The Heart's Refusal to Believe
Author's Note: Huge thanks to two great Beta Readers, TZMaverick and NG!!
Disclaimer: I don't own SG-1 and I'm definitely not making any money off of this. It's just something fun to do while I wait for the writers to finally realize Jack and Sam really do deserve a happy ending.:)
Tissue warning.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill sat behind his desk and ran a hand through his short gray hair in exhaustion. He glanced at his watch and moaned at the early morning hour. It was 0200 and he had just finished the last of the paper work in his in-box. It wasn't a pressing deadline that had him in his office at such an early hour. He always made an excuse to stay on base when SG-1 was off world; however, this time it was a little different. It wasn't that he didn't trust them; the problem was he just had a nagging feeling something was wrong.
SG-1 was scheduled to return the following day after a four-day mission and Jack felt helpless having to remain behind, waiting for their return. He was fighting the urge to contact them. He was struggling between the need to ease his fears and his need to let SG-1 develop the new dynamics of the team without him interfering. If he continued to call and interfere during their missions, then Carter would begin to doubt her abilities as team leader. That was the last thing he wanted.
Jack was just calling it a night when the klaxons sounded; announcing unscheduled off-world activation. Jack rushed into the Control Center as Sgt. Harriman announced. "It's SG-1, Sir."
A sick feeling washed over Jack as he ordered, "Open the iris, Sergeant" as he ran down the stairs toward the Gateroom.
The three members of SG-1 walked through the gate soaked from head to toe. Their faces flushed and a look of genuine relief showed in each member's eyes. Jack entered the Gateroom as they stepped off the ramp and was relieved that they were in one piece.
"Sir? What are you doing here?" Colonel Carter looked down at her watch, dripping water from her rain gear onto the concrete floor. "It's 0215 here isn't it, Sir?"
Jack felt guilty for getting caught on base, but covered quickly, "You know Carter this new job has ten times more paper work than my last job. I have to sign off on everything from what type of soap we use to which world we're are going to explore next." He said with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.
She smiled at him. "You mean you actually have to do your paper work with this job … Sir?"
"Funny, Carter. Funny. So why are you 28 hours early?"
"Weather, Sir."
"It was most unpleasant, O'Neill."
"Teal'c's right. It started pouring down rain and then started sleeting. When the winds picked up to 40-50 mph, the sleet began to feel more like needle pricks." Daniel added trying to find something dry enough to wipe off his glasses.
"We had concluded our researcher earlier today, Sir and we were going to spend tomorrow rechecking the data. I made a decision that we could do that equally as well here where it's warm and dry, Sir."
"Good idea, Colonel. Why don't you head to the infirmary and dry off. We'll debrief at 1100 hours. Glad to have you back SG-1." Jack was relieved that the only problem reported was weather.
Sam gave him a warm smile and squeezed his arm lightly to express her gratitude as she walked passed, "Thank you, Sir." She knew he never left base while they were off-world. At first she was annoyed, because she thought he didn't trust her. Eventually Daniel and Teal'c pointed out that he was probably more concerned, since he missed the action and felt helpless to stop any danger they might run across. At the end she put herself in his shoes and decided that she would not have left the base either. She knew he was a man of action and waiting was not his strong suit. His concern for them warmed her heart.
Jack watched as the members of SG-1, his family, left for the infirmary. He was not exactly sure what she meant, but he had a strong feeling that he had been found out. 'This could be interesting', he thought with a smirk.
Little did he know that that would be the last time he saw her.
Later Daniel, Teal'c, and Sam had just finished with their post mission physicals and were heading to their locker rooms. They all agreed to stay on base since it was very late and each said their tired goodbyes, promising to meet for breakfast a little later in the morning.
Unbeknownst to the team, Sam would not be able to make that meeting.
Jack was woken up in his quarters by an urgent knock on his door. A glance at his watch told him that it was 0800. He put his head back on the pillow just as the knocking began to get louder. Annoyed Jack got up and answered the door. "What!"
"Sorry, Sir. There is an urgent call for you from the Colorado Police Department."
