Pure Idiocy, a rurouni kenshin fanfic

Pure Idiocy

One-Shot

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rurouni Kenshin, which include Sano and Megumi... I also don't own the format to this (hopefully fun) one-shot. It's based on the format from the book, "Brief Interviews with Hideous Man".

Author's Note:

Well, according to some readers from my other Sano/Meg one-shot, L-O-V-E, I do pretty well with the pairing. I don't have time for updating, or, at least not enough time, so I like writing one-shots better. However, when I tried to think of anything at all witty to write, I couldn't! So, I went around reading novels, and finally came upon Brief Interviews with Hideous Man, an excellent book, and decided to use the format for my story.

PLEASE READ! The format of this one-shot is in interview form, the interviewer being an unknown character. She (yes, she) will be represented by Q, and whatever punctuation mark after it. Q will be asking the questions and Sano will be answering them. Trust me, you'll like it.

I can't even remember how many people have asked me that! Most people do think I loved Vixen(1) from the moment I saw her in front of Kanryuu's(2) gates, trying to save us. Not really, though. I probably didn't even know what love was, with all the brothels popping up around the place. Sure, I was impressed, because she's not much different than Jo-chan(3), or at least I didn't think she was before. I didn't think she had that determination in her, if you know what I mean.

I'll get to that. I didn't fall in love with her until later. Sure, I didn't think she was really... lover material, you know? For all I knew she was really in love with Kenshin. I wouldn't blame her. I mean, his hair...

...Q!

Don't sound so... weirded out! You've seen his hair... You know what it's like. Anyway, what was your question? Quit that red-faced deal! Even if you were a queer or something like that you'd still go crazy over it.

Right, back on whatever we were talking about. Kanryuu... Yeah, he's a bastard, and so was Aoshi for not stopping him, now that I think about it. But at the time, I was too into Kenshin's philosophy to really notice she was more than just a pawn of Kanryuu's.

You gotta be kidding me! Me and Kenshin. Not only would Jo-chan try to kill me, Yahiko would bite my head for as long as he could. He can be such a pain in the ass...

No... To me, Kenshin is just someone who has survived the war. I guess that would make us kindred spirits or something. I mean, 10 years! Just imagine it–blood, betrayal, bravery... Blood...

...Q.

Jeez! It's you who keeps going on to different subjects–don't get all huffy on me because I'm making some side references to the Bakumatsu(4)! Women! They're all the same. So pushy!

I'm getting to that part, if you'd just let me talk. Anyway, yeah, I felt that I really did like her, or at least I could have one more option when I needed the money. I know it sounds shallow but that's what I really thought. And besides, what would you have done? Just shunted her? I've made mistakes before...

Sure I was pissed! Wouldn't you be if you find out that your best friend overdosed on some opium(5), and that Vixen made it?! I was pissed, but I wasn't about to knock her out and tear off her fingers because of it. I probably would have questioned her first, then knock her out and bring her to the cops.

... Not that they're any help.

Yes! Of course I still have it in for the damn government! You don't know what kind of shit that fucking put me through!

Oops. Sorry 'bout the language there. Forgot that you were a lady.

Q! Q! Q!

What can I say? That's what I do. That's what happened with Megumi, too. I mean, sure we were friends and all, and I did free-load off of her a few–okay, so more than just a few–times. I just kind of forgot that she was... well, a woman. I mean, I knew she was a chick and all, but I didn't feel like, you know... I just saw her as a pain in the ass, a yelling partner, and a doctor.

...Q?

What's with the sly approach?! No, it's not true that I always broke my fu—I mean, no, it's not true that I always broke my hand just to go see her all the time. Besides, who wants to go through all that pain? Sure, my toughness is my selling point but who the hell wants to smash their hand just to see a woman?

Well, I'm not romantic, so you can just lose that idea. Anyway, back to what I was saying... I didn't break my hand just to see her, even if she had a fine touch, if you know what I mean. Sure, the conversation that came with the whole breaking my hand deal was fun, but if I wanted to get rallied up I could just go think about the Meji.

...Q?

You're doing that sly thing again.

Yeah, you're right. I should be used to it with Megumi... I swear, sometimes you can actually see the da–darn fox ears!

Oh... The moment when I actually realized she was a woman, and not just a fox? Well...

I was carrying Ayame and Suzume home since Gensai-sensei left them for Kenshin to babysit... Again. It was getting dark and I didn't want them to get hurt walking all the way to Aizu by themselves.

