Title: Arachnophobia
Author: Blitz Magnus
Type: one-shot (you may consider this as a pointless sidefic to Blood Pact)
Status: completed (01-02-2005)
Warnings: There's just a small hint at possible shounen-ai. This is a senseless product created out of sheer boredom, that's why it's major OOC!!! So you have been forewarned!
Pairings: read to find out! (grin)
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Hunter x Hunter© original story and characters belong not to me, but to the legendary Yoshihiro Togashi.
Summary: Shalnark never figured out the full extent of Kurapika's aversion to the eight-legged creatures their namesake was based on, and he's about to find out with painful consequences while Hisoka's capricious intents get the better of everyone once again as he pulls yet another stunt at the expense of the hot-headed samurai. Total warfare ensues when Phinx gets accidentally drunk and gets on everyone's nerves as he allows his tongue to slip out some skeletons hiding in the closet.
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ArachnophobiaThe atmosphere simmered with tension as Nobunaga and Kurapika engaged in yet another bout of their usual face-offs. Feitan had looked immensely bored with the commotion, as it happened one too many times already since the unofficial membership of their newly acquired comrade. Pakunoda walked past the squabbling duo while Shalnark dragged a heavy crate loaded with their recently pilfered treasures right between the crossfire.
"Excuse me, coming through," the computer prodigy strained out while he sweated bullets as he pulled on the weight of the heavy load. Damn, Franklin and Ubogin could be personified as lightweight when compared to the blasted contraption he was currently lugging out.
Kurapika and Nobunaga reacted nearly simultaneously as they managed to retreat back a few steps for the sake of the hassled Shalnark, their voices, however, amplified in double as the distance between them lengthened.
Kuroro had long ago given up on telling the two off when they'd started in on their usual spats, seeing it pointless to argue when the two had on such fierce scowls plastered on their equally murderous faces. The Spider head would rather face the entire Zaoldyeck's household army in battle, one against all, rather than get into another spitfire tongue-lashing directed at him by the blonde. At least he'd still stand a fighting chance against the family of professional assassins.
The last time he attempted to break up one of their everyday morning squabble, he'd ended up getting flour dumped on his head and the white substance remained matted to his hair and face when Nobunaga had flung the bag of flour unknowingly at him as he entered the kitchen. So engrossed in their daily spat that Nobunaga never realized where the bag had landed behind him.
Kurapika had also been immensely engaged in his shouting match with the cantankerous samurai when he swiped his hand at a rather large cup of newly boiled water in anger and spilt it onto the unsuspecting Kuroro's trousers.
The raven-haired man's eyes had watered in acute pain when his skin came in contact with the scalding hot liquid, but remained unmoving as he gritted his teeth in silent agony.
He may be the leader of the Spiders, but he was, technically, still human after all. And he was also entitled to feel the luxury of pain.
Think beyond the pain, he told himself before allowing himself the privilege of hissing in pain.
The blonde had distinctly heard the sharp intake of breath from his right, and abruptly ended his blistering tirade with the samurai when he finally noticed the Genei Ryodan head's presence.
Nobunaga also stopped cold when he realized where the contents of the bag had flown onto when he had thrown it.
"Danchou!"
Kurapika didn't move a muscle, though his face was screwed up in a mixture of astonishment and barely concealed laughter as he took in the piteous picture the Spider head made. He sure as hell didn't look that intimidating anymore—and he was having a very difficult time holding on to his dignity and composure.
"Hey, Kurapika, have you seen—" Shalnark called out boisterously between pants as he walked in on the comical scene and froze in mid-stride as he took in the appearance of his surroundings.
"I—uh, I'd better go check with Feitan about that Greed Island console. Yeah, that's what I was about to say. Um, I'll—uh, catch you later then," Shalnark moved faster than the blink of an eye and was already halfway out of the hallway by the time the Spider leader had managed the chance to take his next breath.
"You do realize that you better have a valid explanation for all of this," Kuroro stated in an oddly strained voice.
