A/N: Here it is folks. The final chapter. It has been so difficult I cannot even tell you. But I love the end result. This is my first ever completed story. Go me! Ihope it was worth the wait.-Rae
Daniel squinted against the light as the woman circled him slowly, peering into the darkness as though she sought something from within the lonesome twilight. She turned and pinned him with her steady gaze and peered into him with an intensity that told him she sought something from him as well.
"Do they have any idea the burden you carry?"
Daniel whirled around, looking for a place to lean, or sit. Anything other than this horrible standing that gave him no cover. Nothing to fiddle with. Nothing allowing him to divert his attention. He settled on crossing his arms and staring into the blackness that seemed to have come from within himself. He stilled his heart and let out a long breath. There was so much he couldn't say. So much he wouldn't allow himself to say and yet she pulled it from him with one well aimed question.
"Everyone has a burden." Daniel wondered why that should feel like a betrayal to admit.
Silence echoed after his acceptance of the pain he had, and would continue to endure. It stretched until it reached the woman and chilled her skin with its wretchedness. When she spoke, bitterness broke through her serene surface and laced her whispered words with sorrow. "But yours is so heavy. One man to save millions. Is that a noble sacrifice?"
"It's not a sacrifice." Daniel turned and stared into her tearful eyes and said the one thing he knew to be true. "It's the right thing to do"
"That can't be it!"
Jack's entire body emanated barely controlled rage. It was apparent that he wanted to give in to violence. Only the fact that General Hammond was a friend as well as his CO kept Jack's hands at his side.
"I'm sorry, Colonel. I just can't allow it."
"General, Daniel is dying. I think based on the circumstances that it's worth the risk."
"Colonel, need I remind you of the hostile conditions you encountered on your last mission." At Jack's attempt to shrug off the attack, Hammond continued in his 'end of discussion' voice. "Then let me remind you that we don't know what Dr. Jackson came into contact with that caused this. . . this infection. It may have been the DHD, or plant life that he alone encountered. Or, this yellow substance could be a side effect of some other contagion. We just don't know enough, Colonel."
"That's why I propose we return to the planet. Without a sample, General, Janet is just guessing. You can't expect me to sit here and do nothing." The anger seemed to deflate with the statement and Jack quickly ducked his head and squeezed at his eyes.
Hammond allowed silence to settle while Jack pulled himself together. It was a horrible thing, to lose a member of your team. Worse still, when that member is a friend as well. Softening his tone, he continued. "The fact is, we don't know if the rest of SG-1 is infected as well." At Jack's quick look, Hammond rushed on with his words gentle, yet damning. "Dr. Frasier speculates that with Dr. Jackson's allergies this virus may have been accelerated. It could be incubating within your systems, waiting for a trigger to set it off."
"But. . ." Defeat shined for a brief moment then vanished in a flash of renewed anger. "So, what do we do? Wait to see if Daniel dies? If we all get sick, what then? Go one by one?"
"I'm sorry Colonel. My decision is final. Until we know more, the mountain is under quarantine."
With disregard for procedure Jack stormed out of Hammond's office and headed back to Daniel. He couldn't give up. It wasn't in him. He would think of something. It's what they did. It's what they always did. With head down, and lost in thought Jack didn't see the figure standing in his way until he walked right into her.
"Carter, fer cryin' out loud!"
"Teal'c's in there." Her words were soft and were coated with worry.
"It's his room, Carter."
The major stared at the closed door and appeared to be waiting for something. "It's been two days."
"What?"
"I saw him with candles in the hall, he was going to Kelnoreem for Daniel." Carter finally turned her attention to her CO. "And that was two days ago."
"Are you always so sure of your path?"
