standing on the edge of 50 chance.
by sokudo ningyou
notes at the end.

Hajimemashite. My name is Aino Minako, and I'm an addict. I say this to myself, for myself; because no one else can know. In the silence of my mind, I can explain myself, to myself.

An addiction is devious in its methods, creeping up on you slowly. In my case, all it took were the simplest of words – "Moon Power, Transform!" – to begin the process. An amazing power, that made me feel as if I could do anything I wanted, anything I dreamed, and nothing to stop me.

Then, I died. I was reborn, clear-headed and happy to be alive – but I didn't understand why I was so madly cheerful, so constantly looking around with new eyes. Pieces of memory came back, of a mad laughter, and golden light. The sudden rush of euphoria before –

When I was given my memories back, I came home to a quiet house. Mama was gone, papa at work; Artemis did all of the talking. Reminding me of the mission, of protecting the princess and fighting this 'new evil' that had arrived, despite the fact that Beryl and Metallia's death should have released us from the obligation.

But I didn't care about that. All I could remember was that crystal-clear moment of realization before the magic hit; of a pleasure so great, I wanted to cry in its wake. The joy of those last seconds of life before I died, something I had not expected to do. I was supposed to live forever, ne? A sailor soldier, if not a young girl; none of us expected to die out there.

And yet, the actual moment had been…

Ami-chan told me later, when I asked her, "for help with my homework," that the body can release incredible amounts of adrenaline under duress – I had to look it up – to a point of almost drunken happiness. It gave the strength to old grandmothers to lift cars off their grandchildren; it kept people on their feet long after they should have collapsed. Fear was also a motivator.

Maybe it had been fear, that first time. It had been scary, knowing that in seconds, everything that was Aino Minako would cease to exist. And I couldn't come back, not as Aino Minako. After all, had Venus come back as Venus? Iie, not entirely. Not in the ways it counted.

But, I forgot about it, and continued to live. To call upon the power and fight, facing each terrible enemy and planning on survival. The Black Moon had been easy enough, with the magic of the future and past Ginzuishou to stop the Death Phantom. All we had to do was watch, and pray to the kami and all their shades that Usagi-chan, Chibi-Usa-chan, would live.

They did, of course.

Then, Master Pharoah 90 and his Mistress 9 unleashed their power, and I stood at that edge again; the possibility of death. Watching the black, hellish energy that was Master Pharaoh 90's portal to Earth, swung around like a doll in its wake, and seeing Sailor Moon unable to stop it, I felt that rush, that heart-fluttering euphoria – also a word I had to look up – that I could die. Giving my power to Sailor Moon, I expected to, even though she would save the world.

I didn't, of course.

So I continued on, now unsure. I thought something was wrong with me, that I dwelled so miserably on that moment of what had been, to me, pure joy. And why not? What had my life been until that point? Silliness, a bit of popularity for being the crazy girl in class, willing to do anything for attention – and then a talking cat and a magical power, forced to put my life on the line almost every night, nonstop. In half a year's time, everything had changed. All my friends deserted me, deciding I was a snob because I had to make excuses after class; when I was chosen as the model for Sailor V, they talked behind my back.

I fought, and I bled, and I cried, all alone. Even though the others eventually awoke, even though I now had friends who understood me, I still had to pretend, to act different. I was relieved to let go, when Usagi revealed herself as the princess; but the last moment of true release I had was in that moment before death. Pure freedom. Happiness.

I began to hope for it.

Watching these enemies, I feel impatient, wanting to get to the end, quickly. And that was the miracle, wasn't it? No matter what, Usagi survived; she alone could bring us back, again and again. I didn't have to worry about the fatal darkness being permanent. The thought of dying gave me a reason to smile.

Nehalennia didn't give me that, even after her return and the cold prison of her mirrors. Again, I had to smile, despite my disappointment. No break in the chain; still, without a moment's pause, I had to go on. It was as if summer vacation had been denied me, and I was never going to stop waking up early for class. What else could I do?

And then, Galaxia arrived.

Sailor…Galaxia.

The robber of star seeds. The glittering golden queen of a thousand fallen worlds. Her power scorched the sky, and made me fearful again. Looking up at that face, I saw doom in her eyes; she thought of us all as nothing more than seeds to be stolen.

In her throne room, I watched her carefully, thinking she meant Eternal Sailor Moon harm. When she blasted us away from the Starlights, I was ready to get up and run, to throw myself in front of our princess; to meet my death head on. But I didn't get the chance, and as those bolts of golden light ripped through my heart, I couldn't breath – it couldn't compare with the first time. Unexpected, it had taken me by surprise; at Galaxia's hand, I had been simply unready.

And of course, the miracle occurred again.

Now, I watch the windows often with an expectant eye. Hoping to catch a glimpse of an evil being, another enemy, who will give me what I need. A payment for my loyal servitude is all I ask; death, and resurrection, is hardly beyond my princess's loving heart. That rush of adrenaline and release that nothing else can give me, the heart-stopping pleasure I crave.

My name is Aino Minako, and I am an addict.

Fin.

Notes -

This is all Ash's fault. She wanted a Minako fic, so here's a Minako fic. All blatant emotional trauma is mine, and I revel in it.