Nobunaga was already beginning to feel the uncomfortable sensation of being slowly decapitated and skinned alive while he was being roasted over a pit of raging fire as he had begun to sweat bullets by the time Kuroro finished delivering the ominous statement.
"Don't you have eyes?" Kurapika mumbled under his breath.
Nobunaga's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets when the blonde had spoken that statement aloud. After all. it wasn't everyday you get to encounter a brave soul exchanging smart words with the leader of the infamous Genei Ryodan and get to live to see the next sunrise.
And it was a hell of a lot scarier now that said leader was struggling to hold on to the composure of reigning in a formidable temper.
"You're fighting a losing battle there."
Nobunaga's face now resembled that of a goldfish's as his mouth bobbed open and closed. It was one thing to state the obvious, but it was also another to rub the sheer reality of it in Kuroro Lucifer's face.
A single strand of hair fought against gravity as it wavered a mere two inches away from Kuroro's smoldering face, and Nobunaga felt the temperature in the room drop to about a negative five degrees Celcius when the intimidating frame of their Danchou descended towards them.
"Kurapika, take your leave."
The ashen-faced samurai looked on helplessly as he forlornly watched the departing figure of his rival. Somehow, it felt a hell of a lot safer with the prickly blonde in the room than having his Danchou look at him as though icicles dripped in hell, no matter how much he resented the Kuruta.
To hell with his resentment, he wanted to savour the moment of snuffing the life out of the blonde by his own hands, and preferably, with his body still intact as well. But still, he was a man of honor, and an honourable man faced his own battles.
"How come you're letting him off the hook?!"
Okay, so maybe this was just one of those memorable times that you get to realize that the stupidest among men were actually those who called themselves honourable men.
"Because he wasn't the one who singed the hair off my legs with boiling water and dumped a bag of cooking flour over my head."
Oh shit. This obviously just wasn't his day.
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"For the last time, you thick-headed imbecile, he's not afraid of them." Shalnark's obvious exasperation with his verbal partner couldn't be less expressed with a long, suffering sigh of frustration.
"Could've fooled me," a rather short man garbed in black leather snorted disbelievingly.
A tall man with stern features standing beside the leather-clad 'boy' snorted ungracefully as their resident computer prodigy carried on with the hopeless verbal battle with the determined samurai.
"What's with the spider inquiries anyway? What are you planning?"
Nobunaga smirked, "Nothing, just planning a devious plan to be hatched by yours truly in retaliation for that blasted chain-assassin pulling that prank on me in the bathroom."
"Hisoka was the one who started it, not Kurapika-san!"
"A perpetrator is still a perpetrator."
Shalnark let out yet another long, suffering sigh.
"He's out to get me, I can feel it in my bones."
There are some times your instincts just can't be trusted, and this is one of them. Shalnark thought frustratingly. "Can you please stop blowing things out of proportion?"
"Revenge is so sweet."
Heck, the man was deaf as well as stubborn.
Sensing that arguing with the determined samurai was futile, the sandy blonde-haired one decided to change tactics, "Who the hell planted that ridiculous notion in your head anyway, Nobu?" Shalnark continued in irritation.
"Nobody in particular." No, he certainly didn't need to mention the fact that a certain orange-haired, wily, perverted freak had provided him with that juicy bit of detail. Nor was it necessary that in all his profound rationality that he was actually willing to take the word of a certified loony. After all, when did he claim to be a man of reason?
The maniacal gleam practically bursting inside the samurai's mischievous eyes was enough to make the sandy-brown haired teen take a step back in hesitation. He'd seen that gleam somewhere before… and his vibes were telling him the roof was about to cave in when the gloating samurai very nearly cackled in glee.
"Nobu, whatever it is you're thinking of doing…"
"Forget it, Shalnark, he can't hear you anymore," Phinx muttered as he strolled past the nervous-looking blonde.
True enough, the swordsman had already submerged into his own world, and from the looks of it, he was obviously imagining several ways of torturing their newest blonde addition. His euphoria would probably last until his blonde 'victim' puts him back into place.
"Ah hell."
"Hell indeed, can't wait to see it let loose," Feitan cackled heartily as he exited the spacious room.
