Warnings: Yaoi. Gay Digimon characters. Don't be offended. Hang around!

Disclaimers: Digimon doesn't belong to me. I've never claimed it did.

A/N: What do you know. A year later, I've finished a chapter. I'm sure the writing in this one doesn't make up for how long it took, but I hope I'll be forgiven for that. I didn't really mean for there to be so much one-sided Taito, but the more angst the better I always say.

be sure to visit me at my pretty new website

Flutter POV Part 3: Focus

by loveasthouwilt

Takeru had fled the room in a panic and I found him with his hands on the kitchen counter, breathing heavily over the kitchen sink.

Was he gonna throw up? Was I really that repulsive?

I didn't know what I could say to fix things...all I could think of is being very, very sorry.

"I didn't mean for you to find out like that," I told him, putting a shaking hand on his shoulder. "I just...didn't know how to tell you."

He rubbed his eyes with both his hands in attempt to clear away the shock. "No...um...it's okay," he said. Then he took a deep breath and faced me with a smile. "Really. It's okay. Unexpected, but okay."

"Okay...?" I repeated, not really sure if I should be convinced to be hopeful.

His expression changed a little and he looked concerned about something. "Are you okay?" he asked.

That triggered me to catch my breath and blink my eyes. I must have been as shocked as he was. "You can't tell anyone," I finally managed, tightening my grip on his shoulder. "Ken's not ready for anyone to know."

He's so shy and unsure of himself...and he's probably worked so hard to be their friend...and I screwed all that up...

"I won't tell if you don't want me to," he promised.

I nodded. I can trust Takeru to keep his word. I had been prepared to come out to everyone every since I decided to flirt with Ken in the first place. But I don't want to force that decision onto Ken. It wouldn't be right.

When Ken came into the room, our secret was apparently his first concern, too. "You aren't going to tell anyone, are you?" he asked Takeru.

And of course, Takeru shook his head, "It's none of their business." Then he smiled and added, "It's none of my business."

Okay. We're cool, then.

If everything was cool, I wanted to get back to what Ken and I were doing before. "Do you mind if we...?" I asked of my brother as I pointed back to Dad's room with my thumb.

I got startled reactions from both of them. Was it really such an odd suggestion?

"Um...I guess so," Takeru stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck, "but..."

Knowing what he was thinking, I snickered and grabbed Ken by the hand. "Don't worry, Takeru, we'll be considerate of you."

And I left him, blinking curiously while I dragged Ken away.

"I don't think I can do this with Takeru in there," Ken said shyly as I shut the door behind us, the darkness of the sunset surrounding us. I couldn't see him very well, but I didn't need to.

"Then we don't have to do anything," I assured him, taking him into my arms.

I could just hold him. I could be happy with that.

I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to his while his arms wrapped my shoulders.

We don't have to do anything. Just stand here with each other in the darkness and be completely comforted. We don't have to be lonely anymore, secluded by secrets. Don't have to feel bad about losing Tai anymore.

I took a deep breath, feeling guilty. At a time like this, my thoughts still wander to Taichi...I've gotta let him go.

I must've been feeling really guilty, 'cause my hands slid from Ken's lower to upper back, pulling him closer to me so that we could kiss. I like him, not Tai. And I want him to know it. I don't want him to doubt us, no matter what happens. I want...

I want Ken...

Kissing in earnest, now, I pressed him back into the bed and clumsily proceeded to unbutton his shirt. A part of me knew that there was only so far Ken would go, but there would be no harm in finding out just how far that was. My lips moved to his neck; I wanted to taste his skin and explore the tight muscles underneath with my tongue.

I gasped as cold hands slid into my shirt and around to my back, where delicate fingertips barely brushed across my skin, causing gooseflesh to rise on my arms. Oh, it felt good.

I squeezed Ken and shivered. "Mmmnn...that tickles." I purred.

With a grin, he returned his hands to the small of my back and fluttered his fingers there.

