Authors Note: No, I'm not dead. No, I'm not in prison. And no, the aliens didn't take me up to their mother ship… yet. I've just been extremely busy with my grandparents coming up, then me going to visit my brother, then the start of school… and the list goes on. The only way I've been able to get this chapter out is because I'm sick at the moment. I'm so sorry for the wait though. Hope you enjoy this chapter, and I'll try to get a new one out very very soon.
Chapter Nineteen
Sneaking Curiosity
"Leave me alone Connor."
He stood in the doorway to his father's room, his arms crossed. "As much as you seem to think, I'm not coming in here to try and cheer you up or tell you it's all going to get better, because it's not."
"So you're here to do what exactly?" Angel said, swirling the scotch that was left in the bottom of his glass 'round and 'round.
"To tell you to get off your ass and use your anger in a constructive way."
Angel just laughed. "I've been out there all day fighting, how else am I supposed to be constructive?"
"Get her out of here, out of our lives."
"Who?"
"You know who. She's making too much trouble. In the end, she's just going to get us killed."
"Let me worry about that one."
"I have been now for a long time. Why the hell do you think I haven't said anything to you about her lately? But after today, enough is enough."
"Connor…"
"Angel she needs to go."
"And she will. But not now."
"Why? Are you really missing Buffy so much that you need someone here to give you a little cold comfort every now and then?"
Angel downed the rest of his drink and stood up. "I'm not having this argument with you again. Today wasn't her fault Connor. You just caught us in a bad situation."
"Yeah, a situation where you two were on top of each other half naked. Right. Just a bad situation." He said bitterly. "If Buffy could only see you now."
Angel grabbed his coat. "I told you. It isn't what you think."
"So she wasn't trying to seduce you?"
"I never said that."
"Then how is it not her fault?"
Angel slipped his coat on and turned to his son. "Aren't you kind of past the point of caring what I am or am not doing?"
"I don't give a damn about what you're doing. What I don't like though is how Buffy has been gone for two weeks and you're already forgetting everything she ever taught and gave you. She was the only one that seemed to bring the good out in you and now that she's gone, you're going back to your usual ways to thank her." Connor wasn't speaking with the stain of anger biting his tongue, it was almost as if he was having nothing more then a normal conversation someone would have on a coffee break.
"Buffy's gone Connor, and I'm still going to be here for God only knows how long. I'm living my life and moving on with it. I'm not going to sit here and dwell on what could have been."
"I'm not telling you too. I'm saying that she was sent down here in the first place for a reason and now you're screwing that whole reason up. You're reverting back to what you were."
"Connor, if I was reverting back to what I was, I'd be angry at anything that moved within my vision. I'd be yelling at you right now, and Julia and I wouldn't have stopped when you walked into the room today. I'm nowhere near where I was before."
Connor shook his head. "No, you're almost worse. I would much rather you be psychotic then in this… this quiet almost normal state. You just lost the love of your life for the second time. Why aren't you pissed?"
Grabbing the ax from his closet Angel walked past his son and towards the door. He wanted to get out and start his fighting once again. He kept thinking that maybe one day, after he'd killed enough of them, that all the demons would finally just disappear. Die off so to speak. He knew it was wishful thinking, but on the slight chance that this might be true, he would continue to stay out there every chance he got. "I've grieved Connor. I grieved more then you or anyone else will even know. And now I'm trying to continue the fight that she wanted me to."
I glared down at the images I was seeing play out before me. Connor was staring at the door, willing it to open back up with his father standing there, walking back through to say he was right about all this. But much to his, and to even my dismay, it didn't happen.
"Are you telling me he's screwing that person still?" Mira asked bitterly from behind me.
"How do you know about her?" I turned, the wispy images of the life I wanted to be living disappearing from sight.
Mira could only bite her lip in return. "Willow kind of tapped what's been happening while I was in the tower."
"What? This isn't some daytime TV special." I said incredulously. "You can't tape my life."
"She's a witch. She just kind of snapped her fingers and whatever I wanted came up and… well, played for me." She said nervously. "Oh come on." Finally her normal bravery and bravado came back. "You can't expect me not to be curious as to what everyone did when I was gone. I kind of wanted to know what people were saying about me and if they even tried to get me back."