"I shudder to think about it." Shalnark's face was grim enough to challenge Bonorenofu's sallow complexion under the layers of overused bandage wrappings as he raced off to intercept a certain blonde from making physical contact of any kind with the unstable Nobunaga.
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Just what exactly did a sane man do when he encountered the epitome of dementia who could, more or less, wring the very life out of you just by looking at you? Shalnark was pondering on the answer to that question when Kurapika entered the premises behind him.
Bingo. Just the person he was looking for. Who would've thought the blonde could come in handy at a time like this?
"Kurapika-san," the computer genius breathed out in relief.
The Kuruta raised an eyebrow at the tone of desperation, and as his eyes roamed over towards the pile of debris towards their left, he finally identified the culprit.
Hisoka, demented jester/prankster that he was, was giving them the stare—which would be more appropriately termed as a leer, making Shalnark visibly shudder as goosebumps covered his clammy-cold skin.
Kurapika met the stare with one of his own that could freeze hell over.
The orange-haired jester giggled delightedly, before withdrawing his piercing gaze from the two disgusted teens and started working on building yet another of his card stacks.
"I know I should be used to it by now, but he still gives me the creeps when he stares at me like that." To give emphasis to the statement, Shalnark shuddered visibly.
Kurapika nodded knowingly. When he'd first seen the clown, the term disgust came into order, but as he had gotten to know the personification of a cross between a sado-masochist and a pervert, the term 'revulsion' didn't even come close to what he was feeling right now.
"By the way, you haven't seen Nobunaga, have you?" the sandy-haired teen suddenly piped out nervously.
"No, why should I?"
"Um, nothing in particular." Inwardly relieved that the risk of bloodshed still had a chance to be avoided, Shalnark suddenly grabbed hold of the unsuspecting blonde's arm and propelled towards the nearby exit.
"Why don't we go out for a while? Maybe you can help me look around for some more of those memory cards for the Greed Island console we acquired."
Kurapika raised an eyebrow again in response, before gracing his companion with a question that was good enough to make Shalnark sweat yet another bucket of perspiration before the day was over.
"Is there something you'd like to tell me?"
But even before the nervous Shalnark could summon up a proper stutter in reply, Hisoka beat him to the punch.
"Oh Kurapika-chan, I believe that is our Nobunaga holding something of yours in the loft," the statement was delivered in yet another singsong tone of voice laced with candy-coated sin.
That had the blonde's head whipping around to glare up at the grinning samurai who smugly held up a pair of his pristine white underpants and started waving it around like a banner for the entire world to see.
Shalnark let out an inaudible squeak as Kurapika very nearly crushed all major bones composing his left arm and fingers.
"Is this what you were keeping from me?" the blonde whispered ominously while his granite-hard eyes flashed murder.
The computer genius gulped down a nervous laugh and nodded dumbly, "Trying to keep."
The only thing Kurapika managed to see was red, as he literally let out a strangled roar and leapt after the maniacal-laughing swordsman dangling his underpants overhead.
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Seconds later, the entangled lump of a bodily thrown Nobunaga landed in front of him in a twitching heap. Shalnark gaped incredulously as he realized that the samurai's swollen mouth was smothered by a thick bundle of starch ivory-colored piece of fabric, and from what he could make out of it… it was what was left of Nobunaga's shredded hakama.
Note to self: never, ever, try to piss off a Kuruta. It just about amounts to a painful amputation of limbs and sensitive parts of the body.
"Nobu… you idiot," was Shalnark's only reply as he finally noticed the tiny spiders crawling all over the unconscious samurai's body.
"What the hell happened here?" an agonized shriek of outrage bellowed from the other side of the room.
All eyes, save the unconscious Nobunaga's, swivelled around to face a livid Pakunoda standing by the doorway with her hands on her hips.
Hisoka then began to laugh uncontrollably as Shalnark fought the urge to crawl under a hole six feet underground while Pakunoda started giving everyone the 'eye'. Kurapika, on the other hand, was holding his retrieved article of clothing in his left hand as he descended the steps.