"Nnnnn...Ke...n..." I arched my back, only halfheartedly wanting to escape his touch, which was making me press myself even harder against him.

Not fair...Not fair...making me want him like that...making me writhe and moan with barely a touch...making me want him...

And then Takeru knocked on the door, telling us it was time for them to leave. Just as I was getting really comfortable.

I was on top of him, and I didn't want to let him go, so I stayed put, looking down into his eyes, then studying the rest of his face, pale silverwhite in the darkness. He looked sad, probably because he had to go. But even looking sad, he was pretty (yes, I said pretty).

With a sigh, I pushed away from him, letting him button his shirt. I wonder what strings I'd have to pull in order to get us together tomorrow. Having this one night cut short isn't the end of the world or anything.

"My mother was furious about me coming over here..." Ken said all of a sudden, "so I don't know when I'll get to see, or even talk, to you again..."

Awe, that sucks.

"Don't worry about it," I said while opening the door and letting some light into the room. "We'll work something out." I hope I can work something out. If Ken's mom has problems, I've gotta continue to encourage Ken to fight for us. I like him; I want to keep him.

But, for tonight, he had to go. So I followed him out of the room, he and my brother gathered up their digimon (I had hardly even noticed they were there), and we said our goodbyes. I wanted to kiss him goodbye, but I had to show a little respect for both of them. Ken doubtlessly didn't want to show that much affection in front of Takeru, and Takeru probably didn't want to see it either.

And then, he was gone.

I leaned against the door, closing my eyes and pressing my hands and cheek to the cold wood.

Sigh...

Ken...

I need to relax...take a bath or something...to ease all this tension from wanting and wanting. Ken sure would be ticked off if he knew that's what I was thinking. I'm a guy; I can't help it. But Ken isn't a girl, so maybe he's thinking the same thing...

I wouldn't take that chance, though. I care about him, and even though I'd like to...do stuff...I can wait. Ken is worth it.

I turned around to face the room.

So...now what?

By the time Ken got home, it would be too late to call him. It wasn't too late right then, though. Maybe Taichi...though I don't think he'd really be interested in me talking about my boyfriend. And it was still too early to call Mimi. I talk to her all the time, but I had never told her I'm gay. I'd never been confident about it until now. Yeah, I'd wait a few hours and call Mimi.

So I ended up taking a bath to kill at least an hour (and although I'm sure you'd love to hear the details of that, I'd really rather not share).

(I'm such a tease.)

I was walking around my house wearing nothing but my black boxers when Dad walked in and asked me how my visit with Takeru had been. I told him it went great. Then he wanted to complain about his job. Most of the time I don't know what he's talking about, but if he needs someone to talk to, I'm willing to listen.

After he went to bed, I sprawled out on my bed with the cordless phone and called Mimi. Hopefully, I would catch her getting ready for school.

"Hello" Mimi answered in her singsong voice and in English.

"Hey, Mimi. Good Morning," I said with a smile.

"Yamato! Good Morning," she responded, reverting to Japanese. "How are you?"

"I'm great! How about you?" I wanted to broach the topic of my date, but I didn't want to just come right out and say it.

"I'm just fine. Eating breakfast. Getting ready for school."

"How did Ben's basketball game go?" I asked. Ben was her boyfriend.

"What?"

"Last time I talked to you, you were talking about one of his games that you were going to. Sounded important. I just wondered how it went."

"Oh, last week's game," she giggled. "We won, of course. Ben got a nice trophy—a black eye."

"I'm sure it doesn't mar his ravishing good looks," I teased.

"Not in the slightest."

"Well, I'm dating now, too," I told her, with the grin that was becoming oddly characteristic of me, "so I guess I'll be going to sports things."

"Are you really?" she squeaked. "Yamato, that's great! Who is she?"

I bit my lip. Here goes nothing. "Actually...he's a he."

She was quiet for a moment, but then she giggled. "That is too sweet!"

I nodded, immediately feeling relieved and comfortable. "I know."

