Quote of the Day:
Hakkai: Sanzo?
Sanzo: What is it? Ask me something stupid and I'll kill you.
Hakkai: Ok, maybe I shouldn't then.
Sanzo: Are you trying to annoy me?
Hakkai: Do you think it's really okay for me to be here?
(Pause)
Sanzo: See? That was stupid. Now I have to kill you.

­-Saiyuki,dubbed anime

And this is me once again putting off my homework!

Wow, ok, I've forgotten just how cheesy the Backstreet Boys really are. I'll admit it, as I was writing this I was listening to one of their cds. Yes, I still have Backstreet Boys cds. I used to love them! Haha, they were always better than N'Sync in my book. But, ok, honestly, The Call? It's a song about how the guy was calling his girlfriend when his cell phone batteries died…Oh well, I still love them! And the Spice Girls! (Also used to be a big Spice Girls fan) w00t!

Oh, one more note: I guess there's a bit of shounen-ai in here. Except not really. Just hinting at it….

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Backstreet Boys songs used in this. Or Spongebob Squarepants. Or Yu-Gi-Oh. vv

Bakura and the Frozen Meat Products of Doom

"Fooood…I need foood…Gimme some food, damnit!" Once Bakura had gotten out of his poofy maid's dress and into some normal clothes (he keeps a spare pair in the Shadow Realm for those times when he's on the run from the police…or the Pharaoh…or Ryou…) he was able to stop complaining about his ridiculous outfit. Now he had started complaining about how hungry he was.

"There is no food," Ryou said for the hundredth time, his right eye twitching.

"But I'm gonna starve to death if I don't get any food soon!"

Ryou sighed. "Ok, one, you're already dead. You're not gonna die again. Two, it's your fault we're here."

"My fault?" Bakura asked with genuine surprise. "Mine? No, no, hikari dearest. It's most certainly the Pharaoh's fault."

"We haven't seen Yami all day."

"But it's still his fault."

"No it's not and you know it!"

"Shhh, Ryou!" Bakura glared at him. "It's my job to blame the Pharaoh for everything. I'm the antagonist!"

"So am I!" Malik said, idly making his face stretch out of proportion. "Can't forget me, man. I'm evil."

The two seemed to be ignoring him at the moment, too wrapped up in their own argument.

"Spongebob macaroni and cheese…" Bakura said dreamily. "Spongebob cheezits…Spongebob cereal…Mmmm, spongy goodness…"

"What is with you and your obsession with this bucktoothed yellow annoying animated sponge!" Ryou demanded.

Bakura handed him a severe glare. "Don't diss the 'bob. Sponge is the coolest. He's the man."

"Even though he's a sponge?"

"That's right."

Ryou rolled his eyes. "I hate you."

"Food…" came Bakura's reply.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Malik thought suddenly.

-

Meanwhile, just outside the Motou residence, Yami and Kaiba were having another exciting duel…

"Kaiba, let's just stop. I have somewhere to go and I've beaten you three times already."

"No!" Kaiba shouted. "I won't stop until I defeat you! Let's go again!"

Yami sighed. "But Kaiba…"

"Duel!" Kaiba exclaimed, drawing five cards.

Yami sighed and did likewise.

"I play the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon!" Kaiba declared, putting the beast onto the field. "Direct attack! I win!"

Yami sweatdropped. "Kaiba, that move was illegal…"

"No it wasn't…"

"Yes, it was. You have to sacrifice two monsters for each of your Blue Eyes. And even then you'd need a Polymerization card to fuse the three Blue Eyes together. Kaiba dearest, this isn't Duelist Kingdom."

"You LIE!" Kaiba shouted, the heat of battle coming off him in waves.

Said waves were so hot that they burned Yami. "Hey, watch it! Turn down the heat!"

"Oh, sorry." Kaiba turned down the heat. "Ready to admit that I won?"

"Hardly. I draw." The Pharaoh drew a card. "Ha! Here comes defeat number four! I play Slifer the Sky Dragon! And since I have five cards in my hand, it has more attack points than your Blue Eyes! So I win!"