When we finally got there, the sun was just about to dip under the horizon. The two girls ran to find their grandfather, but couldn't, so I told them to wait while I looked in the bathhouse.

...God knows I don't want those girls traumatized for life, even if it's their grandpa... Which technically makes it worse.

Anyway, I knocked on the wooden door and didn't get any response, so I just walked in. Gensai-sensei was pretty damn old, so I assumed that he just hadn't heard me.

Well, let me just tell you, it definitely wasn't Gensai-sensei with just a silk under-shirt and... whatever she was wearing as her other... covering... Yeah.

Her hair was up, tucked by a cloth at the nape of her neck, and the steam had made her pale cheeks just a bit pink. Her eyes and hands were intent on picking up her over-shirt... and shit, I realized that she was as much woman as any whore in a brothel.

And she was ten times more beautiful.

When she saw me staring like teenage boy ready for his first bedding, she screamed for me to get out. And then she threw her outer-shirt at me, then clutched her skirt to her chest, then ran and shut the door in my face.

That's expected. And even though I only glanced at her for second, and she wasn't even naked, I was blushing like Yahiko with that little waitress, Tsubame.

Q...!

Hey! Like I said, she wasn't even naked!

Yeah... But it was enough to make me remember that yes, Takani Megumi was indeed a female, and a gorgeous one at that.

No! Of course I wasn't in love with her yet! Sure, I mean, she looked damn hot, but that doesn't mean that I really felt for her, and loved her. I just wanted to push her against a wall in a quiet room, rip off those not-so-flattering clothes, and wipe that self-assured smirk off her face. I would go on but you're looking flustered again.

Q...?

You just want the information so you can spread it around, huh? I can see it in your eyes. If only Vixen had been so easy to read...

Well, she just pretended it never happened. Blocked it from her memory, the little minx, but did she know what it felt to me? Oh, hell no!

Oops, sorry about the language again. Like I said, never easy to remember that women think differently than men.

Of course I wouldn't tell anyone! Who was I going to tell, Kenshin? And what would I say, 'Kenshin, did you ever notice how hot Megumi was? And imagine her without those clothes!' The guy would get a nosebleed and force himself to his room for prayer and reflection!

Yes, he would! And quit laughing, it's not that funny.

Q...?

Okay, do you remember that whole deal with that fake doctor that called himself Raiko-sama(6)?

Yeah, the guy with the weird beard and the stick that he waved around, screaming that he was making the elixir of God.

Q?!

No! What in the world makes you think Megumi had a thing for him and I was jealous and finally noticed my feelings for her? No... I fell in love with her just a little time before that, when Gensei-sensei threw his back and Megumi had to fill in for him.

Do you also remember that crazy Hishi Manji Yakuza with the wooden cannon(7)? Remember how Tomo(8) got hurt, how a bit of that cannon ball went straight through his body?

Q...!

Well, Hashi(8) and I dragged him straight to Megumi...

She was finishing up with a patient when we lifted him in. He looked horrible, blood dripping down to the ground.

She didn't panic, didn't scream or anything. Steel nerves kept her from becoming an ordinary woman, and she became the doctor she always wanted to do. She quickly tied her hair back and washed her hands, then informed us that she had perform surgery immediately.

She took out her kit and got out the tools she needed, including her needle that she used to stitch him up. While Hashi flinched and looked away, I watched her.

Determination to save my friend's life was clear on her face... She looked like she was possessed by a goddess, and without any other feeling, she saved his life.

Several hours passed, and she finally finished. Exhaustion and stress screamed from every part of her body, but she kept quiet. Her impossible strength chilled me. Up until then, I truly thought she was just a helpless, but helpful, woman.

Everyone else had fallen asleep except for the two of us, and I felt as if a bond was connecting us. You cannot believe how much I... I loved her at the moment.

When I realized that, a horrible stab through my heart was felt. What would I do?! What would I say?! Should I hug her in thanks? Or anything?

The sun had long past set, and when she walked me to the door, I could only think of one thing to say...

"Thank you."

And I left. Never really wanting to see her again, but dying to.

What the hell? Are you crying? What the hell are you crying for? I mean, excuse my language.

Q-q...!

It's not that bad, you know. It's not like I dumped her behind.

Q...

Yeah, well, what would you have done if you were me?!

Oh, yeah, like I would have the guts to bring her some flowers and go on my knees, going, "I love ya, darlin'. Marry me?"

Not in your life, lady!