"You know, I'm not especially surprised. I've read enough shounen-ai manga to see you were kinda sweet on Taichi."

I cringed a little. She could tell that?

Eh, whatever. It's not like my sexual preference isn't going to be known by everyone soon enough.

"Well, I'm not dating Taichi," I said, wanting to clear that up right away. "I'm dating Ken."

This time, the silence was a bit more profound. "The Digimon Kaizer?"

"That's him."

More silence. Then, "Did you ever say anything to Taichi, because I wouldn't doubt that he would be interested..."

Fuck, do I have to relive this again?

"He wasn't interested, Mimi," I said, a little more angry than I intended. Then I sighed. "He turned me down. Said he couldn't."

"I'm...sorry to hear that..."

"Yeah..."

"Um...So, what's the story with Ken?"

Okay, this conversation I could go with. "I met him at my concert last night. I thought he was cute, so I started talking to him. He's shy, so it was kinda hard to decide if he was interested or not, but when I walked away, he kept watching me. I pretty much figured him out from there. I was with him tonight."

"Tonight?" she repeated curiously.

"Yeah. I had Takeru pick him up on his way over here," I stopped when I heard some clattering from Mimi's end. "Are you busy?"

"No, no," she answered. "I'm putting my makeup on. Go ahead."

I nodded. "Well, I meant to just talk to Ken and get to know him, but we ended up making out in my Dad's room. Takeru caught us."

"Uh oh."

I snickered. "Yeah. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be."

"That's good. What did he do?"

I shrugged. "He was cool. Surprised, but cool."

She laughed. "Maybe he was jealous."

"Yeah, right. If anyone's going to be jealous, it's Jun...or Daisuke."

"Or Taichi."

Anything clever I might have said was lost as I gaped.

Would he...? Could he...?

"Yamato? Are you okay?"

I blinked. "Yeah...sorry. I...wasn't expecting that."

"Wasn't expecting what?"

"What you said about Tai." I wasn't trying to make Tai jealous. Was it going to look like that? Was I trying to make Tai jealous and not even realizing it? "You don't think I'm trying to make him jealous, do you?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"No!"

"Then I believe you."

I scoffed. That wasn't any help. What if I was just interested in Ken because he would give me what Tai wouldn't? Was I moving on with my life and getting over Tai, or was I pouting and settling for Ken because he was convenient?

"Well, do you love Taichi?"

"Yes." Shit, I didn't even think before I said that. God, Ken, I'm sorry. I can't help it.

"Do you love Ken?"

I opened my mouth to respond as surely as the last question, and found that I couldn't. "I...like him..." I stuttered.

"Stay with Ken, Yama," Mimi advised, and I could actually hear the smile in her voice. "I think you have a good thing with him. And I think you care for him more than you think."

I was about to question her about that, when she interrupted the thought. "I need to go. School."

Dammit, I wasn't finished talking to her. "But...what about me and Tai?"

"There's no 'you and Tai'. Stay with Ken. I've gotta go. Take care, Yamato."

I sighed. "Sure, Mimi. You too."

"Goodnight!"

"Goodnight."

Hmm.

There's no 'me and Tai'.

Stay with Ken.

But what if I end up hurting him? I'd never be able to forgive myself. I care about him too much to hurt him.

I don't want to want Taichi anymore. If Ken wants me, then I only want to want Ken.

How much would it hurt to lose Ken?

A lot. It would be like losing Taichi all over again...

Like...losing the one I loved all over again...

Maybe...maybe I do love Ken.

Sigh…

"Yamato! School!"

I woke to my dad's voice and banging on my door because I'd fallen asleep before setting my alarm. I was lying on top of my blanket instead of under it and next to me was the phone I hadn't hung up. My mouth tasted vile and my backed ached. It was a terrific way to start out the day…

Phone in hand, I stood up and raised my arms over my head, stretching the kinks out of my back and legs.

"Yamato!"

"I'm up! I'm up," I groaned. Someday I'll wake up next to Ken and the morning will start out with much more excitement.