Kaiba's eyes went wide. "No! You cheated!"

"Only because you did!"

"Well I can cheat! I'm Seto Kaiba!"

"Well you just lost again, Mr. Seto Kaiba!"

"Well I challenge you to another duel!"

The Pharaoh shook his head. "I refuse."

"But-"

"No buts, Kaiba. I wouldn't duel you even if you kidnapped Yugi, covered him with bacon-bits, and fed him to rabid hamsters."

"…If that's what it'll take…" Kaiba made a mad-dash to the Kame Game Shop.

"No! Don't touch him!" Yami dashed after him. Kaiba would have beaten him if the Pharaoh hadn't known a few shadow magic tricks. Like how to make a certain CEO's legs stop working for a desired amount of time. Heh.

Kaiba hit the ground. Hard.

"Aaagh! What'd you do!" the CEO demanded.

Yami smirked. "Shadow Magic sure comes in handy at times, wouldn't you agree?"

"Let me go."

"No."

"Why not!"

"You were gonna feed Yugi to rabid hamsters!"

"Tch. Was not."

Yami frowned. "Then why were you running towards the game shop?"

"To…Use the phone."

"Don't you have a cell phone? Or…ten?"

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "It broke."

The Pharaoh leaned forward to get a better view of his rival's face. "Well why didn't you just buy a new one, oh great and mighty Seto Kaiba?"

Kaiba sighed. "That friend of yours broke it. The one with all that white hair. Only he looked more…psychotic. He stole it while I was walking through a dark alley. Don't ask me why I was in a dark alley that day, I guess it was just one of those 'Wrong place at the wrong time' things." He shrugged. "I guess I just forgot to buy a new one."

"Tomb Robber…" Yami growled.

"Uh…What?"

Yami turned to Kaiba, an apologetic grin on his face. "I'm sorry, you're right. A meeting with Bakura in a dark alley is enough to make anyone go nuts." He waved his hand and Kaiba was suddenly able to move his legs. "You may go."

Kaiba stood up and brushed himself off. "Thanks," he said gruffly…Before running straight for the Kame Game Shop.

Yami rolled his eyes. "I'm just gonna blame it on Bakura." So he once again took down the CEO. Only this time he did it manually.

"Get off me, you spiky freak!"

Yami shook his head. "No. I can't trust you. You'll just try to hold Yugi for ransom and force me into another duel."

"Yeah…and?"

The spiky Pharaoh sighed. "Kaiba, Kaiba, Kaiba…What am I going to do with you?"

"Uhh…Get off me?"

"No. I'd call someone to drive you home, but," He paused. "Hey, where's your limo anyway? How'd you get here?"

Kaiba shrugged as best he could with Yami on his back. "I walked."

"You couldn't possibly have walked all the way from Kaiba Corp! Both your company and your house are all the way across town!"

Kaiba shrugged again. "I'm Seto Kaiba, I can do whatever I want."

Yami nodded. "Ok, I can live with that answer. Anyway, I'll just have to keep my eye on you until we can get you home."

Kaiba's leg shot up to hit the smaller Pharaoh in the back.

"Ow! That hurt!"

So Kaiba did it again.

"Hey, cut it out!" Yami yelled in the brunette's ear, before stretching over Kaiba's tall form, twisting his legs around Kaiba's so he wouldn't be able to kick anymore.

"Get off me!"

"No! I have to make sure you don't harm Yugi!"

"Well, why?"

"Because it's my duty as a yami!"

At that moment, the topic of their conversation walked out of the game shop. "Hey Yami! I'm done with my homework! When are we going to save R-" He took in the scene in front of him: Yami laying on top of Kaiba, his mouth against the CEO's ear. "Uhhh…Wait…Maybe I still have some more…" He darted back inside.

Yami looked down at Kaiba. Kaiba looked up at Yami. They both imagined what this would have looked like to Yugi. "Ewww…" they both groaned before jumping away from each other.

