Kleine Weiss Kreuz, Episodes 1 - 8
Condensed by laila

Disclaimers: Come on Kyoko Tsuchiya, Koyasu Takehito, Project Weiss and Movic.... you surely can't be interested in little old me's stupid little parody fanfictions can you? Can you? When I'm only writing for fun and don't intend to make any money off this at all, and I just want to enjoy myself and reach out to fans with the same strange sene of humor as me? And when I'm doing this only because I love the show so much? Can you?

Author's notes: If you can't find your fansubs, can't afford or can't play DVDs, want to find out what the hell that irritating fangirl friend of yours is going on about or simply haven't the time or patience to watch Weiss Kreuz Kapitel, then this fic is for you! All 24 episodes of the original series of Weiss Kreuz presented in easy-to-swallow digest form! Cover an entire twelve-hour TV series in under twelve minutes and impress your irritating fangirl friends! Yes, okay, this is pretty stupid, but it made me laugh so with any luck it might well make some other fangirls/boys giggle as well. Please note the esteemed author is a massive Ken fan. Therefore, he's probably going to show up a bit more than the other guys even when there's no real reason to. But seriously, I'm not recommending this as a substitute for watching Weiss Kreuz. This isn't going to be that funny unless you're already au fait with the series and characters, I can tell. If you haven't seen it then I would recommend that you really don't read this fic, largely because it's packed to the brim with spoilers - go watch the series instead. It's cool. I love it. And it has Ken in, which always helps.

Mission 1: Lockvogel

AYA, YOUJI, KEN AND OMI SELL LOTS OF FLOWERS AND ARE GENERALLY REALLY CUTE.

OMI
We're cute florists!

MICHIRU
I am sad because my boyfriend died when a car fell on his head.

AKIHIKO
Why don't you look at this weird disk you picked up for no reason? I'm not evil at all, honest.

MICHIRU GETS A MYSTERIOUS LETTER. SHE IS SCARED.

YOUJI
Oh I wrote that. Ken you're a total fucking flake.

KEN
Bite me.

SUDDENLY THE LIGHTS GO OUT! AKIHIKO AND HIS GANG OF SLIPKNOT WANNABES ATTACK MICHIRU.

AKIHIKO
Haha, I tricked you Michiru. I am evil and killed your boyfriend. Now you will die!

MICHIRU ESCAPES. YOUJI, KEN AND OMI KILL A SLIPKNOT WANNABE EACH.

AYA
We're also scary assassins. Die, Akihiko!

AYA KILLS AKIHIKO.

Mission 2: Fort Laufen

YOUJI
I'm not doing this mission because there are no cute girls. Bye.

JUN DIES.

AYA
Damn I'm cool and scary. See me kill all these guys with this bit of pipe?

OMI
Hey Hikage, I've turned all the lights off! Come out so I can kill you!

OMI KILLS THE WRONG PERSON.

HIKAGE
Haha, fooled you! I'm secretly a lady. Takatori, let me kiss your butt.

TAKATORI
I am an evil politician. Vote for me!

AYA KILLS HIKAGE THEN SEES TAKATORI. HE GOES POSTAL AND YELLS A LOT.

AYA
Die Takatori!

CRAWFORD IS COOL AND TAKATORI ESCAPES. AYA IS REALLY ANGRY.

KEN
Does anyone else think it's weird that I'm telling Aya to cool it?

Mission 3: Paradies

YOUJI
What, this mission involves lots of prostitutes? Cute women! I'm in there!

KEN
Of course you are Youji.

MAKI
Help, save me!

YOUJI SAVES HER. THEY ESCAPE BUT HE GETS INJURED AND PASSES OUT.

YOUJI AND MAKI ARE CUTE.

YOUJI
Oh, you remind me of Asuka.

MAKI
What happened to Asuka?

YOUJI
She got shot running away from Riot and died.

MAKI IS SHOT IN RIDICULOUSLY SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES TO ASUKA, AND IN ABOUT THE SAME PLACE.

YOUJI
Shit! I must rescue Maki!

MAKI IS KILLED.

YOUJI
I should have seen that coming.

Mission 4: Verrat

CREEPERS GLEEFULLY SHOOT UP AN ENTIRE WEDDING PARTY TO KILL ONE GUY. IT IS COOL.

PERSIA
Kase is evil. Kill him!

KEN
What? Kase is not evil.

AYA
Persia wants him dead. He must be evil.

KEN
Shut up Aya.