I grinned. Mmmm, Ken.

School was uneventful. Almost no one from junior high had been at the party to notice that I'd been flirting with Ken, so for a while there'd be no rumors. If anything was going to start rumors, it would be that solemn Ishida Yamato was actually smiling for a change. Taichi noticed for sure.

"Yamato!" Taichi accused when we met for lunch, "You aren't corrupting poor, innocent Ken, are you?"

I scoffed. "Hardly." He's the former Kaizer, after all.

Besides, he has his tongue in my mouth more than I have mine in his. I wonder if he dominates in bed like that. That'd be fun.

We sat at a table with our trays. "Have you even seen each other since the party?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, he came over last night with Takeru."

Taichi blinked curiously. "...and?"

"And what?" I teased.

"Argh, you know damn well what."

"God, Tai," I laughed. "You're such a guy, wanting me to kiss and tell. If you're so interested, get a boyfriend."

He wrinkled his nose. "Very funny..."

I pierced some chicken with my fork. "Well, when all was said and done, Takeru knew everything. I don't think we're gonna be able to keep this a secret for very long."

Taichi tilted his head to the side. "Why keep it a secret?" he asked, his mouth full of food.

"I don't mind people figuring it out," I assured him, "but Ken may not be ready to face his friends with it. I don't want to force it on him."

Taichi nodded thoughtfully, a rare look for him.

He's hot when he gets that serious look. He's hot all the time. We'd have been hot together. But Ken's damn sexy, too, and with him I have a chance, so...

"You're lucky," Taichi said all of a sudden. "Sora and I aren't working out at all."

Oh...darn...what a shame... "What's wrong?"

He ran a hand through his hair and frowned. "She's always trying to get me to be considerate and stuff. To mind my manners and be courteous. I wish she'd get off my back."

I shook my head. "I told you she was going to be bad news."

"Yeah, but...I don't know...Her crest is Love, after all. I thought things would be different."

You didn't take my advice 'cause you thought I was driven by jealousy. I know.

Ah, dammit. I really do hold a grudge. Maybe I should break it off with Ken until I can get my shit together... I can't date Ken just because I feel rotten about losing Taichi.

Tai shook the worry out of his head and replaced his smile. "Sorry to bring down the mood like that. Sora's my problem, not yours."

"Why don't you just tell her?" I asked. "If you're unhappy and having problems, you should tell her. Things could still work out."

"I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't know if I'm really interested in having things work out, anyway."

"Well, don't just break up with her without talking to her. That'll hurt her worse than anyth---"

I stopped to ponder my own words. Wasn't I just thinking about doing just that to Ken a minute ago?

Hmph. Well...with me and Ken, it's different...

"Hey. You okay?" Tai asked.

I lifted my head and my eyes met Taichi's. It only took an instant for the want to seize my heart again, the want to leap over the table and kiss him. An instant and my mind was made up.

I was breaking up with Ken. He deserved better. He deserved someone who could offer his whole heart.

I picked up my tray. "Yeah, I'm fine." Whether Tai believed me or not, I was already walking away.

I hurt all over, and there was already a hole in my heart that Ken used to fill. Why couldn't I just be happy that Tai and I were still friends? Why couldn't I appreciate that for the miracle it was?

And...if suddenly Tai did like me back...I wouldn't be able to appreciate that either, because I like Ken, too...

I went back to class mad at myself. This is my own stupid fault. I should have gotten over Tai first. I thought I had.

"Ishida!"

The teacher's voice startled me into attentiveness. Everyone was looking at me. "Sorry, Sensei," I stuttered, embarrassed. He went on with his geography lesson, and I pretended to pay attention.

This is so stupid. What am I thinking?

I adore Tai. He's my best friend in the world. I don't have to give him up in order to be with Ken. I can still like Taichi, I just have to fall out of love with him. And in love with Ken.

It shouldn't be too hard, really, as much as I like Ken. It just needs time. I have to let it happen. Or make it happen.

