Explaining PMS

Authors' Note

Okay, okay…so we lied – this will not be the last chapter! We're praying that the next chapter will be the last though – this chapter was hella long and it took so much planning and editing too! We're truly sorry for the annual updates…there are definite drawbacks in being a college student especially when it's your final year this year (Angel's Final Year!) as for devil (Well I just recently transferred into another degree hence I've inevitably added more years of study in my life – nooo!) so we know that this excuse isn't good enough…but we can't thank our loyal readers enough – you're enthusiasm was awesome guys so here it is: a superrrrrrrrrr LONG-ASS chapter for you all!

Once again – shout out to all our reviewers!

Disclaimer: Hana Yori Dango, its story and characters all belong to Kamio-san

Chapter 5: Cramps, periods, pads and tampons…ahh the restricted world of women

Pink

It was all his eyes would consent to as he stood in the female hygiene aisle, listening to the pathetic prattles of the drug-store manager.

'Sir, if you don't tell me what you're looking for, I cannot be of any assistance.'

If he hadn't been sent on this urgent errand, he wouldn't even have contemplated twice about hitting this annoying bastard…but no, Tsukushi desperately needed those items, and he would find them…at least he hoped he would find them – no thanks to that annoying manager.

'Sir. Please, it would be easier if you could just tell me what you were looking for? It would make things a lot faster.' Tsukasa i frowned. 'And perhaps a little…easier for you sir!' the manager squeaked out meekly.

Tsukasa could feel the familiar twitch on an erupted vein throbbing, pulsating above his temple.

Red

He had had enough of the incessant rambling.

'DON'T YOU F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING ASSHOLE! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M DOMYOUJI TSUKASA! I CAN EVEN SHUT DOWN THIS PATHETIC DRUG STORE DOWN AND PUT YOU OUT OF A JOB!'

With a high-pitched squeal and a frightened last glance, the manager scrambled as fast as his stocky legs would allow him towards the storeroom.

'That's right! Be gone with you!'

Breathing heavily, Tsukasa shut his eyes. He really hated to do this and knew he'd regret it later, but an emergency was an emergency, and if he didn't do this now he wouldn't know what to do later.

Fishing out his cell phone, his fingers naturally dialed the familiar numbers and waited in disgrace for the receiver to pick up.

'My, my, my Tsukasa, calling while you're on a date, really now, you should know better than that.' The playful voice of the receiver answered.'Even a dumbass would know that the proper protocol of a date specifies that phone calls during a date. Period. Phone calls to hot, attractive and handsome friends DURING a DATE are a violation of the code.'

Tsukasa cringed in humiliation and gritted his teeth.

'Look, Sojiro, don't F**K around…I'mobligedtoaskforyouradvice.'

'Huh? Speak Japanese dude, I don't understand your virgin gibberish.'

Breathe Tsukasa. Breathe.

Shutting his eyes, Tsukasa repeated his dreaded inquiry.

'Look Sojiro, I hate that of all people I'm asking you…but I feel obliged to ask you for your advice since you claim to be the more experienced of us all.'

With a defeated sigh, Tsukasa waited for what was coming; and bowed to the inevitable.

'AHA! I knew you couldn't resist my charms. This is the very day to get pissed till I'm out cold and to make love like there's no tomorrow-'

'Oi, oi! That's not the point -' in vain Tsukasa attempted to interject but his playboy friend had other ideas.

'To think, that FINALLY the day you call and concede brings tears to my eyes. May I hear you repeat it once more?'

'What? NO! LISTEN - '

Nevertheless, Sojiro continued, 'Actually that's not important. You've asked me for tips, so I'll give them to you. Listen well Tsukasa. The key to any girl's desire is to manipulate her heart. Take her out shopping, compliment her frequently and then, hehehe, and then push her gently to the limit. Start slowly at her lips and work your way to her jugular until you reach her décolletage; they're sensitive there you know. While you're exploring with your lips your hands should be…'

Tsukasa listened to his friend's slightly R-rated advice, turning every shade of red each time his advice digressed a different and irrelevant level. 'My hands should be where? Wait. No, no urghhh..STOP Sojiro, you're not even listening!'