KASE'S EVIL BOSS VANISHES OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

MANX
Ken, Kase really is evil.

KEN
No he isn't! Hey Kase, you're not evil are you?

KASE
Actually I am evil and I hate you.

KASE POISONS HIS EVIL BOSS FOR THE SHEER HELL OF IT THEN SHOOTS KEN FOUR GODDAMN TIMES.

KEN
Okay, maybe Kase is evil.

KEN KILLS KASE.

Mission 5: Schicksal

YURIKO DRINKS LOTS OF FOUL-TASTING MINERAL WATER.

YURIKO
I am cute and really like Ken.

KEN
You do what?

KEN AND YURIKO ARE CUTE.

YURIKO
Ken, will you emigrate to Australia with me? Please, please, please?

KEN
Um…

YURIKO DRINKS LOTS OF FOUL-TASTING MINERAL WATER. OTHER PEOPLE DRINK THE WATER AND DIE.

YOUJI
You can't date Yuriko because you kill people. Yes I know it never stopped me but you're different.

KEN
Fuck you Youji, I'm quitting because I love Yuriko.

PERSIA
This guy makes poisoned mineral water. Kill him!

KEN KILLS THE GUY WHO MAKES POISONED MINERAL WATER AND ANGSTS ABOUT IT.

KEN
Okay, so I can't quit.

Mission 6: Fräulein

SAKURA
I am small and cute and have only one kidney. Give me my kidney back, Youko!

AYA
Sakura looks really like Aya.

LOTS OF REPORTERS CHASE SAKURA. AYA IS COOL AND SAVES HER. SAKURA IS SAD AND FALLS OVER.

YOUJI BICKERS WITH KEN OVER A PAIR OF BINOCULARS.

YOUJI
Aya, dating underage girls will get you arrested.

EVEN MORE REPORTERS CHASE SAKURA. MEANWHILE, YOUKO IS EVIL.

YOUKO
I'm not evil! I'm a doctor! I want the rest of Sakura's organs too.

SAKURA
Let's have ice cream Aya-san!

SAKURA IS ABDUCTED AND STRIPPED NAKED. AYA SAVES HER AGAIN.

YOUKO
I will escape from Aya by chartering this 747. Ha ha ha, I'm so clever!

AYA
No you're not. I'm so clever.

YOUKO DIES.

Mission 7: Entfüren

SHOUTA IS ABDUCTED. HE IS CHASED AND RUNS AWAY. OMI RESCUES HIM.

OMI
Oh! This incident with Shouta has triggered my repressed trauma about being kidnapped as a child!

YOUJI AND KEN ARE FUNNY AND ALSO RATHER CUTE. OMI ANGSTS A LOT.

MASAFUMI
I am an evil scientist. Look at these scary bitches who are my bodyguards.

TAKATORI
I am more evil and my bodyguards are scarier than yours. Nyah!

MASAFUMI
Ah yes, but I have some equally scary kidnappers working for me. See?

SHOUTA IS ABDUCTED AGAIN.

OMI
My dad never paid my ransom! I'm really angsty! I know, I'll rescue Shouta. That'll calm me down.

WEISS EXPLORE NINE SQUILLION REPAIR GARAGES. YOUJI IS A FLIRT AND KEN IS SHORT-TEMPERED.

YOUJI
I am a flirt. Date me, garage office lady type.

KEN
Can't you give it up for five seconds?!

OMI RESCUES SHOUTA AGAIN AND THE KIDNAPPERS DIE.

Mission 8: Raubtier

PERSIA
Masafumi is turning people into monsters. Kill him!

SAYAKA MEETS TETSUYA. HE IS ACTING REALLY WEIRD.

TETSUYA
Sayaka, what would you do if I grew loads of hair and turned into a monster?

SAYAKA
You mean would it bother me aesthetically?

TETSUYA STARTS TO MUTATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AND RUNS AWAY IN A PANIC.

OUKA HENPECKS OMI AND IS CUTE.

OUKA
I am cute and pushy. Sayaka's boyfriend is turning into a monster. Omi do guys worry about that?

OMI
Not really, Ouka-san…

THE BOYS VISIT TETSUYA. HE HAS TURNED INTO A MONSTER AND IS REALLY STRONG.

KEN
Oh, he's turned into a really strong monster.

TETSUYA
Shut up, you! I may be a nine foot tall sasquatch but I'm human!

SCHREIENT KILL TETSUYA.