Disclaimer: Rutabagas are called Swedes in England. (Thanks to Andromeda Snape-Malfoy for pointing that out!) The rutabaga is very similar to the turnip except that it generally has yellowish flesh, a more dense root with more side shoots and they are usually harvested at a larger size. Unlike the turnip, the rutabaga has smooth, waxy leaves. (Theme music from: "The more you know".) The author would also like to apologize for her consistent misspelling of rutabaga in the previous chapters. ;) Blame it on a hard southern accent...
AN: For full groveling and apologies, see my author profile.
Chapter Eleven: Conspiracy Theories
"Harry, why is there a giant rutabaga under the Christmas tree?"
"I don't see a rutabaga." Remus wordlessly handed Harry his glasses. "Oh...um..." Harry was saved from having to answer by the arrival of the Daily Prophet, and Padfoot's subsequent happy dance. "Look! Sirius is moonwalking!"
Remus gave Harry the "We'll discuss this later" look. "Siri...why are you doing that?"
"Fudge is gone!" Then he started yodeling while dressed as a Bavarian fruitcake. "Merry Christmas! Yodalayhewhoo! Fudge is missing! Yodalayhewhoo! I have presents! Yodalayhe yodalayhe yodalayhe yodalayheWHOOOOOOooooo!"
After Sirius had been sedated, Remus turned to Harry. "Harry...I may have been around Ate too much...but...did you have anything to do with this?"
Harry blinked, then placed his hand over his heart. "I swear I didn't slip anything into Padfoot's coffee."
Remus smiled a little. "That wasn't what I was asking. What I want to know is...did you have anything to do with Fudge's disappearance?"
Rumples spoke up from the couch. "You have been around me too much! Do you really think Harry slipped out in the middle of the night armed with a wand with an altered signature and changed the Minister of Magic into a giant rutabaga?"
"You're right," Remus admitted easily. "You probably did it. Harry, hand me your wand."
Harry winced. "Alright, but I think now would be an excellent time to point out that it isn't technically illegal to change your wand's magical signature to the magical signature of another person. There's a loophole."
"And whose signature is currently on it?"
"Dumbledore's."
Remus seemed to freeze for a moment...then he began laughing. "So Dumbledore has just been framed for the disappearance of the Minister of Magic?"
"Uh-huh."
"And the Minister is currently a giant rutabaga sitting under our Christmas tree?"
"Yes."
"And no one thought to leave a wax figure of Barry Manilow in the office?" Harry blinked. Remus expounded. "To tie him to the string of incidents with the Dursleys."
"Ohhhh!" Ate hit herself in the forehead with a rubber paw. "I knew I'd forgotten something. Give me a sec." She vacated Rumples momentarily to have a chat with Chronos.
>
...Meanwhile, in Malfoy Manor...
"Draco! Come down from that bell tower this instant and take your potion!" Lucius was at the end of his rope...
...Then, suddenly...
>
Ate returned a few moments later holding the latest edition of The Daily Prophet.
Minister of Magic Missing!
Foul Play Suspected!
Special Correspondent Rita Skeeter Reports:
Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge vanished from his office late last night under mysterious circumstances. One anonymous source has disclosed that a wax figure of muggle celebrity Barry Manilow was found at the scene, and security footage shows small shadowed figures entering and exiting through the Minister's window. The source also states that police believe it is possible that this is a publicity stunt by the LLF to gain larger public recognition than they currently enjoy.
While official police statements deny having formed any link between the disappearance of Minister Fudge, the Lilliputian Liberation Front, and the mysterious vanishing and reappearance of the muggle Marge Dursley, this reporter believes that the figure of Barry Manilow-found at both scenes-speaks for itself.
(Story continued on page 2)
Rumples was performing a little squeaky victory dance around the rutabaga when Lucius's head appeared in the fireplace. "Excuse me, gentlemen. I hate to interrupt the festivities, but we're having a little situation with Draco."
Harry frowned lightly. "What's wrong with him? Did he try to break open the Christmas presents and get booby-trapped?"
"No, I'm afraid it's worse than that. A few days ago, he came down with the wizarding version of chicken pox, and now he's convinced that he's some sort of crazy muggle character from a book. He hasn't come out of the manor's bell tower all day, and every time I try to go up there, he starts throwing things at me and yelling 'Sanctuary!'."