I don't want to want Tai anymore.

I only want to want Ken, and offering what's left of my love is better than offering him none.

This day was the beginning of my week on cleanup duty, so I was forced to stay at school late. The Wolves never meet on a Monday, so I didn't have that on my mind. As things were, though, I wasn't able to get away from the school until early in the evening.

I couldn't stop thinking about Ken, and I didn't really try. I could still feel him underneath me, assuring me that I was no longer alone. The memory was fragile, so fragile, and I had almost convinced myself to give him up.

But I couldn't give him up. My doubts hadn't made me want him less. They'd made me want him more.

I kept trying to devise ways for Ken and I to get together, since he had suggested that his mother was going to be a difficulty. I decided that it could turn out to be a good thing that Takeru knew about us. I had no doubts that Takeru would be helpful if we needed him to help us with an excuse to get Ken away from home.

Takeru was just the person I needed to talk to, so I was startled by the convenience of him waiting for me outside the school as I finished my shift.

I would find out pretty quick that he wasn't carrying news I wanted to hear.

He was leaning against school gate, but then stood straight as he saw me approach. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he wasn't wearing his hat. His whole demeanor was somber in the orange light of sunset. I could tell right away that what he needed to say wasn't good.

"What's up?" I asked.

He sighed and looked straight at me. He looked really worried.

"Takeru? What?"

"Ken said…that he doesn't want to see you anymore…"

I gritted my teeth and my chest tightened with doubt and hurt.

Why?

"…I don't…I don't think that he means it, though." Takeru continued. "I think he wants to…it was the way he said it…like he wants to, but shouldn't."

No, Ken. Please, no, don't do this. Don't leave me.

Takeru took his hands out of his pockets. "He doesn't mean it, Yamato. I know he doesn't, and you can't let him convince you that he does. You two care about each other way too much."

I dropped my gaze and looked down at the ground so that I could think. How could this have happened. What had changed?

Something must have happened when he got home.

Ken's mother…

This was all her fault!

I didn't even notice when hurt changed to anger, and doubt to determination. I had to stop him. I had to do something. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

I can't lose him. I can't!

"Yamato?"

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, catching my breath. "I'm okay," I assured him. Then I faced him, letting him see the determination in my eyes. "I'm not going to let him go like this. Not like this."

Apparently convinced and satisfied, Takeru let me head home. The initial hurt that I had felt was totally gone.

I was furious.

Furious at Ken's mother for being so intolerant, so ignorant. Furious at Ken for letting her get away with it. Furious at myself for getting us into this mess in the first place.

Furious. Furious.

I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't care so much.

Why couldn't something turn out right for once?

I choked back tears.

Just once...

Needing to let go of some of the frustration, I began to run. My breath pounded in my ears and my chest and legs ached. People yelled at me as I rushed passed them, but I ignored them.

Don't leave me, Ken. Please, don't leave me.

Don't let her take you away from me.

I raced into the apartment building and pushed myself into a crowded elevator. They didn't complain. My face was red with tears and frustration and windburn.

In the silence of the elevator, fury began to fade and hurt returned. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I can't lose him.

When we arrived on my floor, everyone moved out of my way so that I could get out. I walked stiff-backed with my fists at my sides, trying to maintain my composure, and hoping that Dad wouldn't be home.

When I reached my door, I checked the knob. It was locked. Dad wasn't home.

I unlocked the door and went inside. It felt hollow and lonely. I wanted so badly not to be alone.

My hands were wet with tears and sweat. After closing the door behind me, I wiped them on the front of my shirt.

To my right was the phone. I stared at it through the thickening darkness for a moment before picking it up and dialing Ken's number. The loud beeping of the numbers only irritated my dark mood.

The phone rang only twice before someone picked it up.

"Hello?"

It was him.

Tears streamed down my face as I hesitated. "Ken?" I ventured quietly.

At first, there was nothing. I could only hear him breathe.

Then, "I'm not supposed to talk to you," he said coldly.