"What? Well what do they want?" Jack said with less sarcasm this time.
"I don't know, Sir. Apparently there has been some kind of accident involving a member of this facility."
Jack's blood suddenly ran cold. He rushed to his office to talk to the Officer. Picking up the phone he stated, "General O'Neill."
"Sir. There has been a terrible accident involving one of your soldiers."
"How bad is it?"
"I'm sorry, Sir. The soldier was pronounced dead at the scene. Her fiancé identified the body as a member of the Air Force stationed at Cheyenne Mountain. I thought we should inform you …"
'Her' Jack thought. There was a limited amount of female personnel on base. Even fewer who were engaged. Nausea washed over him at the possibility.
"Who…" Jack's voice caught in his throat. He cleared his throat and tried again "Who is it?"
"She was identified as Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter …."
Jack didn't hear anything else the Officer said. He fell in his chair fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill over. His world was crashing in around him. As the officer droned on, Jack let the tears fell freely in the privacy of his office. 'No, no, no! She can't be dead!' He was fighting for control, struggling to stop the grief from consuming him.
"… someone will contact you once the funeral has been set," the Officer's words broke through his numbness after a while.
There was silence as the man stopped talking. Jack noticed he was still holding the phone in his hand and that the Officer was waiting for him to make some sort of reply. Jack managed to regain enough composure to roughly thank the Officer and hang up.
'Funeral.' The word echoed through Jack's mind. 'Carter's Funeral. No! Not her! Anyone but her! Why!' Jack was overcome with grief and his mind could not process the information. 'Maybe there was a mistake.' He snatched up the phone and called top side to see if Carter had checked out. To his horror he was informed that she left the base at 0410. Jack thanked the guard and hung up with a shattered heart. He sat in his office trying to distance himself from the pain. He had to get control, because as Commander of this base, he had the most difficult job he would ever have to do. He had to inform everyone of her death and to help them cope with a loss he knew he would personally never get over. He dried his eyes and began to make mental notes of what he needed to do.
Daniel and Teal'c became concerned when Sam didn't meet them for breakfast. They were just about to go and check her lab when they were paged to report to General O'Neill's Office.
After a couple of minutes as they both walked into the General's office they immediately stopped in their tracks when they saw Jack's face. Daniel wasn't sure, but it looked like he had been crying. Jack's eyes were dark and he looked much older than either of them had ever seen him.
Teal'c prepared himself for the unsettling news he could sense that O'Neill was about to give them. He was also greatly troubled by his friend's appearance.
"Hey guys, please sit down." Jack said, sounding defeated.
"What's wrong Jack?" Daniel asked, very concerned.
"There is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. There has been car accident sometime this morning. I don't know all the details, but …" Jack was stalling; he didn't want to tell them the devastating news. In his subconscious he was hoping that by stalling someone would call and say there was a mix up and that Carter was really okay.
"O'Neill." Teal'c broke through Jack's chain of thought.
"Sorry." He looked up at each of them and quietly said, "Carter … Sam was killed in a car accident this morning." Fresh tears fell from Jack's eyes as he watched the shock and despair wash across their faces. None of them spoke, each trying to come to grips with this nightmare.
"NO! She can't be dead!" Daniel shouted getting up from his chair. "There has to be a mistake. She was going to meet us this morning for breakfast," Daniel's grief raged on.
Jack and Teal'c watched as Daniel's mind fought for understanding that yet another member of his family was gone. After a while Daniel finally collapsed back in his chair, crying with his face in his hands. "No, she can't be Jack. Not her too." Teal'c reached over and put his hand on Daniel's shoulder to offer comfort.
Teal'c too was greatly troubled by Colonel Carter's tragic passing. He knew there were no words that would offer comfort to Daniel Jackson or O'Neill. Therefore, he remained quite and shared in their grief.
For a long time all three men sat in Jack's office grieving. Their hearts were broken. They each recalled the last time they saw her and felt the sting that her death provided.