"Tried to get you back? Mira! He's your father! Of course he's going to try and get you back! What were you thinking?"
"I was curious! You can't tell me that you wouldn't want to see how people reacted when you go off and do something. It's always on someone's mind. 'What did such and such do when I fainted?' 'What did they say when I left the room?' Everyone goes through it, especially teenagers and drama queens, we just have the power to douse our curiosity now."
"He's not screwing her." I said changing topics. Her argument was truthful. I would have probably done the exact same thing in her case.
"Not yet."
I looked at Mira strangely. "Shouldn't I kind of be the one who's being all bitter about this subject? Not you?"
She got up and threw her hands in the air. "What the hell is wrong with him? She's nothing more than trash! What the hell was he thinking when he decided he wanted to be with her?"
"Mira, he hasn't slept with her."
"Again I say not yet. We don't know what the hell him and Connor were just talking about. But the way it sounds to me is that Connor walked in right before they were about to get down and dirty."
"But the point is that they didn't. Angel is right. If he was reverting to his old form, he would have continued whether Connor had or had not entered the room."
Mira crossed her arms. "Aren't you supposed to be the irrational one here? I mean, he is cheating on you."
"He's not cheating on me!" I said loudly. "Mira," I gave her one of those I can't believe you smiles. "I'm dead. It's not cheating on someone if they are no longer breathing."
"I could state a very obvious slip you made here about him not being of the breathing kind and all."
"Don't you have like homework or something you should be doing?" I said irritated.
"Yes, because we all know that Heaven is filled with history and science exams."
"Let me translate then. Go away."
"I still say you have every right to get pissed off."
I rolled my eyes and stayed cool until she left my sight. Then the real emotions came out.
He was back with her? How the hell could he do something like this to me? I mean, yes, like I said before, this was technically not cheating but… It has only been a couple of weeks and he's already back in her arms? What exactly is that supposed to come across as here? You didn't see me chasing after another guy when I had sent him to hell. I ran away from home, grieved, left everything. I didn't go and screw my dead lovers enemy. That would have been like me going out and screwing Spike the moment after Acathla had closed.
This though, if I thought about it long enough, wasn't what was bothering me. People unfortunately grieve in different ways. This may very well be Angel's solution to the grieving process but it didn't in no means translate that he didn't love me. What bothered me were Connor's words. Angel seemed to think that today, whatever had happened between them, wasn't Julia's fault. That they must have fallen on each other and they so happened to be half naked. Happens every damn day doesn't it? I let my head fall back onto the grass beneath me in frustration. If only I could see exactly what had happened, determine if Connor's accusations were right or not.
And that's when I realized that that's exactly what I could do. If Mira was able to recall a good couple years worth of memory and play them back, why couldn't I recall a few minutes of the past. Then I could decide for myself what exactly had happened today.
Getting up I raced off to find Willow. I had no idea how I should even approach something like this. I didn't want to ask anyone else though either. Willow would give me what I needed to do without really asking any questions, knowing that it was just another matter of Angel that I needed to take care of. To tell you the truth? I think she stopped asking what I was up to a long time ago.
"Wil!" I called, seeing her relaxing with a book under a tree. Unlike Mira, I was completely used to the idea of everything around me being conjured up in my own little head. None of this was real, and yet I perceived it as that still, Mira on the other hand seemed to be endlessly fascinated with the power Heaven seemed to obtain.
"Hey Buffy," She greeted.
"I need to ask you a favor." I spoke these words as quietly as possible, waiting until I had kneeled beside her before letting them out. For some reason, I didn't want anyone else to overhear us.
"What is it?"
"I need to see something that happened today."
Willow frowned. "Buffy…"
"Willow please don't give me the lecture on all this. You let Mira see a lot more then what I'm asking for."
"Mira needed to see it though, she needed to know what was going on."
"And so do I. Wil, please, I need to see this. I have too."
Willow looked at me, searching my eyes. "Alright," She finally conceded. 'But you are not allowed to tell absolutely anyone that I did this. I could get into a lot trouble for this."
I leaped at her and wrapped my arms around her in surprise. Part of me was beginning to think that she knew that I had been coming. She gave me the crystal a whole lot easier then I expected her to. "You're the best!"