"Yugi! It's not what you think!" Yami called. As he was doing so, Kaiba tried to slip away. "Oh no you don't!" Yami said, grabbing the brunette by the large collar of his coat. "You're coming with me!" And so Yami dragged the CEO into the game shop.

-

Meanwhile, back in the Shadow Realm, Bakura had found a guitar and was currently playing it. He was playing pretty well, in fact, and Ryou was kinda enjoying it. Until he started singing…

"If I had a million dollars," the thief sang, "I'd buy Spongebob cereal (Nice crispy Spongebob cereal). If I had a million dollars, I'd buy Spongebob macaroni and cheese (Cheesy mac and cheese). If I had a million dollars-"

"Don't you know any other songs?" Malik asked irritably.

Bakura paused. "Oooooooooh," he began, playing a new cord. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants!"

"I'm going to break that guitar over your head if you don't play something other than Spongebob music…" Ryou growled.

"But Sponge is my heeeeero!"

Malik rolled his eyes, plans of escape now entirely forgotten. "Ra, just get me out of here," he moaned.

-

"Wait, so let me get this straight…" Kaiba said, now that he was no longer trying to ransom Yugi for a rematch with the Pharaoh. "Ryou is in the Shadow Realm with his psychotic yami and an equally psychotic Yami Malik, only Yami Malik is psychotic in a bad harmful-to-Ryou way. And now you two are going to the Shadow Realm to save him. And maybe Bakura." He paused. "So where do I fit in?"

"Distraction," Yami said.

"What?"

"Yeah," Yugi said. "You're going to distract Malik so we can save Ryou! And maybe Bakura…"

"But…Why me?"

"Oh come on!" Yami exclaimed. "He was totally staring at you the whole time during the Battle City Finals!"

Kaiba sweatdropped. "Ummm…No."

"Well why not?" the hikari and yami demanded.

The brunette hesitated. "Who's gonna save me?"

"I'll get you out of there before that psycho touches a hair on your pretty head," Yami assured him.

"But couldn't you do this all without me?" Kaiba asked, choosing to ignore Yami's 'pretty' comment. "I mean, who's going to distract Malik while you're getting me out of there?"

"No one," Yami said. "You see, Ryou's a frail, helpless, girly-boy." Yugi glared. "Which doesn't make him any less of a person!" Yami added quickly. "I have a feeling that Malik might try to use him as a host to get back to this world."

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "What if he tries to use me as a host?"

Yami smirked. "I think you can take care of yourself."

Kaiba cleared his throat and look down at his feet. Though he wasn't used to receiving compliments from the pharaoh, it was still kind of flattering. "Ok," he said at length. "I'll do it."

"Splendid!" Yami clapped his hands together. "Now, shall we go to the Shadow Realm and all be heroes?"

Yugi's stomach growled. "Ummm….Maybe we should eat first…After all, there's no food in the Shadow Realm."

The others agreed and so they all sat down and had a nice dinner.

-

"Everybody, yeeeeeaaaaah! Rock your body, yeeeeeaaaah! Everybody, rock your body right. Backstreet's back, alright!"

Yes, Bakura was still singing. This time, he had moved on to Backstreet Boys songs.

Ryou sighed. "Bakura. Just….Shut up."

Bakura's fingers found different strings as the music from the guitar changed. He looked deep into Ryou's eyes as he sang. "Open up your heart to me, and say what's on your mind…"

"What is he singing now?" Malik asked warily.

"I don't know," Ryou said, a bit frightened at how intensely his yami was staring at him. "Um, at least it's not Spongebob…"

"I know that we have been through so much pain," Bakura continued, "But I still need you in my life this time…"

"Is he singing…a…love song…to you?" Malik asked, arching an eyebrow.

Ryou felt a blush rise creep up his face.

"And I need you tonight, I need you right now. I know deep within my heart, it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right…I really need you tonight…" The thief stopped playing and leaned closer to Ryou, his eyes closed and his mouth partly open.

Ryou sat frozen in fear, wondering why his psychotic yami was all of a sudden singing Backstreet Boys love songs to him…and especially why it looked like he was about to kiss him…

Bakura's face was only about an inch from Ryou's. The thief slowly opened his eyes and once again looked deep into Ryou's dark chocolate eyes. "Ok," he whispered in a deep voice before yelling, "Three, two, one, let's JAM!" He smashed the guitar over Malik's head.

