…And Then He Hit Puberty

the untold story of Harry Potter

by

Arrmaitee

Once upon a time there was a disturbed boy named Harry Potter who was prophesized to achieve great things. He was expected graduate from Hogwarts, duel to the death with the Dark Lord, and become a magnificent auror, a superb international quidditch player and the future Headmaster at Hogwarts. Indeed, our readers had high expectations for The Boy Who Lived… and then he hit puberty.

This is Harry Potter's untold story… deliciously unauthorized… based solely on uncorroborated interviews, by yours truly, Rita Skeeter.

INTERVIEW #1:

LORD VOLDEMORT

"Lord Voldemort, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule murdering civilians in order to do this unauthorized, uncorroborated interview. Our readers are literally dying to hear your point of view."
- Rita

"I'm sure they are, Rita… And do call me, Voldie."
- Lord Voldemort

"Certainly, Voldie. Why don't you tell me about your relationship with the Potter boy."
- Rita

"Harry and I had a very special relationship. We were foils… arch enemies. There was a certain karmic balance between us that was not supposed to be disturbed."
- Lord Voldemort

"I see…"
- Rita

"Maybe I should elaborate, Rita. I, too, had a prophecy once. After a minor consultation fee and a few death threats, Sibyll Trelawney prophesized that I would die in the height of my glory in a DUEL TO THE DEATH WITH HARRY POTTER! Now I'm a big fan of Muggle guerilla war epics, so this sounded like Apocalypse Now Revisited. And honestly, I was quite excited when the Potters finally spawned Harry because I had high expectations for our… relationship."
- Lord Voldemort

"Then what happened?"
- Rita

"Well, I was bodiless for about a decade and spent a lot of time frequenting strip joints in London and glory holes in Paris."
- Lord Voldemort

"I meant with regard to your relationship with The Boy Who Lived."
- Rita

"Oh… Well, I arrived back at Hogwarts when Harry did because I wanted to be an important part of his life from the start of his magical education. And in the beginning it was good. He despised me and swore to avenge his parents' death multiple times. He even dueled with my pet Basilisk. It was beautiful, really. I was important then. I was his foil… his yang… the crème filling in his Oreo. I was… needed."
- Lord Voldemort (blinking back tears)

"I know this is a sensitive subject, but…
(handing Voldemort a handkerchief)
our readers deserve to know how The Boy Who Lived wronged you."
- Rita

"Well, everything was fine… AND THEN HE HIT PUBERTY! THAT SELFISH BASTARD!"
- Lord Voldemort

"How did he change?"
- Rita

"It all started when Harry turned 13. I knew there was problems when I wasn't even mentioned in the third Harry Potter book. So I sent Wormtail to investigate why Harry was ignoring me. And that's when he told me that Harry was infatuated with other men!"
- Lord Voldemort

"REALLY! HOW DELICIOUS! I mean… I'm terribly sorry. Tell me about these other men."
- Rita

"Well, first there was that Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who started giving him chocolate and offering him private lessons. So obviously I got that dirty pedophile fired. But then my Harry started fantasizing about some toothless jail breaker who was posing as his Godfather just to steal his affection away from me. So I ensured that he was sent back into hiding. But then Harry got involved in some stupid goblet competition, and begin salivating over that Hufflepuff boy, Cedric. Now by this time I had had just about enough of this mamby pamby puberty stuff. Harry was supposed to be spending his days preparing for our duel to the death, not riding on Cedric's broomstick!"
- Lord Voldemort

"Is that why you decided to come back?"
- Rita

"I had to! He gave me no choice! I thought that, if I started the Second War… then maybe I could lure Harry back. Maybe I could make him notice me again."
- Lord Voldemort (wiping away his tears)

"I know this is difficult, Voldie, but our readers need to know about Cedric."
- Rita

"Cedric was that other Hogwarts champion who entered the Triwizard Tournament as a pretense to seduce Harry. Well, I sat there like a little bitch and watched as those lovebirds took steamy bubble baths together in the Prefects' bathroom and talked about taming wild dragons, but finally I had enough."
- Lord Voldemort

"What happened?"
- Rita

"My Harry had the unbridled audacity to bring his boy toy along to our secret graveyard rendezvous! OBVIOUSLY I HAD TO KILL HIM! What else could I do?"
- Lord Voldemort (sobbing)