'And then you let her straddle your legs…'

'THAT'S IT SOJIRO! GET AKIRA ON THE PHONE NOW!'

'Akira…what huh?' replied the confused playboy, before the boy in question made an attempt to grab the phone.

Tsukasa sighed as he listened to his two best friends grapple and tussle over the phone. Any minute and he would've reacted, and in such a public place. The humiliation. The red blush that shrouded his defined cheekbones was still very present much to his disdain.

'Hello? Tsukasa? Gerroff me Sojiro!' Obviously the former had won in the struggle and had to make do listening to Sojiro mope sulkily next to him.

'Akira, I'm going to ask you since that good for nothing Sojiro won't even hear me out.' He began with a roll of his eyes before continuing, 'Look, I'm going to keep this short since it's an emergency, but to cut a long story short, Makino's sent me on an errand after some bloody stupid date. Do you know – that girl had the audacity to humiliate me in front of everyone I - '

'Wait! Tsukasa, I'm not sure I'm comprehending the situation here. Errand? What?'

Caught off guard at almost giving away the fact that HE Domyouji Tsukasa was humiliated in public, Tsukasa backpedaled. 'My bad. I'm digressing from the point.' He began congratulating himself for the evasive tactic. 'Okay, presently, Makino has locked herself in the cinema's toilet and from the sounds she's uttering, I'm positive she's in pain. So she's sent on an errand to the nearest drugstore to buy her some products. Although I'm not too sure what they are.'

Obviously, Akira knew exactly what these products were, but he wouldn't let Domyouji know that. No. It was best to let the boy figure it himself. 'So. What are these so-called products Tsukasa?' Akira asked almost slyly.

'She muttered something about pads…but I'm not sure that's exactly a word.' Domyouji frowned and mused in recollection, 'She must have been confused…or maybe somewhat delirious. Maybe she meant fads; I mean fad is definitely a word.'

Over the other side of the phone, the wavy-haired playboy could not contain his annoyance as he listened to the senseless ramblings of his friend, but since he was not able to physically face the ramifications of Tsukasa's wrath, it was all the more reason to make the poor boy suffer. Period. Suffer a little more that was.

'Hmmm… okay…say she did say to get her some 'Fads', but exactly what exactly what would these 'Fads' entail the use of? Can you think of anything?'

Tsukasa scratched his head at Akira's words. What type of 'Fads' would the race of women need when in severe mood swings, accompanied by stomachaches, dark eye bags and …OH MY GOSH he'd figured it out.

'HEMORRHOID CREAM!' he yelled into the phone cradling it onto his shoulder as he ran to the specified aisle, fingers running down the plethora of hemorrhoid creams.

Silence ensued over the receiver following his sudden outburst.

'WHAT?' came the inevitable reply from Akira. 'What the hell are you on about Tsukasa?'

'My dear friend I've figured it out!' Tsukasa's eyes glistened. 'Makino has been sporting rather unattractive eye bags these past few weeks, either from work or having to miss me…though I'd like to assume it is the latter."

Akira rolled his eyes.

'Anyway, so I heard from Tsubaki one day that apparently hemorrhoid cream does wonders to eye bags and that a majority of girls use it nowadays, hence it is a fad.' He ended triumphantly, with his oh-so-familiar look of arrogance.

'Sometimes I wonder if I should really bother.' Akira sighed dejectedly over the receiving end. Now was probably not the best time to rebuke him violently, after all, Domyouji Tsukasa wasn't exactly the brightest man, but perhaps this was a particular exception.

'And what's that supposed to mean.' Tsukasa demanded into the phone the familiar twitching of his vein beginning to activate automatically.

'Tsukasa do you even know what a hemorrhoid is?'

'Well if you paid attention to me earlier you would have heard that hemorrhoid cream is a type of Fad that women use to rid their eye bags. So a hemorrhoid is therefore essentially the more scientific term of eye bag.'