"A stupid man made a stupid mistake." A pulverized pile of scraggly, belly-up, dead spiders was left in his wake as he moved past the surprised female.
Pakunoda blinked in response at the blonde's enigmatic statement, before zeroing in on the eagle-spread form of Nobunaga. And promptly groaned in rapid succession as Shalnark gave her a helpless shrug of his shoulders.
"Well, I did try to stop him," Shalnark hastily blurted out in defense.
"Apparently not good enough," was the disgusted answer. "Come on, help me haul him to Machi so we can fix him up."
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Wednesday, in the lives of the Genei Ryodan, was usually a day reserved for relaxation for the entire Spider crew, a sabbatical, some people would say, and Kuroro Lucifer, most especially, enjoyed the sheer silence brought upon by the absence of a certain forever-squabbling duo.
Though Kuroro didn't want to think ill of his comrades, Nobunaga was a sure-fire pain the ass, and all other body parts as well, he thought uncomfortably as he absently rubbed his leg. As the recuperating samurai—who needed lessons in repentance—was currently confined to the topmost room of the warehouse, and thus, the simplicity of having a quiet, Wednesday morning was something everyone looked forward to enjoy.
Machi and Pakunoda had retreated to their rooms to make up for a much-needed sleep from nursing the wounds on the unconscious Nobunaga the night before.
Feitan was once again nowhere to be seen, as he had evidently gone back into enjoying the Greed Island game console; Franklin and Bonorenofu had locked themselves up inside their own quarters to enjoy the rarity of a quiet life since Kurapika's entry into their lives.
Shizuku and Coltopi were sitting side-by-side while contemplating the possibility of selling off a few insignificant pieces of jewelry they had recently swiped without risking the Mafia's notice. Shalnark, on the other hand, was busy tinkering with his newly acquired gadgets to bother telling off a snickering Hisoka swinging a jug of god-knows-what.
Kurapika was sitting on a wicker chair behind him, and was blessedly silent while he read one of Kuroro's own selection of books on ancient art and literature.
It was by all means, the perfect, normal day for anyone to enjoy. So then, why the hell was he dreading the afternoon? Kuroro gritted his teeth in silent agony as his neck prickled.
It was ten in the morning, the sun was shining brightly, and as he stared at the horizon from his position, he squinted. Correction, it was ten in the morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing… and… Phinx could already be seen swaying on his feet.
No, scratch that, he was drunk, and he was evidently on an alcohol high.
The man always had a lot tolerance for alcohol.
The absurdity of it all was that Hisoka could be seen lugging a jug of liquor around the vicinity while he whistled the nursery rhyme, 'Mary had a little lamb' over and over again. Well, at least they had managed to identify the object the loony was carrying around like a trophy.
Phinx prattled past the still form of his Danchou, but not before giving the startled Kuroro a loud, smacking, wet raspberry on both cheeks and promptly plopped down on the stone-cold hard floor and began belting out a series of off-key Egyptian folklore songs.
Stumped, an eyelid twitched visibly while a working muscle ticked at his jaw as he glared daggers at the whistling culprit. The veins at his forehead were definitely threatening to pop out any second now.
Why was it that every time something 'good' actually happens, that demented freak of nature actually had to go and ruin it all?
"Hey! Pika-chan! Yeah, that's right, you, blondie!"
Silence.
"So, Pika-chan, why do you look like a girl?"
Pika-chan, also known as Kurapika Kuruta, set aside his reading material before giving the intoxicated man a killing glare that could make icicles drip in hell. "Excuse me?"
"Are you sure you didn't have sex transplantation?" the drunk Egyptian asked suspiciously.
The blonde was too dignified to answer that particular question.
Astonished, Kuroro could only glance in horror at the cheerful drunk's amusing, but viciously deadly antics. Pika-chan? Sex transplant? Was the man trying to issue his own death warrant?
"Wanna hear a story?"
Kurapika blinked in confusion at the sudden suggestion.
"C'mon! I'll even let you in on a secret!"
The Spider head had a very, very bad feeling about all this.