"Yeah yeah. What do you want to see?" She paused for a minute. "On second thought, here," She held out her hand, a small crystal placed in her palm. "Just whisper what ever it is that you want to view into here and you should be able to see it once you close your eyes. I don't want to know what it is, so just give me back the crystal when this is done."
I snatched the crystal from her hands. "No problem." Without really any hesitation I ran off to the place I had first met Mira at. It was quiet and calm there, definitely the perfect place to ease drop on your ex boyfriends life.
I sat down and starred at the little stone in my hands. This was wrong. By all rights I knew this was wrong. But I couldn't shake the small feeling of wanting to know exactly what had happened earlier today. I was dead. I had no reason to see these things, and if I didn't like what I saw, I wouldn't be able to change any of it either. So why was I so intent on watching what had happened?
"This is stupid." I muttered. But even as I said, thought, and felt these words, I was rubbing the rock, willing it to show me what had gone down.
Angel walked through the front door to the house, a sword in had. Blood easily covered his clothes and hands, his expression grim. Connor sat in the living room reading something that looked about as old as Angel was.
"Rough night?" He commented without looking up. I was getting the impression that he wasn't all to thrilled with his Dad at the moment. Things were obviously going sour between them again even before the soon to be known Julia incident.
"Angel took off his sticky coat and hung it up. "Same as any other night." He hadn't seemed to notice the hardness that was in Connors voice and expression. Or he didn't care. "I'm going up stairs to take a shower. Come and get me when Spike get's in."
"Why?"
"I want to see if he did what I told him to do." He said as he walked down the hallway and into his bedroom, leaving behind a confused looking Connor.
"So far so good." I said to myself, knowing that this quiet normalness wasn't about to last.
Upon entering his room, Angel did exactly what he said he would do. Almost immediately he went to the bathroom and started up his shower. Everything he was doing was normal. Nothing was causing me to suspect any sort of "foul play" on his part. Julia wasn't even anywhere near here. So why was Connor so upset earlier? What had happened between now and in a few minutes when Connor would come walking in?
My question was answered almost immediately.
"What do you want Julia?" he said with a sigh as he was about to reenter the bathroom for his shower.
"Can't an old friend stop by to say hi?"
"Hi, now go."
"Baby," She pouted. "What's wrong? Did you have another bad day?" Wrapping her arms around his waist she leaned into him. Angel did nothing to shrug her off. "I could make it all better for you."
"I don't need your help."
"Come on. You've been feeling it too. The pull. You and I were meant to make each other miserable. You can't deny that. And now with your little play toy gone, there is nothing to hold us back. Nothing to keep us away from each other."
"Buffy had nothing to do with me not wanting to see you anymore."
"Excuse me?" I said, shaking the rock in hopes that it was getting the lines wrong.
"Oh really?"
"Yes really."
"And what exactly makes you think that?"
"I stopped seeing you Julia, because it wasn't fair to you. I don't love you."
"And I don't love you." She laughed, laying a kiss on his shoulder blade. "Therefore we're perfect for each other. Come on. Two people whose lovers died a long time ago now looking for some semblance of relief, some happiness, even if it's only for a moment. What more proof do you want to show you how well we fit together."
"We don't fit together Julia."
"We make each other happy."
"No we make each other miserable."
She smiled slightly. "Miserable. Right. So," She looked up at him through her eyelashes. "Why haven't you pulled away from me yet?"
He had nothing to really say to that. Instead he took her hands in his, detaching her from him. "I need to go take a shower." Without much more he turned around and went to do exactly that. Relief flooded me for a moment as I thought that this was all over and done with. But I quickly remembered that Connor had walked in on them, meaning that this was far from done.
My view switched to Angel leaning against the shower wall, looking utterly exhausted. I frowned slightly. He wasn't sleeping. I knew this, and yet there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it either. He sighed slightly and lifted his face to the water, letting it run down him, soothing his demeanor some. Grabbing the soap he blinked his eyes rapidly to get the water out of them. The same soap though soon slipped from his hands and hit the floor with a thud.
"Here, let me help you with that." Julia's voice came from out of nowhere it seemed. I could only cringe though as I realized what was about to happen.
"Get out."