Slaps on foreheads could be heard on the other end.

'Tsukasa a hemorrhoid is NOT a freaking eye bag.' Akira gritted his teeth as Sojiro guffawed heartily beside him.

'It's…it's not?"

Akira sighed dejectedly and preceded the arduous task of explaining the wonders of hemorrhoids.

Almost immediately Tsukasa dropped the hemorrhoid cream he had so proudly held his hand in disgust and backed away.

'Y-y-you have to rub t-that…t-there…and you gotta…' Tsukasa shivered from trauma and fiddled nervously with his fingers.

'Tsukasa have you always been this inarticulate?' Akira grinned rather evilly, amusement reigning king in his voice. 'Anyhow now do you understand that maybe hemorrhoid cream is perhaps NOT what you're searching for?'

"Mother F**Ker! Tsukushi has hemorrhoids! Wha-'

"Oi Tsukasa be reasonab-'

'That's just freaking disgusting! What kind of fad is tha-'

'TSUKASA JUST SHUT THE F**K UP AND LISTEN!' Of course such situations as these certainly didn't merit a fine vintage and this certainly was an exception, especially for the habitually composed Akira who seldom swore. 'Tsukasa please be a little more reasonable for once in your life and maybe, just learn to shut up and listen to me!'

Tsukasa's incoherent mumblings indicated to Akira that the curly-haired had acquiesced at his request.

'Look Tsukasa I need to know whether or not you're standing in the female hygiene aisle, or at least anywhere near it.'

'Huh? Female hygiene? That's where that darn manager took me before he began berating me about what I the GREAT Domyouji Tsukasa should do - the nerve of the guy!'

'Yea, that's great all but you're not exactly alleviating the situation here. Just tell me are you in the damn aisle or not.' The Mimasaka heir growled.

'Gee Akira, since when were you so grouchy?' Tsukasa replied eyes narrowing in annoyance.

'Trained only by the best.'

'I can't believe you're giving me credit for that.'

'Just answer the damn question – are you in the aisle now?' Akira ignored his friend's expletives having already been accustomed to his tradition of colourful word choice.

'Yes, I'm here. Now what? What am I supposed to be looking for?'

'What else are you supposed look for in the….' Akira murmured, before deciding to implement a little more damage. 'Alright Tsukasa, are you perhaps seeing anything pink?'

'The whole freaking aisle is pink!'

'Excellent. That's what I wanted to hear. You're exactly where you need to be.'

Tsukasa scowled distastefully. 'So are you going to tell me exactly what I need to be looking for or are you just going to let me stand here before I start scratching my soiled eyes out?'

'Tsukasa,' Akira began, 'have you always been so damn oblivious to your surroundings?'

'Huh?'

'You're such an dunce that you probably haven't even noticed that you've been staring right into the answer you need.'

'What was that?' Tsukasa barked into the receiver. 'Speak up, you're a little inaudible here.'

Sighing, Akira rolled his eyes, their work was definitely cut out for them, 'Listen Tsukasa we'll be there in 5 minutes…max. So for the time being use this time wisely and find what you're searching for…it shouldn't be too hard for you.'

'So, what I'm just going to stand here for 5 bloody minutes in this disgusting sea of pink before my eyes drop out my sockets?'

'If life depends upon it yes.' Came the jovial reply, much to the chagrin of Tsukasa.

'Some friend you are.'

'No you'll thank me for this later.' And in spiteful revenge, the Mimasaka heir couldn't help but stab into the wound… even more so.

'By the way, did Makino perhaps exploit her sexual innuendos or offer you any of her sexual services?'

'W-what-what are you spouting Akira?' Tsukasa wrung his fingers nervously. 'She did nothing of the sort."

'Then perhaps YOU took advantage of her flurried state…'

'Now see here, let me set YOU straight. She embarrassed me! The nerve of that girl! She made me touch her…' Tsukasa threw his free hand in the air in frustration before clasping it onto his mouth, realizing he had just given into submission.

'And there he goes,' Akira cackled clapping his hands in triumph,' almost as good as an admission!'