"…"
"Do you know wanna know who Nobunaga's first kiss was?" A masculine giggle followed the ridiculous question, making everyone's hair stand on its end.
Hisoka's wheezing laugh soon joined Phinx's hideous giggles.
Kuroro resisted the sudden urge to pound the living daylights out of the cackling Hisoka. No, it would be entirely too pleasing to the demented jester— and it was exactly what the blasted clown wanted. He will definitely not give the lunatic the satisfaction of accommodating his perverted intentions/illusions.
"Ubogin!" A chortling laugh soon followed the drunk's recent revelation.
Kuroro visibly blanched. Nobunaga was going to be one very pissed off samurai once he hears about this one, and he could already imagine the scenario would even surpass even his hatred towards Kurapika.
"I caught Hisoka peeping in on Machi the other night!"
Who gave a horse's ass over that? The clown did it at least thrice every week for crying out loud!
"Y-you know, if you c-can't find a m-mop to c-clean up spilled milk w-with (hic), you can use Coltopi instead!" Phinx concluded proudly and very nearly toppled himself over trying to jab one index finger towards empty space.
Kurapika pretended to be very engrossed in reading the literature book he was holding. Composure was every bit as valuable as pride right now, and the blonde certainly didn't want to be caught dead laughing at Phinx's so-called confessions while he held on to every last shred of his controlled dignity.
"Oh, oh! D-did I mention that Feitan-kyun has this hu…," the red-faced drunk screwed up his face trying to work out the word, "humongous c-crush on Shizuku-chan??" A boisterous bout of snorts and laughter followed, "Imagine, a (hic) s—sadist falling for a—(hic) an airhead!" Another wheeze emitted from the laughing drunk.
The Spider leader dropped down in a resounding thud on his overstuffed chair as Phinx, the drunken blabbermouth—who was about to die a most painful death, started listing off his comrades' most embarrassing moments in a rattle.
"You know, Pakunoda h-has one hell of a body! If only her n-nose was—(hic) equally proportioned as well!"
Kuroro choked back a horrified gasp at the description, and silently prayed to all the gods that Pakunoda would keep her peaceful slumber inside her room.
"We did have great sex the other night though! She was (hic) fuckin' incredible!" A loud, ear-splitting screech of metal against metal was heard as Shalnark literally yelped and squeaked, "I'm going to get some ice water for the bastard!" before speeding off towards their supply shelf.
The Spider leader let out a sharp intake of breath. Phinx and Paku? And inwardly cringed as he fought the sudden urge to shudder, some things were better left in the dark.
Kurapika began coughing a fit as he shut the book he was reading in a loud snap and started out of the chair, but Phinx was far from done dropping his bombs.
"And you know what? I f-fink Shalnark h-has a crush on YOU! (hic) Hee-hee! He (hic) told me that you were cute!" Phinx finished delightedly in his slurred, but jeering tone.
Shalnark very nearly threw the pitcher of ice-cold water at the blabbering idiot but forcibly restrained himself. Nope. He was sober, and he wasn't stupid enough to pick a fight with a liquor-mucked mind turned into brain mush of a drunken man, no matter how idiotic they become.
"And I bet Snarky here would l-love to go out on a d-date with you… Just the two of you!"
Snarky? Who the hell was Snar—? I'll show you snarky. Shalnark's eyes narrowed coolly as he tested the weight of the pitcher with one hand. Somebody's big, fat mouth was getting a tad bit out of control.
"If you run out of tissue paper, just go look for Bonorenofu!"
Grabbing what was left of the crumpled newspaper he was holding, the sweat-covered Kuroro sprinted towards the nearby opening after literally picking up a stunned Kurapika off his chair, and started bounding up the stairs towards their quarters while carrying the blonde in bridal-style fashion. He was trying very hard to maintain stiff composure throughout the ordeal as well, and Kurapika was already too stunned to bother struggling with the motives behind his 'abduction'.
"I wonder where Franklin shops for his clothes?" came the distant voice of the slurred Phinx.
