Author's Notes: This is an Alternate Universe story. Joey thought he was shiznat, until he gets turned out himself, by the very girl he spurned. No longer is she the chubby, insecure wallflower she once was, Mai Valentine's back with a vengeance. Dysfunction has never been so enjoyable. Warning: This story contains strong language, and sexual situations. Heed the rating. This is rated R for a reason. Thanks for reading and please review.

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh is the property of its owner(s). This work is entirely fictional, and I claim no ownership of the characters therein, unless otherwise stated.

Undermining The Establishment

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Chapter One: Hollaback Girl

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"What about her?"

Ryou Bakura, an attractive young man with soft eyes and beautiful silver colored hair asked, pointing his chopsticks at an attractive redhead. The young woman in question had long legs with soft brown eyes. She had legs that wouldn't quit and an ass he could probably bounce a quarter off of, among other things of course. He abnd his best friend Joey Wheeler were currently tallying the ratio of attractive women in Sapparo compared to those in Domino. So far he and his friend were not very successful in their hometown of Domino. Joey Wheeler's eyes followed the swivel of her hips to the flip of her hair. He wondered how she would be in bed, screaming his name, clawing at his clothes, but there was a problem with his fantasy.

"She is okay looking. She's definitely bed worthy, but there is a problem. As you can see the girl she is with is her girlfriend. She is total femme."

Joey answered sagely, nursing his hard lemonade. His companion turned to stare at the woman again, smiling apologetically when he had been caught by the attractive woman's partner. He blushed once more, turning to face his friend. Unfortunately he had never been blessed with "gaydar."

"I didn't even notice the other woman. She looked like a man."

Ryou answered, his eyes turning embarrassedly towards the heavens. Joey shrugged, nonplussed by what had just occurred. Deep down he knew his friend was too chicken to stare to long at any woman for too long. Ryou's chickenshit behavior, coupled with his own desire for nicotine, anything made him a bit bitchy at the moment. He desperately wanted a black n' mild, anything—hell he's take a Virginia slim at the moment. Bakura smirked at his friend, wanting to help the other man, but he had resigned himself to not enable his friend's smoking. Joey looked at his friend pathetically, hoping to evoke a twinge of guilt. Bakura let out a hearty laugh, shaking his head at the man before him.

"Don't look at me man. I told you I wasn't going to give you any cigarettes. You know that I quit three months ago. Besides Adrianna would have my ass if she knew that I gave you cigarettes, or that I was around you while you smoked. You'll just have to wait until Tristan arrives, or pray that Yugi will buy you some."

Joey slammed his lemonade down cursing loudly, shocking a young couple walking with their children a few feet away. The mother frowned at his behavior in a public mall, while the father simply shrugged his shoulders at the handsome duo, naturally complacent with his wife.

"It's not my fault that your girlfriend is a recovering asthmatic, or that you gave up smoking for her. You're nothing but a pussy whipped, love smitten asshole. If you were really my friend you would buy me a pack cigs, no questions asked. No one understands me, except for Kaiba, which in itself is an embarrassment. My own friends refuse to help their buddy in a time of distress."

Bakura rolled his eyes, wondering how his friend could be such a prima donna at times. When Bakura had quit, he had nicotine fits as well, but never to the point in which he became an embarrassing spectacle around his friends. Joey was a nicotine bitch whether he liked it or not. Bakura would rather have been whipped by a sexy, alluring woman, than a cancer stick that would only further shorten his life.

"For fuck's sake man, you're quitting smoking; you're not losing a limb. Get over it! Oh, and for your information I am not pussy whipped! Of course, you go from so many different women to another that you shouldn't talk."

Joey lightly punched the paled haired young man, leaning back in his chair. He had a point, although Joey admittedly only slept around because he had yet to find the perfect woman, but did Bakura need to know that? The last thing he needed was his best friend to know that he wanted to meet Miss Right someday. No woman was worth a monogamous sexual relationship. Unfortunately, his three best friends had yet to realize this. They were pleasant tied to what he liked to call flavors of the month. He'd see how far they all got with their relationship, if any of them even made it to the six month mark.

"Come on man, tell the truth. You're only with Adrianna because she's good in the sack right? If not that it's probably because she's an American and we all know you've got a thing for Americans. You might as well enjoy it now, because you know she leaves at the end of the school term right?"