'You're evil! Akira, wait till I get my hands on you.'

'Ho, ho, that's a bit rich coming from someone who got himself in this sticky situation.'

'Don't take the pleasure of basking in my situation Akira unless you want an early death wish.'

'It was never in my intentions to do so.'

'I hate you.'

'See you later Tsukasa.'

Tsukasa scowled, veins throbbing in action.

'She has to put that WHERE?'

Almost twenty minutes had elapsed since their phone conversation and Tsukasa had painfully succumbed to the frequent and curious stares of female onlookers, which by the way he had scared off in Domyouji Fashion. His 'so-called-best friends' had nonchalantly breezed in after a seemingly long detour…in which led to the inevitable: cruising around their usual scene in blasé fashion, thus consequently increasing their number of stubborn conquests. Of course this transpired, while HE, the Great Domyouji had stood there much to his chagrin staring at an aisle of pink. Needless to say, he had discovered that this particular rendez vous of theirs, was, merely blatant revenge for his ignorance.

After what seemed like 5 minutes of berating them in volatile fashion, using only a plethora of colourful words that he could concoct, Tsukasa thought he was ready to be introduced to the world of women. Of course he couldn't imagine what the duo had install for him, especially after Sojiro had merrily shoved a pack of tampons under his nose whilst concurrently explaining the directions of its use.

…which of course had led to this current predicament.

'She has to do what with it? NO – There is no WAY I'm letting this thing called a tampon – take the virginity of Makino – no way in hell!'

'If you could be a little less blunt please Tsukasa, a tampon does NOT take the virginity of a woman!' Akira hissed aware of the increasing onlookers.

'Hey look! They come in sizes. Ultra Thin, Regular, Medium Flow…the list goes on!' Sojiro marveled in awe before the shelves of tampons.

"Really Sojiro, you're not exactly helping the situation here.' Akira scowled at his friend's immaturity.

'Doesn't help to look does it?' The latter grinned evilly. 'Besides size does matter especially if it involves the flow in Makino's situation.'

'I guess so…though I don't think she's a tampon type of girl.' Akira murmured surveying the rows of tampons.

Tsukasa growled in annoyance. He had hoped that his friends would be kind enough to assist him in this quandary, and yet to have the tables be turned on him was truly evil. Clearly he had not been invited into this conversation. 'Both of you realize that you have yet to assist in my finding the answer.'

'And the answer being…' Sojiro raised an eyebrow in annoyance.

'Well that's the freaking point! All you did was just shove a freaking pack of tampons under my nose whilst telling me that this certain product will take the virginity of my girlfriend. Yes I can really see that helping me find the answer.'

'For the LAST time Tsukasa, a tampon does NOT take the virginity of a woman! Get that through your head will you?!' Akira exclaimed, all the while shaking a pack of tampons in front of Tsukasa spitefully.

Administrating a look of disapproval, Tsukasa savagely snatched the pack and shoved it back onto the shelf in disgust.

'Alright let's say that a tampon does not take the virginity of a woman…'

'Which it doesn't!'

'WHAT,' Tsukasa enunciated, 'if Makino doesn't even like wearing tampons.' He folded his arms across his broad chest, a smug expression hanging off his facial features.

'Simple.' Sojiro replied picking up a small pink and white striped packet, 'it's called, PADS', he enunciated.

Snatching the packet, Tsukasa peered onto the label.

'Libra Invisible Pads with Aloe Vera.' He read before peering up at his companions. 'And this helps me how?'

The duo let out an exasperated sigh; this was definitely more than they had bargained for. Tsukasa wasn't exactly the brightest person they knew, heck he could even been classified as a moron, but this time he was definitely far more removed from this element than first perceived.

'Tsukasa how much do you really know about woman.' Sojiro queried with much reinforced exasperation.

'More than enough, I can say. I mean I don't want to cross unnecessary boundaries.' Tsukasa paused in thought before throwing them a knowledgeable glance. 'There's a limit as to how much a guy should pry.'