Ryou sweatdropped. "Right. That's more like my yami."

Malik, who should have been rendered unconscious by the blow to the head with the guitar, was currently rubbing his head and glaring at the tomb robber. "Ow! That hurt!"

Bakura was scowling. "That should have worked!"

Still rubbing his head, Malik grinned. "But all my spiky hair absorbed the blow."

"Curse you and your spiky hair!" Bakura yelled, passionately clenching a fist in frustration.

"Wait!" Ryou said, quite confused. "So…What was the whole…singing to me thing about?"

Bakura turned to his hikari. "That was to distract Malik, so I could hit him in the head when he least suspected it and knock him out."

"Oh…" Ryou said, sounding a bit disappointed. "Only you could think of a plan like that and the have it fail."

The thief glared at his light. "Thanks for your support…"

"Why would you want me unconscious anyway?" Malik asked, standing up and giving a cat-like stretch. "Do I scare you?"

Bakura snorted. "As if. I'm not stupid. I know all about your plan."

"Mmmm," Malik said, tapping a tanned finger against his lips in contemplation. "And just what plan would that be?"

"The one to take over the world with an army of ninja hamsters."

Malik looked shocked. "How did you know about that! That was supposed to be top-secret!"

Bakura sweatdropped. "Actually, I was being sarcastic." He cleared his throat. "I meant the plan to use my hikari as a host to get back to the real world!"

Malik started clapping. "Very good, Tomb Robber. Did someone help you figure that out?"

"No! I did it by myself!"

"Well, well, well. What are you going to do about it?" he asked, taking a step in Ryou's direction.

Bakura stepped between Malik and Ryou. "I'm going to stop you, of course."

"Are you?" Malik smiled darkly. "And just how are you going to do that?"

"Well," the thief began. "If my calculations are correct, Seto Kaiba is going to fall on your head."

"…" Malik's smile faltered. "What?"

Bakura nodded. "Yup. In about three…two…o-"

THUMP.

"Ow!" Malik was knocked to the floor by Seto Kaiba.

"Kaiba!" Ryou asked, very confused. "What are you doing here? How'd you get here? Wait, Bakura? How'd you know he'd fall on Malik?"

Bakura shrugged. "Tomb robber's intuition."

"More like psycho's intuition," Kaiba muttered from his perch on the now unconscious Malik. "You owe me a new cell phone." He got up, looked at his wrist, and winced. "And a new watch."

"I didn't know you wore a watch," Ryou commented.

"Well I don't now!" Kaiba muttered. He looked down at the crumpled form of Malik and kicked him. "I wonder if that's what they meant by 'distraction,'" he mused.

"Exactly!" Yami and Yugi stepped out of the shadows.

"You…used…me," Kaiba said, pointing an accusatory finger at the Pharaoh.

Yami shrugged. "Well…Yeah."

"…"

"Look, I'll buy you a new watch."

Kaiba shrugged. "All is forgiven."

"Wow, you really do have good aim," Bakura commented.

"Why, Tomb Robber, was that a compliment?"

"Tch. You wish."

"Can we get out of here?" Ryou broke in. "I missed lunch and I'm starving." He glared at Bakura. "You're making supper when we get home!"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Ryou dearest, remember what happened last time you ordered me to make you a meal?"

"…Good point."

"I'm hungry too!" Yugi said.

Yami looked astonished. "But you just ate!"

"Saving people from the Shadow Realm sure works up an appetite!"

"Look," Kaiba said, silencing them all. "Let's just all get out of here. I'll buy you food."

"Yay!" Bakura yelled.

Kaiba frowned. "Not you. You still owe me a cell phone."

"Tch. You suck."

And so Yami brought them all back form the Shadow Realm (well, all except for the unconscious Malik) and Kaiba bought them all food at Burger King. Even Bakura, who threatened to knife him to death if he didn't. The end!