other people that deserved that fate before Tifa." Vincent felt a growl come from his throat. "I deserve to die before Tifa, I have no right to live, she wasn't selfish! All she did was look out for me. Take care of me, love me."

"I think Tifa would be sad to hear such words come from you, she wouldn't have wanted it that way." Sephiroth's words came to reassure.

"Nor do I want it this way, we'd just endlessly wish to take the other's place. Though I'm sure she'd benefit more from living then I did." Vincent's words trailed to a whisper.

"Then, if you feel this way, why not do something about it? Act upon such feelings and emotions, start living." Sephiroth's tone came quick, and had that certain edge of aged wisdom to it.

"What would it matter, we're all damned anyway."

Sephiroth frowned, letting a sigh go, "Why do you insist on that conclusion?"

"Because it's not just about me. If I decide to live, who's going to live with me?" Vincent paused, "To think that Tifa, Aeris' death just affected me.." Vincent eyed carefully at the older man, "Would be foolish, we all let some part of ourselves die with them. Because of death, we cannot live."

...

"Sora?"

The brunette flinched as he was startled from somewhere deep within his thoughts, "Yeah!" His reply came quick, confirming that he was, indeed, startled. Sora frowned, looking from the old-beaten brick wall he'd been staring at, to his friend. Green eyes were filled with concern, though they were intense as well.

"Hey?" Riku's soft voice came through the some what harsh sound of waves approaching the sand.

"Yeah?" Sora could imagine how long they've must of sat there in silence. An awkward feeling lingered in the air. It was Riku who asked him to meet here, during lunch hour, and Sora agreed as he felt a need to talk with other knot in his chest. It was a good idea to leave the school, to go some where private, be alone with each other. But none the less the mood of the meeting was thickly distasteful. Unwanted. Sora, having come back from deep thought was quickly reminded of the foul atmosphere between Riku and him. With a hopeless sigh he waited for the other to dive into something he could follow.

The clouds were gathering thickly above them. The smell of Rain set a heavy fragrance in the soft, cool breeze that dragged dancing sand across the beach. There was only the sound of distant thunder, sounding like a child's growl of hunger, and waves that harshly crashed against each other in their travel to the beach. Though the sky was threatening a storm, and the clouds resembled a dull gray, the body of water was reflecting what it would in a night sky. The sun had long ago disappeared behind the clouds, being absent for some time now, leaving the world a neutral tone until night swallowed the light, then it was a sure black. It seemed the planets and stars had abandoned this land allowing the dark to create night at day. It was all so, tranquil.

With a staggered breath the silver haired boy began to stumble out words that would direct to the point of this meeting. "I'm going through, well, lets just call it a revelation." He paused for a brief moment, Sora could almost see the struggle of getting the words in his head out of his mouth. "With this, brings a lot of change.." Riku fell silent, allowing his last word to hang heavy in the air.

Change.

Sora turned to eye the profile of Riku. Almost as if the word itself had shifted the appearance of the silver haired boy, Riku looked like he had indeed changed. This brought a small frown to Sora's expression, leading the brunette to reminiscence at the sight of Riku. How the platinum hair seemed a bit dull at the moment, as he could recall, Riku's strands shimmered any day before. The skin that had a life of yellow to it, was tinted with the gray sky above. All that should have been vibrant with warmth, with light was a great void.

The brunette adverted his sight from his friend, from the other by his side. Instead he found his eyes to focus heavily on the endless view of water in front of them. "Change.." Sora absently let the word fall from his lips, as it was registered within his mind again, what change really was. It was the decision to no longer stay for the double show feature, it was the choice to be absent for school, the acceptance of Cloud in his body. This is change, what we choose, we choose to change.

"I've been having a difficult time for a while.." A brief pause, allowing Riku to let in a short breath, "Saying what it is that's in my mind, what's in my heart..."

Sora's eyes ripped from the water to Riku's green ones, and he was lost in the pitiful plea swarming within the green hue.

"Sora.." Riku began once again, "From now on it will be different.."

The brunette slowly nodded, "Different.."

Change.

Riku let out a sigh, "I should have told you a long time ago, I shouldn't have waited.." Riku frowned, adverting his eyes, "I know it may seem that I was.. hiding." A brief pause, "I was always right there, with you.."

"We were happy, we all had that somebody."

Everyone?

"Well.. I suppose there were a few who didn't have anyone, they were the odd one out."

Were you resented against?

"Aren't we all? Isn't there always something someone has that you desperately want.. Always something you think you'd cherish more than them? Sometimes you'll even resort to thinking about the things you'll do to have it."

What was the one thing you'll do anything for.. to get?

"...Someone."

Sora peeked through half closed eyes, the room was empty, save for the man before him.

"Who did he love?" Sora questioned, impatiently.

"Who knows, who's to say, he never told anybody who he loved." Leon eyed Sora, "However, his Kingdom's downfall resulted in one event, murder. It was late in the night, and the jealous King crept into the bedroom of the town's healer. He stabbed her through the heart, rubbing her blood on his murderous skin." Leon paused, letting the words sink in, "She was the only healer, no one was well enough to find another like her, nor did the King provide one." A frown pulled at Leon's face, "Some tell the story, saying this healer was a beautiful young woman who captured his heart, other's say her murder was his way of damning his kingdom. However, all stories end mentioning... the insanity of the King's brother after the healer's death."

TBC

-Clowyamma