The mood at the SGC was solemn as news about Sam's death spread quickly. She worked with many of the technicians, other scientists and soldiers; therefore her death had touched just about everyone on base. However, they all knew the pain they felt as acquaintances was nothing compared to the horror that SG-1 and the base CO was probably feeling. Most of the personnel on base were going out of their way to help SG-1 and General O'Neill in any way they could, allowing them to grieve and arranging for Sam's memorial service to take place on base in a couple of days.
Jack painfully informed General Hammond and the President about Carter's tragic death and left a message for the Tok'ra that Jacob was needed on Earth as soon as possible. He also called Mark who had already been informed by Pete about his sister's death.
Later on he placed a call to the local hospital to have her body released to Dr. Brightman, the new SGC doctor, for the autopsy. Since her DNA was slightly different thanks to the protein marker left behind by Jolinar, she was still a high security risk as the Joint Chiefs were quick in informing him.
The hospital spokesman, however, stated that they had completed her autopsy and subsequently released her body to the funeral home.
"Why the rush on her autopsy?"
"We were being pressured by the Police Department to determine cause of death quickly."
"Did they suspect foul play?" Jack asked.
"No, I don't think so. Apparently her fiancé works with the Police Department and he wanted her body released to him as soon as we could."
"That's unusual."
"Yeah. We all do strange things when we are grieving."
"Yeah. I guess. I will need the reports of her autopsy. I will send someone over to pick them up." Jack realized that he would have to come up with a cover story for the protein marker.
"It'll be at the front desk waiting for you."
"Thank you." Jack said as he hung up.
Jack called the Funeral Home to see when arrangements could be made. They informed him the funeral had already been scheduled, but was closed to the public. Jack explained he was a very close friend to the victim. The funeral director apologized saying that he would have to contact Pete Shanahan for details of her funeral.
Jack was enraged. She had just died and her funeral was already set. Add to that the fact that Pete was dictating who could say goodbye to her was just about too much for him to take. He called Pete and left a message at his house, office, and cell phone. Daniel and Teal'c had done the same, but none of them had heard from him.
Jack had wandered around the base mindlessly after dinner. He had let everyone go home to spend time with their families, except for the essential crew that was needed to keep the base protected and operational.
He wasn't surprised when he ended up outside Carter's lab. The door was closed and the lights were turned off. He unlocked the door and stepped into her dark lab. He saw small lights blinking on the different experiments she had still running. Her laptop was closed as if she had just left for the night, or so he could pretend. The lights from the corridor illuminated over her desk.
He pulled out her chair and sat down looking at the pile of paper work she had in her in-box. There was a journal open with her hand-writing. The lights from the corridor allowed him to read it. It was journal she was keeping for one of her experiments. He didn't understand the majority of what she wrote, but that really wasn't why he was reading it. Her words were all he had left now … her hand-writing … her memory.
Jack was suddenly blinded as someone turned on the lights. He shielded his eyes from the bright lights.
"Hey Jack." Daniel said as he walked into her lab.
Jack looked up once his eyes had adjusted, but didn't say anything. Daniel noticed the tears in Jack's eyes as he looked around Sam's lab. "It's almost like she's still here."
"Yeah. I got that feeling too. How are you holding up Daniel?"
"I … I don't think it has really set in yet. I keep expecting her to walk in my lab or meet us in the commissary. I guess that's why I showed up here. I half expected her to be sitting there instead of you."
"I know what you mean."
For a long time the two men sat in silence in Sam's lab looking around at all her journals and doohickeys pretending just for a little while that she wasn't really gone. After a while they both decided, they needed to call it a night.
"Goodnight Jack." Daniel said as he left Sam's lab with his head bent down and shoulders slumped.
"Night Daniel." Jack turned off the lights and closed the door. His hand stayed on the door just a little while longer as he heard the click of the lock. He closed his eyes as the reality of the day's events threatened to overwhelm him. He took a long slow breath to calm his inner turmoil, before putting the military face back on and heading towards his quarters.
Early the next morning Daniel received a call from Mark Carter. He explained that Sam's funeral was to be that day at 11:00 am and apologized that no one has called them about it before. He also stated that they were only having a graveside service for family and that the casket would be closed due to her accident.