I just... kind of ignored her. I didn't know what to do with her anymore. What should I have done? You got any idea what it is like to try to woo her?

Q...

Well, I was an idiot. All I could think of doing was just show off a little bit. And when they tried to hurt her... I felt like killing that guy!

I didn't. But she saved that little girl... It made me so pissed when those other guys came after her. How could anyone want to hurt a woman like her? She was amazing... Beautiful, strong, smart.

'Course she didn't have a clue! She acted like we were friends all right, but that's about it. We didn't get any closer, didn't get any farther apart... But every time I saw her draping herself over Kenshin, I wanted to punch him.

Nah... Jo-chan would usually get to him first.

Yeah! She looks innocent and all, but she can really pack a punch!

Q...?

It took her a really long time to fall in love with me, I think. Or, at least, longer than I fell head-over-big-feet did. She seemed, you know, ordinary to me. Vixen-ish.

Oh man, you just want to get those facts right outta me! Well, I'll tell you what happened.

We were in Kyoto, visiting Weasel-girl and Aoshi, since Jo-chan had promised Misao that we would, when we were suddenly attacked by ninjas.

They weren't of Oniwa Banshu standards, but had kept in shape after the revolution. Kenshin and I had a hard time taking them down, though Misao and Jo-chan helped. Yahiko was next to Megumi, trying to protect her.

Just when we thought we had gotten most of them, some guy who knew how to use spiral darts just like Beshimi aimed one straight for me.

I don't know why it felt like such a moment of deja vu, but it did.

Megumi saw it coming straight at me, and you know what she did? Jumped out straight in front of me! She was such a fool!

The dart caught on her shoulder blade. I was ready to yell at her, when she collapsed. Can I even say how scared I was? I was screaming at her to wake up, and when she didn't...

Of course, Okina had some doctor friends to fix find out what poison was in the darts, eventually we found out that she was going to be fine.

Eventually.

It really took them a week to be able to tell us whether she would be fine after that or not. For days they thought she would be catatonic for the rest of her life...

Jo-chan really saved me that time, not Kenshin. I was sulking by Megumi's bedside, worrying my heart out, refusing to eat, when she walked up to me and slapped me.

It was a serious moment of her ranting at me, and then she said the magic phrase.

"Megumi would want the person she loves to die after she got hurt trying to protect him."

I was shocked. Megumi, loves me? No... Not in a million years. You have to know, at the time, I thought that she was still in love with Kenshin.

Kaoru wasn't finished. She grabbed my ear and dragged me to the table and forced me to eat. After the first few bites, I did feel better.

Even if Megumi didn't love me, it still meant that she cared enough to risk her life for me. That was enough.

Q-q...

Are you crying again?! I'm not done with the story yet!

Well, it took her two weeks to wake up, and I spent maybe 13 of those days, in hours, of course, at her side.

She woke up near lunchtime, and I was at the table eating. Yahiko and Kenshin were watching her, courtesy of Jo-chan.

Really, that girl can be quite violent.

Do you know the first thing Vixen said when she woke up? Someone who was unconscious for two weeks? Someone who could have been catatonic for the rest of her life?

"Is Sanosuke okay?"

It made me want to break something and kiss her at the same time. I didn't, though. I was...

Well, quite frankly, I didn't know what the hell to do. I mean, what was I supposed to say? 'I love you?' I dunno, I guess I wish I would have been the face she had seen first, you know. But... You can't have everything.

So... I just walked to her and asked her if she felt okay. She said she did, and then smirked.

"Guess I saved your life, huh, Rooster Head?"

And we were back to our old charade.

Later, Kaoru would later tell us that the sexual tension between us was strong enough to knock Yahiko out.

Yes, I did want to tell her how I really felt. Later that week, when everyone else had gone to the Shirobeko(9) and I said I would be wandering. Really, I just wanted to be alone with Megumi so I could say something, anything, to her.

She was walking around the garden, pretty late into the night, trying to regain more strength in her legs. She was wearing a really thin robe, and there were slight breezes around, blowing her hair away from her face.

For a moment, she looked... Invincible. Powerful. Helpless.

It wracked me with confusion. I didn't know how to approach her. My heart was... I didn't know what the hell to do. Every time I saw her, everything I was and stood for disappeared.

I coughed softly to get her attention. She whipped around, looking about guilty about something, but quickly replaced those expressions with an usual smirk.

"What are you doing up still, Rooster-head?" Teasing lit up on her face, and showed in her voice.