Daniel stared into the darkness and let it fill his thoughts, his body, his soul. A chill snaked from the void to his spine where it settled with a permanence he didn't fear. He wondered briefly what it would feel like to step fully into the cold and slip away. Would his pain and regret disappear or intensify until it was all he was? He didn't want to acknowledge that he questioned the validity of his choices. That every decision he had ever made felt wrong and damning. He didn't want to be here, exposing his culpability in the death of his wife, the catastrophic enemy that awoke because of him and his curiosity. He wanted to hole up behind the wall of isolation that he had slowly built the last two years that allowed him to pretend that they could win and set the world right again. The wall that allowed him to continue believing he had a place in the world, that he could help those in need.
"You've lost so much." She resumed her slow path around the sphere and Daniel. She walked as though she were on a Sunday picnic. Yet with each gentle step she pulled another stone from his barrier.
"Others have lost more."
She heard the anger in his sharp tone and pressed on. "You're not comfortable with empathy."
"I'm not comfortable with pity." Daniel traveled the diameter of his prison as she approached and continued with his perusal of the darkness beyond the light.
"You blame yourself."
"I played a part." The words ripped through his throat and made audible the internal struggle that raged beneath his stiff exterior.
"Yes. You did. However, I suspect you're thinking in an altogether different manner than I."
"You suspect?" Daniel finally faced his tormentor and shot a question of his own. "So you're no longer reading my thoughts?"
"You're very good. Few ever catch on. To answer your question, no. They became too dark. Too sad. You take upon your shoulders the weight of the world and allow no room for human error. I am confused by you. I know from your own thoughts that your decisions to help, to aid have caused you unbearable pain, and yet you continue on the same path. You try to redeem yourself through your actions, yet internally you feel that you are beyond redemption. You are a puzzle, Daniel Jackson."
"I'm really not."
"Many thousands have passed through this place. I have encountered all variety of humanity but none contain the strength of conviction that you hold between what is right and what is wrong. Tell me why you wonder at your worth? Why you struggle to value your breath as much as a stranger's on some foreign world."
"I don't."
"Come now, Daniel. No lies between us. It really is beyond fruitless."
"I-"
Daniel felt his words flee him. Twenty-three languages drained from his mind and left him drowning in an ocean of self-doubt and self-recrimination.
"You are here because you are lost. The balance is no more because you no longer believe in your power to change the world."
She smiled at his look of shock. It was always lovely to look upon a soul as true as this one's. It was a rarity these days, to guide a person who balanced the scales in a positive light. It filled her with a pride she wasn't supposed to feel.
"Daniel, each and every soul has the power to affect change. You have done much to better the lives of those around you. You do not yet know the reach your kindness has. The difference you will make."
"What difference does it make?" Jack stood toe to toe with Janet and tried to stare her down. He was loosing. He knew he was losing but he wasn't about to back down, not about this. Teal'c was performing a marathon session of meditation with enough candles to power the stargate, Carter was glued to the observation bay window searching for any signs of hope. Hammond had retreated to the base chapel to pray for Daniel's soul and Janet was buzzing around, ineffectual as she might be, she at least had something to do. Everyone had a place to be. Except him. He'd be damned if he stood in the corridor while Daniel...
"Damn it, Janet! I'll wear all the gear, just let me in there. You already think I'm infected so, what's the harm?"
"It's critical that containment-"
"Screw containment!" Jack cut her off, his anger reaching critical mass. He was ready to explode. His limit had been reached when he was denied a return to the planet. Denied the chance to save Daniel. All he had left was the vigil and he'd be damned if they denied him that.
"Colonel."
"It's, Daniel, for Christ's sake!"
Jack pinned Janet with pleading eyes. He wasn't accustomed to it, pleading. He was a commander. People jumped at his orders, did as he said. He rarely asked for anything, and he never begged. He was begging now. Janet heared it in his wavering voice, saw it in the fear and vulnerability that he wore on his face.
It softened her. It had her wishing this were indeed a nightmare that they could awaken from. But the cruel reality of the situation called to her from within the silence of the room where their friend lay entombed in a silent shroud of misery they couldn't breach. That she couldn't breach. They were all helpless. Daniel was dying and no one had the power to save him. The horror of the inevitable path they were on washed over her in one exhausting wave, wearing her down.