Jack was shocked when he found out Sam's funeral was going to be a little over twenty-four hours from the time that she died. His instincts were once again telling him that something wasn't right.
Jack, Teal'c, and Daniel picked up Cassie and General Hammond at the airport on their way to the funeral. Luckily Cassie and General Hammond had been able to get an earlier flight when they found out when the funeral was planned. They all rode over in silence to the funeral in Jack's SUV. They were in shock, things were happening so quickly that none of them had had time to think everything through.
They arrived at the cemetery and stood behind the chairs set out for Mark, his wife and kids and Pete. The sky was gray and it threatened to rain. Jack thought it was only fitting that the heavens mirrored their grief.
The mismatched family of Sam Carter was the only ones in attendance to this somber occasion. It somehow did not seem appropriate for someone that had touched so many lives.
Jack, dressed sharply in his dress blues, stood with his arm over Cassie's shoulders. Emptiness filled his heart as he looked at Carter's coffin covered by the flag in which she served under for countless years. He didn't hear the Preacher; the darkness that once claimed him when Charlie died was threatening to overtake him again. She was the one that brought him out of that despair eight years ago and he wasn't sure how his heart was going to heal after this. Tears fell from his eyes before he could stop them. He squeezed Cassie's shoulder a little harder, as much to comfort himself as it was to comfort her.
Cassie was leaning against Jack and holding Daniel's hand. She continued to mourn Sam's death with quite sobs. It felt as if she had just buried her mom and now Sam. The grief was almost too much to handle. She stayed with Sam for several months before going away to college. Sam had helped her the most in dealing with her mom's death. She had always looked up to Sam. She was the first person she reached out to when her world was destroyed so many years earlier. Sam had made her a promise then that she would never leave her … and now she had broken that promise. Cassie continued to sob standing at the grave of the last mother figure in her life.
Daniel noticed how another round of sobs escaped from Cassie. His heart went out to her. He wasn't ashamed of the tears that fell freely from his eyes as he stared at Sam's coffin. He had been to too many funerals in his lifetime. Sam was the closest thing he had to a sister and a best friend. He still couldn't believe that she was gone. If he had known he would never see her again he would have hugged her one last time; better yet he would not have allowed her to drive so early that morning, especially after a hard mission. He would gladly trade places with her if he could, but that plea had never worked for any of his loved ones in the past. He knew Sam would want him to help Cassie and Jack to deal with her death, and maybe that would help him to cope as well.
General Hammond stood next to Daniel in his dress blues. He could not believe that he was standing at yet another fallen soldier's grave. This one was even harder to bear … this soldier was also his goddaughter. How many times had she been at death's door fighting the Goa'uld only to die now in a car accident. That was what made this so much more tragic. She was on Earth where she was supposed to be safe! How was he going to explain this to Jacob? He was going to be devastated, just like everyone else here. He squeezed Mark's shoulder, who was seated in front of him, to offer support for he was now the only godchild he had left.
Teal'c stood at attention out of respect for his fallen friend, behind Pete. He watched over the ceremony, his heart saddened. Colonel Carter was a great warrior that he had gladly served under and greatly respected. Although he knew that the unforeseen events that had claimed her life could not have been prevented he still felt like he had failed her since he had pledged to protect her at all times. If he had known she had reconsidered returning to her place of residence he would surely have insisted on accompanying her.
The funeral came to a close with a 21-gun salute. The Honor Guard folded the flag that was draped over her coffin and handed it to Mark Carter, much to Jack's relief. They all gathered to say their goodbyes to Mark and his family. General Hammond explained that they had not been able to contact Jacob. Mark assured them that he would return when his father arrived to have another private funeral so that their father could attend. He turned to the members of Sam's team. He could tell they were taking this just has hard as he and his family was.
"She loved and respected each one of you. She would often talk about you when she came for a visit. She never actually told me much about what she did, only about the people she loved to work with. I'm glad you could make it."
"Thank you. Sam meant a great deal to all of us. We feel like we're all a part of her family." Daniel said shaking Mark's hand.