"Totally understandable. I would have killed that filthy homewrecker myself. Crap, I need to edit that out… er… How did Cedric's death affect your relationship with Harry?"
- Rita

"Harry became angry. Very angry. I initially though it was a positive sign. Harry was finally going to give up boys and focus on preparing for our prophesized duel. I mean, it was only three years away. But then he did the unthinkable…"
- Lord Voldemort

"What?"
- Rita

"He switched to girls!"
- Lord Voldemort

"Unbelievable. That must have been simply devastating. After all you did to prepare him for his destiny, this is the petty thanks you got in return."
- Rita (handing Lord Voldemort another hankie)

"I know… He's been so unfaithful."
- Lord Voldemort (dabbing away his tears)

"Is that why you decided to poison Cho?"
- Rita

"I didn't poison that filthy harlot, I added onion powder to her mascara. I thought Harry might not like her anymore if she was crying all of the time. But it didn't work. That heffer still managed to kiss my Harry under the mistletoe, and to go out with him on a romantic date on St. Valentine's Day!"
- Lord Voldemort

"Is that why you contacted me?"
- Rita

"I called you out of desperation! Other than torch Hogsmeade, I didn't know what I could do. And that's when you agreed to set up a bogus interview with Granger as a pretense to lure Harry away from his date."
- Lord Voldemort

"Ah, but the bargain was beneficial to us both. I broke up Harry's date for you, and, in exchange, I got this exclusive interview now."
- Rita

"Exactly. And the plan worked. That meddling whore dumped Potter right after Valentine's Day, but I kept tampering with her eye make-up because the bitch really pissed me off."
- Lord Voldemort

"Then what happened?"
- Rita

"Harry went back to men again, that fickle tramp!"
- Lord Voldemort

"Which bloke was it this time, Voldie?"
- Rita

"It was his alleged Godfather… AGAIN!"
- Lord Voldemort

"I'm terribly sorry, but our readers deserve to know when you first found out that Harry Potter and the infamous murderer Sirius Black had rekindled their relationship?"
- Rita

"I should have known all along. That murdering fiend was sending my Harry love notes for two years, and I overlooked it because I couldn't face the bitter truth. And then I found out about the mirror. Sirius gave Harry a magical mirror so that Harry could call on him at any time to service his needs. I… just…"
- Lord Voldemort (sobbing hysterically)

"It's all right, Voldie. Let it out."
- Rita (patting Voldemort on the back)

"I… just… can't… take… this… kind of… abuse… anymore, Rita. I can't."
- Lord Voldemort (sobbing intermittently)

"I know, but you're a survivor, Voldie. You can overcome this pain. Harry has victimized us all."
- Rita

"It's just so hard to face my daily muggle murders when I know that he's fanatisizing about some other bloke… It's just so difficult, Rita!"
- Lord Voldemort

"It is. When did you decide to order your minions to kill Sirius?"
- Rita

"Well, after Harry started having wet dreams about his alleged Godfather, I knew something had to be done. I originally planned to kill Sirius myself, since I like to murder all of Harry's family members in person. But Lucius and Bella convinced me that they could handle the job. And so I foolishly trusted them…"
- Lord Voldemort (crying again)

"But I thought Bella killed Sirius?"
- Rita

"She knocked him through the Veil! Now Harry's gonna build a shrine there, instead of preparing himself for his forthcoming duel to the death with me!"
- Lord Voldemort

"How inconsiderate… Do you think there will be any other men in Harry's future?"
- Rita

"Well, Wormtail had a hot tip that Harry's next beau will be a half-blood prince."
- Lord Voldemort

"Is that why you've been traveling around the world butchering all of the eligible royalty?"
- Rita

"Exactly, though I need to find a way to get Prince Harry and Prince William alone. Any thoughts?"
- Lord Voldemort

"I could invite them for an exclusive interview. Hmm… I should probably edit that out, too. Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Voldie."
- Rita

"It was my pleasure, Rita."
- Lord Voldemort

Mr. Harry Potter declined to comment on this interview. Instead, he filed a libel suit against Rita Skeeter, Lord Voldemort, and The Daily Prophet pursuant to the Defamation Act of 1996. This disgusting attempt to censor the truth cannot and will not prevail.

Author's Note: This fic was written in honor of the one year anniversary of The Very Secret Livejournals, my very first Harry Potter slash parody. Any thoughts on who Rita should interview next? Happy New Year!

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