'Really.' Akira narrowed his eyes, skepticism, ringing true in his voice. 'So I take it you've heard of Menstruation or Period.'

'O-o-of course I have.' Tsukasa recoiled slightly as though someone had shoved something distasteful in front on him. 'It's not something I'd like to discuss…' He glanced around before whispering, 'It's not something I'd like to discuss publicly.'

'Tsukasa,' Sojiro began while Akira sighed dejectedly, 'look where we are. We're standing in the female's hygiene aisle, as if that's not public enough for you.'

'Yea but we're not doing anything wrong.'

'This IS considered WRONG!'

'Alright,' Akira interjected, snatching the packet of pads Sojiro was holding, 'Tsukasa do you know what these are? They're definitely NOT a fad.'

Tsukasa stared at them with blatant ignorance.

'Okay…' Akira trailed shutting his eyes briefly, 'can you explain to us what you know about menstruation?'

'Well,' Tsukasa cringed slightly before taking a breath, 'all I know is that it's a monthly cycle for women, it has something to do with fertility and there's a hell of a lot of blood!'

'Well at least he's not as obtuse as first thought.' Sojiro muttered to Akira. Tsukasa shot him a dangerous look.

'Do you know where the blood comes from…'

'Arghh!' Tsukasa yelled frantically, 'details, details! I know alright - we don't have to go there.'

'We kind of have to if I'm explaining to you what a pad is…anyway as you pointed out there's a lot of blood, yes? 'Akira paused. 'So of course you need some sort of err…. absorbency to obstruct the amount of flow…hence the purpose of the pad or tampon.' He finished rather meekly

Once more they found themselves victims to the blank stare of Domyouji Tsukasa.

'Maybe you should consider explaining this to him at a more elementary level.' Sojiro whispered, phone in hand and texting at frantic speed. 'It'd be the safest option.'

Akira shot him a look of disbelief, 'Sojiro what the hell are you doing? I do hope you're not calling one of your pathetic conquests because we have more pressing matters to tend to.'

'Well after much deliberation, I believe that I should call in the reinforcements, as this seems to fit the criteria for back-up help.' The latter piped.

'Thanks for the input.' Akira rolled his brown eyes, 'Okay Tsukasa, a pad is something a female applies on their undergarment, to inhibit the flow of their period. Make sense?'

'So, basically, a pad is a giant adult nappy for women.'

Sweat drops ensued following Tsukasa's statement.

'Well, when you put it that way, it does sound a little off-putting but yes it sort of is.' Akira scratched his head in thought, 'But there's always the alternate option of using a tampon…'

'NO! Pads it is…not matter how repulsive they are…' came the inevitable reply.

'Alright then, now that you've chosen your choice, which one are you going to choose?' Akira pondered observing the rows of pads. 'I mean they come in levels of different levels of absorbency.'

'Um, hang on…why are we getting Makino these certain items again?'

Sojiro sighed, 'My gawd Tsukasa, have you not been listening?'

'Well you guys kept jumping from one topic to the other, each of them digressing from the other - how the hell am I supposed figure things out!'

'We if you could just keep up with what we're saying then maybe you'd figure it out!'

'What did you - '

'Enough,' interjected Akira, ever the mediator, 'Okay Tsukasa, from our diagnosis, we very much believe that Makino has her period. Comprehending the situation?'

The Curly-haired heir nodded.

'Okay now, which type of pad are you going to get her?'

'Erghhh! How the hell am I supposed to differentiate what absorbency Makino needs just from the painful sounds she's made?' Tsukasa scowled clutching his forehead.

'Not to worry! I've taken care of that!' Sojiro grinned, slapping Tsukasa heartily on the back. 'Yuuki-chan finished work just a few minutes ago so she should be here right abou…AH there's she is, right on time!'

The petite frame of Matsuoka Yuuki magically materialized before them. Had Tsukasa not composed his happiness he would've leaped for joy, praising the god-sent angel before him.

'Yuuki-chan! You couldn't have picked a better time for dropping by on this unfortunate predicament! Thank you.' Sojiro sauntered towards the petite girl enveloping her into an affectionate hug.