"Indeed. I feel honored having served with Colonel Carter. She was a great leader and respected by all. My heart is saddened at her passing." Teal'c said as he bowed his head.
"Thank you for letting us know when her funeral was scheduled. We are all going to miss her very much." Jack said sadly looking past Mark to where Carter now rested.
Mark noticed the sadness in the man's eyes and knew this was her Commanding Officer she had talked so much about. He had always wondered if there was something going on between them and now looking at the broken man before him he knew that he must have cared for her greatly. Maybe that was why Pete did not want to call them. Mark had looked up the number himself and called, because his sister would have insisted on them being there. He turned to find Pete, but his sister's fiancé had already gotten in his car and was leaving without saying a word to anyone.
Jack, Teal'c, Daniel, General Hammond, and Cassie all returned to the SGC where they continued to plan a memorial service on base for all of the SGC to attend. They entered Jack's office when he noticed the envelope from the hospital in his in-box. He asked Daniel to take Cassie to the commissary to get something to eat. Daniel had also seen the package on Jack's desk and understood.
Jack ripped open the envelope and began to read their report. He began to flip through the pages and then closed the file. "This doesn't make since." His said confused. He handed the folder to General Hammond.
"What is it O'Neill?"
"This could be anyone's autopsy. There is no mention of blood type, not to mention the protein marker, which I'm sure they would have found. The only thing listed is how this person died and a physical description. The personal effects are listed: keys, license, credit cards, air force uniform, and shoes. There are a couple of items missing."
"Colonel Carter's watch and dog tags are not among the items listed, O'Neill. That is most unusual. She would not have gone anywhere without them."
"No, she wouldn't Teal'c. Her cell phone is also not listed. Come on Teal'c we're going to look through her locker to see if she left them here."
The two men entered the women's locker room after making sure no one was there. They felt like they were invading her privacy, but they had to be sure. Her phone, watch, and dog tags were all missing from her locker after checking.
When they returned to Jack's office, General Hammond had finished reading the report.
"Well General Hammond, what do you think?"
"I agree that this is an incomplete autopsy. However, the physical description does match Colonel Carter's. It could be a simple clerical error." General Hammond didn't want to get Jack's hopes up because of a mistake that the Hospital made.
"Clerical error? Come on George this smells like a cover up. How do you explain the missing items? They are not in her locker."
"Maybe Pete took the items home with him, and that's why they didn't list them."
"O'Neill perhaps we should contact Pete Shanahan regarding this matter." Jack looked at Teal'c pleading with him to see his point.
"I'm sorry son, but I agree with Teal'c. Talk to Pete and the hospital. As much as I want her to be alive, there is enough here to issue a death certificate. We have issued death certificates with lesser information than this from the field."
"But that's just the point. She wasn't in the field. When we're in the field there has always been a witness that could identify them."
George looked at him with sadness knowing Jack was not going to like what he was going to say. "Pete identified her son. I know this is hard Jack, but until we find out more information we will have to accept she's gone."
Every fiber of Jack's being was telling him that Carter might still be alive, but maybe George was right. Maybe it was simply his heart's refusal to believe she had died. If they had allowed him to see her, maybe he would not be grasping now for possibilities that she was alive. After all, they had seen stranger things in the past eight years.
General Hammond left Jack and Teal'c standing in Jack's office.
Teal'c observed O'Neill closely.
Jack was starting to get annoyed with Teal'c's watchful eyes on him. "What?"
"I do agree with you O'Neill. The circumstances surrounding Colonel Carter's death are questionable."
"Then why didn't you back me up when General Hammond was here?"
"I too agree with General Hammond. We will need to acquire more proof to support our claim before anyone will take us seriously. I would like to join you tomorrow when you question Pete Shanahan and the one who performed her autopsy."
"Thanks Teal'c. We'll see if Daniel wants to join us."
"I'm sure he will, O'Neill." Teal'c said as he exited Jack's office.
Jack thought if nothing else he would find out why she left the base after telling Teal'c and Daniel she was staying there, although, he had a sickening feeling that she was alive somewhere and needed him.
TBC