If Only Sauron was Smarter…

Summary: Sauron could easily have won the war. How, you ask? Well, with a series of cunning tactics, he could have had all of Middle Earth on his side… Humor fic, R & R!

Disclaimer: All of this belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien! Even though if he knew what I was doing with his ideas, as one of my reviewers put it, he would come after me with an axe.

A/N: Hello! My name is Hilary, and after I thought long and hard about it, I realized that Sauron could have won the war. If only he was smarter… Lol. In this fic, Sauron is the strange glowing eye from the movie. Well, this story will probably have about 10-11 chapters. It won't be too long. Bear with me! :D

Chapter One: The Duties of Nazgul One

Sauron looked over his Nazgul, which were lined up before him.

"Nazgul!" His voice echoed in the mind instead of the ears. "We have jobs for you. We are coming upon the time to finally get our ring back! Then, we shall rule ALL!"

Sauron enjoyed talking about himself in plural. After all, wasn't that what all the important people did?

The Nazgul watched him with eyes that didn't exist, wondering what the heck he was going to come up with next.

"We have trained you well—" (Here the Nazgul exchanged glances, rolling their non-existent eyes), "And it is time for you to prove yourself to us! Now is the time of Glory! Now is the time of Power! Now is the time…for Nazgul One to pick a paper out of that little bag over there."

Nazgul one looked over to where Sauron had indicated, (…Somehow…) and then walked over to the little brown bag and gazed down at it with a confused expression.

"Sir…this is your great plan? Little scraps of paper in a brown bag—"

"INSOLENCE!"

"…Sorry…"

"Now pick your paper."

Nazgul one reached in and pulled out a small white scrap.

"What does it say?"

"Hobbits?"

"Ah. Good. Now We shall tell you Our diabolical plan! Nazgul one, you have picked the paper labled "Hobbits." Therefore, you shall seek out their living place, learn their weakness, and bring all of the hobbits to the Dark Side! In turn, each of the other Nazgul will pick a paper as well, then do the same. Everyone okay with that?"

The Nazgul nodded.

"Great. Nazgul One?"

"Yes, master?"

"Get out of Our sight."

xxxxx

Nazgul One finally reached Hobbiton after long days of riding his pretty black horse that made irritating screeching noises. (Yes, a long misunderstood fact. It is actually the horse that makes those noises…not the Nazgul.)

When he got there, however, he had no idea where to start. The hobbits were kindly folk, but they weren't inclined to trust a tall, shadowy figure that rode a black horse. How was he to find out their weakness?

Unfortunately, his first attempt hadn't worked…

--Flash back to first attempt—

Nazgul One rode his horse up to the first hobbit hole he could find. After dismounting dramatically in that slow-motion way, he pounded on the door.

It opened just a crack, and a little face peered up at him with a terrified look on its face.

"Hello, my good hobbit!" the odd, menacing thing said, "How is your day going?"

The hobbit stared at him for a long time. After a little while, Nazgul One got impatient. You don't know how hot those stupid cloaks are on a late summer day…even to a strange, undead, ghost-like creature.

"Well?"

The hobbit whimpered, and Nazgul One frowned. "Fine then, don't tell me." He sounded slightly hurt. Then it was back to business. "I'm taking a survey for Sauron, who wishes to be the Evil Conqueror of Middle Earth. Would you be so kind as to tell me your weakness?"

Nazgul One looked hopefully at the hobbit.

It fainted.

--end flash back—

It took weeks of hiding in shadows and spying on the odd little creatures—(who were excruciatingly dull)—until he finally found a lead on something.

Confident he knew their weakness, he pulled gloves over hands that weren't there, and walked off into the forest.

It was time for some dirty work…

xxxxx

Five days later, Nazgul One was ready.

He had signed up a week beforehand to make a speech on hobbit square, to all of the hobbits from Bree, and Hobbiton.

He smiled at them as he stepped up onto the podium (even though they couldn't see it), dragging huge, heavy paper bags behind him. Then he cleared his throat impressively.

"Good afternoon, my hobbits!"

He waited at least for a "Good afternoon!" in reply, but there was silence.

Somewhat miffed, Nazgul One continued. "I am a representative of Sauron, the Evil ruler of Mordor."

No reaction, other than faint whimpers and some muttering of, "I told you he was up to no good…"

"I have come to make a deal with you. This deal shall make your lives much simpler. And longer."

There was no enthusiasm at all. The hobbits stared blankly at him. Some of them were slowly beginning to back away.

"As a member of the dark side, you will be indulged in activities such as rebel-slaying, stealing, lying, cheating, and, of course, occasionally killing your friends when you get bored. But who really cares about that—"

The hobbits were starting to run away.

Nazgul One wasn't about to give up, however. Triumphantly he held up one of the bags. "Come, join the Dark Side...We have Mushrooms!"

The hobbits froze in their tracks, and turned back to look hungrily at the bags.

Nazgul One stepped down from the podium and into his make-shift stand. "Would you all form your line here, and I'll stamp your hand with this pretty white hot symbol of Mordor. In exchange, I'll give you all mushrooms."

The hobbits all rushed for the stand.

"Now, now, no fighting! Single file, everyone, there's enough to go around!"

Nazgul One began stamping hands and handing out mushrooms.

(A/N: I really don't care if no one likes it. I have fun writing it, so I'm going to continue. The chapters get better as it goes along. :D)