Fatigue and hopelessness clouded her mind. It had been so long since she had been able to rest. To just sit down and not think or worry. She just wanted to be alone, to work through the pain and figure out how to cope with the loss of Daniel. She didn't understand why this was happening. She didn't understand anything. But she was looked to for answers. People wanted hope and miracles from her but she was all out. Colonel O'Neill needed something too but she didn't know what. Maybe he was contaminated too. Maybe there was no point keeping him from Daniel. Maybe after Daniel died she would have to do it all again for Sam and Jack and Teal'c. And maybe then she could succomb to the illness and then she wouldn't have to deal with anything. She could finally rest and maybe, with death, she could finally learn what it's all for.
For now, though, she would have to continue flying blind. She still had work to do, even if it meant whispering platitudes and lying in order to comfort and calm.
"I understand-"
"No. You really don't." Jack snapped the retort and Janet's control over her fatigue and frustration in one stroke.
"Colonel, no one can be exposed to the dust!" Janet slapped a hand over her masked mouth and tried to draw the words back. The stricken face before her had regret and grief rushing through her in sweeping waves.
Jack felt his face pale. Literally felt the blood drain from the surface, leaving his skin cool and clammy in the hushed room. Inevitability set in and he felt, for the first time, the cold fist of death settle around his heart. His team, his family was broken. He never wanted to have this feeling inside of him again. He had lost people in the field. It was the risk they all took when they reported to work every morning but this. . .
This was Daniel.
This was Charlie.
This was his undoing.
"Janet. Please." Jack lowered his voice and spoke his need, his desperation for the first time since Daniel had collapsed. "Please, let me in."
Janet felt sucker punched. Never had she heard such need in his voice. It was unsettling and it broke the last thread holding her resolve together. "Let me call, General Hammond."
"W-w-what are you saying?"
"I'm saying, that you are not finished. You have places to be."
Daniel felt a tear threaten at the corner of his eye and he fought it. Turning back to the darkness, he curled his arms about his torso and spoke his thoughts. Spoke so she would know how unworthy he truly was. "I'm tired. Tired of it all. We save two only to lose four. We get ahead then fall behind. We defeat an enemy to have more appear. It. Never. Ends. I just want it to end."
"It will."
Daniel turned and slowly met the woman's eyes. "I don't believe you."
"I know." She smiled a slow smile and reached out a hand to cup his cheek. "I know. But I believe in you. I believe in your truth and your love. You have so many things to do that even to me it seems impossible, but I know more than anyone what you are capable of. I know that your greatest fear is that you are not doing enough. That there is more inside of you to give than what you have already given. You need to believe in yourself. You need to trust your heart if you are to face what's to come."
"I don't... I don't know if I'm ready for this." Daniel felt the strain of the last five years pull at him and nearly broke at the thought of adding to it. How could he possibly have more to give? Yet, how could he walk away? He felt like he was tearing down the middle and somehow drifting away. He was so uncertain. So confused. He didn't know anything anymore. Not even himself.
"I do." Daniel wondered if she were reading his mind or responding to his doubt. Either way, she had faith where as he had none. The woman slowly withdrew her hand from his now, tear-stained cheek to hold it in front of him.
"Just take my hand."
He wanted to hold his hand. To offer a friendly touch in these final moments. To offer himself the comfort of Daniel, solid within his grasp one more time, even if it wasn't really true. The swish of his protective gown filled the silent room as his breath rasped into the mask covering the bottom half of his face. Jack crossed the room and gripped the railing of Daniel's bed. The cool metal cut through his latex gloves to sink a chill into the muscles of his hands. He hoped it froze them enough to disallow them from reaching out to trace the grotesque cage that imprisoned his friend's spirit. The one rule laid out, by both Dr. Frasier and General Hammond, was 'no touching'. It was cruelly unfair. To be this close and yet be separate seemed unendurable.