A light pink blush shrouded over her pale cheeks. 'That's okay; you said the matter was urgent.' She paused. '…Something regarding Tsukushi?'

'Well…'

Sojiro and Akira glanced at Tsukasa who turned a bright shade of red.

'Well you see, Tsukasa here is playing the romantic role of a doting boyfriend…in that he's buying his damsel in distress some sanitary napkins to tide her over.'

Tsukasa scowled unhappily.

'I don't quite get it…' Yuuki scratched her head, 'Why exactly am I needed?'

'Well my dear,' Sojiro affectionately ruffled Yuuki's hair who in response pouted rather cutely, 'seeing as you're Tsukushi's best friend, you should - '

'Know what pads she typically wears that is,' Tsukasa interjected arms akimbo.

Yuuki turned red.

'Tsukasa please,' Akira reprimanded wincing, 'Must you be so blasé about such details,' he paused, 'especially in front of a lady!'

'Sorry,' Tsukasa apologized rolling his eyes.

'Just ignore him,' Sojiro glared at the latter, 'Anyway, what do you recommend for our dear weed? I'm sure you're familiar with her cycle and er…what day she's in. So would she perhaps like some pads or..' Sojiro glanced spitefully at Tsukasa, 'Or would these nice tampons do?'

'NOT those!' Tsukasa hissed angrily.

'Well,' Yuuki chewed her lip in thought, 'I know Tsukushi's not a fan of tampons…'

Tsukasa sighed in relief.

'And I know it's early in her cycle so…' Yuuki picked up a pack of super absorbent pads, 'These should do the trick!'

Yuuki handed them to the ecstatic Tsukasa and gasped when Sojiro swooped her into a hug.

'We owe you one Yuuki-chan - you have NO idea the torment we've been subjected to just explaining these things to Tsukasa!'

'Hey!' came the latter.

'Anyway,' Akira turned to Tsukasa, 'Now that you've got the pads, shouldn't you go purchase them now.'

'Well, I..' Tsukasa shuffled his feet awkwardly, 'I mean, now that I know what these things are for, you can't expect me to purchase them publicly! The shame I'd have not as a man but as a Domyouji!'

'You would have gotten them anyway regardless, whether or not Yuuki-chan came or not.' Akira justified.

'B-but!'

Sojiro sighed, 'Yuuki-chan, do you mind?'

'Not at all,' Yuuki replied shaking her head. 'I won't be a second.' She answered as she took the pack from Tsukasa's outstretched hand and retreated to the cashier.

'Happy?'

'Never better.' Tsukasa replied happily as Yuuki returned with their particular purchase in hand.

'Thanks.' Tsukasa grinned as he graciously took the precious items when without warning froze with an expression of sheer shock.

The threesome stared at him curiously.

'Oi, Tsukasa, what's wrong?' Akira queried worriedly shaking the boy from his peculiar stupor.

'SHIT! I forgot about Makino!'

'Well DUH!' Sojiro responded.

Tsukasa glared at him, 'What time is it?'

Yuuki glanced at her watched, 'It's now 12:45.'

'Arghhhh!' Tsukasa pulled at his hair, 'I've left Makino in the toilet for over half an hour! She's going to kill me!'

Sojiro and Akira guffawed heartily.

'You think this is funny?' Tsukasa hissed, 'Especially since she's a little kooky, who knows what she'll do to me!'

'Well…you know she does have her period.' Sojiro quipped.

'Ack! I'm going now.' Tsukasa yelled jogging before stopping. 'Wait… what's Makino's period got to do with this?'

'Arghhhh!' Akira yelled, hands sliding down his chiseled jaw, 'her period has everything to do with what's happening with her you fool!'

'Wait. What?'

The three sighed helplessly.

'Um,' Sojiro interjected, 'Makino?'

'Oh right!'

They watched in both sheer amusement and exasperation as the boy ran to his beloved, the precious item visibly swinging in hand despite curious glances from onlookers.

Akira sighed, 'This is going to a lot harder than first perceived.'