Says who? I wanted to shout. But I already knew the answer.

"Is your mom there?" I asked. Is that why his voice is so heartless?

Again, silence, but only for a moment. His voice faltered "….yes."

"I can tell you're lying, Ken...!" I cried. I sank to my knees and cried, holding the phone to my ear with both of my hands, my hair dripping.

Why? Why is he doing this? Why does it have to be like this?

How can he just stand there and listen to me and say nothing?

I took a deep breath and spoke quietly into the phone, somehow feeling his presence right there in the room with me, very comforting despite the distance. "Takeru told me…" I only got that far before I had to catch my breath again, as the memory of hurt came rushing back.

You see, Ken? Only love can hurt this much.

"I'm.... not supposed to talk to you..." he repeated, only this time his voice was broken by recognizable emotion.

I was losing him.

Fear became desperation.

"Ken, don't let that bitch break us up!" I screamed. "I love you!"

The stark silence that followed was decidedly different from the silence between us before.

"Ken?" I said, refusing to believe. "Ken?"

He had hung the phone.

He was gone.

I gritted my teeth.

No.

I redialed, though I knew he wouldn't answer.

I sat, kneeling in the darkness, listening to the ring for what seemed like ages. I knew he was listening to it, letting it ring, hearing me begging. Begging.

I didn't blame Ken. He never wanted any of this to happen. It isn't his fault.

I listened to the persistent ringing, knowing that he wasn't doing anything to make the ringing on his end stop, hoping that I was getting my message across--a reminder that I cared and that I was trying.

I love you. I'm not going to leave you.

I love you.

Abruptly, I hung up the phone, feeling the distance from him immediately.

I love you, and I want to be with you. And I won't let you let her interfere with that.

I'm not going to leave you.

I'm coming…

It was expensive and actually kind of dangerous for me to head towards Ken's part of town so late in the evening…

But I have to see him. I have to try.

I have to tell him I love him.

I had hoped that Ken would answer his door so that I could drag him away and kiss some sense into him, but instead his mother answered the door.

She didn't know who I was at first, but she was clearly suspicious. She kept one hand on the doorknob. "Can I help you?" she asked in a less than friendly tone.

"I'm here to see Ken," I said loudly and frankly.

Her eyes widened in disbelief. "You!!" she snapped. She pointed into the hallway. "Get out of here, right now!!"

I refused to budge, torn between standing determined or backing off to come up with another plan. As I stood there, I heard shuffling in the apartment and then Ken appeared behind her.

His face and eyes were red. He looked shocked and tired. But that's all that I could read.

"Ken! I have to talk to you," I begged. But it was too late. The door between us slammed shut and I heard the click of the lock. I took a few steps back and let my back thump against the wall just across from the door, wondering what else I could possibly do.

My heart pounded in my throat, exhausted by all the ups and downs it had been through today.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the wall. "I'm trying," I whispered, as if he were there to hear.

I took the elevator back down to the street.

The sun was fully set, though the streetlights lit the city from the pavement to the roofs with a yellow-blue glow. Traffic was still fierce and hundreds of people were still on the streets. And it was cold. All the world was crowded, but I was alone.

I wouldn't have felt so bad if I had only known whether or not he'd heard me tell him I love him over the phone before he hung up. I wanted him to know.

I wanted him to know…

"Yama!"

I spun around and looked up.

Ken was leaning out of his window, his black hair fluttering in the cold breeze. He was smiling softly.

"I love you," he yelled.

I was so overcome with relief my knees almost gave. My heart pounded.

He knew.

Whether he had head me over the phone or not didn't matter. I could tell he knew.

He loves me. He wants me. It's hard, but he's holding on.

And he's holding me. I'm safe. I'm not alone.

…and I don't want Tai anymore…

A grin spread across my face.

"We can make it through this!" I yelled up to Ken with all my heart. He leaned on the windowsill and smiled down at me.

Ken…

With all my heart.

We can make this work.

Together.

-to be continued-