Yet endure it he did. He would be damned if Daniel died alone because he couldn't follow the rules. Jack chuffed a humorless laugh at that thought. They were in this mess because Daniel couldn't follow the rules. Jack had told Daniel the very same thing that Janet had told him not five minutes ago. 'Don't touch anything'.
"Why can't you ever listen to me?" Jack stared down at Daniel's still form without anger. He was too tired to be angry. He was too tired to give a deathbed lecture that would never be heard. He wanted to say something profound. He wanted to say all the things that should be said. All the things he kept to himself for fear of opening up to pain. To heartache. Well, he kept it in and now what? Here he was in the exact situation he had tried to avoid. Somehow, in the last five years, Daniel and Teal'c and Carter, managed to crawl into his being and merge to the point that without one of them he didn't know who he was. They were the reason he fought so hard, cared so much about the fate of the world. They were his home, his friends, his family. And now, he was losing a piece of his life that he wasn't ready to say goodbye to.
"I'm not ready to say goodbye." Daniel stared down at the hand holding his and squeezed. He knew, just knew that time was short and soon a decision would have to be made. He just didn't know what it was yet. "I feel like I don't know enough. I don't know you."
"Who I am is unimportant. I am merely a guide." She gave a comforting squeeze to Daniel's hand. "The universe is a fragile existence, Daniel. Life and death are separated by choices, thoughts, words. A soul can live or die by their actions and of the actions of those around them. Though a soul may choose their path an accounting must be kept. For existence to continue balance is needed. Sometimes the balance is disrupted and a course changed and the veils fade, and lines are crossed. I am here to show you your path and to help you face what is to come. I cannot tell you exactly what you must face, or what you must do. I can, however, impart one gift."
Her words, played through his mind as they did when she first said them. However, his earlier confusion and fear were now replaced by understanding and determination. He still felt unsure as to his ability to help but he knew now that whatever came his way, he would do his best. He would do what was right. Daniel's head came up and met her clear eyes with newfound curiosity that brought a smile to her eyes. "Is it a pony?"
"No." she laughed. Close your eyes."
Daniel closed his eyes and felt the world tilt beneath his feet. Startled eyes flew open to meet starry skies. A cool breeze drifted through his hair, bringing along with it the freshness of midnight deserts. He felt cool sand shift under his toes and he was transported thirty years into the past. He knew these dunes and these stars like others knew road signs and house numbers. Tears welled up and over to flow freely down his face.
He was home.
Jack looked away from the horror in front of him to see the rest of his family staring down from the observation window. Dark circles shadowed Carter's normally bright eyes and Teal'c sat with a somberness that normally eluded the warrior. They knew the final farewell was close at hand. They were united in their loss even though they were separated by a pane of glass. They would do this together as they did everything that came before. As a team.
Jack turned and caught movement on the bed. It looked like a twitch and Jack stepped closer with his heart in his throat.
Daniel tilted his head back and let the starlight and sand wash over him. This was his place. Their place. The last place he was able to call home before finding the SGC and in turn, finding Jack and Sam and Teal'c. The last place he felt safe and secure and unafraid. The only thing missing...
"Daniel."
Everything stopped. The breeze, the gentle roll of clouds across the sparkled night, and his heart. Slowly, Daniel lowered his head and opened his eyes. The woman stood in front of him as always and he thought for a moment that he had just been too caught up in the moment. But then she smiled. A full, down to the soul smile that transformed her face. She stepped forward and stared at him through wet lashes.
"Mom?"
With a sob, she threw her arms around her son and wallowed in the joy of holding a man she had never seen grow up. Daniel clung like a lifeline and breathed in the familiar scent of security, laughter and love. He felt her smooth back his hair and shuddered at the familiarity of the touch. A touch he had ached for for so long. He felt her sigh as she turned to whisper in his ear.
"Baby. It's time to wake up."