Bakura nodded, suddenly somber. He hadn't wanted to think of the young woman he found himself enamored with leaving anytime soon. Somehow, with her acerbic charm, she had caught him unawares, and he could not imagine life without her around. What Joey said was true, but now he was more determined to stay in the pleasant dream, where he could enjoy the fantasy of her, if only temporarily. Joey, now sensing that he had said the wrong thing, tried to salvage what was left of the conversation.

"I'm just kidding man. Adrianna is a great woman. I know you're not fucking around with her just because she's American. Although everyone knows that you've got a thing for sarcastic, know-it-all, crazy, brown eyed brunettes, with earth brown skin and a penchant for danger."

Joey smirked knowingly describing his best friend's girlfriend. Bakura predictably looked visibly flustered, clearly upset with the description. Joey knew that Adrianna had Bakura by the balls, and he willing allowed himself to be lead around. He supposed love really made normally sane guys like Bakura whipped fools.

"Adrianna is not a know-it-all, nor is she sarcastic, and she is definitely not a danger loving loon!"

Bakura retorted, stealing the last of his friend's French fries. Joey growled, reaching over to smack him, but years of Ju Jitsu training has left his body physically adept. Joey may have been a brown belt, but he was almost a black belt. Thankfully, he knew when to back off.

"Whatever you say, Bakura whatever you say. Although Adrianna did drag race through Okayama two months ago, she can be sarcastic, she is a know-it-all, and the broad is crazy!"

Joey retorted back angrily. He and Adrianna had yet to recover from their nasty spat a few months back. Joey hated losing, especially to women. What made it worse was that he lost to one of his best friends girlfriends. The embarrassment he suffered because of that had yet to die down. If there was one thing Joey couldn't stand, it was over confident, loud mouth women with bad attitudes that didn't know when to keep quiet.

"Joey, just because Adrianna handed you your ass in that video game tournament we held does not mean she is a know-it-all or that she is sarcastic or that she is crazy. My girlfriend is sane, although that redhead you went out went last week… what was her name? Was it Kakyuu or something? Now she was a certifiable nut job! Have you ever considered the notion that you couldn't play your way out of a simple game? Besides, you were the one that dared her to drag race you down that street. I thought this was about your love life, not mine."

Joey cursed under his breath, upset that he had been found out. He never did like Bakura's uncanny ability to see through his lies. The last person that had been able to get under his skin that was female was gone now. He had successfully pushed her away. Still, to know that there were two people that could work his last nerve was annoying. The only other person had been able to do that was never coming back, and she was currently in—

"Ryou Bakura?! Joey Wheeler?! Oh my god, what are you two doing here?"

A very familiar and feminine voice called out, jerking Joey from his silent reverie. Standing before him in a tight purple skirt, with a lavender peasant shirt which revealed ample cleavage was Mai Valentine. The shock from seeing his long time rival and one time foe was a shock to his system. She had finally grown into her long legs. Golden hair that was once so clumpy and greasy now cascaded down her shoulders in golden waves. Her eyes, which at one time were her only saving grace, seemed so much brighter than when he last saw her. Of course, given the circumstances of their last encounter he felt this was understandable.

"M-Mai? Is that you?! You look beautiful!"

Bakura said in the quiet as Mai stood before Joey confidently. She turned to the man that addressed her, offering him a genuine smile. An unfamiliar feeling of anger crept up into Joey. He felt as if that smile belonged to him alone. No one, not even Bakura should have what could have easily been his at one time.

"Thank you, Bakura. I guess Florida really agreed with me. You look very handsome yourself."

Silently Joey agreed wholeheartedly. Mai's formerly pale and blotchy skin was now a pretty peach tone, her skin tanned from two years spent in a sunny climate. He would have never imagined the once unattractive girl morphing into the goddess that stood before him. He had yet to address her, and he knew that he must have looked like a moron. Before he could utter even a simple hello, she was hugging Bakura. He groaned silently, wishing that he could feel the softness of her new, more attractive body. He cursed his friend then, knowing that he had his own girlfriend. The body that currently clung to the Bakura's body had once longed to be caressed by his expert hands.

Mai, having shaken him from his reverie, bent down to shake his hand. Finally, her attention turned to him, and she offered him a small smile. Mai appeared more confident to him if anything. He frowned slightly, wanting to hold her just as his friend had. Given the circumstance of their last meeting, he was surprised Mai had been willing to offer her hand. Perhaps her grudge had finally died down? Before he knew it, Bakura had grabbed a chair from a nearby vacated table, making room for Mai. She sat down with them, her shopping bags resting at her feet, which he noticed were impeccable. As Joey marveled at her newly sculpted body, his mind raced with questions. Did Floridians hold the key to the fountain of youth? Why was her skin so clear and unmarred? Her hair shown like corn silk, and was nothing like the dull yellow he had grown up seeing. She was a god, and he was a mortal in her presence.