"Baby." She lathered up the washcloth and started rubbing the suds into his back, causing him to close his eyes in pleasure. "Relax. You've had a long day. You deserve this."
He bent his head down, his shoulders sagging with consent.
My breathing picked up a little as I watched what was happening. How the hell could he be doing this? How the hell could he just stand there when he full out knew that he didn't love this girl? Just because I was dead didn't mean he could go running back into her arms. Could it? That I think is what my major problem was at the moment. I was still thinking as if I was alive. I was still expecting to walk into that room later and chew him out for what he had done. Yell at him for letting this girl touch him. But I couldn't. I was powerless. And I would be for the rest of eternity.
Even though what I was watching was in the past, it was almost as if Angel heard me think this, because he retched back a second later, flinging the dirty curtain open and grabbing a towel. "Out." He stated more firmly.
She smiled knowingly and climbed out of the steamy shower, not even reaching for a towel. He reached past her to shut off the water, but she was able to grab his hands before he could pull away from her even more.
"You know you want it. You just keep believing that she's watching you." She stood on tippy toes and put her mouth next to his ear, causing him to shut his eyes and gulp. "She's gone Angelus. She's dead once again, leaving you to deal with the shity cards you got dealt. She's not coming back."
He laughed. "Your right Julia. She's not coming back. She's dead. I've accepted that once though so I think I'll be able to accept it again. You on the other hand never have been able to except it. You're not her Julia, you never will be. We're done with. We have been for a long time."
"You keep telling me that and yet I'm not seeing it. If we were truly over, you would have kicked me out by now."
"You're right." He grabbed her wrist and dragged her back into his room tossing her her clothes. "Consider this your eviction."
She just laughed at him. "You don't think I'm actually going to believe you on this one do you?"
"You don't have to believe me Jules, you just have to get out."
As she was pulling on her clothes she continued to laugh. "How many times have you said things like this now? How many times have you told me it's over with?"
"Too many. But this is the last one."
She snapped her bra closed and walked over to him. "Tell you what. I'll leave, and I won't come back until you ask me to, if you do one last thing for me."
"What?" He asked through gritted teeth.
"I want one last kiss."
"No."
"Then you can expect to see me day in and day out and never to leave you alone." She smiled mischievously. "Come on Angel. One last kiss isn't going to change anything. She'll still be dead, and you'll still be alone when this is over and done with. It's really a small price to pay if you think about it."
He looked down at her standing there, pretending to be innocent. "Fine," Bending down her kissed her quickly. "There. Happy?"
"Come on lover. I know you can do better then that." She walked a little closer to him, "Make it good. Unless you want me to stay that is."
He stared at her, weighing his options, his eyes darting back and fourth. And in an instant he had grabbed her, pressing her up against him as he attacked her mouth, ravaging her lips with a force of a desperate man. That's when Connor came walking in.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Connor said quietly. I could barley hear him myself. Although I was kind of busy with keeping my anger towards Julia down at the moment The manipulative little bitch.
Angel pulled back from her and looked at his son. 'Nothing."
"It didn't look like nothing."
"We were closing a deal." Connor was about to protest as he opened his mouth but Angel quickly cut him off. "Give us a minute Connor."
He glared. "I just came to tell you Spikes back. I'll go down and tell him you're a little preoccupied at the moment."
"I'll be down in a minute." Angel managed to pull this off without a hint of anger anywhere in his voice. The moment the door slammed though he shoved Julia away from him. "There. You got what you wanted, now go."
She smirked as she started to button up her shirt. "Fine by me. Just remember. You enjoyed that last kiss as much as I did."
"Don't flatter yourself."
"Oh," She said coyly as she walked up to him. Before he could put a stop to it, she grabbed the bulge in his pants. "I'm not." With that she sauntered out of the room and the images I so wanted to see faded.
I starred down at the tiny piece of offending rock. A kind of calm seemed to have taken over my system. I saw first hand what had happened in that room. I knew that none of that was really Angels fault. And yet I wanted to go down there right now and hit him. Smack some sense into him so to speak. He was starting down the same path he had gone all those years ago, and yet this time, he was fighting it. He was trying his hardest to keep from going astray again. Honestly though, I didn't know how that made me feel.
With a sudden burst of energy I threw the rock at the wall, watching as it shattered into little pieces.