"Sir?" Carter's voice seemed to boom into the silence as Daniel began to shake atop the green linens. The seizure stretched his skin taunt and reddened his face below his yellow mask to create a soft orange hue. Jack moved to restrain Daniel but he dared not touch him for fear of hurting him. Instead, he watched. The scene played on with no one rushing to retrieve Janet. No one cried. No one shouted. No one turned away from the nightmare that encroached on their waking hours. They looked on, in horror, in resolve, as Daniel settled and became still once more.
Jack focused solely on Daniel, heart pounding in his chest. That couldn't be it. He couldn't be gone. He needed to know, was Daniel still in there? Was he still trapped or had he fled his unholy cell? Without any hesitation, Jack stretched out a lone hand and reached for Daniel's cheek.
Jack reached out and let his fingers feather the waxy layer. It didn't feel like wax though. It felt brittle and gossamer thin. Then, like a lake at thaw, the coating began to splinter and crack.
'This is it. Dear God! This is it.'
Jack's panicked thoughts tumbled through his mind while his heart screamed its denial. They didn't have enough time. They needed more time. But they would never obtain the elusive time they all craved. Before his eyes, the shell continued to crack and separate with the slightest rustling sound until...
POOF!
The cage exploded into a fluorescent cloud that settled quietly around a blinking Daniel.
"Ja-ack. What's going on?" Daniel blew at the powder that danced up from his moving lips and stared with confusion up at Jack.
"Don't move. Don't breath. Don't do anything." Jack's adrenaline shot through his system as he ran for the cabinet and pulled drawers at random. He could hear Carter and Teal'c in the hall arguing with the SF's to gain entrance to the room. He blocked it all in his rush to keep Daniel from breathing any of the dust that danced around him in the air.
"What? What's going on?" Daniel shifted up on his elbow and brushed at the dust coating his face.
"I told you not to move! Are you breathing? I said don't breathe." Jack rushed back to Daniel's side with a wet cloth that he, none too gently, swiped Daniel's yellow face with before shoving a mask over his still-moving mouth.
"J'ck!" Daniel tried to talk through the material that was pressed suffocatingly against his face to no avail.
Janet burst through the door then, with two assistants, fully gowned in latex protective gear. Janet saw Daniel's eyes bug at the site and hid her relief as her assistants took over for Jack and began stripping a fully agitated man. Daniel reached around a muscled arm to yank off his mask. "What is going on? What have I got? Hey!" Daniel pinkened as the sheet covering his body was pulled away, exposing his legs and a large portion of hip to his audience. With strength that was failing, Daniel grabbed the hem of his gown and yanked. "I am not getting naked in front of -!" Daniel was cut off as the mask was firmly replaced.
Janet approached the bed to calm Daniel's fears. "You were exposed to an aggressive virus and we need to decontaminate you before you reinfect yourself."
Through the mask Daniel muffled an 'oh' before settling down. He also shot a look at Jack and Janet that got them moving through the doors to afford him privacy. They remained quiet as they removed their gowns and masks, as though each were afraid a sound would break the spell that had somehow returned Daniel to them. Sharing a look, they turned and stepped through the decontamination chamber and into the crowded hallway that held the worried and anxious family that Daniel called his own. Janet cut straight to the chase and relieved the stress from the hopeful faces that greeted her.
"He's awake, and alert. I don't know what he remembers but we can ask him after decontamination and a full physical work-up." With that she turned down the hall to get away from the people she cared most about, so she could vent her relief in private. Some things were too personal to share. And her weakness when any one of them were injured was one of them. She needed to keep her mirage of strength up so that they could depend on her to take care of them when they needed her. So she stepped into her office, closing the door and shutting the blinds, and sobbed.
"He's really awake?" Carter stared up at her shell-shocked CO and waited with baited breath. She hadn't believed that Daniel could be taken from them. Not really. It just hadn't been possible that they could lose him. He was a part of her family. Brother by choice. She couldn't imagine life without his smile and wit. She couldn't image SG-1 without it's core intact. Yet, she couldn't truly believe he was alright, either. She needed confirmation and for that she turned to Jack.