"Joey!"

Mai's soft voice called out to Joey, drawing him from his deep thoughts. He watched as her glossed lips moved, up and down. He could smell the strawberry taste. He wanted to taste her then; he wanted to know if she tasted like passion fruit. If her appearance was any indicator, then she was everything she looked to be and more. He coughed loudly, cursing what he knew to be flushed cheeks.

"Y-Yes?"

"I asked what it is that you have been up to. What are you doing with your life?"

"I-I'm getting my master's degree in chemical engineering."

Mai smirked, and he felt self conscious for a moment. Why did he feel as if he needed her approval all of a sudden? Who the fuck cared what she thought?! He had to stop himself from his current line of negative thinking. So the once unattractive former wallflower was now a hot chick! So what? She was just another girl with looks, but where were her brains? This wasn't She's All That or some other lame ass shit in which a formerly ugly hot girl gets hot all of sudden! They still had bad blood, and whether or not she was ugly as a dog, or the hottest piece of ass on the block, he still hated her! He was Joseph Wheeler for goodness sake! Hot women did not make him squirm! He made them squirm! Recovering from his anger, he posed the same question.

"Oh, I'm doing this and that. Seriously though, I am a computer programmer. I must say Joey; I am quite surprised that you didn't pursue Business Administration. We all thought that you'd be a sports agent, but apparently pigs can fly, and hell has frozen."

Mai said with a self righteous smirk as her dig drew blood. Truth be told, she had never doubted Joey's intelligence. He had never truly applied himself while they had been in high school but Mai had always known Joey to be a smart young man. While attending Domino High, there had been no one else that she could trade barbs and match wits with.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Joey asked icily, ignoring the pleading look that Bakura gave him. Mai opened her hand mirror, reapplying her lipstick slowly. She did this very seductively, enjoying the effect that she was having on the two men. Snapping the case shut, she smiled at them both this time, showcasing two rows of beautiful teeth.

"Oh don't get your panties in a bunch Wheeler. It was just a joke, you know for shits and giggles. Geesh, when did Joey become such a stick in the mud Bakura?"

Mai asked, rolling her eyes at the man in question. Bakura sighed, seeing that the two only moments after being reacquainted were already getting their digs in. He supposed that it would be too much to ask for both of them to be mature adults.

"I don't suppose it would be too much trouble to ask you two to behave like adults would it? You should both let the past die. Besides, we aren't kids anymore, the games are over."

"You know what happened when I tried to make amends Bakura, but some women like her just can't do the right thing. Let's get out of here, Adrianna's probably worried."

Mai's ears perked at the woman's name. Who was this Adrianna anyway? Knowing Joey she was probably just another girl in his harem. She scowled then, remembering how much she disliked that jerk.

"Who is Adrianna?"

"Curiosity killed the cat."

Joey replied snarkily. Mai smiled again, causing him to quiver in the knees slightly.

"But satisfaction brought him back."

Joey snorted at her pathetic answer, already beginning to gather his belongings.

"Adrianna is my girlfriend, who I hope you will be meeting soon when you come to visit?"

"I'd be delighted, Bakura. As long as you keep the dumb blonde out of my way, it would be a pleasure."

Mai answered sweetly, ignoring Joey's angry mumbling. She scrawled her cell phone number down, slipping it into Bakura's hand. Gathering her bags, she gave the young man one last hug.

"We have to get together sometime. I want to meet this girlfriend of yours!"

Mai said with a bright smile. Joey frowned at the two of them. Why couldn't she scram already? Mai graced Joey with one last eye roll, before continuing her shopping.

"Joey."

"Mai."

Bakura watching from a few feet away knew that things were only going to get worse with those two wackos in close contact once more. He certainly hoped that the years spent apart from one another had matured their attitudes, but already things appeared to be looking down. The unsettling rumble of his stomach seemed to foretell the tumultuous times ahead.

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Footnotes: That's it so far. Let me know if you liked it. Was it too bad? Any suggestions, comments, criticisms, praise, yadda, yadda, yadda… As always reviews are my (nicotine/crack/whatever addicts are taking) caffeine! Click the review button please, and thanks for reading, I appreciate it. Happy New Years 2005! Peace!

-Shanni