And as Kuroro hastily plunked down the shell-shocked form of Kurapika on the pallet lying on the floor, a snarling Shalnark poured the pitcher of ice water over the cussing Phinx and plunked down the container over his sopping wet head.
"Snarky, huh? I hope to hell Pakunoda makes you suffer—big time—when she gets wind of this."
Hisoka continued to laugh gleefully in a near-hyperventilating manner as tears of laughter started rolling down his cheeks.
"What are the chances that perverted freak can laugh till his lungs give out and do us all a favor?" Shalnark murmured absently to the two females sitting besides him.
"Just keep dreaming, Shalnark-kun," came Shizuku's innocent reply. And somehow, Shalnark realized that everyone had just about been underestimating the girl's mental capabilities. She could be astute when needed.
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"Care to play checkers?"
Kurapika's blonde head swivelled around so fast, Kuroro thought he had actually broken his neck in the process—though he carefully masked his concern under the pretension of concentrated reading.
"Why would anyone want to play checkers at a time like this?" the blonde countered easily.
The Genei Ryodan leader paused in his 'reading'.
"To take mind off… things."
The Kuruta survivor's sea-green eyes sparkled with amusement as he smiled impishly while resuming the reading of his unfinished book.
"Maybe later, after Phinx finishes digging up all those wonderful skeletons hiding in your closets."
A string of sneezes followed by a colourful choice of words suddenly trailed up from the basement, obviously coming from a drenched cold man who'd already had too much booze.
A few moments of silence later, Phinx finally delivered his last will and testament—to everyone's horror and Kurapika's amusement.
"Danchou likes to cross-dress! Look at all his kinky fur collection!"
A loud crash soon followed that particular statement—which came from a door down the hall. Pakunoda was going to have a heyday skinning her 'partner' alive once she hears the rest of the story.
Oh yes, Kuroro Lucifer was going to enjoy beating the living daylights out of a certain comrade of his. The Egyptian came first on the list—with his wide, blabbering mouth that was in dire need of a plug; and then he'll have to deal with the source of all the trouble—a certain orange-haired psycho-clown.
Cross-dress, huh?
The Spider head furiously wrenched the door of his quarters open and issued an ear-deafening bellow of his own, making his amused blonde roommate arch an eyebrow in surprise at the rare show of emotion.
"Somebody better shut that gossip-monger up!"
The statement was delivered loud enough to make the unconscious Nobunaga upstairs retort with a long-suffering complaint, "Stop making such a bloody ruckus! Some people are trying to get some sleep here!"
A heaving Franklin suddenly appeared from the door adjacent to theirs, making Kuroro's heated glare focus on the bleary-eyed giant as he grumbled out incoherent words under his breath.
"So speaks the one who preaches everlasting peace," the Frankenstein wannabe finally rumbled out sarcastically in response to Nobunaga's comments.
Another singing confession trailed out from below, "Franklin likes to hog all the lemon-flavoured gumdrops!"
The raven-haired man snapped the door closed when his hulk of a neighbor lumbered down the stairs to make reality out of his former orders. Obviously, his conversational companion was none too pleased at Phinx's foaming mouth for letting that little tidbit of information slip out.
Kurapika smiled in satisfaction, it seems life with the Spiders was definitely not going to be the least bit boring, no matter how irritating they are. They are, after all, human—and being human meant imperfection, no matter how invincible they percept themselves to be.
But hell, were they loud.
Owari :)
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Notes: Well… I was bored, and chapter six of Blood Pact was so bloody gloomy I had to take my mind off things! (groans) I know, I've just about signed the agreement contract of leasing out a space inside the local asylum by actually posting this up, but still, I hope you had a nice laugh. (gets dragged off by shrinks to the mental ward)
I promise I'll be posting chapter six of Blood Pact soon! Just let me finish polishing it up… I just hope this makes up for the long wait for the update to BP as well. Thank you for putting up with my insanity. You guys are the best!
And also, akemashite omedetou gozaimasu, minna-san! It's a bit late, but technically, it's still a new year.
Hit that review button as well, I'd love to hear from you guys! No flames regarding OOC please, read the warnings before you start spewing out your complaints.