"I should ask you the same." Some god had indeed smiled down on me—I didn't scoop her up in my arms and kiss her furiously. Instead, I sounded almost normal.

She winked. "Waiting up for Ken-san, of course. He went out with Raccoon-girl and the rest of the gang, right?"

Rage clouded my head for a minute. What that all she thought about? Him? Why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't I Kenshin?! I calmed myself down quickly. "Yeah, to the Shirobeko."

"And you didn't go with them? This has got to be the first time you skipped out on a free meal."

I looked up to her almost somberly. "I was waiting for you to get better, so we could go together."

She looked absolutely speechless, which was a first, if I do say so myself. Her mouth gapped open, then quickly closed. She swallowed hard and I noticed a slight blush on her cheeks.

"Well... I mean, as long as Ken-san is with us." She looked down to the ground, still embarrassed.

I growled, and for some reason, walked over and grabbed her arm, shaking her slightly. "Are you that much in love with him, Megumi? Can't you see that I love you? I'm the one who would stand by you through anything... Kenshin... He's a great guy, but... He could never love you as much as me Think about it, Megumi."

Both of us stood galvanized, especially me. I didn't know what the hell took over me, but later I would be totally and completely relieved that I had confessed to her.

Before she could yell at me and confirm my worst fears—that she did love Kenshin, and didn't feel anything for me—I walked away. I stalked away from her stunned form and went outside.

Really, I was planning on getting wasted to forget everything, was already grabbing dice to gamble away a few hours, when she ran to me.

She grabbed my face and pulled me downwards, and gave me the best kiss of my life. Before I consciously realized it, my arms were around her, pulling her closer to me. It was as if I was a lost ship, and she was a light house, drawing me closer and closer...

After what seemed to be an eternity of blessings, she pulled away and stared into my eyes, tears in her own. "Sanosuke... I love you, too."

Q...

I know, I get all misty-eyed when I remember it, too... That was probably the best day of my life.

Well, it turned out she had felt just as strongly for me as I felt for her. She just brought up Kenshin a lot to try to get me jealous. Obviously, it had. Anyway, so that's how it happened.

Why should I be? I'm getting married, not taking over the government, or fighting Kenshin, or eating Jo-chan's cooking.

Whaddya mean, someone finally made me settle down? Speak for yourself, woman! What are you, 26, with your own little restaurant, and still no man yet? Tsk tsk, Little Miss!

SLAP!

Ending Note: I hope you all enjoyed that! It took me ages, but I'm glad to say that I like it! Well, I think it's pretty good... Tell me what you guys think! Have a happy New Years!

Notes

1:Vixen-what Sano calls Megumi. I took the liberty to change the Japanese form, kitsune-onna, to just Vixen for clarity.

2: Kanryuu (Takeda Kanryu)-(more commonly spelled Kanryu) villain whose name first appears in book 2, and makes his appearance in book 3 and 4, also known as episodes 8-11

3:Jo-chan-another one of Sano's nicknames, this one directed at Kaoru. Translated roughly, it means Babe. In the dubbed version of the anime, it's translated as 'Missy'. Not quite the same.

4:Bakumatsu-if you're a RuroKen fan and you don't know this term, I'm disappointed! This is the last, most chaotic moments of the Tokugawa regime, of which Sano and Kenshin participated in (in particular Kenshin) and survived. Note: this is not the revolution itself! Don't confuse the two!

5:...opium-occurs in books 2-4, or episodes 8-11. Sano's friend, Yoita, overdoses on opium that was made by Megumi.

6:Raiko-sama-villain that appears in book(s) ? and episode 14. He is an imposter that tries to make Megumi look like a fake when Dr. Gensai (mentioned here as Gensai-sensei) throws his back out. During this episode, Megumi also helped Sano's friend, Tomo (or, at least I think it's Tomo. Refer to note 8) after he is wounded.

7:wooden cannon-the wooden cannon makes its appearance in book 2, but in completely different circumstances than the anime, though, by the looks of it, the same gang. It is a rough cannon made from a tree trunk (oak, I believe), the cannon balls being made of clay. It can fire straight through walls, despite its appearances. In the episodes, it appears in 14.

8:Tomo and Hashi-two of Sano's friends, gambling buddies. Although I'm not quite sure the friend injured in episode 14 was Tomo, I know that two of them are of the names.

9:Shirobeko-a part of the Akebeko chain that Tae's family runs, this one by Tae's twin sister, Sae. It is mentioned during the Kyoto Arc.