Remus pondered the situation for a moment. "Does he call himself Quasimodo?"
"Yes."
"Okay, here's what we need to do!" Harry said excitedly. "Lucius, contact Hermione and tell her to meet us at the manor dressed as a gypsy and to bring a tambourine! Remus, go wake up Sirius and contact Severus. We're going to have Snape dress up as an 18th century magistrate. I'll get Narcissa and start building a stake to burn Hermione on below the bell tower."
"Harry, this all sounds very interesting but..."
"Trust me! It's foolproof! All we have to do is wait for Draco to try to rescue Hermione then nab him and hope he doesn't drop molten metal and bits of stone on us first!" Harry clapped happily. "Now everyone get to work!" The brunette vanished into his bedroom to get some supplies.
"Do you have a better plan, Remus?" Lucius asked wearily.
"Sadly no."
"Do you have a worse plan then?"
"I don't have any plan at all."
"Could you make one?"
"Given time." Remus sighed. "The sad thing is, from what I remember of the story, this might actually work."
"Provided Miss Granger doesn't die from smoke inhalation, of course." The two men looked at each other for a long moment. "We're doomed, aren't we?"
"So doomed."
>
It was a fine day for a witch burning, as those went, and despite Hermione's less-than-enthusiastic performance as "helpless victim", everything seemed to be going fairly smoothly. Draco was repeatedly seen peeking out of the windows of the tower to observe Harry and Narcissa as the stake was built and stocked with kindling. By the time Sirius and Remus came out of the manor escorting a reluctant Snape, he was shouting curses down at them in fluent French.
"I didn't know Draco spoke French," Harry said thoughtfully.
"We usually summer in Paris."
"Ah."
"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't realize Draco had been spending time at the docks."
Harry blinked. "Never mind, Harry dear."
Hermione was led bound and gagged by Lucius out of Malfoy Manor. She glared at Harry while she was being tied to the stake.
Harry nudged Severus. "You have to make a speech."
"About what?" Snape snapped.
"About how Hermione has been found guilty of witchcraft and refused to recant and is going to Hell. You know, the typical gloating bad guy stuff."
"Right..." At Harry's resultant puppy-dog expression, he conceded. "You're a bad influence on him, Black."
"Thank you!"
Snape stepped up to the base of the stake and placed a sonorus on himself. "This...unscrupulous sinner has failed to debase herself in front of the glory of...er...myself! She has been duly and justly convicted of acts which are unlawful in the eyes of this most esteemed government and in the eyes of God himself! As such, she is to be punished in both this life and the here after! But for now, we're just going to use her to roast marshmallows. Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!" Severus absently flicked an incendio over his shoulder as he stepped away.
Narcissa stared at him, amazed. "Are you drunk?"
Remus grinned. "How did you think we got him here? Reasoned arguments?" Severus weaved his way back toward the manor calling for eggnog and singing "Happy Birthday." He hadn't removed the sonorus.
Meanwhile, Draco was busily tying a rope to one of the bells and attempting to scratch his spots at the same time. It was a bit harder than he had anticipated, but he eventually managed. Then he jumped out the window yelling "Someone save the snorkels!"
Unfortunately, he forgot the rest of the rope.
Fortunately, he landed on Severus.
Back at Hogwarts>
Ate was sprawled regally across the couch beside the Christmas tree reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Good Deeds and laughing herself silly. "Loki! Loki, get down here! You have to see this!"
Loki appeared in a flash of fire. "What?" Then he swelled up like a balloon. "ATE!"
"Don't you just love food allergies?"
>
AN: Just thought I should remind everyone in case they forgot. Loki revealed that he was allergic to Rutabagas in Chapter Six. And Chronos is, of course, the God of Time.