"Yeah. He sorta cracked and then there he was." Running a hand through his hair, Jack stared at the faces before him. Teal'c stood with eyes bright and direct as though he had never doubted Daniel's ability to pull through. Carter looked about ready to cry so it was no surprise when she launched herself into T's surprised arms and started hopping in happiness. General Hammond thanked God before silently disappearing down a corridor.
Jack stood and felt awkward and displaced now that the danger was so suddenly gone. Yet, was it? He knew this was a close one but one day. . . They couldn't always get lucky. Could they? With purposeful strides, he turned down the hall, leaving the excitement behind him. It took him two and a half minutes to reach Daniel's office. He never thought he'd make it. With the click of the door behind him, he let his legs give out and slid to the floor. He clutched his shaking hands together before dropping his head to his palms andsat there until the tremors stopped and the image of his still, silent friend left his mind.
5 Weeks Later. . .
Jack knocked on Daniel's door as he breezed into the room. "Daniel. I said five minutes, not fifteen."
"I know. I know. I'm sorry. I just can't find a text that I promised. . . ah! Found it." Daniel tilted the thick book in Jack's unimpressed direction before adding it to a tall pile on his table.
"Ya know, somebody is gonna to have to haul those things across the galaxy. Don't 'cha think you could leave one or two behind?" Jack lifted a dull brown cover of a book that had seen better days, as Daniel opened the top of a canvass sack.
"I'm carrying them to the gate room and then another three feet. Voila. Another galaxy. And besides, I promised-"
"Yeah. Yeah. Fine." Jack flopped down into a chair in surrender before picking up a clay fork and eyeing Daniel. "Far be it for me to stand in the way of geeks and their books. What is this anyway?" Jack held up the fork, effectively cutting off any retort that may have come his way.
"That is the traditional instrument used in the disembowlement of condemned traitors amongst the-"
"Never mind." Jack placed the fork back on the table with a look of disgust as he wiped his hands down his pantleg. "Don't you have any nice toys?"
Daniel lifted a book and shook it a Jack.
"We need to get you a less disgusting and snore-inducing hobby."
"Okay, but can we find it after we get back? I'm kinda anxious to talk to-"
"Geez, guys. How long you gonna hold up an expedition?"
Jack and Daniel looked up at Sam with innocent expressions. Daniel tightened the last strap on his pack as Jack swung out of the chair and swaggered towards the door. "Is it an expedition if we've been there before? Because if it is, I'm planning an expedition this week to Best Buy for the new season of 'The Simpsons."
Dual groans brought Jack to a halt as he turned to face his teammates. "I'm beginning to think that my 'SimpsonFest' is not a wildly loved event."
"No, sir. It's loved." Sam turned and discretely elbowed a distracted Daniel who immediately responded.
"Yep. Loved. Wildly."
"Good. Then we're on for Saturday." Jack continued down the hall towards the elevator while Sam and Daniel shared an amused and slightly pained expression.
They followed the winding halls to the elevator that emptied them on the ground floor. Daniel fiddled with his pockets, making sure everything was secured. Sam rechecked her ammunition as Jack rock from heel to toe, tapping on his weapon. The gate came to life with a swirl and a clink and chevron one encoded. Teal'c watched Daniel heft the weighty pack higher up onto his shoulder for the forth time before making an astute comment.
"Do you think it wise, DanielJackson, to entrust such a large quantity of texts to a stranger?"
"Oh, I think it'll be fine, Teal'c. The Kelownan's seem friendly enough and Jonas is eager to learn. I don't see why I should worry."
Teal'c absorbed this answer and bowed to Daniel's judgment. Jack faced straight ahead but he listened to the exchange between Daniel and Carter when she offered to carry his bag through. Jack knew he refused only because of their earlier conversation and found the tiniest bit of sadistic pleasure from it. What satisfied him most, though, was having his team back. The four of them, together, whole, complete. Oh yeah. A nice, safe mission. Indoors. No trees. And his family in one piece. It was gonna be a good day.
The End
"It's not a sacrifice. It's the right thing to do." Dr. Daniel Jackson