athenakitty: Well...if he ever gets back from his little trip with Goosey, I imagine he'll be about as sane as any of my other characters. But who knows, maybe it'll broaden his horizons? -gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Morrolan: Thanks for your patience! Hope you find this funny! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
RainOwl: Glad you think so...I'd hate to disappoint you when I repeatedly torment him throughout the rest of the series! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Lady FoxFire: Well...I haven't managed to sell any of my non-existant sanity on Ebay yet, but here's your kleenex anyway! And there will be more Dumbledore punishing in the next chapter! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie and three boxes of Kleenex-
DeathlyNightshade: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Christmas in Arkansas is rarely any better. It's usually cold, but I can count on one hand then number of times we've had snow on the ground. It's really more of a brown Christmas (since all the grass is dead). -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
crazy-lil-nae-nae: Thanks! A rutabaga is like a yellow turnip. Except that it sounds funnier when spoken. :) -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Isis's Rose: Try feeding some to your new plushie! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
evil older sister: Yeah. I figured that Congo-Canada thing was something only Sirius could pull off. Thanks for the chocolate! Sorry to keep you waiting. -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Smiley Face3: I've recently enrolled my laptop in Cider Addicts Anonymous. It's a 12 step program...makes me wish my laptop had feet. Bad puns aside, I'm glad you like the chapter. Hope this one's just as funny! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
highbrass: Thanks! Sorry about the wait! -cowers humbly and hands you a Quasimodo plushie-
Kaaera: The minister is the rutabaga (which looks like a yellow turnip). Glad you liked the chapter! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Thelvyn: (evil laughter) THERE WILL BE NO MERCY! Mwahahahahah! (evil laughter over) Glad you liked it! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
CelticCross83: 1. Only in Dobby's head. 2. Goosey's currently on tour with Lockhart. They'll return in the next chapter. 3. No, but he is a Melvin fan! 4. A rutabaga is like a yellow turnip. Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
SadnessAndSorrow: Thanks! Glad you like my stories! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
justmehere22: Wow! Thank you so much! Yeah, I can't stand when people write like that either... Oh! And extra points for mentioning puppets! -Gives out Quasimodo puppet-
Andromeda Snape-Malfoy: Thanks for the tip! That explains why so many of my reviewers were confused by that... -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Never Odd Or eveN: Thanks! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
shadow-darkness89: Thanks! Me too! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
NamelessHeretic: Thanks! I find most people to be a little of both. :) -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
kawaii chibi shun: Thanks! Hmm...since I don't want to totally give away the plot, I'll just say that the cheese wedge hats are connected to Melvin. And, no, Sirius and Remus aren't summoners. Siri is just a little...nutty. :) -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
gamdori-bil: Thanks! Yeah...they keep trying to put me away, but it's really easy to escape! All it takes is a rubber ducky and a butane torch. :) -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Anon Junky: Oh my goodness! -Revives you and hands you a Quasimodo plushie-
Lady-Snape7: -grin- Gee...I just can't imagine... -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Alexander: Oh, I don't smoke. Believe it or not, this results purely from caffeine and chocolate! Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Nocturnal Princess: Always happy to oblige! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
80286: Thanks! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Nahirta: It's okay. I know the feeling! Uh-oh...what is Sir Antlers up to! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Inimene: Well...this is an AU. Besides, I've always had a distinct like of sharp wits:) -Gives out Quasimodo plusie-
VainFirechild-EverSoVain: Thanks! Love the quote, by the way! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
aniala: Thank you! Yeah, I'm not too fond of Dumbledore either Oh, and thank you soooo much for the purple antelope picture! I have it posted on my profile now! -Gives out Quasimodo Plushie-
FortunaMajor88: Thanks! I'll mark you down as one vote against Hermione and Ginny. I really like the parrot sketch though! Maybe you should just let your parrot recite that (although I do appreciate the sentiment)... -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Dragon Shade: Oh, nothing really. I rather like it! Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
Kitsu Kurasei: Wow! I think that's the longest review I've ever gotten! Hmmm...okay, now I'm going to have to try that...maybe with Mountain Dew for maximum effect! Yay! I'm a humor god! -insert happy dance here- -insert sound of breaking glass here- -insert coordinated happy dance here- Yeah, I can think of a lot of ways to work Melandru in. -insert evil grin here- Most of them end badly for Lockhart, too! -Gives out 10,000 packets of sugar, several cases of Mountain Dew, and a Quasimodo plushie-
kelpieater: Thanks for reviewing! Hmmm...I've never seen that spelling of Freya before. I'll be sure to include those! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
guess: Oddly enough, just caffeine, chocolate, and sleep deprivation! It's a potent combination. :) Thanks for the suggestion. I'll be sure to check that out! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
DuchessAndromeda : Thanks! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-
morgan000: Thanks for reviewing and everything! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-